August 6, 1997
My father is in Azkaban and I found that I was neither happy nor disappointed by that. It doesn't shock me that I felt that way. I do not love my father, exactly, just respect him. More like a business partner I figure. I don't mind, father said that showing love was weak. It made me think. If that's true, then he doesn't really love my mother, just respects her. It makes sense, I figure.
I don't long for the life of love and caring. I never had it so I can't miss it. People are meant to live the certain ways, I figure. I cannot choose to be the way I am, exactly. Sure there are things that I believe people have a choice on, but it's all nonsense to me. Sure Granger didn't choose to be a mudblood, but she has a choice on how she wants to act or actually be. I can't help but think about how it might have been if I didn't have the family I do. That makes it seem as if I have doubt when I don't, none at all. But everyone has curiosity, just because I'm a Malfoy doesn't mean I don't; everyone does. I just wonder if I had been placed somewhere else, hot I might be. Would I be like Potter? That thought just plain sickens me. Potter works in strange ways, hard to guess how he'll be next. But I don't care. And yet I still wonder. My thoughts on that never cease. I will forever be wondering what life would be like if something, just one small thing, had changed. I don't mind. Sometimes I believe I think too much for my own good. I find that sometimes that's a bad thing. Other times it seems better. Now Granger, That's a girl, if you could call her that, that thinks way too much in all situations. It almost seems as if she'd die if she weren't the best at everything. It's bloody annoying. That is something that can change. Maybe is she did, you know, die; the world would be a better place. See, now that brings me back to my original thought. Do I have to be the way I am? Yes, I do. There wouldn't be any other way. I haven't known anything else. I am me, Draco Malfoy, the way I am was meant to be. See I come to this conclusion every time, yet I always keep thinking of it. It plagues my mind, but who bloody cares? As long as I haven't spoken this, I am safe. I'm always safe, so it seems. Though, I don't feel that way. Life is life. I can't change it. Not that I want to change anything about it. Every teenager has thoughts about not wanting the family that they have. I didn't say that I wanted a change, but it doesn't hurt anyone to think.
On another note, school starts in a few weeks. Personally, I don't care. I neither like school nor hate it. I found no reason to hate it, except for the Gryffindors, but it's fun to torture them all the same. How I see it is if there were no Gryffindors, Hogwarts would be so much better.
It never fails; I always find a way to be cruel. It's actually quite fun, but fun is no reason to do something. Self-gain is, according to my father. Though, everything is about personal gain with him. I don't exactly agree with him, but nor do I disagree. I personally believe that a little personal gain mixed with a little fun can actually be quite pleasing. Father would never listen to that, though. He believes he's correct about everything and if he is wrong, he gets all, well, angry. Personally, I believe he is like a very mean version of Granger. If he heard me say that, if would be a night full of pain for me, but he's not here, not at all.
That's a shocking freedom I've never really had. It's a good freedom. Though I still much watch what I do, but at least I don't have that man hounding me about every thing. For I am, a teenager and I do want some freedom to do things.
Lafayette, the cat my father never wanted, seems to be the only thing here that is oblivious to the tension in this house, care free, not afraid to do whatever. The life of a cat seems so much simpler than any other creature on this planet. I sound so childish when I think about this, but they are just thought. It's not as if I want all this.
Pansy actually flooed me the other day. I wish she wouldn't have. She's a bright girl, but when I come home, it's meant for me to get away from school and the people involved in it. She actually believed I was mourning my father's absence. I do not miss him. I do not love him so I cannot miss him. For being so bright, she was rather daft. Anyone should see this. But everyone is entitled to being daft once in a while. She said "Draco stop being tough and admit it!" I had nothing to admit.
It angers me to see that she didn't believe me. But I shouldn't expect much more from her. She believes there is love. I don't. I believe there is physical attraction. Well, err, mental too I figure. O ver heard someone say that liking another was like having a friend, just more so. But I can't help but not believe that. First I don't exactly know if I have friends, so I doubt that concept would work for me. And then there is that whole. Your only love springs from your only hate. If that were true, Oh I hate to think the thought, but fate says that if that were true, I'd like the mudblood or the weasel. Okay I just made myself sick. I need to go wash my mouth out, somehow.
~Draco. A. Malfoy
