Author's note: all the usual disclaimers apply. For those of you who forget to silence their mobiles when they go to bed... Leonie warning: This chapter revolves around the H word.


Barbara Havers woke with a start. She had sacrificed many things in life to be Detective Inspector Lynley's sergeant but at 5 am she did not think sleep should have to be one of them. Her phone had been chiming incessantly for the last five minutes; all texts from her boss and none of them urgent. She had jokingly set up a personal ringtone for Tommy - a sonorous temple bell that reminded her of his baritone call of 'Havers!'. She had dreamt she was taking part in a Buddhist ceremony and woke only when it changed into the sacrificial rite of an ancient tribe where she was about to be fed into a fire.

Stop. It's 5am. Only text if someone dies. She hoped that might be polite but firm. She did not add the 'or you will' that she wanted to threaten.

She closed her eyes and the temple bell went again. Sorry, couldn't sleep.

She cursed her boss then silenced her phone and rolled over. For five minutes she tried to sleep but had to get up to go to the bathroom. She felt guilty about silencing the phone so turned it back on then tried to sleep again. What was the date? Barbara groaned wondering how she could forget it was was a year today since Helen had been killed. Of course her boss would be looking for distractions to stop thinking about the loss of his wife.

She showered quickly as she contemplated what to do. He had been quiet all week; not sullen exactly but certainly more reflective and grumpy than normal. She worried now that he had been up all night drinking. That was never good. He was prone to dependency issues but would never admit it. They had no case at the moment either to provide a distraction. A good murder would be handy today.

Tommy had been awake most of the night, not reliving the horror of watching his wife accidentally shot in front of him and the feelings of guilt and helpless that had followed but thinking about his future. He had wisely paced his drinking but did not feel as melancholy as he thought he should. As Lord Asherton an interval of twelve months would be acceptable for him to now start seriously courting someone and another few months and it would be almost expected that he remarry. His reputation had been seriously damaged by his brief and unfortunately tragic liaison with Julia Oborne and he would be off limits to many of the women of polite society. He was happy for that because the only person he wanted was his inexplicably loyal but frustratingly unpredictable sergeant.

He ran his hand through his hair as he debated how to approach her. She was the only person who had ever accepted him for all his strengths and faults and supported him even when he was wrong. She had even helped him after Julia had died and persuaded others to also risk their careers for him because she believed in him. He could never really understand why but they had a connection, one he could not name, but it was elastic and unbreakable.

For many years he had dismissed his feelings for her, trying to think of her as a sister. He had known since the moment Barbara had been shot that his love for her was much more personal but he had been married, even if Helen had left him, and he could never betray either of them. He knew he was a coward too. Life with Barbara would be complicated, even volatile, and he had not had the courage to face all the consequences.

Even so he had started to hint at his feelings but then he had been suspended and Helen had returned with the promise that life could be stable. He had seized it but he had seen that fleeting look of disappointment in Barbara's eyes when he had told her. He had been cruel and spineless doing it the way he had. He should have explained but there was no satisfactory explanation other than it made his life easier and everyone would approve. He was ashamed of himself and even more remorseful of the way he had readily joined Helen's mocking of Barbara. He should have stood up for the woman who never let him down.

When Helen had returned to his life and his bed Barbara had soldiered on the only way she knew how. She had never said a bad word about Helen but he knew she did not respect her. Barbara would never understand their history when Helen had been young and carefree and a wonderful friend to him. Rhys had changed her. She had never recovered from that relationship and Tommy could never match him. Every time he slept with Helen he knew he disappointed her. The fire and passion she had felt for Rhys could not be replicated in their friendship. He had tried and when she returned he could tell she had had other lovers. He had remained faithful, unable to follow through with Christine and too scared to approach Barbara. He fretted that Helen had not had the same hesitation but she had come back to him and at the time that mattered far more.

Yet throughout all his troubles and despite his treatment of her, Barbara had loyally supported him. She actually took the time to listen to him and reassure him. She had even tried desperately to save Helen when she was shot and had found him on the day of the funeral to let him know people cared. Time and time again she had shown she valued him and their friendship yet he had thanked her by wallowing in his guilty misery and pushing her away. They had become close again after he returned to work but he knew it would be a huge leap of faith for her to ever trust him with her heart.

He had sent her the texts hoping she had been awake but when she had told him to stop he was mildly annoyed. He knew he was being totally unreasonable but he expected her to be there when he needed her. He showered and prepared for work. He would go in early to fill his mind with something other than his own issues. He was just about to grab his coat when his bell rang.

"Hiya, I bought coffee. Strong coffee." Barbara was standing on his doorstep with two cups from his favourite cafe.

He grinned foolishly. She had understood after all. "Just what I need."

They chatted about nothing as they drank the coffee in his kitchen. The weather, Winston's latest girlfriend, and Lafferty's jokes were all the inconsequential things they covered as both skirted around the elephant that was expanding and crowding them out of the room.

