I don't know if you mean everything to me

And I wonder, can I give you what you need

-Deep End by Birdy

A/N: So shansedits on instagram basically posted a Maddie edit that ENDED me using those lyrics and I've been itching to write something for Madney since then. I think zorallens on instagram was the one to request her to make a Maddie edit so THANK YOU OMG IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL

Anyway.

Enjoy ~Meowser


She sat there in the dark room, finally getting up when her alarm sounded for the third time, switching the lights on.

It was time to get up, get ready for work, but she felt weak, and unmotivated. She just wanted to crawl back into bed and sleep more.

She didn't know what to do about this whole situation with Chimney. They'd been dating, if that's what you called it, for two months now, and she was beginning to lose the happy hormones and stress about everything. She wasn't divorced yet. What if Doug came back? What if trying to divorce Doug meant he'd be able to find her. But if she stayed with Chimney, she'd want to erase all ties to Doug. She didn't want to stay married to him but she wasn't sure if she was ready to let Doug know where she was.

She wasn't sure what she was ready for with Chimney either. They'd had sex. It had been amazing. It had been more than amazing and, for they'd had sleepovers every night the week after that. She remembered kissing on the couch, she remembered ripping his shirt open while they were in the midst of cooking and having to come back later to their pasta, she remembered turning sex into a good thing again, turning sex into a beautiful thing.

She remembered every moment, every touch, every smile. She cherished the memory of Chimney's arms sliding around her waist, holding her close. Of Chimney kissing her neck. Of Chimney making her come, his fingers deep inside of her.

She remembered Chimney holding her as she cried. Tears that came again and again. Tears that never seemed to stop. But he held her until they did, until she was empty and trembling. And he was still there, holding her tight.

She didn't know what he meant to her. Was this meant to be? Would they spend the rest of their lives together? Or was he just meant for right now?

She had a physical stomach ache as she contemplated things. If Doug knew she was dating anyone, let alone was contemplating something like moving in, he would want to kill someone. And she wasn't sure if that someone would be herself or Chimney.

And she didn't know which prospect scared her more.

She just wanted to be safe. And she wanted Chimney to be safe.

She'd gotten another phone call.

Doug's voice on the other end of the phone. The words had been simple. I know where you are.

She'd hung up immediately, hoping that he'd just been trying to scare her into revealing where she was, and she hadn't told anyone about the call. Just like she hadn't told anyone about her first call from him. Just like she didn't plan on telling anyone anything.

She wasn't going to let someone else get hurt because of her.

Especially not Chimney.

God.

He deserved so much more than her. He deserved someone who wasn't broken, someone who didn't cry nearly every time he touched her. He deserved someone who was free, someone who could give herself to him without hesitation or regret. He deserved someone who didn't have so much baggage she could barely carry it herself, let alone make someone else share it with her.

Maddie laid her head in her hands and cried.

She couldn't imagine saying goodbye to Chimney, but she knew she couldn't possibly be what he needed, and she knew that she'd never forgive herself if Doug hurt him.

It was time to say goodbye.


She was packed. Her apartment was still intact; she'd just done a small bag. She couldn't take much with her, and it would look better when Buck came home that day. He was still living with her, something she was definitely okay with, but she had to take that into consideration. She was going to text him and act like she was just busy at work and never there when he was.

That would give her a few days.

And Chimney. Dear god, she still wasn't sure what she was going to say to Chimney, and had decided that maybe silence was the best route. But he deserved an explanation. She couldn't leave without telling him why…

She bit at her fingernails. She'd finally started getting manicures again, finally started to feel pretty, finally been able to care about her appearance. She'd tried so hard to be a normal person, but she wasn't normal, and neither was her past.

She had to leave, she knew this.

She'd told Sue that there was a death in the family and she needed time off for the funeral; that her mom was taking it hard and she wasn't sure when she'd be able to come back.

She'd gotten good at lying and Sue had granted her time off, expressing sympathy and giving her a hug. "Take all the time you need."

Maddie had almost fooled herself into thinking that she'd never do this again...leave. Just go, never looking back, never stopping. Never letting herself think about the past and the man...men...she'd left behind.

Chimney popped into mind yet again. Chimney and the way he held her hand. Chimney on their first trip to the mall together…


Flashback to three months ago...

"I still can't believe this is your first trip to the mall," Chimney said.

"I've been to malls, just not since moving to LA," she explained.

"Not sure how that's possible but okay," he said, as they walked inside. He'd parked a long way from the entrance because of how crowded it was, but Maddie didn't mind the extra walk.

"Come to think of it, it's the Friday before Christmas," Maddie said. "I'm pretty sure the lines will be insane."

"It's fine," he said. "If you don't mind waiting, I don't."

"It'll have to be something amazing if we're going to wait in line that long for it," Maddie said. K-Pop was blasting on the speakers when they walked in, and Maddie listened quietly, staring at the crowds before them.

Chimney turned to her, raising an eyebrow. "You ready? It's not too late to turn around."

"No, it's fine," she said. "It's just so many people. Which is to be expected." She drew in a deep breath.

He moved closer to her, and they started walking. Maddie had a few destinations in mind that they'd previously discussed, and Chimney was heading for the directory ahead of them. She decided that if the stores she wanted to go to were crowded she didn't want to go.

