Did it matter? So what, he was on the run. So what, he was hated by almost all of the Wizarding community. He was relaxed, he was happy, and he felt lazy. He didn't want to get up, and it felt good. He didn't even want to think about the traitor Pettigrew…oh there he went.
It wasn't the fact that he killed Lilly and James, no, it was worse. It was the fact that he had betrayed is best friends. It was the fact that he cared more about himself than the people that mattered most; it was the fact that he orphaned Harry. In a way, Sirius felt it was his fault, for giving up his job as Secret Keeper. Harry still would have had his parents, and Sirius wouldn't have been in the Bahamas, half a world away from his godson, running away from the Wizarding World. But he was, and he was angry at Peter. Sirius wanted to find Peter and kill him, but he promised Harry he wouldn't. So Sirius sat back, and relaxed. What was the point of thinking of the past? Like thinking of his best friends, who are no longer there? Like James…and of course he thought of it.
James was his best friend. James helped him with everything. James helped him ask out his first girlfriend. James helped him plan his pranks. James helped him with studying. Well, maybe that was Remus. Sirius was too lazy to remember. But James had always been there for him, and Sirius hadn't when James really needed him.
The night James had died, Sirius had been out. Usually, Sirius had stayed at a house next door, not to their knowledge, because Sirius was scared for their safety. Sirius had usually been there, but that one night, James had told Sirius that they were considering taking Harry out for Halloween. Sirius was glad for this, because he had planned on going out, just to have a night alone. SO that night Sirius was out, at a muggle restaurant, eating dinner. He remembered that dinner perfectly. He had ordered a small chicken and vegetable soup for a small appetizer, then a small personal pizza. The pizza had had pepperoni, sausage, onions and peppers. Then, for desert, he had ordered something called a "New York Cheesecake" which he loved. When he had paid the bill, he went for a walk. He was in London that night, and the stars and moon looked beautiful. He had been near a small lake, and had been thinking of Hogwarts, the late nights he had spent time with his best friends there. When he came back to the small house, and heard Harry crying, he knew something was wrong. James silenced Harry when he cried, much to Lily's dismay. So Sirius knocked on their door, to make sure everything was alright. No one answered. Sirius started to become afraid. So he opened the door. And when he opened it, he almost passed out. James, James his best friend, his closest friend, his best friend, his brother he never had, was lying there, dead. Sirius ran up the stairs, and saw Lily sprawled out on the floor, dead. And then there was Harry, crying his eyes out, looking at his dead mother.
Sirius never forgave himself for that night. Who knew what could have happened if he had stayed that night? He could have saved them maybe. Maybe he could have been there for his best friend. Maybe he could have saved Harry from becoming an orphan. But right then, laying on his beach chair, he felt…good. He felt relaxed. He felt lazy. And it was peaceful. It was nice not to think about orphaned Harry or dead James or traitor Peter. It was nice to feel lazy and away from the world and his mistakes.
