Just Inside Your Arm


Companion piece to "Murmur". Again, slightly experimental.
The title is from Melissa Etheridge's song "Sleep", off the (appropriately titled) album "Breakdown".
*`-,--

It's two in the morning, and there is a killer in my bed.

He--I don't know what to call what he did to me an hour ago. What we did to each other. We shared a few cigarettes and then he started touching me again, and this time I don't know what got into me but I had to touch him as well, touch him until he shouted and gasped for air. He's beautiful when his face twists like that; for a moment you can almost believe he feels something.

Almost.

We haven't moved since then; for a long time it was wonderful and warm and comfortable, his arms around me and the thump of his heartbeat against my back. But now--now I'm starting to get that knot in the pit of my stomach, the kind that warns of a spell's backlash roaring towards me.

I should have known better. I should have fought him the moment I knew he was in my apartment. Hell, I should have asked him then and there to make my Wish a reality--I should have done anything, anything but let him in like I did.

Hokuto, forgive me. Grandmother, forgive me. Kamui, oh god, Kamui please forgive me: I should be protecting you with my life, and all I can do--all I want to do--is lie here being held by the enemy. The same man who I know has tried to kill you. Letting him stay here, letting him kiss me--I can't think of a worse betrayal.

And, God forgive me, I liked it.

He's probably staring at my hair on the pillow, waiting for me to let my guard down so he can touch me (hurt me?) again. His breath is hot against the back of my neck, moving in a slow calm cycle.

I remember how half an hour ago he hissed and gasped, Subaru-kun, Subaru-kun, almost smiling as he rocked against my hand. Or maybe he wasn't smiling; when his mouth came down on mine and my throat filled with his hard gasps I didn't feel the smirk I felt in some of his other kisses...

It was the closest I've ever been to seeing him anything but calm.

And the quiet now is driving me insane.

Is he waiting for something? Is he going to speak up or shove his hand through my chest or--oh god please no--or stand up and leave me at any moment? Does he think I'm asleep? Does he want me to turn over, so he can look me in the eye and offer me some sarcastic little joke before he makes his next move?

Is he waiting for me to ask him what he wants?

He isn't moving. His heartbeat is perfectly calm and steady, and I can feel his warmth seeping into the mattress. I shouldn't enjoy that feeling, that softness that rolls over me in waves... maybe what comes after this will hurt more, maybe I'll invite the punishment on myself I deserve so well.

Turning over seems to take forever, but when it's done--

His eyes are shut, and now that I can hear his breathing I can hear that it's slow and deep. He does not open his eyes; he hasn't even sensed that I've turned over.

He's asleep.

We're equals in power, as far as onmyoujitsu goes; I'm sure he knows I could kill him while he sleeps. He's vulnerable, for the first time in as long as I've known him, and probably completely unconscious of that fact.

And he's asleep beside me.

Love tightens around my heart so hard I can almost hear it crack, and like a branch finally collapsing under the slow assault of flame, it breaks completely as I rest my head on his shoulder.