A/N: so this is my first fanfiction and i apologize beforehand if it sucks. Two of my friends (who don't even watch CSI: NY) liked it so i'm hoping you will too! :) anyway i wanted to delve into Jo's past a little before getting into any Mac/Jo action so the first two chapters will be her marriage to Russ. okay i'm gonna stop talking now and let you read the story. please read&review. thanks :D

Chapter 1

"RUSS! STOP!" Jo screamed before Russ flung her against the wall. Jo lay strewn across the floor as the mirror crashed down on her and a million shards of glass protruded from her flesh. Blood seeped from her wounds, trailing down her arms and leg like the tears on her face. Jo almost- no she did wish she were paralyzed; wished she were dead so she wouldn't have to feel the pain anymore. She prayed for the darkness to take her like it had so many times before. Unfortunately for her, Russ was adept at keeping her attuned to every blow, every slap, and every scratch he so generously gave her.

Jo had barely opened her eyes when Russ came barreling at her. He tossed aside the frame and yanked Jo up by her collar. Jo could barely apprehend what he was shouting; her ears were drowning in crimson blood. Jo could sense the darkness creeping up on her slowly, agonizingly, as if unconsciousness was taunting her with what she so desperately desired. Russ's fist went flying at her face, sending a shock wave of pain through her jaw. Russ released her from his viper-grip as her body fell to the floor in a spineless pile. He spat on her face and Jo hated herself for almost enjoying the ice cold saliva compared to the warm liquid pouring from every inch of her body.

Russ began to strip and tossed his clothes next to her. "I'm gonna take a shower. I want this mess cleaned up when I come out." He pretended to kick her once again. Jo tried to defend herself but only managed to flinch. Russ's cruel laugh resonated throughout the apartment as he strode into the bedroom.

Jo rolled over and felt a sharp pinch travel up her spine. She held back a yelp as she forced her arm to twist around to yank out a piece of glass that jabbed dangerously at her spine. At the sound of the water running Jo started a countdown in her head. It always took Russ exactly seventeen minutes to take a shower. Then another six minutes to dry off and put on fresh clothes that she had so delicately washed and folded the night before.

Jo shifted away from the glass and gripped her chest, trying to find air. She gathered as much energy as possible before standing. She swayed on her feet but leaned on a chair to keep her balance. Jo slowly leaned over and began picking up each piece of glass. Every time she bent over, she felt a rush of blood run to her head, threatening her consciousness.

Finally, she had collected and discarded every shard of glass. She struggled to slide the mirror frame into the closet. If she was lucky, Russ wouldn't think to look there; if she was really lucky he'd slip in the shower and crack his skull open. Jo crammed the frame into the closet and slid down, the door guiding her to the floor.

How much longer until he comes back? Did he already get out? Please let him be in the shower still…

Jo fought to keep her swollen eyes open to scan the room for anything she had missed. She heard the shower cut off. She felt a wave of panic overrun her body then a sudden shock of energy. The new altitude after jumping up from the floor made her head feel as heavy as a brick wall. She managed to stay up and rushed to the dining area to pick up the fallen chairs.

At the creak of the bathroom door, Jo threw herself against the wall. Her heart was close to beating right out of her chest. Russ strode through the door with only a towel wrapped around his waist. He ran his fingers through his short, spiked hair and turned on the lights in the apartment. Jo flinched at the blinding light. Russ turned the corner out of their room and saw Jo pressed against the wall. He quickly searched the room and showed a nasty frown at Jo.

"I thought I told you to clean this mess up." His vile voice was dripping with anger.

Oh, no. What did I forget? If it wasn't for her sudden want to be dead at the moment, she would have been trembling uncontrollably.

Jo said shakily, "I…I did…" Russ whipped around to face her.

"Liar!" Jo bit her lip and held her hands to her face in defense. Russ bolted over to her and grabbed them down. She turned her face to the side, trying to hold back the tears.

Don't show weakness. She could tell herself this a million and one times and it still wouldn't work.

"Liar!" He shouted again. "What the hell is this?" Russ yelled, holding out her arms. They were covered in scars; some from the chair, some from his nails, and others from the glass. "And this?" Russ continued pulling up Jo's shirt to reveal three large purplish-black bruises around her stomach. Jo tried to loosen his grip on her wrist to pull her blouse down. "Oh, no you don't!" Russ pushed her arms against the wall, holding them with one hand. He used the other to tear down her skirt. Jo knew what was coming next. She prayed to God he beat her before he did it so she wouldn't have to feel it. Jo clinched her teeth, preparing for an even worse blow.

"You're gonna pay for this, Josephine." Russ snarled. She felt disgusted at how he spoke her name. She was disgusted with everything he did, everything he said, even with herself for falling for someone like him. She tried desperately to numb her body but it wasn't working. She felt every tear as he stripped her bare, every forceful hit as he threw her on the bed, and every push as he forced himself into her.

"You like that, don't you?" Russ laughed viciously. Jo screamed in her head, NO, NO, NO, NO! She wished she could say it out loud. Her voice was gone; never to be taken back, Jo feared. Finally her body couldn't take the stress anymore and she was grateful to slip into the darkness.

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Jo awoke the next morning, freezing to death. Her arms were still locked above her head and it hurt like hell to bring them down to her waist. Her bare body was exposed to the cold, dead air of the apartment. Jo turned her head slightly to find Russ's side of the bed empty; she was grateful for that and the fact that her hearing had returned completely. She lay still and listened intently; the shower wasn't on and there was no noise from the kitchen.

Maybe he's gone. I hope he never comes back. Even as she thought it, Jo knew it wouldn't happen. He always came back; always.

