My name is Kokonoe, and by profession, I do terrible things.
I ususally like to think I'm less malicious than that monster of a man Relius Clover - And on the matter of those of you who wish to compare my amoral methods to that snake, die. But I will be the first to admit, I've done a wide variety of stupid, and at times, cruel things. We all do things we regret, but it's my lack of regret that tends to get me. I could bore you with the many nights I've woken up in cold sweats after a nightmare, and run down in my underwear to make sure nothing was wrong with my stockpile. However, like I said - It would surely bore you, save for the imagery of me running around half-naked. I know how people think. Hmph.
That's not what I'm worrying about now, though. No, no, not at all. Rather, I'm thinking about Lambda. She didn't deserve what happened to her. Not a bit. It's bad enough what those bastards who abandoned her did, I'm still not sure I should have ever sent her into battle in her state, but that's issues I regularly encounter. The thing is, it's just, it's - Oh goddammit, she didn't understand! She didn't know why it all happened, she didn't know why she had to suffer and die, and she'll never know how much I cared about her! I normally don't get so invested in these things, but Lambda was different. Have you ever read To Kill a Mockingbird? It's just like Lambda; she was just like a mockingbird. She didn't want to hurt anyone, she would have been happy to do anything but fight, she just wanted to find out what in the hell she was and what the hell was going on, but she barely got to live - To really, really live - Before she got killed.
I know that she wasn't alive like you or me. I know that very well. I understand that she was only ever intended to do battle, and that while she's dead, she might now finally be able to have some peace, and maybe even learn to understand what she is. That won't change how I feel, no matter how selfish of me it is. It makes me angry. It makes me sad. I want to stay in bed for days, just cry, and cry, and cry. Thing is, time goes on - And time is not on my side. I have to prepare for the time when all the pieces will be set out on the table, when the game is truly in action, and this clusterfuck of a looping war finally reaches its true battlefield. What I would give for that damned vampire's knowledge, and her ability to bear it all.
Hours in the Past, but Not Many...
After a few minutes of staring at Lambda's flatlined vitals, I've realized it's final.
She's dead.
For a while, I say nothing. Then, I scream, and throw a dusty old box of candy clear across the room. For a moment, I'm worried - I look, and in the same instant of relief that the box didn't bust open, a bubbling black spring of rage oozes up again. This time, it comprises entirely of self-loathing; an innocent creature with thoughts and feelings just died, because of me, and I'm worrying about a goddamned box of chocolates. I half-want to stomp the thing into the floor, but I realize that ruining a perfectly good gift from Litchi will do nothing more than feed into a later state of depression.
Once I've picked up the box, opened it up, and begun eating the Ferrero Rocher chocolates inside, my anger boils down and fades. Now, I just feel empty inside. The aching, gnawing emptiness of knowing I've done something terrible, and irreversible.
I don't know when I start crying, but by the time I have to close the box and set it on my shelf again, I have to clean the tears off of my glasses.
Thank God that Tager and Hakumen will be gone for the rest of the day.
Returning to Present Time...
Fingers steepled, elbows propped up before me on a rickety desk, I try to think of what I can do to take my mind off of this completely shitty disaster I've practically tailor made to occur. My thoughts are storming around inside my head, until I don't even register my surroundings.
Thus, I have to deal with the embarrassment of how high I jump at the hand on my shoulder.
I push my glasses back up my nose, glaring flatly at Rachel. "Apologies, Miss Kokonoe," she says in that soft, silky voice. Right now, that voice makes me want to bust her nose, but I know that trying that out would get me fried. So, I just sit there with my default scowl. "I am truly sorry for your loss. If you wish, I could leave this instant." Once again, I'm in two minds. Part of me wants nothing more than to cuss her right back to her damned castle. On the other hand, I know that somehow, she more likely than not understands this feeling very, very well. As her crimson orbs stare at me, I begin slowly.
In the process of talking, something in me quickly breaks. Words begin tumbling out of me, shaken and out of control. By the time it slows to a stop, my entire body is shivering quietly, and sweat slicks my brow. I stare at the floor, fingernails digging into my palms.
For a long, long while, Rachel watches me in silence. When she finally speaks, it almost fails to register. "Lambda-11 never blamed you. There's no reason to blame yourself, now."
Before I can speak, she's disappeared. I stare after for a while, then sink back into my seat.
That emptiness within has begun to feel somewhat less painful.
