Abby stood staring out the darkened window, glistening only from the white
snow falling heavily around. The room surrounding her was reflected in the
dark abyss, but she was staring out past it; staring out at them even
though they had left minutes ago. He looked so happy, so at peace, and Kem
was nice, and Abby was over him, she was totally over him, so why couldn't
she be happy for him? She couldn't love him, and she couldn't put it all
down to the drink, or her past, because it came directly from her, it was
an active decision not to let him get too close, to block him out; he tried
to open her up, heal her with love, and she'd failed him. But seeing him
with someone else today, so perfectly happy, she'd felt betrayed, as though
it was his fault his promises of love and stability had died, been
inherently flawed. She knew it was her, all her own doing, but she began to
trust and once again too late.
And then there's Luka, lovely Luka, who last year was stuck in some sort of trap, she'd lost there too, she didn't let him talk to her, pushed him away, and he had to go chasing ghosts in order to help himself. She'd failed him. She couldn't even help him, when she was the only one who knew his pain.
She'd had them both, they both needed her, loved her, and it was her fault they were no longer around to protect her. And now, when their happier, Carter, family in toe, the family he'd always wanted, and Luka, helping others, smiling again, falling for Sam. She was alone, staring out at the darkened abyss of the ambulance bay, unable to move for tiredness or loneliness, burying herself in work and peoples damaged lifes, forgetting her own.
She hadn't been home for days, she hated it back there, memories of Brian, and the way Luka helped, and Eric and the way Carter helped, and the way she failed them. She didn't listen to them when they needed her, and now when she needs them their a hundred miles away
"Hey" Susan came in, smiling at her pain and fatigue "Just got off?" "Yeah" Abby replied warmly, or as warmly as her cold heart could "You OK?" Susan asked, voice faked with concern "Yeah, just, tired" emotionally, and physically, tired of life "You?" She stuck to niceties, the mask she'd painted as a young child "I'm great, I'll see you later. Go home, get some sleep"
Sleep, yeah that's what she needed, long heavy sleep, but it eluded her. She couldn't get away from herself, she couldn't get away from hating herself. She pulled her blue warm jacket around her, shoving her woolly hat over her blonde hair. She wondered how anyone ever managed to life just through one person, one personality, one trail of thought, especially one as narrow, and as blind as hers. Feeling the snow settling down on her face, she thought about him, and how icy the snow seemed to be now without him. "You look happy" He had said, testimony to how much he really knew her, and that was her fault. She'd had a chance to change, a chance to live life through two people, her and Carter, she'd spoiled it. And it wasn't ever going to come back.
And then there's Luka, lovely Luka, who last year was stuck in some sort of trap, she'd lost there too, she didn't let him talk to her, pushed him away, and he had to go chasing ghosts in order to help himself. She'd failed him. She couldn't even help him, when she was the only one who knew his pain.
She'd had them both, they both needed her, loved her, and it was her fault they were no longer around to protect her. And now, when their happier, Carter, family in toe, the family he'd always wanted, and Luka, helping others, smiling again, falling for Sam. She was alone, staring out at the darkened abyss of the ambulance bay, unable to move for tiredness or loneliness, burying herself in work and peoples damaged lifes, forgetting her own.
She hadn't been home for days, she hated it back there, memories of Brian, and the way Luka helped, and Eric and the way Carter helped, and the way she failed them. She didn't listen to them when they needed her, and now when she needs them their a hundred miles away
"Hey" Susan came in, smiling at her pain and fatigue "Just got off?" "Yeah" Abby replied warmly, or as warmly as her cold heart could "You OK?" Susan asked, voice faked with concern "Yeah, just, tired" emotionally, and physically, tired of life "You?" She stuck to niceties, the mask she'd painted as a young child "I'm great, I'll see you later. Go home, get some sleep"
Sleep, yeah that's what she needed, long heavy sleep, but it eluded her. She couldn't get away from herself, she couldn't get away from hating herself. She pulled her blue warm jacket around her, shoving her woolly hat over her blonde hair. She wondered how anyone ever managed to life just through one person, one personality, one trail of thought, especially one as narrow, and as blind as hers. Feeling the snow settling down on her face, she thought about him, and how icy the snow seemed to be now without him. "You look happy" He had said, testimony to how much he really knew her, and that was her fault. She'd had a chance to change, a chance to live life through two people, her and Carter, she'd spoiled it. And it wasn't ever going to come back.
