Life Circles
1. Youthful Indiscretion
J/P, J/C
Rated MA
April 2009
By: AW
Length: 5171 words
Summary: The beiginning, 20 Years before Voyager even launched. J/P, J/C
Disclaimer: blah blah blah, I DON'T OWN THEM
Kathryn looked at her 'boyfriend'; she supposed she should call him.
She had babysat him when they were both younger, but for some reason when they hit high school: things changed.
She no longer looked at him as the blond baby boy of Admiral Paris, she no longer saw him as a child acting out to save his reputation: now he was a man.
And a hot man: time had been kind to him.
She stared at her limp hair: red-auburn, 'Annie reincarnate'. Her small stature: not a woman yet, and her baby blues: the only thing that she knew for a fact was attractive on a woman.
Big blue eyes, looking out over a freckled face as the sun came out and changed her colouring.
Unlike the buxom blonds that she would see parading around Starfleet headquarters, she was rather plain looking.
Then one day, a tutoring session: him three years her junior - and needing the intelligence she possessed. Then as she bent over the books he had kissed her.
First one freckle, then another until he made his way to her lips: and enjoy it she did.
Her mind was telling her he was no more than a child, but as she looked at his strong shoulders and eyes possessing knowledge beyond their years...she lost control.
As his hand reached for the clasp of her bra, her mind screamed out how wrong it was.
Her heart disagreed.
The boy she had known and loved since the day he was born had become a man.
She had never in her life been touched by a man like this; her a mere 17 years old and him 14...revelling in teenage wonderment.
As he pulled the shirt over his head and she watched the bulge in his pants increase, she lost all thoughts of right and wrong and got lost in the moment.
The clothes came off, and teenage fumbling became a special moment in time that neither would ever forget. The loss of virginity and of innocence: a moment in time.
[5 weeks later]
Kathryn looked at herself in the mirror, she looked like hell: she felt even worse.
Not having been able to keep her breakfast down for a week now, she was three days late: Admiral Paris was going to kill her. Admiral Janeway was going to be so disappointed. All the other admirals were going to see the end of a dream.
Her father was possibly the last 'Admiral Janeway'.
A baby for Kathryn under the age of 20, she could hear it now:
'How could you be so irresponsible?'
'I expected more from you Kathryn.'
'I thought Phoebe was the daughter I'd have to worry about.'
She let the tears fall as her hand fell to her belly. "I'm so sorry baby; I'm just not sure I can take proper care of you right now: Having you might ruin your life and mine."
Kathryn sighed and knew what she had to do. She knew deep down she could not have this baby, but was that the way she was raised?
[2 hours later]
She stared at the wall of her family doctor's office. She knew what the doctor was going to say before he re-entered the office. He had taken tests; he had run the tricorder over her: he had looked at her disappointed that something had brought her to this point.
The doctor walked through to doors and he stared at Kathryn. "You're pregnant."
Kathryn looked down, even though she had known it was true - she had known for a couple of weeks - but she still needed a scientific confirmation.
She looked into the doctor's eyes, "Doctor, I can't have this baby."
The doctor nodded as if he had expected a response like that from the great Kathryn Janeway: A girl who was destined for greatness and would follow everyone's expectations no matter what. "You know you have options and I'm sure you've probably spent the last week agonizing over them; the father has to know."
Kathryn nodded; she would see him later that night at the tutoring session. "Kathryn I have scheduled your appointment for next week, whether it be pre-natal or termination, it's your choice. You are a minor but the pregnancy emancipates you, so the choice is yours."
Kathryn nodded, knowing she wasn't going to get someone to give her 'orders': all this man was giving her were choices.
But she didn't want choices, like science and math she wanted right and wrong.
Kathryn went home and 20 minutes later she was sitting in her room letting the tears fall, giving way to emotions that she normally didn't allow herself feel: guilt, inadequacy, and stupidity at the mistake she had made.
Then the doorbell rang and she wiped the tears from her eyes; Tom seeing her like this would do nothing to help matters. There was a knock on the door and her father appeared. He knew her, he knew her well. "My little goldenbird, I don't know what's going on but whatever it is...I know it's hurting you deeply. Know that both your mother and I are here for you no matter what."