Jo breathed in slowly, feeling her rib cage crash down on her with every breath. Finally she was able to rise out of bed. She wrapped the sheet around her and practically crawled to the bathroom. When she stood to turn on the bathroom light, a sudden wave of nausea swam up her throat and Jo fell to the toilet. She vomited until she dry heaved and held her stomach tightly. She could barely breathe without feeling immense pain and vomiting added ten times as much pressure.

When Jo had finally calmed herself, she climbed into the shower. She couldn't stand long enough so she sat on the floor and let the hard, cold drops pound against her back. Jo sat for what seemed an eternity. She turned to shut off the water and stepped out of the shower. She looked into the cabinet mirror, bringing her hand up to her face and touched the small scars around it. The water had cleaned them out fairly well, and they were beginning to heal. She knew she would have to conceal her black eye with makeup. There wasn't a lie in the world she could come up with to explain that. Jo leaned against the sink and let her body air dry.

Once she was dry, she noticed red seeping through her towel. She slowly unraveled it and found a long gash across her stomach. Where the hell did that come from? Jo pulled the first aid kit out from under the sink; it was chalk full of supplies as she needed them frequently. She dabbed up as much blood as she could and rubbed some anti-bacterial cream across the wound. She had to bite a washcloth to keep from yelping. Her lip was already bruised enough and she didn't want to add more teeth marks to it. Jo wrapped bandages around her waist and went to get dressed. She finally agreed on black slacks and a dark blue ruffle top. It was the only thing she could find that didn't put pressure on her torso and wouldn't show if her gash started to bleed through.

Jo was just about to leave when she heard the doorknob jiggle. Her eyes shot open. Russ! Panic ran through her veins as she prepared for another one-sided fight. Russ jogged through the door, his skin plastered with sweat from his morning run. Jo began slowly backing up. She stopped herself realizing she didn't want to be blocked into a corner again. Russ frowned at her exhaustedly. He didn't say a word as he placed his Ipod on the table and began rummaging through the fridge. Jo relaxed only slightly as she began inching towards the door. She was just a foot away when Russ whipped around. "Where the hell are you going?"

Jo was paralyzed with fear. "Um…I have…" A doctor's appointment, but should I tell him that? No, then he'll ask why and…I can't answer that. Jo remembered that Tyler was at their downstairs neighbor's house for the night. "I have to pick up Tyler." Jo inched closer to the door. Russ stared her down and she froze. He nodded his head. "You better not be long." Jo nodded her head, shakily, and then dashed out the door. Once she was out of the building she let out a long, held breath.

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Jo sat in the doctor's office, tapping her foot nervously against the carpeted floor. "Josephson?" A young nurse called from the door. Jo shot up from her seat. She felt dizzy for a moment but brushed it off as she strode into the doctor's office.

"Hi!" The nurse exclaimed as she followed Jo into the small room. "So, we're going to do a blood test first then a urine test, just to be sure. Okay?" The nurse was far too cheery for Jo's liking. She nodded her head. The nurse smiled and said, "I'll be right back then!" She bounced off, happily.

Jo shook her head. How the hell is she so damn happy?

Jo got ready to pull up her left sleeve until she saw all the cuts from the shattered glass. Maybe I should use my other arm. She rolled up her other sleeve and saw half as many scars. Jo hung her head. She knew they would question her and she tried to think up a quick lie before the nurse came back.

"Hi!"

Damn, she's back.

The nurse's eye immediately darted to Jo's arm. She masked her shocked expression with a light smile and Jo was grateful she didn't ask any questions. When the nurse was done she handed Jo a cup and pointed in the direction of the bathroom. "I should be back soon with the blood test results." The nurse said much calmer than before.

Jo came back from the bathroom and impatiently waited in the chair by the window. She didn't want to sit on the bed because her feet couldn't reach the floor. She nervously tapped her foot against the linoleum. Her nervous tick wasn't helping her think. So many thoughts were racing through her mind.

Russ is going to kill me; I've already been gone two hours! What am I supposed to tell him? I have to think of something good before I get home. What if he doesn't believe me? Of course he won't believe me! He's Russ; he doesn't believe anything!

When the nurse came back into the room, Jo remembered her dizziness and slowly rose out of the seat.

The nurse frowned and Jo braced herself. "Um…we took two blood tests; a beta HCG and a qualitative test." The nurse saw the confused look on Jo's face. "The second tests for the presence of the pregnancy hormone and the first tests for the exact level." Jo nodded her head.

"The qualitative test assured that you did have pregnancy hormones but the second-"

"What do you mean 'did'?" Jo ignored the unsteadiness in her voice.

The nurse looked down at the floor. "The beta HCG test revealed very low levels of pregnancy hor-"

"What does that mean?" Jo asked, louder than intended, as she stepped closer to the nurse.

"You were pregnant. You had a miscarriage." The nurse got ready to put her hand on Jo's shoulder but Jo backed away.

Jo could barely breathe now. She felt the walls around her crumble to dust as her chest clinched. She felt her heart beating quicker, trying to escape the pain. Jo clutched at her chest as she felt all the air escape out of her. The nurse moved slowly towards her. "Ma'am, are you okay? Mrs. Josephson?"

The nurse was about to infiltrate Jo's force field and Jo shot up quickly. "I'm fine." Jo held onto her stomach tightly. She quickly strode out of the office and ran to her car. She climbed in the seat and let her tears stream from her eyes. After about ten minutes of crying her eyes out, Jo calmed. She slammed on the accelerator and headed back to the apartment.

A/N: yay! first chapter done! one again please read&review. constructive criticism is greatly appreciated :)