Title: A Letter to the Devoted Fans

Author: P.L.S

Rating: G or PG (for very mild language)

E-mail: ptwentyfour@yahoo.com

Note: I don't really feel like this, but the idea possessed me- or maybe that was Harry's spirit. . .  Here's what Harry (age twenty-five) has to say to us weirdoes who write about him.

Disclaimer: (Just in case you are an idiot) I don't own anything much and I'm not making money by writing this. . . DON'T SUE!!!

Archive: It's  already on SnapexHarry and I think I'll put it on Yaoi Hotel but if you want to put it on some other site go ahead, if you want to steal it for you site or school work, feel free.

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Dear deluded and insane fan fiction writers,

I, Harry Potter, have been reading your work and have decided that once and for all I need to clear some of your silly ideas up. About Severus Snape and my potential to pursue him romantically, to be specific. 

 Make no mistake, he is a greasy git.

There is nothing I would love to tell you more than his cold exterior is just a façade and that he really is a loveable guy underneath. He isn't he is a very callous and arrogant man who "knows" the rest of the world's population is made of fools, idiots, dummies, and retarded children. Severus Salaazar Snape is what he is, a Slytherin, born and bred.

I have seen all of the stories, heard all of the cliché rumors, and listened to the rest of the tripe you fools call "Fan Fictions" and "Slash". It is sickening how badly you all screw out lives up, especially when it comes to Snape and I and our very odd relationship. I, Harry Potter, want to clarify quite a few of the misconceptions you writers have developed in regards to Severus Snape and I and our romantic involvement.

First off, his hair is not really sleek and like water or whatever else you ingrates think it might be. His hair is greasy as a car axel! I'm not saying he's dirty or doesn't wash as much as he should. It is the by-product of a potion gone wrong in his fourth year. His friend thought she had a really great new hair potion, blackmailed Snape into testing it and it backfired. The effects didn't have a cure and so he was stuck with horribly greasy hair. This lead him to become a potions master to find a cure for it but still no cure can be found. Not that I care. I avoid the topic with him.

He is not merely jaded, though he is that. He is delusional and hateful and spiteful. He doesn't terrify his students to prepare them for life or to make a good cover for his spying.  He is a malicious teacher who despises Gryffindors and me especially. He tortures students for his own perverse pleasure, why I haven't a clue…yet.

On another point, I will never become a teacher. I loathe children, hate school work and cannot stand teaching. Even if it was flying and Quidditich, there are rules, paperwork, and a myriad of other little things I would go insane doing. I never have set much store by the rules as Severus reminds me time after time.

I really don't have a steady job now that Voldemort is gone. I never have been able to put up with idiots telling me what to do. I don't really have any major talents like Severus. Quidditich doesn't pay the bills now. The whole industry collapsed under poor management otherwise known as the Malfoy family, and now Ron, Charlie, Seamus and other obsessive fanatics are resurrecting the sport. If it weren't for that I'd be a professional player, but now I play for fun when Ron tells me I need to show up. Right now I pay the bills with my pathetic writing in the Daily Prophet and product testing for the Nimbus Company. Severus laughs at me all the time for that last job. I end up with broken bones and punctured lungs all the time.

Next on the long list of things I need to address is your idea that Snape even likes me enough to work with me. I never had a crush on the jerk, he never fancied me. Our relationship evolved with mutual hate and irritation.  I still cringe over how that happened, but it did and I'd rather not discuss it in such a public forum. But we never, I repeat, never worked in the same room together much less on the battlefield. Sure I trust him, trust him to make my life hell every chance he can get. Only knowing how badly Draco needs the git alive stops me from killing him half the bloody time. Severus, for all the ill his very presence causes, is the only reason Draco isn't sporting a Dark Mark and in Azkaban right at this moment. And, by the way, I and the Snapdragon are on semi-friendly terms and have been since my nineteenth birthday and our getting plastered in a Muggle bar.

Now that is something I would like to congratulate you  dunces on. Draco and I are drinking buddies and while our bar of choice is the Three Broomsticks, Rosmerta tosses us out when we start to have more than a Butterbeer or two. We now have to go to Muggle bars to get properly drunk.. Then we might hex each other or start a barroom brawl and get tossed in the local detention center until we are sober and Severus or Ron comes and puts up bail money from the joint account Draco and I started to pay for our wild nights. The jail in Dublin has a top notch cell just for us two, the Irish Police really know how to take care of their two best customers. If you ever get picked up there just mention you are a friend of the Lion and the Dragon and you make get to stay the night in that first-rate cell. By the way, the jailor is a witch who basically loves us both to bits, may the Lord help her.

Presently I must take my leave. Severus, the great bastard he is, has called for some sort of reunion right now between the staff of my Alma Mater and me, prodigal son of Hogwarts . I have an odd feeling Albus and Hermione are behind it, and that this is just another time that the Golden Boy of Gryffindor Tower will be dragged to Hogwarts as his well meaning friends fuss over him and beg him to take the cursed job of Defense Against the Dark Arts. I hope they will soon have enough brain cells to stop and let me alone about it. I am just fine and have no desire to work with children and Severus Snape.

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

Daily Prophet reporter, Nimbus Company Class A Flyer, and Seeker for the Appleby Arrows