Someone jostled her and Chimney's gaze shot sharply to the teenage boy, but he was already gone.

"People are so rude," he said simply, making a point to step closer to her. They stood there, looking at the directory. He found the store she'd been looking for and pointed it out; Maddie was feeling more distant and less like she wanted to do this anymore.

His outstretched arm got jostled and he ended up stepping into her. "I'm so sorry," he apologized, stepping back.

"It's a big crowd," she said, as another person walked by without paying attention. She straight up walked into Chimney, making full body contact. They'd always been prone to hugs, but not like this, with her breasts flattened against him, suddenly without warning.

And he was so close now, and no one was paying attention. She was staring at his lips, and not bothering to move away. She didn't want to move away. She actually felt safe now, unafraid of the crowds. His eyes met hers; his started brown eyes, and his lips moved to form a word that she didn't fully hear.

She stepped away, just a little, sliding her hand down his arm to hold it tight. "I don't want to get separated," she said baldly, and his hand tightened over hers.

"Good plan," he'd replied. They'd spent the rest of the day hand in hand, holding tight…

End flashback


She snapped back into the present, wondering again if this was the right step.

She had to say goodbye to him. She couldn't leave without letting him know, without telling him why.

She couldn't leave without giving him a chance to convince her to stay.

Her turn signal was on, and she flipped it to the other direction, zipping across three lanes of traffic to exit.

Was he at work? Or was he home? She'd purposefully distanced herself the past few days, gearing herself up to leave, and now she was at a loss, wondering where he'd be, wondering if he'd answer if she called him.

He was number one on her speed dial, and the ringing of his phone came on loud over the bluetooth in her car.

That was a good sign.

One ring, two. Maybe he didn't have his phone on him, maybe he was ignoring her, maybe it was off.

Three rings, four.

"Hello?"

She felt like she hadn't heard his voice in ages, and it took everything within her to not start crying. "Chim?"

"How are you?" He wondered, worry in his voice.

"I'm good," she lied. "Can I come see you? I need to talk to you."

Hesitation. "Yeah," he said. "I'm at the station but I can take a minute. Where are you?"

"Five minutes away," she said.

"No work today?" He wondered, and she could hear him walking now, hear the background noise changing.

"No, I…" She didn't know what to say, and just let the sentence fade off. "I'm sorry. I know I've been distant."

"It's okay," he replied. "I'm not going to say it wasn't driving me crazy, but you do what you gotta do. Just know you can talk to me about this stuff, or just let me in the loop." He paused. "Just let me know if you have a bad day. I'm here to talk."

"I know you are, I just don't want to burden you, when you already have to deal with so much in your job, your relationship shouldn't have to be this hard," she sighed.

"Maddie, it's not hard," he said. "Loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done."

Tears really threatened now. It would be hard to make him hate her. Did she want to make him hate her?

She wondered now if she could see him after all. She wouldn't be able to leave if she saw him. She wouldn't be able to even speak.

She'd just cry. Cry and cry and he'd hold her close, and tell her it was okay, but it wasn't okay and she wasn't sure if it would ever be okay.

She didn't know how to make it okay, she didn't know if her life even could be okay at this point.

She just wanted normal.

God. She wanted normal so badly, needed it.

"Chimney," she said, and her voice broke.

"Maddie, how far away are you?" He asked, worry in his voice now. "I'm right out front, okay? I'll be here. I told Bobby I needed a minute, if they get called out right now, I'm not going, they'll be fine without me."

Fine without me

The words burned in her mind. Would she be fine without him?

She still didn't know if she was good for him, if any of this crazy mess of her life could possibly be anything but negative, but she knew she couldn't leave him.

She was strong, but she wasn't that strong.

"I'm almost there," she said, and her phone hit a bad spot, dropping the call.

Damn it. He'd think she hung up on him.

She pressed on the gas, hoping he'd be out front as he'd said; she turned on her signal and pulled into the visitor's parking lot, jumping out, locking her doors as she ran.

And Chimney was there, she could see him, and she paused.

All she wanted was to run to him, but suddenly, she was scared again. She should give him space. She should leave. She should end this before Doug ended it for them and it hurt even more.

Her phone was buzzing in her hand and she knew Chimney was calling her, so she picked up without thinking.

"Madeline," the voice said, and the blood froze in her veins. "I'm going to find you again, you know that, right? I'm looking at your address right now, in LA."

She couldn't even breathe.

"I'll see you soon. Don't bother hanging up."

The line went dead and her phone slid from her hand. Chimney heard that, and turned in time to see her drop to her knees.

"Maddie!" He shouted, and one part of her wanted to turn and run, far away from him, so that Doug could never touch him, but the other part of her reached her aching arms up to him, and cried when he finally got to her, wrapped his arms around her, whispered words of comfort.

"Don't leave," she gasped, and she could feel his hands on her back.

"I won't," he told her, promised.

"Don't let me leave," she amended.

Chimney paused. "I don't think I can control that," he told her. "And I wouldn't, no matter how much it hurts me, but, Maddie…" He made her look at him, and when her eyes met his, her heart broke all over again. "I don't want you to leave. And I don't think that that's what's best for you."


A/N: I wish I could write cute best friend fluff like richonnesmints but alas, I got the sadness and drama gene...