Kathryn nodded. "And Katie, Tom's here for his tutoring session. Do you need a minute or do you want me to send him in?"
Kathryn nodded, "Yeah send him in daddy: I'm okay."
Admiral Janeway nodded at his daughter. "Okay Kathryn, but remember we're here for you."
Five minutes later Tom walked in with his book bag and looked at Kathryn. "Kathryn, are you okay?"
Kathryn sighed, "We need to talk Tom."
He looked at her perplexed thinking that one of his teachers had spoken to her about his behaviour. "Okay –"
She pulled him over to sit at the loveseat in her bedroom, where a night six weeks ago, memories had been made. Tom sat down and she looked at him and saw the child she had known for years not the man she had known for one night. She drew in a deep breath, "Tom, remember what happened a month ago?"
Tom got the cocky grin on his face that she saw and knew was a cover for fear and some deep seeded need to please people.
She grabbed his hand. "Tom, I need to tell you something."
Tom laughed, "What you're dumping me?"
She looked at him seriously, "I'm pregnant."
Kathryn didn't think she'd ever seen him speechless, but at that moment he was. "I beg your pardon?"
Kathryn almost laughed at the perplexed look on his face. "I'm pregnant Tom: our little dalliance had lasting repercussions."
She repeated her previous revelation, "I'm pregnant. I'm going to have your baby."
"On the first time, see I can't even manage to have sex right."
Kathryn took his hand, "One way or the other this is something we're going to have to deal with."
Tom nodded. He looked at her. "Can you picture us with a baby?"
Kathryn sighed, "No I can't, but I needed to get your opinion before I did anything."
Tom just stared at her. "In the end it's your decision."
Kathryn bowed her head: yet again she had no help, just decisions.
[6 days later]
Kathryn sat in the doctor's office. Aside from Tom she had told no one.
She wanted to minimize the damage. She was going to get rid of this child, she couldn't raise a baby. She was not even 20 years old.
She stared at the pictures around the walls: Picture of babies, pictures of ultrasounds; women around her happily awaiting the birth of their children.
She stared at the poems adorning the wall. One poem hit her harder than the rest:
This little tiny baby
Was sent from God above
To fill our hearts with happiness
And touch our lives with love
He must have known
We'd give our all
And always do our best
To give our precious baby love
And be grateful and so blessed
She looked at all the happy couples, all the hopeful mothers-to-be and before she could consciously make the decision she bolted.
[3 hours later]
Just sitting there: She didn't care. She hadn't spoken to anyone since entering the Janeway grounds.
Phoebe came out to get her: Her annoying baby sister. She let a tear fall and her sister, not even 12 walked up to her and said, "What's wrong Kath?"
Kathryn looked at her little sister, "Too many decisions, and not enough time."
Phoebe looked at her confused. "Now you're confusing me Kathryn."
Kathryn shook her head, "Never mind Phoebe. So why did you come looking for me?"
"Oh, dad told me to get you for supper."
Kathryn stared at her sister, "Give me a minute, and then I'll be in."
Phoebe nodded and proceeded towards the farmhouse.
Kathryn let her head fall in her hands and the tears fall. She was going to be a mother: to a child she would never raise.
Kathryn finally walked into the farmhouse and saw her family sitting at the table awaiting her arrival. She took her mother's hand and looked at her father. "Mom, Dad...I have something I need to tell you."
Gretchen's eyes stared back: so much like Kathryn's own waiting for the other shoe to drop. "What's wrong honey?"
Kathryn took a deep breath, "I'm not sure how to tell you this," She paused almost losing her nerve, but in all honesty it wasn't something she could hide for much longer. She looked at her father but refused to meet his eyes, "I'm pregnant."
Gretchen looked at her surprised. "Kathryn, did something happen?"
Kathryn looked confused, "You mean was I raped? No, nothing like that: just teenage stupidity I guess."
Edward stared at his daughter, his little goldenbird. "What does the father have to say about this?"
