Disclaimer -- The only thing I really own is this computer. And even my dad bought that. So NONE of this is mine.

A/N -- This story is chronically stupid, just so you're aware. I think it's funny -- it's sort of like the things I did when I was younger. So enjoy the crack, because Ulquiorra's voice sound a whole fuck of a lot like the guy from Soft Cell's. ;)

Tainted Bleach

by Undercooked

The extremely unattractive young man faced the equally unattractive Espada.

"Like…are you a mime or what?" asked Ichigo Kurosaki, the unattractive young man. "Because you really look like a mime."

"I am not a mime." replied Ulquiorra Schiffer, the unattractive mime.

"Oh. Well, that's a disappointment. I guess I'll just be on my way." said Ichigo. "Come on, Nel."

"But I want to see the mime get stuck in a box!" she exclaimed sadly.

"He's not a mime, he's just a big fat disappointment." said Ichigo, patting the young girl on the head and beginning to walk away. "Let's go save that girl who we always have to save. God, she's annoying."

"Wait!" cried the mime, who was kind of lonely. "I kidnapped that dumb orange-haired girl!"

As the dumb orange-haired girl was kind of a raw nerve for the unattractive young man, he spun around and dramatically challenged the mime to a duel. He whipped out his deck of cards as a glowing board appeared in mid-air. Also, his hair got a lot cooler.

"Fool, this is not Yu-Gi-Oh! Don't taint the good name of our show! " exclaimed Ulquiorra, panicked that Bleach was going to become as bad as the the aforementioned abomination. (Which it kind of already was.)

"Wait." said Ichigo, eyes wide, card game forgotten. "Say the word 'taint' again."

"What? Why?"'

"Because you sound JUST like the guy from Soft Cell. " and with that, he broke into the chorus of, "Tainted Love." Nel's ears began to bleed, and babies everywhere exploded.

"That was horrible." critiqued Ulquiorra. "I should know. I was a judge on one season of American Idol, when Paula Abdul was mysteriously on cra – absent."

"That's why I need YOU in my Soft Cell cover band." Ichigo said excitedly.

"Well, I guess it's an upgrade from being a lonely mime…"thought Ulquiorra.

"Alright. But on one condition – I don't have to get a tan." He agreed.

"You can stay as pale as an Irish guy's ass." Ichigo promised.

ELSEWHERE

Aizen sat up straight in his chair, his face stormy.

"What's wrong, Lord Aizen?" asked Gin, grinning like an over-botoxed grandma.

"Other than the fact that Gin's voice sounds like a gay elephant…" muttered Tousen from the corner.

"One of my subordinates is about to join a mediocre cover band." Aizen said angrily.

ELSEWHERE FROM ELSEWHERE

"Anyone?" called that annoying girl who everyone always has to save, otherwise known as Rukia, laying on the floor. "Usually someone comes to save me by now!"

Wow, Girl-Who-Cried-Save-Me – maybe you should get LifeAlert…or just stop sucking so badly that you need an entire television cast to rescue you constantly.

FIN CHAPTER ONE