Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Don't sue me, Bella.

I stared at Edward's perfect, godlike marble granite face with chagrin, admiring his perfect, golden, ocher, tawny, butterscotch, honey eyes and his brilliant, perfect, shiny, gleaming, glow-in-the-dark teeth.

"Hello Edward," I said in my boring, chagrined human voice.

Edward's expression shifted to chagrin. "Hello Bella," he said in his irresistible, velvety voice that was like melting honey, even though honey is already liquidy and doesn't really melt. "Your wise chocolate eyes look so beautiful today."

I was so chagrined by Edward's godlike, angelic perfection that I forgot to breathe and collapsed in his cold granite arms. I blushed.

Suddenly, the sun came out. The sunlight made Edward's perfect, smooth, granite skin resemble a thousand incandescent, scintillating, glistening, dazzling, rainbow shards of diamond or crystal.

"Edward, you are so perfect," I sighed with chagrin.

"Yes, I am far superior to any human," he agreed.

I blushed. "You're so modest, too!"

Once again, I admired Edward's perfection with chagrin. Was I worthy of this beautiful, godlike creature, with his cool, snowy white skin, the perfect bruise like shadows under his perfect, golden, ocher, tawny, butterscotch, honey eyes, and his exquisitely ruffled hair that managed to be bronze and auburn at the same time? But before I could think of an answer, I daydreamed of falling atop of his fluffy bronze and reddish brown locks, which feathered lightly to frame his perfectly sculptured face. He was made by the angels, I knew I wouldn't deserve such a gift; I wouldn't be surprised if wings appeared on his back, equally fluffy and heavenly like the rest of him.

Edward continued to sparkle as I admired his straight, perfect, angular features, his godlike ear, and his perfect, sculpted musculature. With a stab of despair and chagrin, I realized the truth. I was unworthy of Edward's perfection. He looked at me with his perfect, golden, ocher, tawny, butterscotch, honey eyes as I swallowed myself in self pity and chagrin. Soon enough his buff, cool, marble arms were around me, his melodic, angelic, harmonious voice shushing my tears.

"What's wrong, not as amazing Bella?" he asked.

I almost fainted at the sound of his rich, beautiful, mesmerizing, velvety voice. With chagrin, I fell to my knees in front of him. Un-sparkling tears slid down my non-sculpted face. I blushed.

"I am not worthy, I am not worthy!!" I chanted, my un-velvety voice seeming like a witch's screech compared to his.

He smiled the crooked, charming, gleaming smile that I loved. "I know Bella ...love. But you need to move on, just face the fact that you can never be as amazing as I."

I tried to smile back, but my smile was not crooked or charming or gleaming. My teeth didn't even glow in the dark! I sighed with disappointment and chagrin.

Edward also sighed with chagrin. "Bella… I have a confession to make," he said in his velvety, irresistible voice. "I'm not really a vampire. I'm just a Gary Stu covered in makeup and body glitter."

"BUT EDWARDDD!!!!" I whined in my shrill, un-velvety, resistible voice. "You're too prefect to not be a vampire, and that totally ruins the back cover to the first Twilight book! Now I'm not absolutely positive about any of those three things!"

"I'm sorry Bella, I was born so handsome. And like OMG Paris Hilton's new body glitter works wonders! It exfoliates as well as shines my skin!! And it was on sale!!! OMG I wonder if I can get anymore, but I highly doubt it," he cutely pouted with chagrin.

I was so chagrined that I didn't even notice when I fell down two flights of stairs and through a window, broke my neck, and died.

But then an angelic voice called to me..."Edward?" I mumbled dumbly.