(Obviously, this was written before AWE came out… and it's not by me, but rather, my mom… Big sigh. P)
Jack Sparrow and the Jar of Dirt – A Love Story
Once upon a time our beloved Jack Sparrow fell in love… with a jar of dirt. At first, Jack was a bit skeptical, doubting his feelings; but even our Jack could not resist the jar of dirt's charms. The two became inseparable. Jack's friends did not understand, but Jack knew that what he had with the jar of dirt was something special.
Then some weird stuff started happening and tentacle man, aka Davy Jones, decided that he couldn't let the happy couple be…
Jack then had to defend his jar of dirt a junk load of terrible beasties, fighting them on land and sea. Even after all of this, Jack's friends still did not understand, especially Will, who was quite jealous that the jar of dirt had won Jack's affections (something Will so desperately wanted). Will confronted Jack, and Jack calmly explained his love for the jar of dirt, but alas, in that moment, Jack lost his hold on the jar of dirt and his world was shattered forever.
As Will was quietly smirking to himself, content with his work (he'd coated the jar of dirt with oil when Jack wasn't looking) and Jack was grieving over the loss of his one true love, Elizabeth was developing feelings of her own for the pirate…
That eventually led to the infamous ambush kiss (yey, a more memorable moment of Dead Man's Chest )… and Will witnessed this while spying on the object of his affection. What the heck? he thought. Oh, I see! Jack will give his heart to ANYONE but me! Why?! WHY?! Am I truly that hideous?! He collapsed weakly, unaware at Jack was now explaining to Elizabeth that his heart was broken and he couldn't love her as anything more than a friend. Will sighed. Fine. I'm not going to waste my time on him anymore. If he hates me that much… ugh! I don't believe I straightened my hair for that PIRATE!
But, as we all know, this is easier said than done…
Then, Romeo and Juliet style, Jack decides that if he and the jar of dirt cannot be together in this life, they will be in the next… and throws himself into the gaping jaws of the Kraken.
Everyone, especially Will, is brokenhearted.
In the aftermath of this terrible tragedy, Will and Elizabeth hold a candlelight vigil for his lost love in the same place in which they had first met. Here Will is plagued by memories of Jack the jar of dirt.
Tia Dalma interrupted their silent mourning. "What would you be willing to do?"
Will looked up, valiantly smudging tears from his eyes. "Huh?"
"Would you brave the weird and haunted shores at world's end to do to fetch back witty Jack?"
Everyone looked at each other. Eventually, people started volunteering. By this time, Will was utterly consumed with grief. "YES! Yes, I'd do anything! Just bring him back!" He broke off with a choked sob. Elizabeth gave a consoling pat on the back.
WHAT NOW SHALL BECOME OF OUR HEROES? WILL THEY RESCUE JACK? WHAT OF THE JAR OF DIRT—CAN THAT BE RESCUED AS WELL? WILL THE WORLD EVER KNOW HOW MANY LICKS TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?!
We're going to find
out… May 25th, when Pirates of the Caribbean 3, At
World's End,
comes out in theaters…