Leave it to her father to bluntly get to the point. "He says...no matter what...it's my decision."
Admiral Janeway looked at his daughter, not her father, not her mother's husband...but Admiral Janeway: "How could you have been so careless Kathryn?"
"I don't know; it just happened?"
He looked at her, "Kathryn: who's the father?"
Kathryn felt tears welling in her eyes, he would never forgive her. She kept her mouth shut, not wanting to say it out loud.
"Kathryn?"
"Tom Paris."
Gretchen covered her mouth with her hand in surprise. "The boy you tutor?"
Her father came out, "Admiral Paris' son."
Kathryn blushed looking embarrassed. "I'm so sorry daddy."
He sighed, "What does Owen have to say about this?"
She looked at her father for the first time really looking at him, "I don't think he knows yet. I told Tom that I had to tell you first."
Edward stared at his little goldenbird. "Are you ready for this Kathryn?"
Kathryn shook her head, "I tried to terminate daddy, I went so far as to go to the clinic, but I couldn't." She shook her head at her indecision, "I don't want to ruin my life daddy: I've decided to give the baby up for adoption."
He stared at his daughter, "There will be stuff said about you dear, going through a pregnancy while still in high school, people staring at you, are you sure you're ready for that?"
Kathryn shook her head, "No, but I'm even less ready to raise a baby."
Her family looked at her and nodded in understanding. The decision had been made: Kathryn was going to be a mother.
[6 weeks later]
Kathryn had finally gotten over morning sickness. Now at almost 12 weeks, she was starting show, and even though she had not divulged the information to her classmates, it wasn't going to be long before they knew on sight that she carried a baby within her womb.
She went to quantum calculus class and sat down. She had cut down on her coffee intake considerably and it was starting to really get to her. The doctor did say however that the second trimester she wouldn't be so tired all the time.
She had fallen asleep during one of her mandatory English classes and had been more than a little embarrassed: stating that she had just been up late the night before.
She took out her padd. and started taking notes. That night she had a meeting with Owen Paris. They had yet to tell him of her impending motherhood, and she and Tom were going to make a united front.
Kathryn rang the doorbell and Tom answered it. "Hey Kath, wow you're starting to show your condition a little."
Kathryn glared at Tom. "Okay, well I hope I'm not showing too much I'd like to tell your father, not have him find out by my appearance."
Tom looked at Kathryn, "You're not showing that much and he doesn't see you every day so he probably won't notice anything different."
Tom reached over and took Kathryn's hand. "I need you to know that, I'll be here for you."
Kathryn stared at the boy in front of her, the boy who had fathered her child. She let the tears fall: "This pregnancy is going to kill me."
She drew in a deep breath and stared at Tom. "I'm sorry Tom, I can't raise this child."
Tom nodded, "I understand Kath, I screwed up my life, there's no reason for me to screw up yours as well."
She shook her head and wiped the tears away, "Tom...we're both responsible for this. I should have been on boosters; we both should have taken more time to think about what we were doing."
"Yes, but you're the one who's going to have to go through the pregnancy Kathryn, you're the one who's going to have to carry that baby, birth it, then give it up."
Kathryn looked at him, "Well thanks for stating that point for me, it is all too clear to me what I have to do."
Tom took her hand again, "I understand how hard this is for you, but we both decided this is what has to be done?"
Kathryn glared at Tom, "You understand?" She paused, "You have no idea, I'm the one who's going to have to have that baby and give it up. I'm the one who felt the baby move for the first time this morning." She took his hand and placed on the bump that was their mistake. "I can't do this alone: Your father is going to get really mad, and I need your support to get through this."
Tom pulled his hand away as if her skin was hot and had burned him. "Shall we go see the Admiral and get this over with Kathryn?"
Kathryn flattened the shirt she was wearing in the front hoping that Owen wouldn't notice anything until they had a chance tell him themselves. "Admiral, nice to see you again."
"Katie...great to have you here."
"Admiral Paris...Owen...we have to speak with you."
Paris looked at Kathryn, "What's wrong Katie? What's up with you?"
