Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek. I'm just borrowing it for a while.
A Little Help
The male bridge officers of the Enterprise were assembled in the captain's mess for their weekly poker game. The ship had just completed a successful mission and was en route to Wrigley's Pleasure Planet for some much needed R&R.
"So Spock," McCoy drawled. "How are things in the romance department? Will I be receiving a wedding invitation from you and Uhura soon?"
Spock suppressed a sigh. He knew the doctor was baiting him as per usual, and this wasn't a subject that he wished to discuss. However, avoiding it would only make him that much more persistent.
"As I have told you before Doctor, there is no romance between Lieutenant Uhura and myself. We are merely friends, nothing more."
"Hogwash! I saw y'all kissing in the conference room a couple of weeks ago after you denied there was anything between you. That certainly didn't look like two people who are 'just friends' to me."
"Doctor, I do not wish to discuss this matter any further," Spock said in a low voice.
"Fine. Tell me you're not interested in her and I'll leave you alone."
Spock stared at his cards and said nothing.
"So you do want a relationship with her?" This was from the captain, who had been ignoring their banter but now displayed a sudden interest in the conversation.
"It does not matter Jim, I am afraid that Ms. Uhura construed my actions as nothing more than 'playful flirting.' I do not believe that she wishes to pursue a relationship with me."
He had everyone's attention now. The room was silent as they all absorbed the implications of that very intriguing statement.
"Have ye said anything to the lass?" Scotty asked finally.
Spock was beginning to wish he had never succumbed to McCoy's needling. "I have attempted to communicate my interest on several occasions, but she has not 'taken the hint' so to speak. Apparently this is not an area that I am proficient in."
"And no wonder, if you talk to her like that!" McCoy said. "You need to woo her, Spock. Let some feelings show. Women love that stuff."
"Meester Spock, I know exactly vhat to do!" Chekov piped up from the corner.
"Oh please, you're just a boy" McCoy scoffed. "What could you possibly know about courting a woman?"
"I am no boy!" Chekov yelled, throwing his cards on the table and glaring at the doctor. "No one ees more successful than I at dealing vith the ladies. In fact, courtship vas inwented een Russia…"
Spock cut him off, hoping to forestall a long lesson in Russian history. "Ensign, what do you suggest that I do?"
Simple, sair. You vrite her a note telling her how you feel..."
"Pass her a note, Chekov?" McCoy countered, setting his own cards down. "What do you suggest he do next, hold her hand while they sell band candy? Sneak a kiss behind the bleachers at the homecoming game? Spock, don't listen to this upstart. I'm an expert at old-fashioned southern romance."
"Old-fashioned is right," Chekov muttered. "Your techniques vould vork if you vere courting her great-grandmother."
"You arrogant little…"
Kirk chuckled. "Spock, ignore those two and listen to the master." He sat his cards on the table and leaned back, a philosophical look on his face. "I happen to prefer the direct approach, myself."
"Oh boy" McCoy said. "Here we go."
"That's rich coming from someone who only gets a date once every blue moon," Jim sneered.
Sulu knew the poker game was over, having been replaced by the game of one-upmanship. He had seen the captain and the doctor like this before, and he knew it wouldn't be pretty. "Gentlemen," he said, "I suggest we leave." He began hustling the others out.
McCoy bristled. "Some of us happen to prefer quality over quantity. Enlighten me, O Great Font of Wisdom. Exactly what does the 'direct approach' consist of? Getting the override code to her quarters and surprising her naked with a rose in your mouth?"
"Now you're talking! I'd tie a ribbon around my…"
Thankfully they were out the door before Kirk could finish his statement.
The four of them stood in the hallway in awkward silence before Sulu finally spoke up/
"Mr. Spock, maybe the captain is right and you should try the direct approach," he ventured timidly.
Scotty and Chekov stared at Sulu in horror, while Spock flushed bright green. "Mr. Sulu, surely you are not suggesting that I…"
"No, no, no." Sulu said quickly. "Nothing like that. I just meant that you should tell Nyota that you'd like to get to know her better and invite her to join you for dinner on Wrigley's."
"Yes" Scotty agreed. "I donnae pretend to be an expert on women, but I think the lass would like that best."
"I still think you should vrite her note" Chekov said.
Spock considered for a moment. It was illogical, but the thought of approaching the lieutenant directly filled him with trepidation. He made his decision. "Very well Mr. Chekov. However, I do not believe that I am capable of conveying my regard in written format. I shall need your assistance."
"Don't vorry, sair. I hev the perfect thing in mind. It is a famous Russian poem. I vill translate and hev it ready for you by morning."
"Thank you Ensign."
Scotty and Sulu were skeptical but said nothing.
When Chekov sent the translated poem to his PADD, Spock read it warily. It was very...flowery. He decided to tone it down and make it a bit more logical before giving it to Uhura.
In the lift on the way to the bridge, Uhura was surprised when Spock handed her a note written on old-fashioned paper. He seemed uncharacteristically nervous, mumbling that she should read it when she had a break. He had then rushed off and ignored her the rest of the morning.
At lunch, Janice Rand joined Uhura at their favorite table. Uhura was reading something with a puzzled expression on her face.
"Hey, Ny. What you got there?"
"It's a note from Spock" Uhura said frowning, "but I can't make heads or tails of it. Here, see if you can figure it out." She handed it over.
Rand read it, equally perplexed. "Beats me. You should ask him what it is."
Spock looked up nervously as Uhura approached. She held the note in her hand. "Mr. Spock, about the note you gave me earlier. Is it some sort of encrypted communication that you'd like me to decode?"
