This was my first fan-fiction. No, no! *Drags your cursor away from the x button* I assure you it is a lot of fun and wasn't written when I was 12. It is about a year old now (i think) and was never properly finished, but I hope it gives you a nice break from some of the more ordinary sap this website is leaking!

And with no further comments, I present to you my crackfic, The overly fascinating life of Celia


Chapter one - Carrots

Celia toyed with the daisy stalk, curling it between her fingers and tearing off the petals. The morning sun stretched overhead, casting a lazy glow over the turnips. She lay propped up on her elbows amongst them.

"Shouldn't you be working?" Vesta's generous shadow towered over her.

"I guess..." Celia twisted round to face the beast "but all we ever do is stare at the crops anyway."

She knew she had said something wrong at the sight of the huge purple vein pulsing on Vesta's forehead.

"Stare at the crops? STARE AT THE CROPS? Do you know how much good it does?!" She barked, sparing no inch of Celia's face from a coating of spit. Vesta continued by reciting her favourite lecture on the importance of crop staring - "...then the eyes transmit that loving message directly to the core..." - whilst Celia gathered herself in time to escape.

Slipping past the stormy Vesta, who's eyes were helpfully closed as a result of her rage, Celia raced up the path only to bump into Marlin. Celia snarled at him "Get out the way" before pushing past anyway and running onto the bridge. Marlin's small self confidence shrivelled and died like a weed that had just been brutally sprayed with weed killer. Ever since Celia starting wearing shorts, he thinks sadly to himself she's looked so much hotter! She's changed so much.

Vesta, having only just realised Celia had left, pounded the ground (which causesd a nasty earthquake that luckily only killed Galen when he falls into one of the bottomless cracks) and screams after the insolent child.

"YOU'RE FIRED!!" Hearing this, Marlin runs off to cry in the corner.

The goddess pond felt so tranquil, glossy trees lining the mirror bright pond, thick weeds growing in the fertile ground. Celia gingerly inched the ugly brown shoes off her throbbing feet, sighing with relief when she pushed them into the pond. Foot fungus looked almost pretty in the icy cool water.

"Oi! What are you doing?" Celia holds back the groan when she felt another shadow encompass her. The angry, yet somewhat silvery voice of the harvest goddess was heard. Celia allowed her head to fall back to 'gaze' upon the 'beauty' of the Goddess. Instead, she got a bit of a shock.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!" Celia screamed, lugging her foot fungus out of the water and reeling back in fear. Blotchy red spots had erupted all over the goddess' face. It was a mass of ugly teenage acne, glowing and bleeding oddly.

Suddenly self conscious, the goddess screamed and covered her face. "It was the Witch okay!! Put some kind of stupid spell on my gorgeous face, THAT COW!!". Having got over the initial shock, Celia could almost laugh. The Goddess scowled at her not very well hidden amusement. "Just keep your grotty feet out of my pond okay!? AND DON'T TELL ANYONE!!"

"Sounds to me like this means a lot to you - " an evil grin formed around Celia's features "- we might have to secure a little deal to ensure my mouth stays shut." The goddess gave her a hard stare, before the glare accidentally slipped into the pond were she saw the reflection of her ugly mug.

"Fine, what do you want?" She glowered, sulking. Celia whispered in her ear. The Goddess' face fell to that of a worried mother.

Sadly, due to Marlin's fragile self esteem, no-one is allowed to make carrot jokes any more because he will run off to check the contents of his underwear, no thanks to Celia's little bargaining.