I just really needed to get this out there because it's been sitting on my hard drive for about 3 years. I know, I know, yet another Alistair/f!Cousland. I have a fair few chapters already written and will be polishing each of them up before posting. Feedback is welcomed! Particularly if you spot any errors or inconsistencies (been a while since I actually played through the game…).
Warning: that rating is there for a reason. I will not be including future warnings for M content in specific chapters unless I consider it a trigger warning.
Disclaimer: I wish. This 'disclaimer' applies to all future chapters.
Two things made me nervous: deception and women.
Typical sheltered male, perhaps? On the one hand, I was a bumbling fool around the opposite sex, quite rightly assuming that they weren't interested in me in the slightest but still trying to make some sort of positive impression, and on the other, I was paranoid about people lying to me or trying to manipulate me.
This meant that I second guessed a lot of things.
So I'd been… apprehensive when Duncan told me to stay behind during his last recruiting mission before he joined the rest of us for our main stand at Ostagar. He told me I was to stay behind with the rest of the Wardens and carry on with the trek towards the stronghold. I'd been with him every other time, and I had a horrible suspicion that the reason I was being abandoned had something to do with my heritage, and that my mentor had basically lied to me to save my feelings (of rage).
I cornered him about it just as he was getting ready to leave, strapping on his greaves.
"Duncan, is there any real reason you've decided that you don't like me anymore?"
As always, he didn't look annoyed at my obvious suspicion or my joke.
"Despite our victories so far, Alistair, the next battles in Ostagar will be the most difficult and decisive. We will be facing the main horde itself. You must be there in my stead in case I don't return in time."
And as always, he managed to answer my question and leave me more confused (slightly chastised) and with more queries.
"Where are you going?" He'd already been to Orzammar, and managed to recruit six willing dwarves, but only half had passed the Joining and they were now practicing with the King's men, though why they needed pointers on how to fight darkspawn was beyond me. In any case, I couldn't imagine anywhere further away than that, nor anywhere else he hadn't yet looked for competent fighters.
"A short stop at Denerim, but then I will be going onto Highever."
Highever? What did he plan to find there? Surely those prissy nobles wouldn't want him taking away one of their knights or guards.
Duncan must have seen the bewildered scepticism on my face.
"I have been hearing about one Ser Gilmore for quite some time, and it is fortunate that I am on speaking terms with the teyrn's eldest, Fergus Cousland."
I shrugged and left the conversation there, despite how I wanted to know how he managed to be "on speaking terms" with the heir to the second most important name in Ferelden. I wished him luck and headed to the Quartermaster, intent on repairing a nick on my left bracer that kept catching my shield.
Before I knew it, the days were passing and nobody had any idea where Duncan was or when he would actually be back. The horde was growing and surfacing en masse now, and Duncan was still absent. It was with some relief that I spotted Cailan heading off towards the gates the day before we planned to fight, and I assumed that Duncan had sent ahead word that he would be returning today. Cailan loved the Grey Wardens; I couldn't imagine anyone else he would greet personally.
Trying to be subtle, I watched as the King returned to his tent looking unsettled. He was trying to be as jovial as ever, but there was a tightness around his eyes and in his walk that I couldn't ignore. I began to worry.
I hovered near the entrance and shortly met Duncan and a massive mabari whose main purpose in life seemed to be to drool all over me and distract me while Duncan explained that there "had been trouble" at Highever. For the next minute, I uncharacteristically – I'm well aware of some of my flaws, thank you – managed to listen and stay silent.
"Trouble? You call the massacre of all the Couslands and everybody else at the castle trouble?"
The man massaged his forehead in consternation as I finally managed to pry the warhound off my leg.
"Fergus is here, of course, scouting at the moment. Have you seen him?"
"I wouldn't recognize the man on sight, Duncan."
And thank the Maker for that. Otherwise the commander might have sent me to inform him of the death of everyone he knew, scouting or not.
"Alright. I have a new recruit, Elissa, so keep your eye out. Acquaint yourselves and find me. You'll be going with the other two into the Wilds to get the blood, as well as something else I need you to find for me. Oh, and try to be tactful, Alistair."
