Turtle soup and true confessions 1/7
Disclaimer:- Don't own them just borrowing!
Episode:- None
Pairing:- Nicola/Ollie (hints throughout but no real shipping action till the last chapter!)
Rating:- M
Achieve:- http(:/) . /group/rebeccafrontlewisffarchive/
Summary:- If channel 4 weren't careful rather than a fun cookery show they may have their first ever snuff show when they killed each other leaving no one to win on the last day and nothing but a pile of bodies to fill the closing credits.
Author's Note:- Written for Gee's "Come dine with me" challenge where a character/characters have to take part in "come dine with me". Usual rating warnings apply I'm not going into them all if it's a TTOI fic and it's written by me you know the warnings backwards language, sexual content .etc! Enjoy and reviews would be lovely!
"Right everyone into the conference room and don't fuckin argue I have something to tell you all and that goes for you too Glen even fuck wits are involved in this!" Malcolm shouted getting out of the lift and storming through the DoSAC office like a foul mouthed whirl wind. "Come on Nicola get off the fuckin phone your brats can look after their fuckin selves for half an hour I've got news and it's fuckin big!"
"It better be fucking big!" Nicola shouted finally making it into the conference room and slamming the door as Ollie, Glen and Teri visibly backed away clearly expecting a full on Nicola/Malcolm row in the offing. "Now the fucking political correspondent for the Times has just cum in his fucking boxers at the thought of what your "big" news might be so I suggest you spit it out and then get back to your office and sit on him and do it fast before it's the front page splash in tomorrow's Times that we….."
"What happened to fuckin warning me when you were going to open your fuckin mouth to a reporter I mean fuck me sideways Nicola what the hell were you doing on the phone to the Times at 8 in the fucking morning I…"
"You organised it and rang me at fucking 11 last night and sprang it on me so…"
"Aye, that's right well I'll call him and tell him if I see the words DoSAC, big and "a source close to the minister….." in his paper any time in the next seven days I'll pull his balls out through his mouth that should shut him up!" Malcolm interrupted the lowering of his tone forcing Ollie to choke back a laugh. Malcolm hated to be stopped mid rant to be reminded he started the shit storm to begin with so much as I would love to watch the mouth Scot continue to try to dig himself out of the hole he heard himself step in.
"What's the fucking announcement Malcolm? None of us is getting any younger and some of us, like Glen, here have less time to waste than others!" He sighed as the other man stared at the sheet of paper in his hand like he'd almost managed to forget why he'd turned up in the first place.
"Yeah ok. Well not to beat around the fuckin bush but the PM has had a call from his friend the director of channel 4 and they want to do a political special of that shitty "Come dine with me" or whatever the fuck it is. He told him no problem and said you four and me would do it." Malcolm explained holding up his hand as they all opened their mouths to object. "Before you start with all the fucking reasons why this is the worst idea since the millennium fuckin dome I'm with you on that but I've had the fuckin argument already and all it got me was another fuckin ulcer and an hour less of my fuckin life so save it!"
"Malcolm this really isn't fucking funny what are you really here for?" Nicola sighed leaning back against the wall with her arms folded over her chest as the others looked at Malcolm as well each clearly praying she was right and the whole idea was some sort of wind up.
"What do you think has happened Nicola? Do I look like Jeremy fuckin Beadle? Do you think I went to bed last night and woke up as the next Noel fuckin Edmonds? Of course it's not funny did you miss the bit about having a fuckin slanging match with the Prime Minister of the country over the fuckin thing? We're doing it and we have no fuckin choice. Not only that but we're going to be on prime time channel 4 every fuckin night for a week which frankly is my idea of fucking hell because it gives you lot way too much scope to show the general public what a shower of village idiots you are and potentially bring down not just the government but the whole fucking country in the process."
"Let me get this straight." Glen said, talking for the first time since they'd all entered the room. "We are expected to do this fucking TV shite, what the hell is it? Why would the PM agree to it and who the fuck does one of us have to screw to make it go away?"
"It's a cookery program, it's not bad actually I record it every evening. Five people go around each other's homes and whoever's house it is that night cooks then the others all score their food whoever has the highest score at the end of the week wins." Teri explained already clearly warming to the idea much more than anyone else in the room.
"What do we win?" Ollie snarled "The right to tell the PM and anyone else who comes up with stupid fucking ideas to go fuck themselves while we get on with the job we're actually here for?"
"Look at these and memorise them and you all better get fuckin practicing because if you think I'm going to eat fuckin shite for a week you've another thing coming. You'll be filmed cooking the meal and serving it so no fuckin cheating trust me I checked that!" Malcolm continued throwing 4 folders on the table. "We start filming next Monday and your First Ollie so make it fuckin good I'm off to see if there's a gas oven in the fuckin building."
"God he's practicing already I might have fucking known it wouldn't matter how much you hated the idea you'd still want to fucking win!" Nicola said with a hollow laugh as Malcolm stopped with his handle on the door and turned to face her.
"I don't give a fuck who wins so long as none of you make a fuckin fool of yourself, I'm looking for a fuckin gas oven to stick my fuckin head in because trust me I'd rather fuckin die than spend every night next week eating shite you lot have cooked." He shouted before going out the door and slamming it behind him.
"It might not be that bad it's a good show and the commentator is hilarious." Teri smiled before grimacing slightly as the others stared at her venomously.
"Do you think that gas oven he's looking for might have room for two people?" Ollie sighed glancing at Nicola as she shrugged before lifting her own information pack off the table and following Malcolm to the door.
"If there was he wouldn't share it with you he's too fucking competitive he'll want to be headlines on his own if he is going to gas himself. What I can tell you is no matter what he says he's going to want to win this so it's our job to make sure he doesn't. Take those files, read them inside out and backward and then go decide what you're cooking, take fucking cookery lessons from you Mother or your granny or Gordon fucking Ramsay if you have to just make sure that next week when we start this fucking nightmare we can all produce one descent three course meal because it doesn't matter which of you fuck up it'll be me the press crucify for it." She snapped waiting for them all to nod before she left the room heading for her own office trying to work out how the hell they were going to get through a whole week of not only working together but socialising together too. Somehow she had a feeling that bad food might be the least of their worries. If channel 4 weren't careful rather than a fun cookery show they may have their first ever snuff show when they killed each other leaving no one to win on the last day and nothing but a pile of bodies to fill the closing credits.
