Year One: What Hurts the Most

Eric sighed and rubbed his forehead and pushed himself away from the desk. He rested his feet on the corner of the desk and tried not to let his mind drift to Sawyer. It had been six months since she had left and every day was more painful than the last. He literally had to force himself to read the reports his man in New York sent him only once. He looked at the file sitting there on the file cabinet mocking him. He closed his eyes as the door to his office opened. He opened one eye and saw Jessica walk into the room and sit in the chair in front of his desk.

"Okay, so I am breaking all the rules and I stole Sookie's car to get here but... You need to read this," Jessica said digging in her bag and tossing a manuscript on his desk.

"And what is this?" Eric asked not touching the manuscript.

"Sawyer's new book. And... I don't think she meant to send this with it but it was stuck in between the pages."

Jessica pulled the folded papers out of her purse. She hadn't read the pages despite being very tempted. She had opened them once and when she had seen Eric's name on the top of the first page then had folded them back up and started to debate what to do. Talking with Hoyt had decided it for her. He had told her that if she had left him like Sawyer left Eric, he would want to have the letter no matter what it said. Jessica gently placed the letter on the manuscript. She watched as Eric just stared at the two items and didn't reach to take them. She watched Eric and knew that he was hurting. He looked up and met her eyes.

"Why did you bring them here?" he asked softly.

"Because if... If Hoyt was forced to leave me, I would want someone to give me any letters that he wrote me," Jessica explained.

Eric looked at the manuscript and the letter. He knew that whatever Sawyer had to tell him was probably going to hurt him but he needed to know. He reached out and placed his hand on the items and pulled them closer to him. He looked up when Jessica got up and walked to the door of the office. She gave him a smile before leaving the room and shutting the door.

Eric held the letter and slowly opened it. He saw Sawyer's messy handwriting on it and smiled a little. He remembered telling her over and over to write nicer and cleaner but her response had always been to stick her tongue out at him. Now, as he looked at her messy writing he realized that he wouldn't be able to tell her that anymore. She was lost to him forever. He sighed and started to read her words.

Eric,

I can't do this. I am sitting here and the twins are just screaming and I realized that I can't do this without you. I am trying really hard but I just can't handle all this. Everything is too much and it just hurts... It hurts to the bottom of my soul. How the hell am I supposed to move on and forget you? How am I supposed to stop loving you? Fuck, I wish someone could enlighten me because I am so lost that I think I might be stuck in freakin Narnia.

Eric laughed despite the blood tears rolling down his cheeks. He put the letter down and ran his hands over his face. He could read between the lines and knew that despite Sawyer trying to be funny, she was losing it. He knew his lover and she was barely holding on. He took slow deep breaths even though he didn't need to breathe and told himself that he couldn't go to her. He was binded by Sophie-Anne's order but right at the moment he didn't care. He was worried about Sawyer. He grabbed the letter and kept reading.

Jeremy tries and he is helping. He really is. God, I know you don't believe me. I can almost see you shaking your head and giving me that look. Oh, you know the one. The one that tells me that you don't believe a word I am saying. I miss that look. I miss all your looks especially... Especially the one you would give me when we were alone. The one that said you loved me and wanted me. Jeremy doesn't look at me that way. I know that no one will ever look at me that way again. I just... Everything was so right in Bon Temps and now here, in this city everything feels wrong.

I finished the book and my editor loves it but I can't... I can't even look at it right now. I hate it. Does that even make sense? I wrote this story, I created these characters based on my friends and family but I hate the very sight of that damn manuscript. I know why too. It's because it represents everything we were. You're in it. I call you Godric but everyone will know it's you. My Viking; the one who everyone said was finished with humanity. He then falls in love with a human. It's like a fairytale. Only problem is, this story is never going to have a happy ending. And I really want it to.

Ardith and Aleryck have finally stopped screaming and now they are sitting here looking at me. I look at them and all I can think is that they deserved better. And no, Jeremy hasn't hit me but... The love isn't there. He tries but I think the twins know that he doesn't want them. I think they know a hellva lot more then I could guess.

I miss you ever damn day. This is never going to get better. I know it won't. This hole in my heart is just going to get bigger and bigger. I want you with me. I love you.

Eric read the letter again. He then looked at the manuscript. He grabbed it and flipped it open. He had a feeling that he wouldn't be sleeping in the near future.


Sawyer leaned against the counter and closed her eyes. She could hear Ardith and Aleryck in the living room as they bounced in their swings laughing. She was glad that they were happy. She just wished that she could be happy as well. Six months had gone passed and she was still hurting over leaving Eric. She tried every day when she woke up not to think about him. And every day she lost that battle thinking about him at least a hundred times. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought about everything that her and Eric had planned together. None of those things were going to happen now. She was here in New York as far away as she could stand to get from her former lover and still she couldn't let go.

She looked down at the ring Eric had given her. She now wore it on her right hand but the ache to put it on her left hand where it belonged, was too much. She twisted it around and around and closed her eyes remembering the night he had given it to her. The look in his eyes had been so unlike Eric; she had known right away how unlike him it was to pledge himself to her. She then remembered getting him the plain white gold band and how he had worn it with pride. She wiped away her tears and tried to not think about how much she missed him or needed him. The phone rang and she was thankful for the distraction.

"Hello," she said softly.

"I loved it. The rewrites are perfect," her editor, Emily said.

"Thank you, Emily it was only emotional torture to go though the manuscript and do them."