Kathryn drew in a deep breath readying herself for the explosion that was going to come. "You're going to be a granddad Owen."
Owen looked at her confused, "And you're going to be that baby's mother? That's why you're here right?"
Kathryn nodded. "But I can't keep this baby Owen, I want to but I can't."
He smiled, "But maybe I can."
Kathryn looked at him astonished, "Owen, Tom is your youngest and he's 14...do you really want to start over?"
Owen smiled, "This is my grandson, or granddaughter, and despite the fact that Tom messed up and messed up large, I'm not sure I could let you give it away to someone else."
"But Owen you're too close. I want to give her a good life outside of her torrid beginnings."
"Katie, if you give your first child up to a stranger and never see him or her again...you'll never forgive yourself."
Kathryn bowed her head and Tom looked on as the woman he had lost his virginity to, and the man who had made his life a living hell: decided his fate.
"Do I get a say in this?" Tom piped up.
Owen looked at him, "After the mess you've made for yourself and especially for Kathryn: no you don't deserve a say."
Tom turned to Kathryn, "Looks you're going to be a mother and Owen isn't going to ever let us forget that this child was our mistake."
[two months later]
Kathryn cursed the fact that she was so skinny. By now everyone knew she was pregnant, but Kathryn had kept the father's identity from everyone. No one needed to know that she had taken advantage of a child, and that's what Tom was: a child.
She sighed as she placed her hand on her belly and felt the child move. She had been to the doctor and he had said all was good with the baby. He had asked her if she wanted to know the sex and she had said no: that would make it too real.
Her parents had taken it better than expected after all was said and done. Kathryn felt the baby move and realized after the birth it would be difficult to give her up.
She knew this child was a girl. The doctor hadn't told her, she had refused to have the sex confirmed: but she knew.
She still saw Tom once a week for tutoring sessions. She remembered last week when he had seen her. "You're getting big Kath."
She glared at Tom, "Thanks Tom; thanks to you."
Tom stared into her eyes, "I'm sorry Kathryn, I never meant for it to be this way."
She looked back at him, "I know Tom; I know."
[2 months later]
At nearly six months pregnant now Kathryn was finding it harder and harder to distance herself from the child she carried. Every time the baby moved, every time she got sick in the morning or gained another pound it was more proof then she cared to have proving to her, that her son or daughter was growing happily within her womb.
She sat at her desk in her home and stared at her homework. She had discussed the situation with her teachers and made plans so that she would graduate on time and there would be no repercussions for her little mistake.
She placed a hand on her stomach and waited for Tom to get there. She had not seen the father of her child in a couple of months. They had kept as far away from each other as possible, trying to keep the relationship as professional as possible: tutor and student.
She felt her eyes welling up with tears.
Life wasn't fair.
Admiral Paris had decided that he was going to adopt the child, and make 'a better life for her'. She had discovered the child she carried was a girl. She had yet to tell anyone else, but she knew.
She spoke to the child within. "I know you'll perhaps never understand, but the reason that I'm doing what I'm doing is because I love you and I know that you can have a better life with someone else."
She let the tears run down her cheeks and her door opened to reveal Tom Paris.
What Tom saw when he entered broke his heart: Kathryn was upset over this, something awful. "Kathryn, come here."
He approached her and hugged her, noticing consciously for the first time how pregnant she really was. "I know I said this last time I saw you Kathryn, but you really look pregnant."
She was mad and was almost spitting the words at him, "You don't think I know that? Every time I feel her move, every time I get sick in the morning, every time I realize that she will be raised by your father not by you and I: I know."
Tom looked at her. He had just had his 15th birthday and felt guilty about the fact that he had had a big party, enjoyed himself while Kathryn was stuck without him in her pregnant state in a mode of self-pity. "You know Kathryn, it's better for all of us, that my father takes the child. You'll get to see the baby and you'll never be totally taken away from it."
"She: the baby I carry is a girl."
All of sudden it felt real to Tom, she was going to have his daughter. He felt her pull his hand to her stomach and he felt the baby kick him. "Oh my god: Is that our daughter?"