And of course, after that, I had been roped into offending some mages by showing them my ex-Templar face. I heard light footsteps coming up the stairs and assumed that it was another mage come to their colleague's rescue from the scary monster. Then I glimpsed the tell-tale contours of female leather armour out of the corner of my eye, leaving that possibility out.
"What her Reverence 'desires' is of no concern to me! I am busy helping the Grey Wardens—by the King's orders, I might add!"
The mage was deliberately being difficult and his arrogant replies to a simple request were starting to bother me. All he had needed to do was just nod and gone to see the bloody woman without pausing to challenge me and act like I had held a dagger to his throat demanding that he get on his knees and lick her shoes.
"Should I have asked her to write a note?" I inquired pleasantly, pointing out silently that he was acting like a child, and to a man several years his junior.
"Tell her I will not be harassed in this manner!"
My temper flared but I managed to keep the cutting tones from my voice... even if the sarcasm stayed.
"Yes, I was harassing you by delivering a message."
"Your glibness does you no credit."
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes.
"Here I thought we were getting along so well. I was even going to name one of my children after you… the grumpy one."
"Enough! I will speak to the woman if I must. Get out of my way, fool!"
I wasn't sad to see him go, but his parting words directed at the waiting woman made her purse her lips and fold her arms. She didn't move an inch, and the mage nearly fell over, he stumbled so hard after knocking into her. I cackled inwardly as I stepped towards her, watching how he hurried away and rubbed his arm.
"You know, one good thing about the Blight is how it brings people together."
She cocked her head and raised an eyebrow. A fellow eyebrow raiser! I continued.
"It's like a party! We could all stand in a circle and hold hands. That would give the darkspawn something to think about." She remained silent. I abruptly realized that I didn't know who she actually was. "Wait, we haven't met, have we?"I also became aware of how clichéd that had sounded, and carried on quickly: "I don't suppose you happen to be another mage?" Though I knew for a fact that there weren't any battle mages in Ostagar, nor would there be any more mages arriving from the Circle.
"We have not met. You must be Alistair." Wow, she sounded really… really noble. Like, really noble. Probably knows Cailan by name sort of noble.
"And that makes you Duncan's new recruit, I suppose. Glad to meet you."
She was… not what I had been expecting. Not some tough female guard with tattoos aplenty, hair shorn short, more aggressive than most of the guys as she reminded them constantly that yes I can beat you in an arm wrestling match. Most of the female warriors I had met had been like that, and I couldn't blame them for wanting to prove their mettle, though truthfully I hadn't met many… She did have tattoos, actually. At first I'd thought it was make-up.
I realised I'd been staring.
But really, with the tattoos, weapons and armour, I should have realized before now. Just because the order didn't have many women, didn't meant that they all had to look like men. And she didn't look like a man. She was definitely a woman. Anyway.
"As the junior member of the Order, I'll be accompanying you when you prepare for the Joining."
"Pleased to meet you. My name is Elissa."
She really sounded like a noble now.
I abruptly realized then that the crest on her amour was not the Highever crest, but the Cousland crest, and that her hair was the typical dark Cousland hair, and that her refined appearance and noble name matched up with what I knew of teyrn Bryce Cousland's daughter.
Maker's holy buttcrack. If there was ever a time to tread carefully with the subject areas of my comedic talents.
I felt like hitting myself as I remembered that Duncan had explicitly told me to be tactful.
"Right, that was the name!" I said in a way that pointed towards my having a bad memory, rather than pointing towards how I had known about her before we met. People loved nothing more than gossiping about nobles; I knew that she was the oldest unmarried noblewoman, and that she'd caused quite the scandal last year when she'd rejected some lord's son or other. People talked about her as if she was ancient, but she looked... young? Younger than me?
Anyway, I changed the subject, probably not skilfully but at least it had some relevance.
"So I'm curious; have you ever actually encountered darkspawn before?"
"No, I have not."
She had a moment of being very still, but she didn't look scared, or curious, or nervous, simply matter-of-fact. I had to admit I was a little impressed.