"Come on, Sawyer, don't be dramatic."

"I'm not being dramatic. Emily, you don't... Nevermind."

"Sawyer, are you okay? Usually you are happy when the book is finished and ready to go into publication."

"I guess to me this isn't just a book it's... It's my life. Or it was six months ago."

"What?"

"Godric is a real person. I changed his name for the book but I really was in love with a vampire. But I swear to God, Emily if you tell another soul, I will kill you in your sleep."

Sawyer turned and watched her children in the living room as she waited for Emily to say something. She knew that she had probably shocked the little bookworm. She closed her eyes and thought about the book that would be published. She knew that everyone in Bon Temps would read it; hell she knew that Eric would read it. She opened her eyes and wondered what the fallout would be when everyone figured out that Godric was Eric. She smiled to think of Pam's reaction. God, she missed Pam and her smartass remarks and come ons.

"You mean you actually had sex with a vampire?" Emily finally asked.

"I did several times in fact. And I even let him hold my children and watch over them... Alone," Sawyer mocked rolling her eyes.

"They are dangerous, Sawyer."

"Only to those who harm them. The ones I knew... They weren't dangerous."

"I just can't believe you actually hung out with vampires and walked away alive."

Sawyer closed her eyes and let silent tears fall. She hadn't wanted to walk away. She had wanted to spend every night with Eric. She had had every intention of marrying him. It was what she had wanted more than anything else. And now because of an ego trip of a stupid so called queen she was apart from the only person who had ever understood her. She opened her eyes and wiped away her tears. There was no use standing there and crying about her past and what couldn't be changed. She smiled when Ardith turned and looked at her and waved. She waved back and knew she had to try and live in the now. She would never stop missing Eric or wanting him but she just couldn't live in the past anymore. She needed to focus on her children and the present.

"Yeah, well you know me, Emily. I got to try everything at least once," Sawyer said.

"Yeah, but that?"

"Don't knock it until you try it."

"Sure, I'll just take your word for it. Anyway, I just called to let you know that the book is going into publication right away. I can't wait to get it onto the shelves."

"Alright, thanks for letting me know."

"Anytime. Now, I am going to hang up and I really hope that you start working on the next one."

"I'll see what I can do."

Sawyer hung up then walked into the living room. She grabbed her laptop from the desk and sat on the floor placing her laptop on the coffee table in front of her. She accepted the messy kiss that Aleryck wanted to place on her cheek. She opened the laptop and waited for it to load up. The only story she had in her head at the moment was Eric's story. She remembered everything that he had told her. She clicked on the word document and opened the file she had started. She had started to write the story of Eric and had stopped not thinking that she would be able to continue. She knew now that she needed to finish it. She took a deep breath and started typing.

I remember the first time he told me about his human life. We had been laying in bed together after making love and it was a few hours until the sun would rise. He held me close to him and I felt at home. He then turned and looked at me and I looked into his pale eyes and fell in love all over again.

"I was in line to be king after my father," he whispered looking at me.

"You mean you were a prince?" I asked shocked. I was laying in bed with royalty.

"I guess that is what you would call it now. I didn't want to take on the responsibility and rule after my father. He tried... He tried so many times to teach me how to lead and I just walked away. I would rather spend time in a pile of hay with the local serving girl instead of listen to him."

I just laid there surrounded by him and his scent looking at him and trying to see him as that man he was telling me about. It was hard because to me he just screamed authority. I had watched him in the club and with one look from him he had four people scurrying around trying to get what he wanted. I reached out and stroked his cheek trying to erase the frown that had formed on his beautiful features. I loved the man he had become and I wanted him to know that no matter what he told me I would never run away from him. He had me forever.

"Godric, I am here with you. Tell me more," I whispered sitting up and letting the sheet slip from my body as I leaned in and kissed him.

"I do not want to scare you away."

"You never could. I am here with you forever. You know that."

"Mercy, I have lived over a thousand years, there is a lot to tell."

"Take your time."

And he did. It took him many nights, but he told me his full story. Sometimes we laughed, sometimes we cried but though it all I sat beside him and listened as he told me his adventures, some of them more like misadventures but I was glad to hear all of them. And now I am going to share them with you. I hope that by reading Godric's story you will realize that vampires are not evil. They are like us. Are they immortal, yes but by being immortal it just means that they will lose those people they love more then we could ever imagine. As the years past, Godric lost many people he had called friends who were human and after a while he... He started to close himself off from humanity. This is his story, one thousand years in the making.

Sawyer stopped and wiped the tears that continued to fall. She reread what she had written and thought about what she was doing. She was writing Eric's story. A story that millions would read but he had only meant for her to know. She saved what she had written and then sat there and stared at it. She knew that Eric probably wouldn't like the fact that she was telling everyone his story but she needed to. She needed to get it, get him out of her system. She closed her laptop and looked at her twins. They were looking at her their blue eyes sparkling at her. She got up and took them out of their swings and sat on the floor holding them in her lap. She kissed them each on the head and let more tears fall.

"You know, the man who I wanted to be your daddy, he was so kind and loving. It's true that he never showed that side of himself to many people but he showed it to us. You will never remember, but the first time he held you, he cried," Sawyer whispered wishing she could do more than just talk about Eric to her children. She wanted Eric beside her but knew that that was never going to happen. She sat there telling her children about the man she still thought of as their father and wondered if the pain would ever stop.