"Should we make an early start?" he suggested.

"Yeah, may as well."

Barbara did not let him out of her sight all day. She found excuses to be in his office or in his car when they decided to go and remeasure the route the murderer of the strangled Richmond housekeeper had taken. Companionable silence squeezed next to the elephant that had followed all day. She had waited for him to mention Helen, if he wanted to do so, but he had avoided any discussion likely to lead that way. On the way back from Richmond they decided to end the day early and go for a drink at the pub.

"Would you mind if I went to the cemetery first? It's on the way."

"No, of course not." Barbara was surprised but sensed that he would need support tonight. His facade was beginning to weaken.

When they arrived Tommy parked near the grave. Barbara stayed in the car. She was giving him space and privacy. "I won't be long," he assured her.

"Take as long as you need Sir."

Helen's grave was somewhere behind a majestic old oak tree. He had only visited once before when the stone had been dedicated. He saw little point in regular visits. Helen was not there, even in spirit. He was not even sure why he had decided to come today. He wandered across the grass trying to find the grave but not wanting Barbara to know he had only the vaguest idea where it was located. Many of the graves had sagged into the ground making his journey perilous. He finally found Helen's headstone behind a small mound. Her grave was too fresh to have sunk but a year on the uncompromising London climate meant the black polished granite had started to lose its gloss and the gold letters had darkened. There was a sadness to the impermanence. He glanced around at the flowers on nearby graves. He had not brought any for Helen as he considered them a waste. Now he was here he felt guilty about being stingy. He stood silently for a long time feeling he should say something; anything. "Hi. It's me."

Barbara watched him meander across the neatly trimmed lawn. He looked totally bewildered like a a lost little boy. She should have done more when he had locked himself away for those months. As she watched him she imagined him alone looking deeper into a bottle for peace and forgiveness. It would have been better to bring it to a head than to let him fester. She had been wrong leaving him alone. She was an introvert who could think things through but her boss needed to talk and have someone genuinely listen to him without judgement or advice. Helen had once been his confidante but as his lover that had been lost and Tommy felt friendless. She wished she had pushed herself forward so that he would have known he had her.

She wanted to go to him now and offer support but again she convinced herself he needed his privacy. Her phone buzzed and Barbara groaned at its timing. The murder she had hoped for this morning had finally occurred. At least it was not a shooting but someone pushed down a lift well would have its own brutality. Barbara walked quietly up the small hill to the tree. She paused, not wanting to intrude on his private moment.

"...me. I don't really know why I came Helen. I don't believe you can hear me but I...well I need closure as you psychologists like to say. I've behaved badly since you were...shot. I drank far too much and made a complete idiot of myself. The Wintergreens and that set won't talk to my family now because I slept with Julia Oborne. Yes, little Julia. Barbara told me it was not my finest moment and that was an understatement."

Barbara had started to move towards him but halted at mention of her name. "Actually Barbara is why I'm here. When you died I mourned the loss of you as a friend not as my wife. I told Barbara once I wasn't sure if I was ever in love with you. Well I wasn't but you knew that. Just as you weren't in love with me. They say you need to be friends with your lover but you also have to be in love. We had no spark Helen; no passion. I didn't like the way Rhys had stolen my friend and his history with women was appalling. I didn't want that life for you but I couldn't offer the type of love you needed but I thought it'd be enough. It never was though was it? I could never give you all of me because...well you knew how I felt about Barbara before I did. I should never have taken you back but we had our reasons and we both wanted it to change, for us to find that special attraction like you had with Rhys and like I feel for Barbara."

Barbara was confused but moved back to the tree so he would not see her. Her breathing was shallow and raspy. She could not believe her ears as he went on. "I wanted to tell you first Helen, not exactly to get your blessing but just to admit it to someone other than myself. I know you accused me of having an affair but we weren't. I've never even kissed her, even now, although I've wanted to so many, many times. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with Barbara...really in love, and I want to start seeing her. I know it will be a bit of a rollercoaster ride but she is the only person who has ever made me feel...I can't find the right word. She makes me feel loved, unconditionally. Regardless of how badly I stuff up, she's always there for me in a way you never could be. I feel the same. I want to protect her and spoil her and share everything with her. You can mock her for her taste in coffee cups or enjoyment of caravans but she's genuine and honest and when I'm with her I feel I am me; not Lord Asherton or DI Lynley but Tommy. She told me once I was just being human. She understands me. She makes me feel normal and unashamed of my feelings or my irrationalities. We're a good balance for each other Helen. I just thought you should know that I intend to marry her."

Had her ears betrayed her? Barbara sagged against the tree for support. Her mind raced. It would be awkward to be caught so she crept back to the car. She leant against it. That would look normal enough. If she trusted her legs she could go over to him with the message when he came back but could she trust her arms not to throw themselves around him or her lips not to devour him? She was about to find out. He was heading back towards her with a contented smile.