She glared at him, "Correction 'your sister'."
Tom stared at her, "This is really hurting you isn't it?"
"What do you think Tom? This is our child; I've had to carry her and will have to continue to do so, just so I can give her up."
"Kathryn –"
"I know it's for the best and I can't raise a child right now, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I love her already."
"Kathryn I'm so sorry, maybe you shouldn't tutor me anymore."
Kathryn stared at him incredulous, "I need that credit Tom. You've already disrupted my school year; I'm not letting you take this away from me too."
Tom watched as her 'Irish Temper' took control. "I'm sorry Kathryn, that's not what I meant."
Kathryn sighed, trying to get her emotions in check. "I'm sorry Tom; this has just been really hard on me."
"Shhh...It's okay. I promise I'll try to make this is as painless for you as possible."
Kathryn raised an eyebrow, "If there is one thing I know about childbirth: it's far from painless."
They both shared in a small chuckle, and the tutoring began.
[Two and half months later – Janeway house]
"Mom, I can't possibly get much bigger." It was summer now and the children were away from school for the break, and Kathryn was nearing her time.
"Honey, two weeks and then this will all be over." Gretchen patted her daughter on the shoulder. When she had been told that Kathryn was pregnant, she had been aghast with the news. Her little seventeen (now 18) year old goldenbird was going to be a mother.
Kathryn had taken everything and made it work. She had graduated from her final year of high school with high honours, she had gotten into the academy come the fall, and she had found someone to adopt the child.
She had taken everything in stride, but she wished she hadn't had to watch her daughter go through this. Now at 38 weeks, the child had dropped low, and Gretchen was sure it wouldn't be much longer now.
Kathryn had complained about backaches especially in the past two weeks, and if what Gretchen thought was going to happen was going to happen, Kathryn would have a healthy baby before the end of the week.
"Katie, stop pacing you're making me nervous."
"I can't help it my back is killing me; and it's getting worse."
She looked sympathetically at her daughter, "What does it feel like?"
"Well it just hurts like a son of a bitch, and then it stops, it's getting really frustrating."
"What do you mean it hurts and then stops?"
"I mean like every couple of minutes my back will seize up and then it stops."
Gretchen got a concerned look on her face, "How often does this happen sweetie?"
Kathryn glared at her mother, "I don't know every five minutes or so."
Gretchen beckoned her over. "Come here, let me feel what your back is doing, maybe I can help you."
Kathryn succumbed to her mother's wishes and walked over to where she sat at the kitchen table. Her breath caught as it began all over again. "God mom, what the hell is going on?"
Gretchen felt the muscles in Kathryn's back tighten last for about a minute then release. "Kathryn, I hate to tell you this dear but I think you're in labour."
Kathryn's eyes got wide, "But I'm two weeks early."
Gretchen gave her a hug, "its okay, anytime after 36 weeks the baby normally turns out fine."
Kathryn all of a sudden got panicked, "I can't be in labour, I'm not ready, I'm two weeks early, and we don't KNOW I'm in labour."
Gretchen walked up to Kathryn and hugged her, "You'll do fine Kathryn: I promise. Perhaps we should call the doctor."
Kathryn sighed and wished her back would stop hurting so much, but then realized it was bound to happen sooner or later. Phoebe walked into the kitchen and looked at Kathryn, "Katie, are you okay?"
Gretchen looked to her younger daughter, "Your sister is fine, she's just going to have a baby."
Phoebe looked at her mother, "Well duh mom, do you think I didn't notice the weight gain on my sister? I'm not that young."
Gretchen smiled, "No I mean now."
Phoebe drew in a breath of surprise and looked at her mother, "You mean now? Here?"
Gretchen laughed, "No but soon. It takes a while dear."
Kathryn screamed as her waters broke. "Oh yes dear, you're definitely having that baby today."
Gretchen watched as Kathryn started panting and realized she was pushing. "Oh no dear; don't push."
"I have to go to the bathroom really badly mom."
"No Kathryn, that's what it feels like to have a baby."
Kathryn shook her head, "I gotta sit down mom."
