Chapter 1
Love. This word often pondered in my head for such long periods of time. A person can never be certain if they are in love, because there are so many kinds of love and someone can be loved in so many different ways. During those drastic moments down under the opera house where I had to chose between life or death for a person I surely loved in many ways, there would always be that one word that made things go mad with confusion and rage.
If I could only remember one emotion that stayed with me the whole entire time Erik was rowing me back down into the catacombs of the Opera, it had to be fear. Oh, I was so afraid. He had gone mad, mad with love, mad with jealousy, mad for what he had always wanted but could never have. He was screaming, practically crying out as if he were cursing god above. His pained and mighty voice bellowed through the stone walls as he sang his sad tale.
But that isn't all I remember. I remember I wanted to help this man so much that, I had actually made up my mind to stay with him. I didn't want to stay with him, but everything in me told me I had to. He had given me everything he had, and I couldn't just walk away from a man who worships the very ground I walk on. Though I felt my heart was with Raoul, my conscience put it in my head that Erik needed me, and I needed him for a reason I hadn't figured out yet. The two wars in my head had settled as I walked closer to the man who was now in tears. He told Raoul and I only moments ago to go, leave him there before the mob would come. Now here I was returning, just me this time, heartbroken that I pushed Raoul out of my life forever.
At first he didn't see me, but once he did he immediately turned in my direction and was watching my every move. His mask was still off, and his eyes seemed to have drained of the anger and rage; replacing it was a very sad kind of defeat. I just stood there for a while, and glanced down at the ring that was on my finger. Erik too looked down at it and through his sobs I could hear him say, "Christine I love you" with such beauty in his sorrowful voice that I knew he took this as a rejection. It was during this very moment, my mind started to spin.
Raoul's reaction to my rejection was different. He practically grabbed a hold of me and thought I had been brainwashed. He kept shaking me and he kept saying, "He murders Christine! Please don't throw your life away for him! Come Christine, I will take care of you." But I stepped further away from him shaking my head in tears, unable to say anything else besides "No Raoul, I can't come with you, Raoul, I'm staying." His eyes glistened in grief and I could see his heart being broken before my eyes. Such a terrible sight to see the man I loved heartbroken by the fact he had to leave me here with another man and never return. He got in the boat and rowed away from me and soon he would be warding off the mob and their torches. I figured he would tell them that we fled from the opera house and are gone for good, though deep down in my heart I knew they would keep looking for us.
Now Erik stood right in front of me, his head held low and sad adoring eyes watching me, and I slowly showed him the ring that was still on my finger and took his hand in mine. He was taken back by this, being that it was a different reaction than what he expected, and I tried to be as convincing as possible.
"Erik, I…I want to stay with here with you, please-let me stay here-and help you-" and my composure left me as I quickly embraced him as I did before. And I kept repeating "I want to help you, let me help you Erik". It was my last hope to reach out to him, and as I pulled away to look at him, I could see his eyes were filled with worry and disbelief.
"Christine, I…I want you…to be…happy."
I did not know what to say to this. I was such an emotional wreck I had no idea whether I could be happy or not. Nor did I know if anyone or anything could change my state of unhappiness. Despite the tears on my face, I put on a smile and said to him: "My happiness is your happiness. Let us be happy, Erik." And that did it. He was convinced, and he fell into my arms once again holding me so tight it was like if he let me go it would all be a dream.
I tightly closed my eyes dreading what was to come. Living with a man whom I feared, being alone with him, it all circled around my conscience. I felt more like a robot, doing things not because I wanted to or enjoyed to do, but because my morals told me I had to.
My first night with him was somewhat distant, mostly because of the paranoia that there were search parties out to track him down. Many times he had come to me and told me that I could leave if I wanted to, especially if we were found. But as hours went by I was convinced for now the night would be calm. I sat there by his lake, and he was not too far observing me. I knew he must have noticed I was trembling with stress and worry, and as much as I tried to hide it, I couldn't.
I sensed him walking closer to me, and I buried my face behind my knees with my arms wrapped around them. I took in a deep breath and sighed wanting desperately to relax. I felt Erik place his hand gently on mine and I looked up at him. Almost immediately after doing so he placed his hand under my chin, encouraging me to stand up, and so I did. I stood there wondering what his intentions were, and before I could finish the thought, I heard his voice softly but contently singing to me. I closed my eyes, feeling that my ears were the only sane part of me now, and let his beautiful song take me away. If he was trying to calm me down, he was doing a really good job of it. I didn't recognize the song he was singing, so I assumed it was a song he wrote himself. He sang so wonderfully I don't even remember paying any attention to the words. I guess it was just his way of telling me everything was going to be okay and how happy he was now that I had chose to stay with him.
As much as I wanted to keep my distance, I couldn't help but lightly fall into his arms listening to his beautiful singing voice and the way his vibrato trailed off at the end of each note. He slightly rocked me as I closed my eyes and got lost in his music. I wanted to stay there, but I felt my knees becoming weak so I jerked a little and stood up straighter. His arms left me and I turned to him hoping that the look of disheartenment on my face had eased. He simply gave me a kind smile and said that I looked tired and I should try to sleep. I slowly nodded my head and told him not to worry about me.
