Hello. Thanks for coming, er...reading. -; Anyway, I hope you enjoy it, it is my first completed fanfic, so I hope it is alright. Also, I hope you guys don't mind reviewing two. Thanks.

Disclaimer: I don't own this -sadly- though I REALLY wish I did.

Warnings; No lemon or anything. It's just a little sad.

Tonight I Wanna Cry
By:
Rakki-gesakusha

Even here. Even in my own home HE follows me. The stray thought set the bottle that should already have been consumed to the thin lips that had, only a few weeks early been holding so much joy. Joy that he had so easily brought to me. A smile was all he had needed. Without even realizing it, the bright crimson colored eyes, holding only anger mere seconds ago had faded to an almost...loving expression. Kurama...The thought brought both feelings of desire and love as well as a bitter and hot anger back to me. Why had he done that! That was the simple question; Why? Everything that had ever plagued me had been Why and even now the gods, the devil, whoever it was that I begged to show me the answer refused me, even laughing and bringing about more questions of Why.

It was truly a scary revelation, and one that I had had no wish to learn, and that had been forced upon me in the most cruel of all manners. Along with that, another revelation had plagued me upon the same time, just burning deeper into my brain the truth of the matter that I had so diligently refused to see. They Lie. Everyone does it, and no one EVER means what they say. "I love you." Simply means I will love you until someone better comes along. "I need you." Means, I need you to make my lust satated and to be willing to stick around until someone else comes along. "I want you" means that I want you as long as no one better comes along to want.

No actual pictures adorn the walls of my abode. It isn't needed. I simply need the memories of what has happened. That is all. They follow me even into the privatest of place. Get to me even in my darkest of moods, and break me apart. Strong. I tell myself. Be STRONG. But how do you be strong when your very foundation is ripped from beneath your feet? When your entire life flashes before your eyes and is gone in a heartbeat. Kurama had shown me what I had wanted in life, that I was something more then the ruthless killing machine that I had been made out to be. He had even taught me something that I had thought was beyond the grasp of my fingers-Love. That four letter word which you allow to happen. To manifest beginning with a small crush and grow until it consumes your entire body and you become a nonsense babbling, fluttering fool with nothing better to do then to follow whomever has captured your affections so and rendered you impossible to change the course of your actions and the words that tumbled so freely from your mouth around said person again.

I once again brought the drink to my lips, downing the rest of the amber liquid in a quick swig that was slowly beginning to help me lose sense of the conscious world and forget the pain that was building behind the wall I had built around my so called heart. I had walled off my heart to protect myself from the pain that people so easily brought to this world, but you somehow managed to wriggle through the cracks. The cracks that I had unbiddenly left open to one such as yourself. Cracks that-had I known they were there-surely would have been packed away beneath the layer of cold and uncaring that had rendered all other helpless to enter, to gain a place in my soul, to be one that I relied on wholly and who I believed would not leave only damage and destruction behind in the place I had fought so hard to protect.

I believed it had been you. I was wrong. The destruction that you have left inside of me was long and will not heal easily nor quickly if it ever does. I am reaching the point where I fully believe that it won't happen at all. The visions of what could maybe have been. Of what you had told me you had wanted fills my brain and slowly eats me up, tearing me piece from piece until I am but a simple man, drinking away my troubles with bottle after bottle of sake. The stuff is ningen, but about twice as powerful as any demon thing I could get my hands on, and within moments I am nearly past the point of "heavily drunk." I am positively drunk, and not even the swirling fog that has come to be my mind has changed my thoughts. I am still very aware of my "Kurama dreams." As I have come to call them for dreams they are, were, and forever will be.

Why, Kurama, why did you walk away? My eyes burn with anger or something that I've never really felt before-tears. I hate you and even so I love you still. This isn't fair. I can't believe you've done this to me!

/Alone in this house again tonight
I got the TV on, the sound turned down and a bottle of wine
There's pictures of you and I on the walls around me
The way that it was and could have been surrounds me
I'll never get over you walkin' away/

The pain and drunkenness of my body caused an unwanted reaction. A dry sob slipped from between my lips. No...I've never cried before, or even let my pain show but this...this was TO MUCH. I had thought...or perhaps Hadn't Thought would be the better terminology for it well either way, I had believed that you had cared. Perhaps I had been blinded by my own foolish desires of wanting SOMEONE to care for me that I hadn't thought of what TRULY was your beliefs? That thought alone caused massive heartache. Another dry sob left my pale lips, and I couldn't help it.

"K'rama you b'stard! This is yur fault!" The slurred words rang into the empty stillness, disrupting nothing and yet they seemed to linger. They hung suspended by the silence that closed in about me, threatening to eat my very soul. To crush the very air from my lungs until I remained no more except as a mere shell. A hollow container of my once full self that had longed for the ability to prove my worth to those whom had believed I was worth nothing. I new the thought was foolish, that it wouldn't happen, that they would never believe it at all until the moment my sword stroke landed in their flesh, creating a cut and ruby blood oozed out, causing them to inhale wildly with their eyes wide.

The thought brought a brief sadistic smile to my face. Oh, what I would do to you Kurama if only I had the guts. But who am I kidding? I have neither the guts nor truly the will to harm you in any bodily way. You have become as untouchable as my sister, and this alone will protect you from whatever I wish to do to you at the moment. I could never go through with it, the same way that I could never harm my sister for a single thing that she says. It simply wouldn't be allowed.

