Me, Myself and Ukyou
By Ron Hino
Chapter One

Don't own Ranma, Didn't come up with Me, Myself and Irene either. This fic isn't very nice.

That's called the economy-time disclaimer. ^_^




Hi sugar, my name's Ukyou Kuonji, at least for a little while longer anyway. Oooh! I'm so excited!

But I guess I'm getting way, way ahead of myself, probably ruining it for you by giving you hints of the ending, but really! Just who did you did you think was going to end up with Ranchan, huh? Kodachi the loon? Shampoo the slut? Or maybe you were warped enough to figure that violent untrusting tomboy Akane was Ranchan's perfect match? That wasn't love, it was abuse. If anything, I'd lay good money that all the times she hit him in the head are what caused all the problems that came in the last six months.

Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself again. I'll start off at the beginning. Well, not the beginning beginning; I'm sure you already know that part. I'll start where things started getting weird... well ok, weirder...



It was Sunday evening when Ranchan came into my restaurant as a girl, which gave me a good idea about how his day had gone, not that his miserable expression didn't make it obvious. He always comes here when he needs to talk, which like I said, should clue you in about who he was going to marry. I mean, if a guy can't confide in his wife, who can he with? Ever since I gave up on that stupid revenge thing, Ranchan and me have always trusted each other. It's the cornerstone of our relationship.

"Geez, Ranchan, you look like you've had a fun weekend." I said sarcastically, as I started whipping up a Ranchan Special (that's three extra large specials, in case you were wondering. Ranchan burns a lot of calories training all the time). "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really." He mumbled. I know this really means 'I may not want to, but I sure as hell need to'. Take a lesson girls.

"Come on, you'll feel better if you talk about it, and who better to tell than me?"

Ranchan sighed as he sat down. "Well, okay." See? Told ya. "My mom dropped by the dojo on Saturday."

This kinda surprised me. "I thought she was dead?"

Ranchan nodded. "I sorta thought so too. Actually I didn't ever think to ask. Pop took me on the training trip when I was a baby, so I'd kinda forgot about ever having a mom. It just never occurred to me to ask, right?"

I frowned. My mother died when I was small, and I can't honestly say I remember exactly what she was like, but I think about her all the time. "How can you forget you had a mother?"

"Well, Pop never said a word about her, and we were always running around training. Out of sight; out of mind, I guess. Anyway, she's very much alive, but she agreed to let Pop take me on the training journey 'cause he said that I'd get soft if she kept mothering me."

That made me mad. "What kinda stupid excuse is that? Are all guys who have mother's wusses? Of course not! You were a baby! She was *supposed* to mother you then!"

"Can't say I disagree, but there's not much point in arguing about it now. Anyway, she went along with it, and you don't even what to know what Pop had to do to convince her he'd raise me right."

"But you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?"

"Natch. I tell you everything." I had to smile at that. "The moron wrote up a contract saying that if he didn't raise me to be a 'man-among-men', then he and I would both commit seppuku."

I think I just stared at him for a minute. "Ranchan, your father is the biggest imbecile on the planet."

"Got that right." He snorted.

"At least you didn't turn out to be a worm like him. You're a pretty macho guy, Ranchan?"

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh? And just how 'manly' do I look right now?"

That hadn't even occurred to me. Ranchan got his curse before I even came to Nerima, and I didn't see it until after I decided I wanted to marry him, and in the year or so I'd been here, I just got used to it. But what would I think if I'd just met him today? I formed a rather elegant response.

"Shit!"

"Yeah, that about sums it up. Me and Pop had to pretend to be 'Ranko Tendou' and her pet panda. I guess it's good that I tell you now, in case you run into Mom later. You can't call me 'Ranma' in my girl form around her, otherwise I'm gonna end up on my knees with a knife in my hand."

"You don't really think your own mother would do that to you, do you? I mean... she's your *mother*!"

Ranma sighed. "I don't think I can afford to test that. Mom's real traditional, and she carries the contract and the family katana around with her wherever she goes, just in case she finds us and has to use it."

"Are you sure she just isn't into kenjitsu or something like that?"

"Not a chance. She pulled it out to show us and fumbled it. It landed point first right between my legs. Kinda ironic when you think about it. The only cut she's ever practiced with that thing is the beheading stroke."

I just shook my head in horror. "I can't believe any real mother would do something like that, over something so small. It's just a curse. It's not like you wear bras and panties and date guys or anything."

