Title: Unusual Flora

Rating: T

Category: Humour, Romance, Richard/Camille, Botany

Summary: Some things just beggar belief

A/N: This is based on a conversation Willowsticks and I had. A ridiculous conversation.


Richard snatched at the ringing phone a little too eagerly. He had spent the last 15 minutes being (mildly) teased by Camille and had just about reached the point where it was starting to not be funny anymore. Especially since the bloody fan had broken down again. Though he sort of suspected that she was planning on backing off as well – Camille had remarkable skills when it came to spotting his breaking points. What he needed was a nice crime committed somewhere with superior air conditioning that could occupy him for the rest of the afternoon. Perhaps Dwayne and Fidel would come back from patrol with some interesting problem for him to tackle.

"I would like to report a body!" A tremulous voice declared over the line. Richard reached for his note pad and pen. Camille watched him expectantly.

"What is your name, Ma'am?" Richard asked.

"My name is Dr Laura Parker, from the University of Guadeloupe Saint Marie Botany Research Station."

Richard didn't miss the way she emphasised her title, in fact her name sounded a little familiar. He thus addressed her appropriately, "Well, Dr Parker, what details can you give me about this body?"

"It is in the drainage system!" She cried. "You must come quickly, they are planning to lift the covers soon and may disturb the evidence!"

"Well Dr Parker if what you say is true…" Richard began, intending to explain nobody should touch anything before they arrived, but Dr Parker objected to his phrasing.

"Are you accusing me of being a liar?" She said shrilly – and loudly, so loudly that Camille winced on the other side of the station. "I can assure you that I am deadly serious, man! You need to hurry over here, I am not sure how much longer I can delay them!" And with that, she hung up.

Richard stared at the phone for a few moments, before coming to his senses and realising that the woman was right about one thing - action was in order. "Right, Camille, we have a body," he said, rising and grabbing his jacket.

She was on her feet immediately. "Where is it?" Camille asked.

"Um, the botany research centre? I presume you know where that is?"

Camille paused, and Richard thought she was about to tell him she didn't know where it was. Instead she asked, "Was it Laura?"

Richard was a bit miffed that they were still standing there instead of proceeding to the crime scene. His eagerness to leave had nothing to do with an idle thought about the possibility of the botany research centre having a nice cold store for seeds and such. "It was a Dr Parker, yes. Come on, Camille, she said it was urgent!"

"There is something you should know…" She began, but he was annoyed now and interrupted her.

"Will it get us to the scene faster?" He asked peevishly. It wasn't like she was incapable of talking and driving at the same time, their journey's to work in the morning were witness to that.

"No, but…"

"Then save it!" He snapped. "Come on Seargent." Camille threw him a dirty look that, deep down, Richard sort of knew he deserved. The heat and the boredom induced by a recent lack of work had gotten the best of him. Sitting next to a silent and sulking Camille, Richard realised he might have to try and make up for this later. Not that he had any clue where to even start with such a mammoth task.

"So, you know Dr Parker, then?" He asked after a good ten minutes of silence. He was happy to discuss things now they were actually on their way to the scene.

Camille didn't answer straight away. She shot a sideways glance at him – if Richard had been under the impression she would be willing to forgive him easily, he wasn't now. "Yes," she said shortly. He knew further information would not be forthcoming.

"And what is she like then?" He tried.

Camille seemed to consider her answer carefully, "Well I wouldn't want to cloud your judgement, Sir. We'll be there soon enough." Richard knew he could just order her to give up the information, but he thought it would just push them further towards a proper falling out. And she was right, they were pulling up to the research station now.

As he exited the jeep, a woman ran out of the front door. She was in her fifties, masses of grey curls piled haphazardly on her head and a frantic expression on her face, "Thank goodness you are here, officers! They are about to lift the covers."

She then loped off without a backwards glance. Richard looked a Camille, who just shrugged and said, "I guess we should follow her?"

