THE FINAL STORY OF THE CRAZY CHOCOLATE STORY. EPIC.

I don't own Trauma Center…so yeah. :(

For some reason, my Lolcats talk isn't as Lol-catty as normal. I is sorry.

This is Part 1.

Derek Stiles sat in his swivel chair, spinning around pointlessly. He sighed deeply.

"I have nothing to do," he said to no one in particular. "Except paperwork. And I don't want to do that."

Angie was taking a coffee break with Leslie Sears. Derek made a face. Coffee sounded so good…

That's when he saw it.

A perfect, king-size Hershey's White Chocolate bar, lying innocently on the corner of his desk.

Derek looked to his left.

He looked to his right.

He looked up.

He looked down.

He used his new-found Derek powers to look behind him and through the walls. (Whoa, total Neji moment there?!)

No one was there.

Derek took the candy bar and peeled off the wrapper. After all, what could a bit of chocolate do…?

Angie Thompson walked in with her cup of coffee just as Derek swallowed.

She dropped her coffee, which splattered everywhere.

"Derek Stiles…you did NOT just eat that…" she said, the color draining out of her face.

"Wha?" he said.

Angie was perplexed. "Dr. Stiles?"

"Ya?" Derek answered, cocking his head.

Angie put her hands on her hip. "Hmm…I don't see any strange behavior…so I guess white chocolate has no effect on you, Derek."

"Whats you talks about, Angie?" Derek asked. "Chocolate duz no harms."

Angie groaned. "Speak of the devil…"

Derek groaned along with her. "I dun know whats I does last times, but I knows dis isn't good…"

"What am I going to do?" Angie cried.

"I dun know! I wishes I could helpz but I cants!" Derek cried too. "Now my speech is all messed'ed up!"

Angie covered her face. "Derek…you should know that every time you eat chocolate, something really weird happens…"

"What the kitties? Dats not normals!" Derek said, also covering his face.

Angie froze. "What did you just do?"

Derek froze too. "I dun know!"

Angie lifted her hand.

Derek lifted his hand.

Understanding sparked in Angie's green eyes. "Oh, I get it now…" She lowered her hand, and Derek copied her.

"Derek…you're a copycat…with 'Lolcats' speech!"

Derek, Angie, Victor, Leslie, Tyler, Cybil, Sidney, and Dr. Clarks were all assembled in the coffee room.

"What the hell is wrong with him this time?" Victor grumbled.

"He ate white chocolate—"—everyone groaned—"and now he talks with Lolcats speech and copies other people's movements," Angie explained.

"Lolcats?" Tyler said. "I remember those!"

Cybil crossed her arms (Derek copied her). "Now that you mention it…I seem to remember them too."

"What the hell are Lolcats?" Victor said, flexing his hand (which was cramped from holding beakers.)

Derek mimicked the movement, then answered, "They're these kittez who speaks weirds…like meh."

Sidney rubbed his chin. Derek rubbed his own chin.

"Angie, I seem to recall you slapping Derek. After that, he stopped substituting words…maybe you should give it a try," Sidney suggested.

Derek heard. "Oh noes…please don't slaps me!"

Angie took a breath. "Well…here goes."

She slapped Derek across the face…then shrieked and threw Tyler in front of her as Derek copied her motion. Derek's hand smacked Tyler in the face.

"OW!" Tyler screamed.

"Angie, you hits too hard!" Derek whimpered.

Angie sat down. Derek sat down.

"It didn't work," she said, dejected.

"Well, maybe if we use force it will," Cybil said. She straightened up (Derek stood up and straightened).

Cybil produced handcuffs out of nowhere. "I guess my police training still comes—what the hell?!"

Derek held handcuffs in his hands. "I is sorry!" he wailed.

Cybil refused to be defeated, however. "Tyler! Grab his arms!"

"Why me?" Tyler whined, but grabbed Derek's arms. Derek didn't copy him.

