Meet the Bat-tles
by Rob Morris

Premise : Did you ever notice how none of the big name bands made it onto 60's TV? Here's what might have happened if two big phenoms joined together

A scene you never saw on Batman :

John Lennon : Thanx muchly for breaking us free, Caped Crusaders! Batman, me and Paul'll help you with The Joker. George, Ringo--you go with Robin.

Ringo : I dun't want to go with Robin--he dresses all funny!

Paul : Ah, yer daft, boy! You dress funnier than he does.

Ringo : I forgot.

Robin : Gosh, Batman! Can we trust these counter-culture cutups?

Batman : I---believe so, chum. For you see, their passion is for their music. In a way, they too are heroes.

( Batman is down, John confronts the Joker )

Joker : Well, my young fiend. You were once The Silver Beatles. Soon you'll be Mashed Beatle Potatoes!

John : Try as you might, Joker--you're just a royal square. Margaret and Tony Snowden know how to swing better than you.

Joker : Square? Why, I'm a wanted outlaw!

John : More like you're an unwanted in-law. You go on like the wife's mother. But I'll give you a chance to improve your lot. I'll ask you a question, then you ask me the same. Whoever has the wittier response wins.

Joker : Heh. You'll wish I mashed you first!

John : All right then. After your little acid trip, how did you find America?

Joker : I found it a vast wasteland without humor or an appreciation of the same. I found tiny little people who needed my amusement--and sometimes--even some pruning. I found a deck of cards--that needed a Joker. Now, how did you find America?

John : ( Grins ) Turned Left At Greenland.

Joker : ( Frowns ) How dare you issue forth so bad a pun in MY presence?

John : Just wait till next issue.

Paul : You can subscribe for a dollar, or pay a quarter at the newsstand.

( Joker screams )

Joker : Get Them!

( While Batman and Robin fight Joker's goons, the lads duck each punch; Ringo shakes hands with the confused felons, George takes notes about their fashion sense--he then tears up the notepad. A jazzy rendition of 'A Hard Day's Night' plays mixed with the usual fight music. Sensing defeat, The Joker tries to get away. The lads pick up a statue )

John : Hey, you.

Paul : Let's play catch.

George : Now don't drop it.

( Statue knocks Joker silly )

Ringo : He's not very good at this, is he?

Robin : That statue of Venus De Milo sure stopped the Joker from escaping, Batman!

Batman : It's like our friend John has said, Robin--All You Need Is Love!

John : And 50 pounds of marble.

( Later at the Police Station )

Commissioner Gordon : This city owes you Beatles a great debt. But where are the Joker and his men?

Robin : Ringo's comment made me think, Commissioner. We decided to change that how bunch dresses.

Paul : They'll wish they'd gone to jail.

George : Instead of the hospital.

( We see Joker and his men running down the street as every young girl in Gotham chases them. Our heroes have dyed their hair black and glued Beatle-suits onto them )

Goon1 : Run fer yer life!

Goon2 : I'm goin' straight after this!

Goon 3 : They're like crazy animals!

Joker : BATMAN! Help Me! BATMANNNN!