When they came around the corner there were indeed a bunch of workmen in many layers of personal protective equipment – Richard wondered how they didn't collapse having to wear the high-visibility jackets, thick gloves and steal-toe capped boots in this heat. Mind, many people had made similar comments about him and his suit. There was also a slightly less appropriately dressed young woman there as well, Richard noticed she had a couple of splashes of concrete on her pumps and suspected her day job did not usually involve being on an active work site. She was standing well back but keenly watching as the workmen prepared to lift the covers.

"Laura, what is going on?" This woman asked as Dr Parker skidded to a halt beside her. "Who are these people?"

"I am Detective Inspector Richard Poole," He said, stepping forward and offering a hand. The woman took it, but looked thoroughly puzzled. "This is Detective Seargent Camille Bordey."

"Um, nice to meet you?" She said accepting his hand. "If we're doing formal introductions I am Dr Geraldine Reynolds, one of the biosecurity officers on Saint Marie."

"Eh duck!" One of the workman, who to Richard's surprise had a broad Nottinghamshire accent, said. "We clear to lift this up, like?"

"Oh yes go ahead," she said, waving them on before Richard could object. She turned back to him and said, "It'll only take a moment, sorry, we've been trying to decommission this old quarantine drainage system for ages! Was there something I could help you with?" She asked, glancing distractedly between him and the workmen.

Richard didn't answer that question, because he too was watching them lift the drain, fully prepared for them to expose a body, possibly in an advanced state of decomposition. They seemed to struggle for a moment and he heard on of the men grunt something about 'suction', but then at last the cover was off and he found himself staring at…a slab of concrete. Slightly damp looking concrete, but a rather solid slab none the less. "Ok that looks great boys," the biosecurity woman was saying now. "Certainly looks like the levels didn't drop overnight, you can get that cover back on and then call it a day!" She turned back to him. "So, um, Detective Inspector. You, uh, sort of look like you were expecting something else?"

He could sense that somewhere behind him Camille was having to make a valiant effort not to laugh. He reigned in his frustration as much as he could before rounding on Dr Parker, "Where exactly is this body you were talking about?"

"Well I thought it was in the drains you see!" Laura explained. "I mean I fully expected for there to be a hand sticking out of the concrete they poured last night. You know they were doing it until nine pm! Why would they be pouring concrete at that time of night if it wasn't for nefarious purposes?"

"Laura!" Dr Reynolds cried, clearly shocked. "You told the police there was a body? Why would you think that, we were pouring it late because the actual delivery arrived late!"

"Well nobody has seen Charles today," Laura pointed out stubbornly.

"Charles? Charles is on holiday in Florida! He's not in the old quarantine drainage system." She rolled her eyes. "And if I had stuck him in there I assure you, I'd have never left a hand on display, I'm very through when it comes to disposing of biological waste." This declaration did lead to Camille letting out a bark of laughter which she quickly attempted to cover with a cough.

Dr Parker continued to look defiant, clearly believing her actions had been correct. She turned to Richard and said firmly, "If this were the television, there definitely would have been a hand sticking out of that concrete!"

"Are you seriously suggesting, Madam, that you called out the police because there would have been a body if this were a television show?"

"Well surely they base those dramas on real cases most of the time!"

"No," said Richard. "No they don't."

Seeing how angry Richard was, Camille decided she had better intervene, "Dr Parker, why don't you head on inside, maybe have a cup of camomile tea? The Inspector and I will just make doubly sure there isn't a body."

"Thank you, Sergeant, that seems like an eminently sensible plan," and with a swish of her skirts she was gone. Richard didn't appreciate Camille's interference, he had been seriously considering arresting the woman for wasting police time. Or at least forcing a referral to the mental health unit. He was going to tell her just that put she held up a hand to silence him and looked significantly at Geraldine, who was watching the pair of them with interest.

"I'm sorry Laura dragged you out here," Geraldine offered. "She's, um, she is very good at her job," she offered –which confused Richard for a moment. Then he realised where he had heard the name before, Dr Laura Parker had written several very well received books on the flora of the Caribbean. No doubt she was rather an important member of staff for such a small research unit. That was also the sort of information Camille would know, and an idea began to form about why she might have interrupted him.

"Well, um, these things happen," Richard said. "I suppose we'll be off. Uh, good luck with the, um, what is it you are doing again?"