"I think it's working!" Victor cried.

"Derek Stiles, you are under arrest!" Cybil said, then handcuffed Derek.

Derek stared at her with his big, shiny eyes. Then, he twisted out of Tyler's grip and broke the handcuffs. He then proceeded to grab Tyler's arm and handcuff him with the pair he had randomly gotten.

Everyone gasped (Derek gasped too.)

"N-no way!" Cybil said. "Those handcuffs are unbreakable! Even the surgical lasers don't work on them!"

"Owowowowow!" Tyler yelled. "Derek, let go!"

"I is sorry! I can't!" Derek apologized, trying to let go.

Victor stepped back a few steps to let a janitor pass. Derek stepped back from Tyler. Cybil un-handcuffed him, while Derek did the same motions in the air.

Victor's black eyes narrowed. "Wait…why didn't he copy that janitor?"

Everyone stared at the janitor, who turned around and said, "Beats me."

Everyone lost interest and went back to Derek.

"All right, let's try this next…"

"Phew!" the janitor sighed, hiding in a room. He pulled out a Hello Kitty cell phone.

"Master, I am here to report," he said into the phone.

A voice came out the other end. "Well, hurry up!"

"Dark chocolate makes him go berserk. Milk chocolate makes him substitute curse words with random words. White chocolate makes him imitate motions, while talking in a peculiar fashion."

There was a deep sigh. "I see dark chocolate is the only one that makes him of any use…very well! We will just have to work a little harder. Soon, our weapon will be complete…and Caduceus will fall to me!" The voice laughed evilly. "Now, Bob…observe our weapon more. Report back to me in two hours." Click.

Bob the janitor stared at the Hello Kitty phone. "Yes, Master?"

"Drink!" Victor ordered. Derek whimpered as Victor held the glass full of the frothing black liquid to his mouth. Derek's arms, legs, wrists and ankles were tied with duct tape, bound with rope and shackled with manacles and chains to keep him from moving.

"MMMH!" Derek said, his mouth muffled by Cybil's hand. Her other hand yanked his chin, forcing his jaw open.

"On 3!" Cybil instructed. "1, 2, 3!"

Victor pressed the glass to Derek's mouth and dumped the liquid in. Derek squirmed and wriggled and tried to force the medicine down as best as he could. He failed, though.

"MMMMH!!!" Derek shouted. Cybil got the message and lugged him to the sink, where he spat the medicine out and threw up.

"Eww," Leslie remarked.

Angie made a face.

Derek got up shakily (Cybil had untied him) and wiped his mouth. "Dat was the worstest thing I has ever tasteds."

"Damn you, Derek," Victor growled. "You're going to pay for making me look like an idiot."

Sidney gave Victor a look. "How did he make you look like an idiot?"

Victor sighed impatiently. "My experiment failed. Therefore, I'm an idiot."

Everyone decided to drop the subject. Derek moaned piteously from the floor, still trying to get rid of the taste of the repulsive liquid.

Dr. Clarks slumped in a chair (Derek attempted to copy him, but he was lying on the floor.)

"We've tried 40 different methods," he said sadly. "We've tried the most bizarre ways…like shoving screws in his knees."

Derek rolled up his pants and showed his knees to everyone. There were Diego Band-Aids all over them, covering the wounds the screws had made.

"Wait, what good do screws do?" Angie asked, confused. Everyone coughed (Derek coughed too) and looked at Victor.

"Hey, I'm not a sadist," he said defensively.

"Uh-huh."

Sidney rubbed his temples. Derek rubbed his own temples.

"Let's keep trying," the director said, and everyone burst into action again.

Bob the janitor hid in the closet and opened his Hello Kitty cell phone. He called his master.

"Master Vakhusti speaking," the voice answered.

"Master, I'm reporting," Bob said.

"Yes, I know that," Master Vakhusti snapped. "And hurry up about it."

"W-well, Master, I have Markus Vaughn with me."

