Hawke stirred and Anders took the opportunity to gently drop her head on the pillow as his shoulder was getting numb. He looked at her slender body proudly, she managed to be pure muscle and strength on combat and still be every inch a beautiful woman while naked in bed. He knew.. He had explored every inch of hers in the past 3 years.. Just tonight they had.. "Must you keep remembering those things so soon after you committed them ?" growled Justice. "Isn't it enough that you dragged me into it tonight already ?". Anders chuckled. "You didn't seem that eager to return control to me if I recall. Hawke is my lover not yours, you know ?". Justice snorted.. or would have if he could.. and answered "You know damn well that strong emotions bring me to surface. It is not my fault you insist on keeping this.. dalliance.. and get into those exertions so often. I am as helpless as you are to prevent when I surface" the spirit said crossly. "Be that as it may, I have seen you linger and not return control to me... And I could have sworn you were enjoying yourself tonight" said Anders chuckling. If spirits could blush Justice would be crimson red. "Enough. It is your fault and you know it". Anders sighed "Oh very well.. You are lucky Hawke thinks you are hot or I'd be really cross at you right now".

"Our threesome" she had called it. He had been taken aback, hating to think of himself and Hawke that way. But what could he do ? Justice was right, strong emotions brought Justice in control, and Hawke really knew how to stir those within himself. And he on her. In the end he had just accepted it. Merging with Justice had been his decision. Being with Hawke was his decision too. A merge so complete with a friend had it's downsides too. Luckily Hawke accepted it. She had always accepted him and what he was. If he didn't have a million other reasons to love her he would love her just for that. She had never shied away from him and his merge with Justice. Anders looked at Hawke at his side, absently playing with her hair. Three years later and he still could not believe he was awake sometimes. That she was his partner. That she have opened her home and heart for him.

He had loved her since they met. At first it was the confident proud way she moved, even being a refugee. Even needing his help for a Deep Roads Expedition that could change her luck, she had not begged, far from it. She had challenged him - an ex Grey Warden - to a fight. He had asked for her help in exchange for the maps, not counting on much but he needed someone to guide Karl out of the Chantry while he and Justice destroyed the templars. To his surprise Hawke and her team were really competent and before he knew the templars were defeated, without Justice needing to cast any spell. Anders shuddered. He hated giving Justice free reign to battle. The spirit had no concept of measure or mercy. He was glad he hadn't had to witness another massacre like the one he and Justice had done on the Deep Roads. He wasn't sure even templars deserved that end.

Hawke had fought like a vengeful goddess. If he believed in the Chantry's stories he would have thought Hawke like Andraste, a warrior goddess capable of fighting an entire Empire. Sword in hand, fearless and deadly, Hawke had dispatched with 3 templars herself, while her friends hit from range. The entire group of templars were down in mere seconds, while he was casting a Vengeance buff. He hadn't had to throw a single fireball. Still Justice had spoken and he had had to explain his nature to Hawke and her team. He had dreaded it, he was sure the beautiful Hawke would refuse to be anywhere near him after he told her what he was. It had been the reaction from everyone this far. Even the Wardens, the taint brigade who willingly drank darkspawn blood had frowned on his merge with Justice. Alas there was no way around it. Better just bring his nature out in the open and give them his Deep Roads maps. They had fulfilled their half of the bargain. He had no right to expect more.

But Hawke had not recoiled away in fear, at the mere mention of Justice. Even after telling her that he was possessed by a fade spirit, Hawke hadn't balked. She had even flirted with him. At the time he had not thought she was seriously flirting with him, he had chalked it up to Hawke trying to get him at ease and making it clear that she accepted him for who he was. She had no idea though. No one had. Except him. And it was up to him to protect his friends and the innocent from whatever harm came from his decision to merge with Justice.

So he had pushed Hawke away. He couldn't bear the thought of Justice doing anything violent and breaking Hawke's trust in him. He'd rather die. Yet, Anders couldn't bear to stay away from Hawke so he stayed in Kirkwall even after Karl's death. Mages needed help there and he could help them while being near her, talking to her, fighting at her side. He tried to make her see how dangerous he was. He tried to stay away from her, even though he ached for her every night, during the day all he offered her was friendship.

Yet she flirted mercilessly with him. Hawke was a flirt and he had seen how some of her friends were clearly interested in her but she never committed to anyone. Except him. Somehow he knew she meant it when she told him she was interested. But he hadn't allowed himself to respond and confess his obsession with her. Not until three years ago, when Justice almost killed a mage girl. Hawke had been able to stop Justice. To temper it's wrath long enough that he was able to seize control of his body back from Justice. He had been so ashamed. He was sure Hawke would tell him to leave her team. He was sure he deserved to be told to leave.

But she didn't. Hawke had been gentle, tender.. She thought his ability to wrest control proved he was a good man. She had taken his hand and told him she would help him through it. It was then he knew she was in love with him. He had wanted so much to kiss her then. But he could not allow himself to. He had almost killed an innocent girl. What could he do to Hawke if he lost control again ? As much as he yearned for her, as much as his heart bled daily from being away from her he could not bring himself to risk hurting Hawke. Not if he couldn't control Justice's wrath.

Hawke had told him that losing him would hurt her more than anything he could do to hurt her. She was wrong. He could hurt her more and he knew it. He must not allow himself to be with her. Just like in the previous 3 years, Anders tried very hard to steel himself and not respond to Hawke's flirting. But she wasn't flirting anymore. She was in love. Her openness about her love for him drove him insane. He could not bear being so close to her, knowing she yearned for him and not accepting her love. She haunted his sleep and his time awake. It was madness.. Like a fever that wouldn't go down, only getting hotter. He begged her to stop tempting him. He was still a man after all. He could not hold out for much longer. Her answer was a passionate plea for him to stop resisting her. To open himself for their love. The last of his willpower crumbled at that and he relented, kissing her hungrily.

That first kiss.. He knew then and there that he could not live without Hawke any longer. That he could not deny her the knowledge of how he felt about her. No matter what hurt came after to both of them, denying their love at that moment would hurt too much. He tried, still tried one more time to make her see how doomed and dangerous he was. But by then he couldn't think of anything else but being with her, in her arms. He threw caution to the wind and so did she and he had moved to her estate. Hawke openly admitted she loved him, to everyone in Kirkwall. An apostate mage. An abomination. She didn't care, she still supported him fiercely. His Hawke. His lover. Sharing her life with him, like he had dreamed for years.

Having a loving partner for the last 3 years had made Anders stronger. Hawke shielded him from templars and wardens that were after him. Her house was a nice quiet place where he could study Tevinter magic undisturbed, where none of his books would be stolen or reported to the Chantry. Or snooped on by Merril thought Anders chuckling to himself. Merril had tried to get some "dirty spells" of the grimoir he left at his clinic. He laughed at her when he caught her. The good ones were at his home, in Hawkes library but Merril didn't need to know that. Who would she use those spells with anyway ? She barely talked with anyone outside Hawke's team. Could she and Fenris ? Nah.. More like Merril had something going with Isabella.. Who didn't ? Except him and Hawke of course. Well except Hawke.. Even he had had a tumble with Isabella long ago, in his carefree womanizing days in Ferelden...

The warmth from the fireplace finally did it's magic on him and Anders felt very sleepy, his hand still caressing Hawke, the love of his life, sleeping at his side. Life didn't get any better than this in this cursed land he thought happily and drifted into sleep.