Exclaimer: I do not own Neon Genesis: Evangelion, this belongs to Gainax and Mr. Anno. Also, this story is inspired by the Korean movie Three Guys and a Baby, which may be based on an American movie of the same name. Also, I do not own Pocky.


(August 17th, 2015: 6:00 p.m. Unknown Location)

Inside of a dark room, 2 lone monoliths appeared. The enormous holographic slabs faced each other as if they were two men having a conversation.

"Are all the necessary preparations met?" asked the monolith entitled 01.

"Yes," responded the monolith entitled 04, "in fact, the delivery will be made quite shortly."

"So it on it's way now?" asked 01.

"Yes, it's my esteemed guess that it should be nearing Tokyo3 at this point in time." Said 04, "Soon, it will be on a boat and delivered to Shanghai where my men will pick it up and deliver it to you personally."

A chuckle found it's way from 01. The man behind the monolith was pleased at the progress and found himself in a glorious mood. His goal will be reached much sooner than he had anticipated. In light of his eminent victory, he leaned back and closed his eyes, savoring the vision that he was to soon fulfill.

"Very well, I trust you with the remainder of the deliver." Said 01 offhandedly, "Alert me when the delivery reaches the UN Headquarters."

Without waiting for a response from its counterpart, the monolith labeled 01 disappeared. 04 remained for some time, as if pondering how to best exit the dark room.

"So it's finally here," 04 muttered, "the ending we've all been waiting for…"

After a moment of reflection, 04 vanished, leaving nothing but strange shadows within the confines of the room.

(August 17th, 2015: 9:00 p.m. Tokyo3 Park)

Shinji Ikari was a loner. That had been established since his first day in Tokyo3. However, he had never been quite as lonely as he was right now.

'Why does Asuka always have to do this to me?' Shinji thought to himself silently as he walked at a brisk but defeated pace through one of Tokyo3's city parks. In his hands, he carried what appeared to be a grocery bag filled with produce, meats, and various other store bought goods. His other hand, he was carrying a bag full of what seemed to be every snack food known to man.

'It's bad enough that I have to do our grocery shopping, now I have to get all her snacks and crap.' Shinji thought. As his thoughts trailed on, he drifted off into his own world and became oblivious to everything around him. His feet continued to carry him home in the automatic motion that was usually reserved for sleepwalkers.

As Shinji began to delve deeper into his thoughts, he began to mumble to himself, unaware that what appeared to be a man in his mid twenties frantically ran towards him.

WHUMP!!!!!!

As if hit by a small tactical nuclear weapon, the bags in Shinji's hands flew into the sky and tore open in mid-air, spewing it's contents over a 10 foot radius.

"Aaaagh! What the he-" Shinji began before he was cut off by the force of a two foot long bundle being shoved into his chest.

"Kiku! Her name is Kiku!" yelled the man who had just given Shinji a generous full body tackle, "Please, don't let them find her!"

Before Shinji could argue, much less gather his thoughts, the man had left and was racing towards the other side of the park. Behind him, Shinji could hear a rather large amount of yelling and running.

"Wai-" Shinji began to yell at the fleeing man before he was cut off by a rather painful foot.

The man who had just stomped on Shinji's face stopped in his tracks and faced Shinji.

"Where'd he go!" the man yelled, rather unfazed by the fact that his shoe left tread marks on a 14 year old's face.

Shinji, quite unhappy with the demand, was about to respond with a rude answer but stopped when he noticed the presence of a dozen armed men wearing black robes.

'O crap!' Shinji thought, 'What the hell have I gotten myself into?!'. Shinji looked up at the lead man's face and gulped. His mind was running at an incredible rate but his mouth didn't want to work. Instead he let out an incoherent jumble of gibberish and pointed at the general direction away from his apartment.

"Whatidontkno, wa canhere, butcant he i..."

The man who had addressed had him took pity on Shinji's apparent disabilities and now talked to him as though he were a small child. He smiled and patted him on the shoulder.

"Ok, thanks kiddo," The man said as he kneeled down and reached into his suit pocket, "here!". Shinji flinched and gasped as the man produced an object from inside his suit and into Shinji's bewildered face. Upon closer inspection, Shinji realized it was a wad of cash. He stared at it dumbly with a blank expression on his face.

"Don't go spend it all at once now." The man said as he placed the money into Shinji's pocket. Gracefully, he stood up and ran towards the direction Shinji had indicated, motioning for the armed men to follow.

As the bizarre group of hooded men faded, Shinji's mind became blank. He laid there, in a petrified state, for an undetermined amount of time until he realized he was staring at the unidentified bundle on his chest. He noticed it was wrapped in a pink blanket. Realizing his groceries were scattered all over the park, he was getting up when he noticed the bundle move. Time froze for Shinji as a piercing scream erupted from the bundle.