"'Course not! On the other hand, in certain conditions, by some very literal measures, I *am* a girl."

I shook my head. "It takes a lot more to make you a girl than a pair of nice tits and some interior plumbing, Ranchan. You're a guy, and don't ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. I'll clobber them if they do." Did I just say he had nice tits? I didn't mean that the way you might think. I think of Ranchan as a man. End of story. But his breasts are better than mine. Not just because they're bigger, but years of binding mine down have apparently had an effect on them. They're kinda flat-looking, at least to me, so I guess you could say I admire his girl form's breasts. Hmm... I think it's probably best that I never mention that to him. He might get the wrong idea and think I want him to take a cold shower before our wedding night. I may not mind his curse but I'm not like that!

He gave me a handsome smile. I happen to think it's a handsome smile even when it's in the middle of a pretty girl's face, but that's Ranchan for you. "Thanks Ucchan. That means a lot to me." His face fell again as he thought about his mother.

"It's just not fair! I haven't seen my mother in a decade and a half! I've never known what it's like to have a mother, and now I've gotta hide from her and call her 'Auntie Saotome'! I hate this curse! I hate it!"

I could see he was on the verge of breaking down, almost in tears. Curse or no, Ranchan is very manly, and for him to cry means that things are really bad. Not that I think guys should never cry, but it's hard for me to watch such a strong man (that I love) go to pieces like this. Keeping priorities, I grabbed a kettle and walked around the bar to poor it on him, banishing his hated curse, if only until the next time. Then I hugged him.

"Shh, Ranchan. It's okay." I said, stroking his hair. I was glad no customers had shown up yet. After a moment of hesitation, he put his head on my chest and let it all out. It occurred to me after a minute that I had his face pressed into my boobs, which was an interesting step in the right direction, not that now was anytime to press that sort of thing.

I guess he had the same thought about it being a bit weird to be in my chest that way, because he pulled back and wiped his eyes. "Sorry Ucchan. Guys shouldn't cry."

"That's bullshit! Guys need to cry too sometimes. It's even healthy! Well... I guess it doesn't look so good in public, but you can always come here if you need to cry, Ranchan. I'll never tell a soul."

He gave me that smile again. "Thanks Ucchan. You're the best friend I ever had."

I sighed as he hugged me again. He was using the F-word with me again. Someday I'm really going to have to get him to watch his language.

Now at just this moment, when Ranma and I a sharing something private and personal (not to mention that since he's sitting and I'm standing, his face is in my chest again) who do you think walks in the door? Let me rephrase that: who is the worse possible person who could walk in on something like that?

You guessed it: Akane.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, you pervert!"

Ranma spun around in guilty surprise. "A-Akane! It's not what it looks like! I swear!"

Well actually, it was exactly what it would look like to any reasonable person, but Akane's got her own warped sense of perception. She whipped out the hammer and proceeded to make Ranma one with the floor.

This did not exactly make me happy, and not just because I was going to have to get the flooring replaced.

"How dare you do that to my fiancé!" I yelled.

"Oh, I'm so sorry to interrupt your little private moment." She snapped sarcastically.

"You should be sorry! If you weren't such a nasty bitch, he wouldn't have to come here to get some compassion!" Not that I wanted him going to her to cheer him up, but that didn't change the fact that she didn't treat him right.

"How dare you!" Right. How dare anyone suggest that she isn't miss perfect and that the reason she and Ranma don't get along might not be entirely his fault. What *was* I thinking?

"How dare YOU! Get the hell out my restaurant you violent little dyke!" I didn't really think Akane was a lesbian; I know three girls who are lesbians, and they're really nice people. In fact, were I to go by just that, then I'm *certain* Akane's not a lesbian, seeing how she's a total bitch.

"Why you... At least I dress like a girl! You're probably better at attracting girls than guys, so who's the real dyke here?"

Trust the bitch to aim below the belt. It was time to do my arguing with my battle spatula. I couldn't think of anyone more deserving of getting some sense beat into them than Akane Tendou.

Unfortunately, Ranchan's chivalry came into play at the least appropriate moment. He got between us and took the blow meant for Akane's head.

"Calm down Ucchan, she didn't mean that."

Like hell she didn't. I like to think he was more worried about the flak I might catch for beating the shit out of her than protecting Akane's fool head, but realistically speaking, I know Ranchan hates to see a girl get hurt, regardless of whether or not she deserves it. Did I mention his chivalry can be annoying at times?