"WHAT?!"

Markus Vaughn (who had suddenly appeared) sighed. "Hand the phone over."

Bob gave him the phone.

"When are you going to drop the stupid costumes and names, Ray?" Markus asked.

"I-I'm not Ray! My name is Master—" Master Vakhusti said.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm not stupid," Markus grumbled. "I'm just saying, don't infect yourself with Stigma again, because I'm not going to come operate."

Master Vakhusti swore on the other line. "Curse you, Markus Vaughn!"

"I'm sick of operating on you, okay? Isn't it good enough for you that I got an XS on all the X missions? Jesus."

"No!"

"Well, that's more than enough for me. Good luck on your 'weapon'." Markus hung up, tossed the phone to Bob the Janitor, and went POOF.

Bob punched in Master Vakhusti's number with clumsy fingers. He failed, and tried again. Six minutes later and after 47 tries, Bob realized he had Master Vakhusti on speed dial.

"What took so long?" Master Vakhusti grumbled.

"I apologize, Master. I-I kept messing up on your number, sir."

"I'm on speed dial! I replaced the voicemail, remember?"

"Y-yes sir, I remember, sir."

"Why didn't you call the speed dial?"

"I-I did, Master."

"All right then, hurry up and finish that report!" Master Vakhusti said impatiently.

Bob gulped. "Sir, they have tried 40 different ways to cure the effects of the chocolate, none of which have worked. They've even nailed screws into the weapon's knees."

"40 ways, and none of which have worked? This is very good. Wait—screws?"

"Yes, sir."

"Why screws?"

"I don't know, sir."

Master Vakhusti huffed. "At least nothing has worked yet. The only problem is…can we control the weapon?"

"Sir, when I walked past the weapon earlier a very scary-looking man remarked how the weapon did not copy me. I think we can, sir."

"Wait, what?" Master Vakhusti asked.

"The weapon didn't—" Bob began.

"I know he didn't copy you!" Master Vakhusti snapped. "Why?"

"I d-don't know, Master," Bob stammered.

"What were you holding when you passed him?" Master Vakhusti inquired.

Bob thought for a minute. "A mop and the phone."

"Walk past him again, only with the mop. Then try the phone."

"Yes, Master."

"Nothing's working," Tyler moaned.

"This sucks," Derek moaned too. "Naos I'm hungreh. Can I has a cheezeburgers?"

"No," Angie said.

"Please can I has a cheezeburgers?"

"No."

"Whats about a cookehs?"

"No."

Derek gave up.

"Excuse me, coming through, sorry!"

Everyone looked up at a short, fat janitor making his way through the room with a mop. (Derek looked up too.)

The janitor pushed his mop around on the floor, generally making the gleaming tiles dirtier than before. Derek mimed pushing a mop on the floor.

"You've already cleaned here," Victor told the janitor.

"I have?" the janitor asked. "Sorry, sir. Can't trust my memory." He waddled away. Cybil grabbed Derek before he could waddle away too.

Victor muttered something unintelligible. "We should get a new janitor. I don't like stupid ones."

"Well?" Master Vakhusti prompted.

"Mop doesn't work, sir," Bob answered.

"What about the phone?"

"W-well, I haven't tried yet, so—"

"Then what are you waiting for?! Go, fool!" Master Vakhusti snapped angrily.

"Y-y-yes, sir, right away, s-sir!" Bob quickly hung up and waddled away as fast as he could.

The Caduceus team was losing hope. Everyone lay slumped in a chair, including Derek, who had done this out of his own free will.

"He'll be fine once he digests the chocolate," Sidney kept repeating, but hours had passed since Derek had eaten that bite of chocolate.

Victor swore. "That fat janitor is back, guys."

He was right. The janitor waddled at the speed of sound. It really wasn't very pretty.

Angie sighed. "I guess we should have tied up Derek. Now he's going to copy him."

Derek sat up. "Wha? I heards my namez."