(August, 2015: 9:38 p.m. Other Side of Park in Toko3)

"I'm sorry I have to do this Mr. Chiro," Said the man who had planted his foot in Shinji's face earlier that evening, "But unless you tell me where the baby is, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you."

The dozen robed men surrounded Mr. Chiro who was on the ground in a pool of blood. Various bruises and knife wounds covered his body. He looked very much to be close to death regardless of whether or not the other man decided to kill him.

"Go… fuck.. yourself.. Tanako…" Mr. Chiro gasped as his vision began to mist over. "tell… your.. boss.. his plans.."

'I don't know what's more painful,' thought Tanako as he watched the man die, 'watching him bleed to death or listening to him talk at one word per minute.'

".. are foolish… they… will…. not….. work…..." Mr. Chiro continued, "… I………. won't……………. let…………. it…………………… happen."

"You done?" asked Tanako.

Mr. Chiro nodded. A gunshot was heard.

(August, 2015: 10:25 Katsuragi Residence)

Shinji stood outside the apartment, playing out all the possible scenarios in his head. He half-heartedly wanted to turn around and run away.

'Run away… just like I always do.' Shinji thought as he sighed. He continued to stand in front of the door, cradling an alarming amount of chips and candy in one arm, and a small bundle in the other. Shinji couldn't carry all the spilled groceries and the bundle so he reasoned that if he at least brought Asuka her snacks, he might be able to live another day and buy more groceries later. Upon returning to the 12-story apartment complex, he had made a mental note that Misato's car was not in its designated parking space. This meant that the apartment was housing a single redheaded German girl.

Shinji sighed again. He did not want to be alone in the apartment with Asuka because he knew that if she freaked out and tried to kill him, he'd be on his own. As he mentally prepared himself for the inevitable danger of his roommate, he set the emergency line on speed dial on his cell phone. At least if she tried to kill him, he'll be able to call for someone to pick up his body before she could hide it.

Finally, ready to face another ass kicking, he raised his hands but stopped before he could ring the doorbell.

'No,' he thought, 'she might be watching TV and the doorbell with piss her off.'. Slowly but deliberately, he shifted his hand from the doorbell to the middle of the door and pulled in his fingers to make a loose fist. Timidly, he made an almost inaudible tap on the door. Suddenly the door sprang open and the bright lights inside blinded Shinji.

"Hey baka!" yelled Asuka. Before Shinji could react, She grabbed him by the shirt with two hands and pulled him inside the apartment. Being half dragged by the redhead, Shinji stumbled into the kitchen.

"Asuka, there's something I have to tell-" Shinji began before he was cut off.

"Looks like you actually did something right for once." Asuka said, obviously pleased by the fact that she somehow got Shinji to buy her a ridiculous amount of her favorite junk foods.

"Listen, there's something-" Shinji began again.

"Oh my God! How did you know I wanted these!" Asuka exclaimed as she picked up a rather small bag of elaborately shaped crackers.

'Because you put them on your list' Shinji thought to himself. He sighed as he realized his roommate would not listen to him until she was finished making comments on every snack in the pile.

"Hey, what's that?" Asuka asked, pointing at the bundle in Shinji's arm as she began to stuff some Pocky in her mouth.

As if on cue, a loud cry admitted from the bundle. Asuka froze in shock, her jaw dropping open to reveal a mouthful of chewed up Pocky. Seeing her expression, Shinji became rigid in fear. For nearly five minutes, they remained in this position while the baby screamed its displeasure of the bright lights in the kitchen.

Suddenly Asuka screamed loud enough to wake several neighbors, shattering Shinji's eardrums while showing him with particles of Pocky.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!!!" Asuka yelled at the top of her lungs before freaking out and attacking Shinji for no apparent reason other than having no other way of reacting to the situation.

Shinji yelped in fright as he took every blow of the onslaught, trying his hardest to shield the bundle while crumpling to the ground in pain. The kitchen became filled with Asuka's screams confusion and rage, the baby's screams of displeasure, and Shinji's screams of pain. Outside the apartment, a screeching sound can be heard, followed by the opening and closing of a car door.

A middle-aged woman with purple hair kicked down the door to the apartment and aimed her gun at the two teens in the kitchen.

"What's going on?! I thought I heard Asuka scream!" She yelled.

"MISATO! SHINJI HAS A BABY!!!" Asuka screamed.

Misato froze for a split second. An expression of confusion, flashed on her face before she fainted. Her mind welcomed the blackness as a part of her brain screamed louder than Asuka.

(August, 2015: 7:56 a.m. Katsuragi Residence)

"Good going baka! You made Misato pass out!"

"Me!? You're the one who told her I had a baby!"

"Shut up third child! I'm gonna make you pay for scaring me like that!"

"Scaring you?!? You jumped on top of me and starting punching me in the face!"

"Well it's not like it made a difference. As a matter of fact, I think it made your face look better."

"HEY!"