"Decommissioning the quarantine drainage system," Geraldine repeated. "We figured concrete would kill anything nasty that might be left over."

"Yes, yes I imagine that would do the trick. Anyway good luck with it all."

As he and Camille were walking away she called after them, "By the way, tomorrow we need to move some of the apiaries. If you get a phone call about us attempting to release a swarm of killer bees, I wouldn't hurry over." Richard got the distinct impression he may have been being mocked. By a stranger no less.

"I did try to warn you," Camille said, as soon as they were safely ensconced in the jeep.

Richard sighed. "Yes," he admitted. "You did. I'm sorry I didn't let you finish explaining."

This statement caused Camille to pause as she went to start to engine, "Did you just apologise?"

He rolled his eyes, "I'm not repeating it!"

"I wasn't asking you to, just wasn't sure I heard right," She said as she turned the key. "I was expecting to have to force the apology out of you. Now I can't stay mad at you." She actually sounded a little disappointed, but when he looked at her she gave him a smile. One of the ones that tended to make his heart beat a little faster – a rate somewhere between above average and full blown tachycardia. "Laura Parker is well known for being a little…different."

"You know I am pretty sure she is one of the world experts on the Apocynaceae," he said to Camille. "How is a woman that…different…a world expert at anything?"

"Well the people of Saint Marie can be very tolerant towards eccentrics," Camille pointed out. "Something I think you would have noticed."

There was no way Richard was letting that little jab pass uncommented on, "I am not eccentric, you are just so, so…French that you can't understand an Englishman's basic need for things like, oh I don't know, privacy, peace and quiet and the occasional decent cup of tea!"

Camille smiled, "Well perhaps you aren't quite in the eccentric category." Richard supposed that would have to do.


When they got back to the station Dwayne and Fidel had returned from patrol. "Where have you been?" Dwayne asked Camille conversationally.

"Laura Parker thought there was a body in the botany research station drainage system," Camille said, immediately drawing huffs of amusement from the two uniformed officers. Richard swore sometimes that the three of them had mind-reading abilities, and Camille had in one sentence communicated the fact he had been made a bit of a fool of. Luckily, nobody commented on that fact.

"I'm sure Laura hasn't called us out for oh, 18 months," Fidel said, looking thoughtful. Since that covered the period Richard had been on Saint Marie, it explained why he had never heard of the woman before.

"Oh no, she had stopped me a couple of times when I have been out on patrol," Dwayne said. "Largely concerned about the…what does she call it? Oh yes, the anthropophagus tree. Mind I am not sure she is entirely wrong about that, that tree has always given me the creeps ever since I was a kid."

Richard frowned, he knew enough Greek to be able to translate what Dwayne had just said. "What do you mean, anthropophagus tree?"

"You've not heard about the witch tree, Sir?" Fidel asked, looking surprised. Camille was looking amused.

"No," said Richard. "But please, do enlighten me."

Fidel looked at Dwayne, he was a smart man and had actually learnt how little patience Richard had for the superstitious beliefs of the people of Saint Marie. Dwayne, on the other hand, had absolutely no qualms in relating the tale of the Witch tree. "Well, Chief, there is this tree right about a kilometre into the jungle that surrounds the village of Tolosa. And I can tell you this, that tree does not belong. There ain't another tree like it on this island – the thing is massive as well, trunk must be at least 6 metres in diameter, the tree maybe 300 years old, I'm not sure. Nobody likes going near it – see, they say it was planted by a witch."

With that dramatic proclamation, Camille seamlessly took up telling the tale, "They say that a good witch killed her fiancé with dark magic, because she thought he had cheated on her with another woman. Then she buried him deep in the jungle, and simply pretended he had disappeared. A few days later she learned she was wrong about the man, and was filled with remorse, so she planted a special tree over his grave in memorial of him." Camille had dropped the volume of her voice, to make the tale more dramatic, and Richard found he was leaning forward without being to help himself. "What she didn't realise was that the dark magic she had used remained in her lover's body, and as he turned to dirt the tree absorbed more than just the nutrients from his decomposing remains – it also absorbed that dark magic."

