Hey guys! Over spring break, my mind has tapped into my angsty mindset. I know, I know. I should write more fluff. I can't help it! Anything that gives me the feels makes the vulnerability in me awaken. This one-shot was a spur-of-the-moment thing. Fanfics with stripped-down, raw feelings are what I like to read. From the phanfics I wrote so far, I've still yet to showcase a stripped-down, raw fanfic with no traces of humor whatsoever (YCMR had tiny bits of humor within the whole angsty plot). I did that for a few of my Twilight one-shots: Fall with Me, What Changed, and Beauty and a Heartbeat. It wouldn't hurt to translate that writing style for a phanfic.
If you're looking to read a lighthearted DP fic, then look somewhere else. If you are open to reading something that'll give you the feels, then you've come to the right place. I guess all my years of reading Twilight fics has led me to this, writing a Dan x OC x Phil love triangle. I've read the threesomes, but I haven't really seen the love triangles yet. So yeah. Enjoy!
His chest hurts. His body is numb. His soul aches. His raspy breaths echo across his bedroom, his mocha-colored irises shedding every tear his eyes could muster. His back is against the door. His legs crumble beneath him and he collapses on the floor.
I'm such an idiot.
He is a flawed human being. He is a man where mistakes follow wherever he goes. The people he grew up with exploited his flaws. Their taunts and relentless teasing over being a mistake to this world still haunt him. He can hear them now, voices in his head that start to become a crescendo as the voices grow louder.
"SHUT UP!" he bellows, his hands on his ears, willing the thoughts to go away. He is in that place. His existential crisis black hole. It's pulling him in, a magnet he can't run away from.
"Go away, go away, go away…" No one will come to rescue him. Not this time. He screwed things up. More so than ever. What he did may have cost him the one person in his life that matters to him the most. This time, he may have lost that person for good.
He says his name. "Phil." Again. "Phil." He repeats the name like a mantra, as if saying his name is the magic word that will make the situation disappear.
One minute passes. Then two. Three. Four. Five. Ten.
No one comes. No knock on the door. No offer to come inside. No sight of the raven-haired, blue-eyed man that he cares about more than life itself.
After a while, he manages to crawl away from the door and to his bed. He kicks away his shoes and lays on his stomach on his black, gray, and white checkered blanket. Even his blanket is mocking him, its colors mirroring his emotions.
"What makes you think I won't leave you this time?" Phil's words causes more tears to fall from his face, soaking his pillow. He wouldn't blame Phil for leaving. He seriously messed things up this time. His impulses made him say things he wouldn't have dared to ever tell Phil. He is to blame. Not Phil. It's not Phil's fault his heart is torn.
Phil. Her. His heart was open to love the both of them. Now, he doesn't know what to do.
Phil accepted his flaws. So did she. Phil shares many common interests as him. So did she. Phil keeps his attention and never ceases to bore him. So did she.
Phil loves him. So does she. And she did so reluctantly, because she knows how much he loves Phil.
He groans. He can't lose Phil. But he can't lose her. If he chooses one, he'll lose the other. If he chooses Phil, he will become another man that has broken her heart (he doesn't understand why men doesn't see how wonderful she is inside and out). If he chooses her, he will become the worst best friend/boyfriend in history.
Phil gave him a chance. Not one chance. Not two. Several chances. Numerous chances that he lost count.
Phil gave him a chance for them to meet.
Phil gave him a chance for them to rebuild their friendship after the infamous 2012 incident.
Phil gave him a chance for them to experience a kiss between the two of them, just as an experiment to see if there would be fireworks like the phandom talk, write, and draw about.
Phil gave him a chance for them to go on a date.
Phil gave him a chance for them to be officially Phan.
Phil gave him a chance when he drunkenly kissed another girl.
Phil gave him a chance when he broke the spare glasses Phil entrusted him to look after once for a few hours.
Phil gave him a chance when he misplaced Phil's camera.
Phil gave him a chance when he accidentally turned Phil's white clothes to pink when he was confused about how to use a washing machine.
But this, tonight, will Phil give him a chance? Will Phil give him a chance if there is a likelihood he would chase after her?
He sits up, walking like a zombie to his desk. He boots up his laptop and opens his Tumblr account.
He scans through the dashboard. His heart beats erratically whenever he finds fanart of him and Phil. After a while, he decided to go to her Tumblr blog, the one where she posts all of her fanfiction.
There is a new post. It's not a new fanfic, but rather just a rambling of her thoughts. He hasn't seen it yesterday. A part of him knows she typed the post sometime today, sometime after the falling out.
The post is short. A little over 100 words. It's titled The Definition of Right.
He reads the post. Word for word. When he is done, he is on the edge of having another crying fit.
He doesn't. His eyes are too tired to shed any more tears.
The post makes him consider picking up his phone to text her and say that he has chosen her.
I've always been fragile. I can't deny it. All that's left is a shard from a porcelain figure wrecked at the split second it was dropped. The porcelain figure has been fixed several times, and each time it's fixed, it's broken again. Right now, the figure is broken again. I'm the shard slowly being glued with other shards to recreate the figure. But there are a few shards missing. Those are the shards still waiting to be found. And yet, I'd be doing all the wrong things to find the rest of the shards to fix the figure. Do I dare make risks to right the wrong? Or am I doing wrongs to make a right?
He is those missing shards. He is those shards that could make her whole again.
He turns off his laptop. He leans back on his chair and stares blankly at the wall.