"Aaaaugh…" Misato groaned as she opened her eyes to see her two charges yelling at each other.

"What the hell were thinking!? You don't just accept babies from random strangers!"

"I didn't accept it, some guy shoved it into my face and ran off!"

"You dummkopf! That's why you should have ran after him and gave it back!"

"I told you I couldn't! These guys surrounded me and asked me where he went! Then one of those guys gave me this!"

"Give me that!"

"Hey! That's mine!"

"Idiot! You wouldn't know what to do with this!"

"Are you kidding me!? I do all our grocery shopping! Sides, I bought you all that food you wanted!"

"You baka! I didn't ask for half the things you got!"

"What?! You told me to go get them! Here! I even have the list!"

"QUIET!!!" Misato screamed as she sat up. The two children stopped yelling at each other and fell silent under the glare of their guardian.

"Someone is going to explain to me, right now, what happened last night." Misato said with a venomous tone.

Asuka sat on the floor next to Misato and threw and accusing look at Shinji. He promptly looked away to avoid her gaze and proceed to tell Misato about the events in the park leading to his acquisition of the baby.

(August 18, 2015, Katsuragi Residence: 9:01 a.m.)

"So you see Misato, I really couldn't do anything about the situation." Shinji finished. Asuka looked like she was going to argue but Misato cut in before she could start.

"Let me see this baby." She said.

Shinji complies, glad to get away from Asuka's glare. As he goes into the kitchen, he looks to the table and quickly spots a small bundle of blankets. Nestled inside is a slumbering baby. Gently, he picks it up and hurries back into the living room, holding the baby more like a football than a baby.

"Let me see her." Requested Misato.

Shinji wordlessly obliged and handed the baby to Misato who quickly placed it on her lap and carefully studied it's face. Shinji and Asuka quietly crawled over to opposite sides of Misato, looking over her shoulders to get a view of the infant.

Soon the baby's tiny eyes opened and glanced at the three strange people looking at it. The baby seemed to regard Shinji with pure hatred before beholding Misato. The baby giggled with glee until it turned its head to face Asuka. A moment passed in silence before the baby began crying in terror.

"Why you little-" Asuka began as her expression went from curious to angry.

"Asuka! Get a hold of yourself!" Snapped Misato, shielding the baby from the angry redhead, "He's adorable."

Shinji noticed a tinge of jealousy on Asuka's face before she resumed glaring at the baby.

"Actually," continued Misato, "I think it's a girl…"

"It's name is Kiku," Said Shinji, "That's what the guy called it at least."

"You baka! Why didn't you tell me this before?!" Asuka hissed.

"Sorry." muttered Shinji, "Wait, what difference does it make?"

"You idiot! It makes a lot of difference." Said Asuka, "At least now we know it's not a pervert."

Shinji looked dumbfounded. Asuka smiled as her confidence rose after she knew she won the argument. Misato looked exasperated. Suddenly she bolted at the calendar, kicking Shinji in the face in the process.

"What the-" Shinji began.

"OH NO!!! I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TODAY!!!" Misato screamed, "You two watch the baby, I'll be back tonight, DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO THE BABY!!"

Within seconds, Misato flew through the door of the apartment, leaving an injured Shinji, a surprised Asuka, and an indifferent baby. Realization dawned upon the two fourteen year olds as they looked at the baby. It was going to be a long day.


Omake:

Misato is passed out on the living room floor after having heard that Shinji has a baby. Shinji and Asuka are standing over her, looking for any signs of life.

"Well that was dumb way to put it." Remarked Shinji.

"Hey! You were the one who brought home a freaking baby!" Asuka retorted.

They both stood for a moment, regarding their guardian. Slowly a mischievous grin grew on Asuka's face.

"Hey Shinji, what do you think went through Misato's mind when I told her that you had a baby?"

"I don't even want to know." Shinji replied.

"Maybe we should just let her think what she wants to think." Asuka said with a smirk.

"I don't like where this is heading." Shinji said while shaking his head.

Asuka just smiled and went to her room. Silently through the night she worked on her computer, creating fake birth documents. She put Shinji Ikari as the father. Quickly inventing an imaginary mother, she put the finishing touches on the image and began printing it.

"Boy, am I gonna enjoy waking up Misato…"


Author's Notes: This is the first chapter of my first fanfic. Hopefully you all enjoyed it or at least got a chuckle out of it. Really, this took me several hours to write. Honestly I have no story lines planned for this. Anyways, thanks for reading and please leave a review, it'll help me improve as a writer, which would help me write this story a bit better. Keep in mind that I'm new to this and can only get better from here.

Edit: BWAH! My bad! i completely forgot that it's in 2015. Also the fact that i misspelled Gainax. also, I reworked some bits to make Shinji appear a little more Shinjish. Really though, my apologies. I wrote this at 1:38 a.m. so i was a little bit out of it. Again, my apologies.