"When I fought my first one, I wasn't prepared for how monstrous it was. I can't say I'm looking forward to encountering another." Her slow nod told me that she realized I was trying to forewarn her, instead of frightening her. "Anyhow, whenever you're ready, let's get back to Duncan. I imagine he's eager to get things started."
"I look forward to travelling with you."
Though she was as expressionless as ever, she sounded quite genuine. I hid my surprise. "You do? Huh. Well that's a switch." I sounded a little too self-deprecating. I should have learnt by now to accept compliments graciously, even if I was far more used to people responding to my sarcasm either in kind or with disdain. "If you have any questions, let me know, otherwise, lead on."
And she nodded and we both set off in search of the Warden Commander.
It was unusual, how she didn't comment on how I resembled Cailan, whom she had obviously just seen. Then again, she was quite reserved, quiet and not wearing anything on her sleeve. As we walked together, I noticed how she was tense as a strung bow, drawn tightly into herself, but I suppose anyone would be, suddenly surrounded by armed strangers and waiting to battle darkspawn. I mulled over whether to fill the silence with babble or just remain quiet, and decided on the latter for now.
When we met Duncan, he spared no time in chastising me. I did feel a little ashamed; I had known truly that following the Revered Mother's wishes wasn't keeping the peace, and that in fact I was being irritating. I set off to find Jory and left Elissa talking to Daveth, who had snuck up at some point, about his awful pick-up techniques. Chiefly how ineffective they were on her. When I returned, she was the only one more to the point than Duncan, not pausing to ask why they needed darkspawn blood, and only taking a second to confirm the second objective.
"Let us go."
Jory had looked hesitant and Daveth had been deliberately eyeing her breastplate. Elissa said nothing, but when she turned towards me I could see that there was a grumpy edge to her face that told how very little she appreciated Daveth's taste in humour. I heard said man chuckling, clearly well aware of how he had annoyed the other initiate.
We heard a bark behind us and the mabari from earlier leaped to a stop next to Elissa, turning his head to look up at her dolefully even as he wagged his tail enthusiastically. She sighed and some tension actually seemed to leave her as she scratched behind an ear.
"No, Dal, I haven't forgotten about you, but you're not coming with us."
The canine whined pitifully. Was I imagining the inquisitive tone?
"No, you can't, the darkspawn blood might make you sick. We need you in top form for the battle, so be a good boy and rest until then."
She smoothed her hand over his head as Dal's ears lowered and his stubby tail drooped. He looked over at me, and I knew he was asking me to help his case. I held up my hands, palms facing outwards, in a I had nothing to do with this gesture.
"You heard the lady."
He finally dropped his head and let Elissa scratch behind his ears again before he slunk off back towards the warm fire.
"That your warhound, then?"
"Yes."
Jory and I laughed as Daveth begged her to forgive his transgressions and she sent us looks, her lips twisting into an unimpressed sneer and cutting our amusement rather short. An uncomfortable silence reigned for a while as we trundled off to the food tent to have a short food break to keep us going. She acted like one of the guys at the table, not bothering with the manners that must have been so deeply ingrained into her. She didn't eat with her fingers or slop lager everywhere like some of the others, but she definitely leant forward and whenever someone directly addressed her, which is the only time she would speak, she would respond without stopping to finish her mouthful first. Her movements were quick and focused, much like someone who was used to food disappearing quickly. I made a note to ask her about it later... That was, if she survived her Joining.
She will, Alistair. They all will. I told myself firmly, knowing that I had to believe it.
Once the meal was over, we trooped off towards the gates. I could have whacked the guard upright the head when he wished us luck; Jory already had a poor attitude and we didn't need him soiling his underclothes from fear before we even got anywhere. I watched the man as the guard opened the gate, then switched to Daveth who seemed to be running on nervous energy. Elissa was still hard to read, I couldn't even tell if she had impressive control over her facial expressions or if she was just so unmoved she didn't have any reactions to control. I supposed it could be a noble thing, having to put up with endless banquets and suitors and people you didn't like.
As we all left Ostagar and slipped into the dark, dank Wilds, I didn't quite know what it was that set my teeth on edge. Other than the darkspawn, that is.
