How to Become a Phantom in Less than 10 Minutes

A Phantom of the Opera Parody

"Get the mail."

Raoul groaned, he hated living by Christine's every order! Ever since she tripped on that wretched ice cube and fell down two steps, it was Raoul this, and Raoul that.

So without a mumble of protest, Raoul headed for the door to retrieve the mail. It was stacked up even higher than yesterday, Raoul noted to himself. He sat down in the nearest chair and began to skim through the mail.

"Bill, bill… junk," He skimmed and soon found something which puzzled him, "MUFFIN TOP?"

"Yes dearest?" Christine rolled her eyes at Raoul's abrupt shouting. "Do you know an 'Erik Destler'? We seemed to have gotten one of his water bills…"

"Not the slightest clue, dearest." Christine shoved another spoon of strawberry ice cream into her mouth. "At least it's not that Rossum chick again." She quivered.

Raoul continued skimming through the mail when he came to a package. "OH MAN! I hope it's the new Rachael Ray video!" He eagerly began tearing at the brown paper holding the package together.

How to become a Phantom in Less than 10 minutes…
Starring your happy floating, see through and blue friend, Joseph Buquet!

"What the hell?" Raoul's eyes widened examining the tape. "PUMPKIN!"

Christine slapped her forehead, midway in signing her own ankle cast. Shouting again? She sighed. What happened to the cutie Raoul she married two months ago? "What now, Raoul?"

"I'm going upstairs for a while…"

"Another Rachael Ray marathon? Is she going to cook those tacos again?"

"No…"

"Oh. Well have fun."

Raoul smiled to himself. Maybe with this little 'Phantom' video, he could get the beautiful, less-whiney Christine back to him. He hurried up the stairs, skipping along the way. When reaching the guest room, he sat on his favorite squishy sofa he got as a wedding gift from Andre and Firmin, or Richard and Moncharmin… whatever the hell they preferred to be called.

He opened the DVD box easily, being that the edges weren't sealed with those sticky thief-proof things like they are on the POTO 2 Disk Widescreen Edition. Which, in fact, Raoul gave up opening in the process.

Christine was pissed.

Raoul put the DVD into the player, and pressed Play Movie on the screen. It went black and then to a shot of one of his favorite childhood Christmas puppet characters.

"Oh Santa, I knew I could lead your sleigh in no time!" Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer said.

Santa replied, "I'm going to go bury myself in a deep fryer --"

The screen fizzed up and then went to a shot of a cardboard piece, written on with purple crayon: How to become a Phantom in 10 Minutes, Produced by Joseph Buquet and Nadir Khan. The piece of carboard was flipped over. A BK production.

Raoul clapped his hands together in glee. "Burger King!"

The screen went black for less than a second and then to a shot of a blue, see through man who Raoul clearly noted as the man on the box. Oh, and he was the dude that the Phantom hung during Il Muto.

"Hello, my name is Joseph Buquet and I'm not dead!" An automated clapping sound came from behind the man, echoing throughout Christine's old dressing room. After the clapping faded out, a "YEAH RIGHT" was heard from another corner and Buquet groaned, changing the subject. "Please, call me B-Quet."

"Now, I bet you are all here to become a Phantom."

"YES I AM!" Raoul shouted back at the TV, clutching onto the DVD box.

"That is something I can do for you! This will be your first step on your way to Phantomy-Goodness! We will first begin our journey tracking down a real Phantom, and then we will use our knowledge from him to spread onto you. I call it, the Phenut Butler Effect."

"What's the Butler for?" Nadir asked, shaking the camera he was holding. "That wasn't in the script!"

"I don't know, it just sounds hot."

"I prefer the Crawford."

Buquet pulled his collar with one ghostly finger and cleared his throat. "Cut."