Gretchen messaged Edward and told him what was going on and to get a doctor to the house a.s.a.p. "Okay Kathryn, sit down, the doctor will be here soon."
"Mom, I am not having this baby here."
Gretchen walked up to her daughter, "You might not have a choice dear."
Phoebe looked at what was going on, "She's going to have the baby here?"
"No, I'm not." Kathryn screamed out again as yet another contraction ripped through her.
Her mother walked up to her, "Kathryn dear, can you take off your pants?"
"This is demeaning; I will not do this here." Kathryn bent over and pushed, not realizing that's what she was doing.
"Kathryn dear you're pushing."
Kathryn panted, "I don't have a choice mom, I want this thing out of me and I want this ordeal over with."
Gretchen pulled her daughter's pants off and looked down to see the crown of the baby's head appearing. "Okay Kathryn, you're doing great: a few more pushes and this baby will be here."
Kathryn held her breath and pushed and out came the head. "Kathryn, the head's out. One more push and this should be over."
The door bell rang and Phoebe let the doctor in. Kathryn screamed out once more and the baby passed through Kathryn's cervix and out to the world outside. "Oh god is it over?"
Gretchen smiled, "Yes dear: she's here."
Kathryn smiled, "Can I see her?"
The doctor approached, "You might want to put her on your breast: it will help you deliver the placenta."
Kathryn looked at the doctor, "I will not bond with this child."
The doctor approached, "Just once Kathryn it'll help you out."
Kathryn placed the baby on her breast and felt a contraction, bore down once more and the placenta was delivered. "Can I give her back to you now? I think I'm finished."
The doctor looked at the woman closing off everything including the baby she had just given birth to. "I need to go to school in September, I can't raise a baby and Jennica will be happy with the Paris'."
Gretchen looked at her daughter, "Jennica?"
"That's her name mom, Jennica Paris."
Gretchen nodded and hoped that one day Kathryn would realize the true joy of motherhood at a more appropriate time.
The doctor helped clean her off, and then Kathryn got up and spoke. "I'd like to take a sonic shower now if that's okay."
The doctor nodded and off went Kathryn; that was the last time for a long time she would see her daughter.
[2 months later]
It had been two months: Kathryn had for the most part recovered from the birth. Anyone who looked at her today would not know she had given birth to a baby girl, at full term 2 months previously.
She left for the academy and her life in Starfleet began. Little did she know that those first two years at the academy would be formative ones for her. Jennica was out of sight out of mind. She was going to live a happy life with the Paris'. She had made a point to tell Tom that they were not to communicate anymore Kathryn was bound to make a happy life on her own, without the Scarlet letter that she had held throughout her last year of high school.
Kathryn went to her first class, first year Quantum Mechanics: not a class she was overly excited about, but her beginning at the Academy none-the-less.
She sat down at the front of the room and stared at her classmate. He was handsome, and he was her age. For once she was meeting someone her age, someone who knew nothing of her past.
He was intelligent and god was he handsome. She lost herself in staring at him and then she saw his dimples and she lost herself.
That was the end, and a new chapter of Kathryn's life began.
[2 years later]
It turned out that the man she had met all those years ago: he was a couple of years older than her and was trying make up a first year class he had failed.
She didn't care.
She had fallen in love and never wanted to let go.
They had met 'officially' a year ago. They had made it to the Academy formal together, and she couldn't believe what a kisser he was or that he wanted to go to the ball with a freshman.
He had told her he didn't care and that she was much prettier than any of the girls in his year.
She had blushed and cursed her fair, Irish, red-head skin.
He had seen her blush and had kissed the freckles saying that she was one of the most attractive women he had ever met; and that the fact that she didn't realize it made her even more attractive.
She had taken him up on his offer and they had gone to the ball together. They had been crowned King and Queen of the ball, and both thought it was perfect.
They thought it would be forever, and then he had gotten shipped out: His first deep space assignment.
She was positive that after a couple of months, she'd hear from him again, but all was for not, and it would be almost another 20 years before she heard from him again.
END 1. Youthful Indiscretion
TBC 2. Love Story