It was late and I sensed that Erik was still up despite the fact all the lighted candles were now out and darkness filled his entire lair. I figured he wanted to stay up and make sure no one was still looking for us. I lay there for a while, in the boat-like bed he had for me, which wasn't very comfortable nor warm. The blankets smelled like something from an old dusty antique shop, and I tried hard to ignore how cold they felt against me. I don't think I ever thought about how cold it could get down under the opera house, and now that I was actually attempting to sleep down there, I could feel my doubts of getting any sleep at all. I just lay there shivering, wondering if Erik was going to spy on the upper half of the opera house to settle his nervousness. I continued to let my mind drift though my many thoughts, and one of them was actually questioning what my intentions were. The truth was, I had no idea.
I woke up the next morning with blankets wrapped around me like a messy toga. I had been tossing and turning all night. I sat up and noticed there were more blankets around me than I had remembered falling asleep with. As I staggered out of the boat bed, I looked around to find things awkwardly quiet. I could sense that it had to be at least noon. I messily ran my fingers through my brunette curls and quietly walked around. It wasn't long before I saw Erik sitting at his organ. He had his mask back on and he looked like he was waiting for something. Eagerly looking at the keys but not daring to touch a single one. I purposely made one of my steps louder and it startled him as he jerked around to face me.
"Good Morning Christine," he said politely. His talking voice was so much different than his singing voice. It was a much higher gentle tone with a slight unique accent whereas his singing voice was deep, powerful and spell bounding.
I stood there looking at him with my head slightly cocked to the side.
"Good Morning Erik, is everything alright?" He didn't respond but questioned me with his eyes.
"You aren't playing music," I said, giving him a subtle smile.
His eyes glistened when they met mine and he looked a little flattered.
"I didn't want to wake you," he said.
His response filled me with guilt, and it made me feel bad for sleeping in so long. He obviously loved to play his music, and not being able to do so for hours must have been torture.
"Erik, don't let me get in the way, I enjoy hearing you play, even if I am asleep. It will not wake me, I promise."
He then stood up and walked slowly toward me coaxing me with his gentle body language. I began to tense up at this, not knowing what he wanted me to do. He fell to his knees before me and took my small hands in his.
This was it. He was going to ask me if I loved him. Or worse yet, ask me to tell him that I loved him. I refused to give him eye contact, though I could feel in his gentle grip he desperately wanted me to.
"Christine," He began in a surprisingly sadder tone then what I expected. I finally looked at him, but then shortly afterward realized he only used the sad tone to bait me. My heart began to race and he deeply looked into my eyes, seeing my nervousness. He continued to study me for a moment, rubbing my hands with his. I trembled at his slightest touch, and he noticed this.
"Please do not fear me, my dear Christine. You know it brings me pain me to see you so frightened."
I just stood there for a while, and I opened my mouth to speak but he continued.
"I will never harm you Christine, please don't be afraid," he desperately begged.
My timid eyes left his for a moment as I looked back down at our entwined hands.
"Christine, I love you."
He spoke with deep longing now, and I could feel his desire for my affection growing. My kiss had affected him deeply, and even though it was just a desperate attempt to calm him down from his madness, he was still lost in it. When I had taken his face in my hands and kissed him, he was trembling more than I was now. I had taken advantage of every vulnerable bone in his body.
I knew now that he wanted nothing more but to feel that again.
Then I felt one of his hands leave mine and it reached up to touch my cheek.
"I will be as gentle as a lamb Christine, and I will make you the happiest of women."
Half of me ate up every word he said, and the other half was becoming angry that Erik was trying candy-coat the kind of person he was. But then it crossed my mind that this man was left in the cold to die, and I was his last chance for happiness and comfort. And when he spoke of my happiness he was really speaking of his.
I stopped thinking so hard and looked down into his eyes, a little more confident this time.
"Erik," I said in a tragic worried-about-him way. I felt my eyes well up in tears, touched by his kind words to me. His face became saddened by the sight of me beginning to shed tears, but before he could say anything I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face in his shoulder. I felt him take in a deep emotional breath and slowly exhale while putting his arms around my small body. This wasn't going to be easy, that much I knew. But for the first time I felt comfortable in his presence.
Erik pulled away from my embrace and with my arms still around him he looked up at me.
"Is there anything I can get you to make you feel more comfortable here, my darling?"
The more I thought about it, I had left all of my belongings up in the opera house. What I knew I was going to miss the most was my vanity. I was pretty certain Erik wouldn't keep a mirror around. Being a woman and not being able to look at a mirror at least once a day was tough.
"I …I left all my things-"
Erik finally stood up.
"I will retrieve your things, Christine."
I knew that was going to be a bad idea.
"Erik, the police probably took my things, or they must have gotten rid of them. Even if they are still there taking them will look suspicious."
"Child, if there is one thing I've learned living down here it is that people only notice when something is gone when it belongs to them."
I let out a small sigh and knew he would be venturing up to find my things whether I wanted him to or not.
"Please be careful Erik," I said to him.
He looked down at me, a little concerned, then took a step toward me and placed his hand on the side of my face. He leaned down slowly and his face started inching its way toward mine. I slightly turned my head to the side and he just brushed my cheek with his lips. I closed my eyes, and was glad he didn't try to kiss me on the lips.
Then I watched him row away on his boat, as he headed toward the surface.
