Speak The Truth
These dreams came often, dreams of home, of love. It did not help that the reality of his situation could not be further from these dreams. He lay in his tent, breathing in the humid air of the Dothraki Sea. Drink did little to relieve his current situation. He willed himself to stop thinking about Daenerys, but he could not.
He brushed his fingers across the blade of his sword, enjoying the sensation of the cold metal. What good is a sword he thought to himself, if you have no one to fight with it for? If he could not pledge his heart to the young queen, he would at least pledge his sword. He knew what that meant. He would never see home again, never lay eyes on the wild beauty of bear island. With Its snow covered pines, ice cold streams, and isolated silence. But deep down he knew there was nothing there for him. The pardon he had so eagerly wanted, now held little significance in his eyes.
He had the urge to get and speak to her at once. To take her in his arms and forget himself in one moment of bliss. But he knew what that one moment of bliss would cost him. Perhaps it was worth it. What do I have to loose he thought to himself. He felt young and foolish once more. Something he was trying to avoid.
He wanted to walk out of his tent, and just keep walking into the endless Grasslands of the Dothraki Sea. Hoping that there he would find his home. A home where he was happily married, had a wife who loved him for who he was, not what he could give her. That somewhere shrouded in those endless plains was a future he take hold of. Thinking that this was the one time he would be able to outrun his past mistakes, and start over.
He quickly dressed and walked outside. Hoping that a walk would calm his nerves. The smells of the grasslands washed over him, strong and pleasant. He walked in the direction of Daenerys tent, knowing full well she would be asleep. The young Khaleesi was not yet accustomed to riding for so long, she looked exhausted today he thought to himself. He had often spoken to her these past few days, she wanted to know more and more about his home, his former life. Many details of which he left out. Daenerys was curious to know all she could about the seven kingdoms. He was more than happy to speak with her, telling her of the noble houses, their histories and the wars they waged. Yet it was one question that caught him of guard, a question that had no definite answer.
What does it feel like, to marry for love? She had asked the question before they were interrupted by one of her handmaids. She had looked at him as she was walking away, a smile on her lips.
He kept repeating it to himself, and that look she had in her eyes. Lynesse had at one time looked and smiled at him like that. The thought was not a comforting one. She was the one person he was trying to forget. Yet the pain of remembrance was pleasant. A woman's warmth and smile. He missed them. He had walked a good ways from the camp, when a voice broke his thoughts.
"Does sleep evade you as well Ser Jorah" Daenerys said with a smile. The moon reflecting in her silver hair.
"It has on many nights your grace" Jorah said with a look of surprise at seeing Daenerys out, alone, without her handmaids which were constantly by her side.
"How many times must I tell you, call me Daenerys, there is no need for those courtesies here." she said coming up closer, looking up at him with eyes that betrayed sadness that she was trying so hard to hide.
"You are a Khaleesi, and I am a knight in your brother's service, it would seem out of place, too familiar your grace" Jorah said as he continued walking, with her by his side.
"If I am a Khaleesi Jorah, then obey me, when we are alone you may call me Daenerys, you are a close friend and advisor to me." She said.
"If you wish it Daenerys, what would the Khal think if he sees us here alone?" Jorah said
"Khal Drogo has decided not to visit my tent tonight, and do you fear him Jorah?" she said with a teasing look on her face
"I prefer to keep my head Daenerys, I respect the khal, he is your husband, and men with beautiful wives are not known to be patient." He said quickly glancing at her. As they strode through the grass which came up to their waists.
"You think me beautiful Jorah." Said Daenerys with a playful look on her face.
"As would any man with eyes Daenerys" Lynesse had once asked the same question, and he had given her the same answer. Somewhere deep down in his heart, he missed her, yet he wanted nothing more than to forget her.
He thought he had been too hasty with those words, yet that was what he felt, it was the truth. The two continued walking further and further from the camp, to a small hill where they both stopped and looked up at the moon. It was silent here, the only sound was that of a slight breeze that carried the sweet smells of the grass. He looked at her, her pale cheeks suddenly turning a slight red.
"It is peaceful here, is it not?" He said, wanting so badly to tell her everything he had been feeling, the thoughts that had kept him up so many nights.
"Is it peace you seek Ser Jorah?" she said stepping closer to him.
Too close Jorah thought, I am a knight, a grown man, she is wife to another, she is too young. This cannot be he thought, he felt the pang of contradiction, regret, bitterness consuming him.
Yet all he could manage to say was "My duty is to serve you, to protect you, that is all I seek."
She saw how much effort it took for him to say it, how much he was holding back.