The smile-however sadistic-melted from my face as images of you and the elation I had felt being wrapped up securely inside of your arms slid into my brain. For the first time in my entire life, I felt my knees being pulled against my chest as if I was being moved by a force other then my own. Without another thought, I felt the pent-up water behind my eyes slowly begin leaking out of my eyes, streaking down my face. Shame filled me so quickly, that I could do naught but bury my face inside the protective covering of my pants and shield my face from the world that had cut me down so many times.

I AM WEAK. The words hit me like a tidal wave, and I knew them to be true. I knew what strong was. Strong was the ability to control myself at all times. Strong was the wish to never let anyone else see me as I truly was, a fool who had been hurt to many times. But as the tears began to fall, I knew this was what I wanted. No, what I had needed. I buried my face against my pants and allowed my tears to fall.

/I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just strong enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight i wanna cry/

As I cried, I remembered...there was the letter. Perhaps some sign that Kurama had been about to do this would be written on there. As quickly as I could I searched through the fabric of my cloak and found what I was looking for. A slightly worn piece of faded notebook paper was pulled free, torn off from one of notebooks for Kurama's school work. Unfolding it, and flattening it out, I read;

Hiei,

My love, it's only been a few days since we have spoken. Not even a full two days, and already I miss you terribly. I want to see you again, to have you sleep besides me once more. I love holding you in my arms, to feel your soft breathing. It brings true happiness to my dreams at night and I long to stroke your beautiful flawless skin.

You probably think I am being horribly cliched, but it is true, I miss you terribly. I bet you've already wadded this up, but I want you to know how much I truly feel for you. I love you so much my Koishii and I want you to believe me...-

The rest of the letter became unrecognizable for the tears that flooded my eyes causing me to stop reading it. He acted as if he really loved me. As if nothing like this had really entered his mind. Wiping my eyes carefully, I sat up and looked to the rest of the letter. I WOULD finish reading this if it was the last thing I'd do.

...I probably shouldn't have wasted so much time writing to you, but I miss you terribly, and writing to you helps me deal with it. You told me you'd be back soon, and I am relieved that tomorrow you should be here before I get back home. That thought alone is enough to brighten even my most awful of moods.

Well, since you have probably decided that this is pointless to read, I shall wrap it up. I just want to say I love you once more.

Love Always,

Kurama

Not one sign. Not a single one that you had even thought of doing such a thing to me. Closing my eyes I took a few deep breaths trying to calm myself, but to no avail. I simply wouldn't find peace this night. Closing my eyes, I allowed the tears to just continue falling. It felt good, as if I was going to be a little bit better off by this.

It wasn't going to be working, however. I wanted to hide away. From everything. Even now, the only thing that lightened my small area was a single candle, flickering back and forth, barely bright enough to allow me to read said letter. Picking up the letter, I held it just above the candle, about to let it burn, watching as the corner near your name slowly began to turn black. But I couldn't do it, I tugged it back from the offending fire, and clutched it to my chest right above my heart. I can't believe this has happened, but I was going to be all right. I hoped so atleast. Everyone said that this would get better, but it would be hard and a long journey. I truly hoped that it was true.

/Would it help if i turned a sad song on
"All By Myself" would sure hit me hard now that you're gone
Or maybe unfold some old yellow lost love letters
It's gonna hurt bad before it gets better
But I'll never get over you by hidin' this way/

I blew the candle out, no longer wishing to be seen in the illumination of such a thing. I closed my eyes for a brief moment, allowing for my breathing to even out somewhat. I took a few deep breaths, wiping the trails on my cheeks. They were still wet, and it amazed me that they had actually come from my eyes. Never before had I cried like this. Hell, I'd never cried at all. But this was just so...painful. That was the only word to describe his treatment. His...leaving me.

Crying like that had made me feel inexplicably weak. Like I had allowed myself to be open to the world and now everyone would see the real me that had been hidden for so long. I hated the thought. That I would be so open as this that I would be so...weak. I was comforted only by the fact that after finding out about this, KoEnma had released me from the missions. I was FREE. Free from Kurama and free from anyone else that might ask for an explanation.

Without even looking in a mirror-of which there was a short supply in my home- I could tell that I looked like nothing better then shit. My eyes felt raw and puffy. They were most likely red. My head pounded against my skull as if I had just been whacked about the head a multiple number of times. I managed to struggle to my feet, hands gripping my head as I was sure I could literally feel my brain pulsing against my skull.

Somehow, I had managed to pull myself to my feet, making my way toward the room that had served as my bedroom while I was here. My sadness combined with the drunkenness of my body caused me to be unable to walk very straight, but I somehow managed to get myself to my room and collapsed upon the bed. With the last bit of my strength, I pulled my exhausted body to the pillows crowning the top of my bed. With an exhausted sigh I closed my eyes taking a few deep breaths as I allowed exhaustion to sweep over me.

When I reopened my eyes, I could nearly have died for there on the side table was a picture of us. I hadn't known-at the time-that you had taken it. You were smiling slightly, somehow managing to do that and kiss me at the same time. Yusuke had jumped out, taking the picture, and I was blushing horribly trying to stop you from taking this picture. A small smile slipped over my features as I remembered the time. Taking the picture from the side table, I pulled it against my chest, cradling it against me as well as Kurama's picture and that was how I slept for the rest of the night until tomorrow.

/I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just strong enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight i wanna cry

I've never been the kind to ever let my feelings show
And I thought that bein' strong meant never losin' your self control
But I'm just strong enough to let go of my pain
To Hell with my pride let it fall like rain
From my eyes
Tonight i wanna cry/

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Thanks for reading, and I hope against the you review. I know it was short, so...if I get enough reviews, I might add a second chapter.