"It changed the tree," Dwayne said. "Made it more…sentient. And the tree got a taste for human remains…no more could it be satisfied getting its energy from the light, like other trees. It was a creature of darkness now, and it found it needed to feed on humans in order to survive."

"So whenever anybody would get to close to the tree," Camille continued, causing Richard to have to swivel in his chair to follow the story. "Perhaps some lonely traveller trying to find a shortcut to the village – or a pair of lovers looking for a little privacy, they would unwittingly find themselves becoming dinner!" Camille sat back, clearly thinking she had finished the tale, and Richard was about to chew them out for even considering the existence of a man eating tree when Dwayne dropped in another 'fact'.

"They say the tree doesn't want to be evil. It has this very strange bark you know, it peels and falls off in patches. People say that is the tree trying to expel the evil magic, that one day…one day it'll just be a tree again."

There followed another dramatic pause, one that was ended abruptly by Richard saying in the most exasperated tone he had ever had to use, "That is ridiculous!"

"I don't know, Inspector, an awful lot of people have gone missing in that section of the jungle before," Fidel pointed out. He received a glare from Richard for his efforts, he was frankly disappointed in the young sergeant.

"Man-eating trees do not exist," he said firmly. Dwayne and Fidel shared resigned glances, clearly deciding it was wisest not to argue the point with him. Camille, on the other hand, was not willing to let go so easily.

"You can't just say they don't exist!" She scolded him. "It's a big planet, Richard, don't they find new species all the time? There could be a man-eating tree out there somewhere! And why not the jungles of Saint Marie?"

"Camille," he began, reasonably calmly. For once he felt confident that he could reason with her. "If a plant, like a tree, had evolved to eat humans it would therefore need to be in proximity to humans. Thus it makes it pretty certain we would know if man-eating trees existed." He felt almost triumphant with the logic of his argument.

"Ah!" Camille cried, a small smile on her face. "But maybe it didn't evolve to eat humans. Perhaps it evolved to consume some other large mammal…like a tiger, or bear – any large creature that lives in a remote area. And it only gets to eat a human when one stumbles across it."

Actually, it wouldn't really be good scientific practise for Richard to deny that man eating trees couldn't possibly exist anywhere – Camille had made a good point. Not that he was going to tell her that. "A tree on Saint Marie is not going to come across any large mammals except humans, so we can be sure this particular tree is not man eating." And yet all three officers were looking at him doubtfully, what the hell was wrong with them? "I am telling you this tree isn't some 'witch' tree and it definitely isn't anthropophagous!"

"But how do you explain the bark?" Dwayne asked.

With a deep sigh, he patiently explained, "Plenty of trees have bark that peels off. Betula pendula, the silver birch for example. The bark regularly peels off that species – that is probably the case here as well." Camille just raised an eyebrow at him, which had the effect of instantly infuriating him. "Look! I'll prove it, tell me where this damn tree is and I'll go out and look at it and bloody ID the thing myself! And I won't end up as its dinner, though no doubt a hundred over blasted bugs will feed on me."

"I don't know Chief," Dwayne said doubtfully, frowning. "I'm not sure you want to go trekking off into the jungle round there. Plenty of other dangers round those parts, not just the witch tree."

"No doubt if there are other dangers and people have gone missing, it was probably those dangers that were responsible." Hardly the most elegant sentence, but he thought they would figure out what he meant. "But I'll be fine, I'm a police officer. I know how to be sensible, unlike 80% of the general public." He found all three members of his team staring at him incredulously. "I will be fine," he insisted. "Now tell me where the tree is!"

Camille threw the pen she had been fiddling with down on the desk and declared, "I'll take you there! There is no way I am letting you break your neck over a tree." Richard thought that was sort of nice, that she would be concerned, at least until she continued, "Too much effort to train up a new Inspector."

He frowned. "I…" He began to protest, but Camille didn't let him get very far.

"It is the only way you are going to find the tree, Richard, so just accept it! We'll go on Saturday."


A/N: There is one more chapter, and I might even get it up tonight. I thought I would post this now though, otherwise it should be completed maybe Tuesday. I know I have a lot of other fics on the go, sorry.