If he fixes her, he will break himself. He is his own porcelain figure. If he loses Phil, he would lose shards of himself. But if he loses her, he would still lose shards of himself. It's a win-lose situation. If he chooses neither of them, he would break himself entirely. A lose-lose situation.
Chances.
Porcelain.
His head is spinning. It's up to him. If he leaves his room to talk to Phil, he knows that means that he has chosen Phil. If he stays here, that means his feelings for her are strong enough for him to contemplate choosing her. Which is true. He loves her just as much as he loves Phil.
What will he do?
There is a knock on his door. Two knocks. With red-rimmed eyes and slouched shoulders, he shuffles to the door. When he opens it, he sees not one, but two people.
"Dan," they whisper.
He doesn't speak. His mind is in shock. When did she get here?
"I'm sorry," she tells him, gazing at him solemnly. "Phil told me what happened. It is my fault. I should've never been a part of your lives." No. She is the best woman that ever entered his life (Phil fits the man description). "I'm the reason why there's a rift between you two. If the fans find out, they'll flame me. Hate me. I don't want that. I don't want to hurt you two. I don't want to hurt myself again."
He stares at the younger girl, still in shock. What is she saying? Is she saying goodbye?
"Dan, I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved a boy before. When you entered my life, I thought I finally found someone that would make me believe I can be loved." She takes a step forward. His eyes briefly flicker to look at Phil, who gives him a curt nod.
"I love you too." It's the truth. Phil knows that, so why lie?
"I know you do. But you love Phil. And to be honest, you'll hurt yourself more if you lose Phil over losing me." She bites her lip. "Dan, you'll always be a part of my life. Whether you're my friend or my boyfriend, I'll always find room for you to be here." She balls her hand into a fist and lays it on her chest. "The fans adore Phan for a reason. I adore Phan for a reason. You two belong together. You don't see it now, but imagine ten years from now if Phil isn't your boyfriend. Or even your best friend. If you two lost touch, can you live with that?"
He makes the mental image. He can't handle the thought of a future without Phil. Even if Phan never became Phan, he couldn't picture a day spent without Phil around. He still wonders how he survived living without Phil before they met in 2009.
His facial expression is the answer she looks for. "You can't, because Phil is your soulmate. You can't live without him. Me? I'll be fine. If I'm gonna get hurt again, at least I'm getting hurt for the right reason."
She tiptoes and kisses his cheek. "Let me make the choice. I choose for you to be happy." She backs away. "Thank you for being here for me and letting me see that I shouldn't give up on love. If we met under different circumstances, perhaps the possibility of us could have happened. But fate is the way it is. Fate chose you for Phil."
"No," he chokes. He can't do it. He can't let her go through with this.
He loves her. He needs her. When she came into his life, she gave his monochrome life a little more color. So did Phil, although the years before 2009 were in black and white. Phil gave him light. She gave him color. With the two of them together, as a result, he saw life as something wonderful to live, not as a burden to carry.
She smiles, one that is bittersweet and full of longing. "Don't worry. I'll still be your friend. But this, us, it has to end."
He grabs her hand, jerking her forward so her body crashes into his. He can't help it. His arms encircle her waist and he is giving her a bone-crushing hug.
"What if I don't want this to end? What if I want you?"
"Don't." Her words are muffled. She tilts her head up. "Don't you see? I'm doing the right thing. I'm saving you from making another mistake." She shoves on his chest, the movement causing him to let her go. "I can't give you everything. Only Phil can. He-"
"Stop." The sound of Phil's voice stuns the two. There are tears in his blue eyes. "This doesn't have to be done tonight." It's Phil turn to take a step forward. "Dan, I'm terribly sorry I've put you in this position. But I can't bear to watch her do this to you. You aren't ready. I'm not ready. She isn't ready. None of us are ready to make a final decision."
Silence hangs in the air. Phil is right. If he loses her tonight, he'll be the porcelain figure that may or may not be put back together again. He needs time. A day. Maybe two. Or a week. Between her and Phil, tonight is not the right moment to decide his fate.
"Alright," he murmurs. "I'll… think about it."
She sighs, backing away from the two men. "I guess so." She leans against the doorframe. "I'm assuming you read my Tumblr post?"
He nods.
"It wasn't meant to be a plea for you to choose me. I just needed to let off steam."
"I know." She is capable of writing anything. When she doesn't write like that, she can write things that can make him roll on the floor laughing for hours.
"You're my friend too," Phil says, looking at her. "If he chooses you, no hard feelings."
"Don't say that. Whatever decision Dan makes, it'll be hard for the both of us."
They stand there. A new tension fills the open room. This is what it has come down to, three people with feelings that have tilted the axis of their worlds.
Tonight, everything was laid out on the line.
Whatever tomorrow holds, they'll face it head-on, a day for a man of chances, a woman of porcelain, and a man of flaws to deal with.
Yup. Sounds like a cliffhanger, huh? I really gotta lay off on watching Parasyte: the maxim. Like Phil said, it's an anime where every episode is a cliffhanger. I agree, although I was already in the midst of watching the anime before Phil made the suggestion (Shinichi is a mobile danger magnet). I have more rage fits for Parasyte than some of the Filipino teleseries I'm watching lately. I like open-ended endings though, as long as it's done right.
I left the OC unnamed so you can read the story as it is rather than focus on the name of the female. In a way, it could be a female reader, but the things she said may not be the way she is for most females out there, especially if you don't write fanfictions. So I left her as an OC. But if you can relate to the OC, then feel free to insert yourself as the reader.
Who will Dan choose? Will he stay with Phil, or go after the OC? Well, that's up to you. Dan's choice is in your hands.
Until next time.
~ AA