Everyone stared.

Derek was getting self-conscious. "Whats you all looks at? Is dere somethings on my face?"

Victor waved his hand. Derek waved his hand.

"Why did you copy Victor and not that janitor?" Leslie asked.

"I don't knows," Derek said.

"Well, we'll just have to find out," Cybil said. She stood, striking a very imposing figure. The janitor must have seen her because he waddled a lot faster.

He looked back and found eight pairs of hungry eyes staring after him.

"AFTER HIM!" Tyler shouted.

"MASTER, THE PHONE WORKS BUT NOW I'M BEING CHASED!" Bob yelled into the phone.

"Do not worry, servant. Let them catch you." Master Vakhusti was relaxed.

"What?"

"Let them catch you. And put me on speakerphone."

Bob gulped and pressed the speakerphone button. Cybil lunged for him and pulled his arms back, handcuffing him. Tyler, Victor, Sidney, and Dr. Clarks restrained Derek.

"Look! I bet it's that phone," Victor cried, pointing to the Hello Kitty phone.

Everyone jumped as Master Vakhusti's voice drifted out of the phone.

"Yes, my dear doctors, you are correct! It is precisely this phone that allows one to pass by my weapon without being copied. I am Master Vakhusti, and once I fully develop my weapon, Caduceus will fall to me!"

"What?" Tyler asked. "What weapon? I never saw any weapon."

"You fool!" Master Vakhusti shouted. "You will never understand! My weapon is a thing of terrible beauty…although I really don't approve of the aesthetics that much. But the beauty is in its location, its secrecy, and its cunning!"

Leslie cocked her head. "This guy makes no sense."

"Quiet, girl! You all do not realize my weapon has been in your presence every day," Master Vakhusti sneered.

"Um, coffee?" Tyler guessed. "No, no…bananas! No—"

"You really are an idiot," Master Vakhusti muttered. "I have been experimenting on my weapon, trying to find the perfect ingredient that will make it unstoppable. Now think! Who could it be?"

"Oh, who! Naos that helps a lots," Derek said happily. Victor, Tyler, Sidney, and Dr. Clarks hung on to his arms for dear life as he stretched.

"Fool! You are not supposed to speak!" Master Vakhusti admonished.

Angie clapped her hands. "I got it! I know who it is!"

"Who?!" Everyone asked, including Bob the Janitor and Master Vakhusti.

Angie pointed solemnly at Derek. "It's Dr. Stiles."

* * *

"Wait a second," Tyler said. "Stiles? But he's…you know, just Stiles!"

"The idiot is right for once," Victor said.

Derek scratched his head. "I is weapons?"

"I see you have figured it out," Master Vakhusti said. "You are right, girl. The legendary surgeon is my weapon."

Derek was puzzled. "Why meh? I is good doctors, buts—"

Master Vakhusti interrupted him. "You have the Healing Touch, my boy. If you were to turn against Caduceus, who knows what damage you could do? Caduceus would be mine in a few minutes!"

Victor nodded. "He does have a point."

Everyone stared.

"What?" he asked.

"And now! I will be arriving shortly to administer a dose of potion to my weapon. Flee, if you desire to live," Master Vakhusti said. "Do not say I did not warn you."

"I'm outta here!" Tyler said. Angie grabbed him.

"You stay here, mister!" She chastised.

Master Vakhusti laughed evilly. "A warning to you all—this potion contains heavy amounts of dark chocolate, milk chocolate, and white chocolate. It also contains traces of radium and curium."

Everyone groaned. Angie let go of Tyler and stepped forward. She brought the heels of her shoes on the Hello Kitty phone, crushing it.

"Enough of that," she said.

"Angie is mads," Derek noted.

Master Vakhusti cursed. "That insolent girl will pay for disrespecting me!"

He produced a GPS out of nowhere.

"Caduceus...here I come!"

TO BE CONTINUED. MAYBE.