A/N: I apologise for the incredibly depressing nature of this! I saw these lyrics though and I thought they were appropriate for how Scully would have felt after giving William up. It was never really covered in the episodes afterwards (and I don't think it should have been in all fairness) but I wanted to attempt to give a little snippet of Scully's thoughts after the events. As it is intended to be her thoughts, it's a bit all over the place. Song is 'Wait' by Sarah McLachlan.
Disclaimer: The X-Files was created and therefore is owned by Chris Carter, Ten Thirteen Productions and Fox Broadcasting. I am using these characters without permission. No copyright infringement is intended. I also do not own any of Sarah McLachlan's songs, unfortunately.
Summary: Scully's thoughts after giving William away.
Title: Broken
Author: AllyBallyBee
Classification: PG
Keywords: A bit of MSR, mostly just depressing thoughts!
Spoilers: Up to and including William.
***
"You
know if I leave you now
it doesn't mean that I love you any less
it's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else
like this
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to
hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the
new born hope unjaded by their years..."
She thought she would die. At least, she thought that she should have died. After all, how could she live without that innocent little boy who had come to symbolise everything that had come to pass over the past eight years of her life? A little boy who had sprung from a love that she had struggled to articulate on since it began.
She felt like her heart would break...no, her soul. Was that even possible? The pain she felt told her that it was.
She didn't even know if this was pain. She felt like she was circling herself; at once connected and ultimately detached from her own body. It was as if she could ascertain that she was in pain but that the pain was only affecting her body, not her mind. Yet, thinking hurt.
She felt empty. Hollow. Separate from herself, the world. Disconnected.
And she was glad that Mulder was far from her, from here. In a place where he couldn't be affected by the decision that she had taken. Where he could remain ignorant of their loss.
She was glad because his arms encircling her would be the last straw. A comfort she didn't deserve. Didn't want.
She didn't even know how she would be able to be next to him, never mind with him. She was sure that he would never say so, because he wouldn't want to hurt her, but that part of him would hate her somewhat for her decision. For her rationality, her logic, something from which his instinctive nature had always diverged.
She knew that if he had been with her, part of her would want to leave here. To escape from his searching eyes, from his attempts of comfort, understanding. To run away from his own pain at the loss of their son. His love would have been too much for her.
Her love wouldn't have been enough for him; her love hadn't been enough to keep William by her side.
***
Sitting on the park bench, she watched the mothers who would never know the pain of losing their children. Never know how it felt to have part of your very essence torn from your being.
Her breath caught in her throat and she began to cry the tears that had ceased to come when she handed William over to his new, safe, life. That had ceased to fall when she had come home to see his empty crib; his baby grow on the changing table that would never again feel his warmth.
She felt broken.
***