"Do you have no place in your heart for love Ser Jorah?" she said putting her hand in his.
"What love can there be between us, Daenerys, it cannot be, perhaps in another life, and you were not married, and I were not a knight of little consequence." He pulled his hand out of hers, turned quickly and started walking back to the camp.
She caught up to him. Her voice filled with rage and sadness, "You fear to admit the truth Ser Jorah, do you think I am so blind as to not see how you look at me? I did not think you to be a coward."
The words struck him. He had been called many things in his life, but coward never. He stopped in his tracks. The camp was coming into view. He wanted to just keep walking, but his heart got the better of him.
"What would me speaking the truth change Daenerys? You will still be a Khaleesi, and I will still be a Knight who has nothing, no lands, no wealth, nothing, I could never give you anything." He said looking her in the eyes which were starting to fill with tears. Every word wounding her.
"I wish it were different, I really do, nothing in this world would make me happier than to love you, but even you must see that it may never be. Get some rest Daenerys, tomorrow will be another hard day of riding." With this he resolutely started walking back to the camp. not turning to look back.
He made his way back to his tent. His heart and his mind in conflict. Maybe she was right and he was a coward and could not admit to her his true feelings. Yet he felt he had little choice in the matter. On arriving back in his tent he picked up his sword and swung it at the air, letting his frustration out. He wanted to scream.
He lay back down again breathing heavily hoping that finally he would be able to sleep. Hoping that dreams would cure the disease which he called reality.
Suddenly he heard footsteps by his tent, he sat up, reaching for his sword. It was the last person he was expecting to see.
He watched her pull aside the tent flaps, and stand there with the moonlight dancing like a thousand shattering diamonds in her hair. Her eyes determined. Her pale features, and slender figure framed by the night.
He put his sword down, a look of pleasant surprise and bewilderment on his face. Was this nothing more than the tricks of a mind gone mad with love, with bitter memories, and with the hope that things could be different? This is surely some trick of the gods he thought to himself.
"Your grace." But before he could finish, she came up to him kneeling by his side, and said "why are you men so stubborn?"
She pressed her lips to his. He cupped her face in her hands, kissing her with an urgency that he had not felt in so long. How he missed the warmth of a woman's touch.
"Speak the truth Ser Jorah, do you not love me?" her lips held a teasing smile.
"I have loved you from the first" he said pressing his lips to hers.
"You do know what this means, do you not?" he said smiling at her.
"It will be our secret, Jorah, Is this not what you have sought, my knight, you said you will serve me and protect me, but what I want is for you to love me." she said.
She laid down next to him, laying her head on his chest. All of a sudden all the doubts, regrets, and fears left him. He finally felt at peace. The feelings flooded over him. He feared that this was a dream, and that at any moment he would wake.
He listened to her uneven breathing as they lay there, not saying anything. The only sounds those of the swaying grass, and the far off cry of some bird.
There they lay enveloped in a cocoon made of dreams, of silence, and the beating of their hearts.
"I want you to have this" jorah said as he took out a silver chain with a small pendant of hammered iron, in the shape of a bear. And put it slowly around her neck.
"A humble gift for a Khaleesi" he whispered kissing her lips softly.
"This is the Sigil of your house. It's wonderful Jorah," She said as she turned the pendant in her hand.
"It will remind you of me, just know, no matter what happens, or where you are, you'll have a piece of me with you, I'll always be watching over you," he said. He could see the tears forming in her eyes.
"Jorah you shouldn't, I have nothing for you" she was saying as he pressed his finger to her lips.
"You have already given me more, than I could ever repay" he said with a satisfied grin.
"And what would that be, my knight" she said as she sat up a looked down on him playfully.
"Someone to serve, someone to fight for, and most important of all someone to love" he said as he sat up kissing her.
"I can have no peace without you Daenerys," he let the words sink in. laying bare his very heart.
"Nor I without you, Jorah" she whispered tenderly into his ears.
So far from home, yet with her in his arms, he felt that this was his home. Yet he knew that it was a secret they would have to protect with their lives. It seemed unfair, cruel, yet he knew that this was the closest he would get to finding peace, to finding home. It seemed as if the pieces of his life were finally coming together.
The sound of her voice broke the spell
"Jorah, tell me more of your home, I want to know everything, it sounds beautiful from what I've heard of it" she said, smiling.
"Close your eyes, Daenerys, and imagine a place at the edge of the world, a place of strange beauty, a place of eternal silence." He remembered every detail so vividly he could feel the cold, harsh, land that had made him. A place whose character was forged forever into his heart, a place of tremendous resilience, and unyielding loyalty.
