FINAL FANTASY XII-WTF EDITION

Disclaimer-I don't own the Final Fantasy games or the characters portrayed in this story, and it's not for profit.

This is what's known as a crackfic. This is what happens when you get tired of writing all prim and proper, and keeping to the character's personalities all the time. Rated M for mature!!! Little kids stay very far away!!! Avert thine virgin eyes!!!

Seriously, though.

This dude named Reks is still a noob, so he gets killed on a mission by some ugly ass wannabe Basche with an ugly ass mole on his face, which is distracting, which probably killd Reks the nub just by looking at it OLOLOLOLOLOL

Anyway, so fastforward like two years later, and we're in the dumb town of RabanASStur(d) , the dumb ass town filled with fat ass lizard/dog things and freakin kids running everywhere, which are little boys, so it would be michal jackson's paradise probably.

Vaan is reks's younger bro, and is all pouty about him dying, so he decides to make something productive of his life and go steal from the castle or city hall or some shit.

After banging som bangaa hookers for a few hundred gil, vaan gets a magical bar of damn soap or some shit, and this attracts the attention of the world's only surviving heir to the hugh heffner mansion, balthier, and his favorite bunny hore, fran. they want the sparkly soap bar, but they run into the FREAKIN GHOST OF A DEAD QUEEN OR PRINCESS OR SOME SHIT, and they all run the hell outta there, and are getting pursued and chased, but fran the bunny hore pulls a magic carrot outta her ass and wishes them outta there.

The princess ghost wants to rerule the dumbass fatass country of dalmasca again, so they have to prove her heritage by GOING TO GET ANOTHER, MORE SPARKLY DAMN SOAP BAR!!! Ashe is too much of a dumass to realize she could sleep with vayne for the title(vayne is the world's best fabio impersonator) who's also taking over the dumbass fatass country of rabanastre (which has a thriving gay rave scene at night, and vaan's the co-founder.

they go across the ogre-yensa sandsea, and basch falls in, (who secretly joined them cuz hes a ninja olololol) and he cries to his mommy, and once he gets back out, balthier kicks him in the balls and he goes back in the sand (balthier is a giant bastard) and basch inhales sand and dies of sand poisoning (but comes back to life cuz gaara of the sand rapes his sandy corpse).

they go inside this old sand bastard's tomb and steal his piece of shit soap bar, and they haul ass back to fatass rabanastre. they find out they gotta go to a magical unicorn mountain. so off they go, but first everyone has a giant orgy covered in peanut butter for good luck, and it restores their MP. Except for Vaan, because hes gay, so he's having quiet time with Larsa behind a bush, who might or might not be a girl...

once they git to the snowy ass mountain of magic, they go and talk to an even older bastard who talks into theirminds, and masturbates in his mind in front of them. for ashe to be the ruler of fatassdalmasca shes gotta have the ugliest sword in all of vanadiel, i meant ivalice. it's a fuckin five or six pointed bitch sword! they find it at a shrine to a legendary whore called matesus, and they rape her mermaid ass, so she joins them.

they drag their lazy asses all around ivalice killing people and finding more sparkly shit while the judges are having an enormous orgy in their palace with all their armor on. and vayne is recording it all for youtube while eating tacos.

they talk to some magic ass mist thats a god or some shit, and they drop his ass like a hot potato, then cid gets dropped like a mofo, then they go face vayne whos become a transformer from all of the damn power, and he turns into mashed potatoes, and they pee on his corpse and then vaan ejaculates all over everyone and everything.

THE END