Since he was making pretty obvious that he wasn't going to step aside and allow me to freely distribute justice, I set my spatula down and glared at the bitch. "Akane, consider yourself officially no longer welcome at my restaurant. I won't serve you, and if you show up here again I'll have you arrested for trespassing."

That kinda threw Ranchan. "Geez Ukyou, isn't that a bit much?"

"I don't think so sugar."

Akane just snarled at me. "You just want to have Ranma all to yourself!"

"That would be nice," I admitted, "but I wouldn't ban someone from my restaurant just for that. I only ban people who would only be coming here to attack undeserving people and damage the place." I said coldly, pointing at my floor.

Now you would think that a person with even the smallest trace of responsibility might entertain, even briefly, the thought that being told something like that so bluntly might mean there was something wrong with their own behavior. Unfortunately responsibility comes to Akane about as easily as cooking.

"Fine! See if I care! You want to hang out with trash, Ranma? See if I care! Go ahead and marry the crossdresser if that's what you want!" And she stomped out in a huff.

"You know," I said dryly, "I'd hold her to that if I thought she was the least bit sincere."

Ranchan just groaned. "Oh man! I'm afraid to go home!"

I turned to him, unable to resist the opportunity. "If you want, you can stay here tonight." The look on his face told me he was ready for what that might have implied. Come to think of it, I wasn't sure I was either, so I quickly followed up with "I've got a spare room you can use. We don't have to sleep together." I used the right intonation to tell him I meant 'together' as in within the same room, as opposed to 'sleep together', but I'm not certain he picked up on it. To be perfectly honest with myself, I might not have minded if he took it the other way.

"Thanks Ucchan, but that would only make it worse when I went home in the morning. If I leave now, at least I won't have the rest of the family on my case. Mr. Tendo is damn scary when he gets mad."

I sighed. "Okay Ranchan. Good luck. That rooms always available if you need somewhere to crash." And I'm always available too, but I wasn't sure I should say that aloud.

"You're a real pal Ucchan. See you later, and thanks for the food."

He didn't even get a chance to eat it. Oh well, I could eat it myself. It's always a good idea to eat before the dinner rush shows up. You have no time then. Oh yeah, and he used the P-word. I like that even less than the F-word.

"Come back soon!" I said, sounding a bit too pleading for my taste. I say that to customers all the time; you'd think I could keep my voice level.

I remember thinking, after he left, that Ranchan really had way more problems on his plate than his sanity could handle for long. Three fiancées who all want him (whether the bitch would admit it or not) plus Kodachi the loon. Kunou was after his girl side (that *really* had to freak him out). Kunou, Mousse and Ryouga all hated his guts for things that weren't his fault. Nabiki having fun at his expense (literally sometimes). Let's not forget the bitch he lives with making him suffer constantly, yet still excepting him to treat her like a loyal fiancée. Sometimes I think Kodachi's not the only one around here who's nuts, or wants to own Ranma like property.

And now, to top it off, he has to hide in fear of his very life from his long-lost mother. Ranchan's on his way to an ulcer for sure. I'll know for sure as soon as he stops ordering spicy from my grill.

I had to sigh. So much to worry about! Doesn't he know that I'd take care of him forever if he were mine? I don't really know what more I can do to make it clear to him, short of acting like that tramp Shampoo (and I might consider it if I didn't see plainly just how well that worked for her).

My own longing for him aside, Ranma's life was more stressful than a vacation in hell. Something had to give, and soon. As it turned out, I was wrong about the ulcer, but all Ranma's problems did eventually do him considerable harm in a way I'd never have expected. All the injustices against him were about to be revenged, and though much deserved, even I had to admit it was more than a little scary.

***

It was really all about pressure. You overfill a balloon and it pops. You overheat a pressure-cooker and it explodes. The pressure Ranchan was under was building higher and higher, and it never seemed to ease off.

The first time was when Ranchan was walking to school the next morning. He was trying to get Akane to calm down, she still being pissed at him because I banned her from the restaurant. I think he subconsciously knew he was close to his own limits, and was trying to help himself out by defusing things. He should have known to leave well enough alone.

"Come on Akane, it's not that bad. I'll talk to Ukyou later when she calms down. I'm sure I can get her to lift the ban."

"And why should I care? It's not like I want to hang around that crossdresser anyway!"

Ranma winced. "I wish you'd stop calling her that."

"Why not! It's true, isn't it? I can't believe she called ME a dyke! She's probably only interested in your girl side anyway!"

It would have been nice if he would have taken this moment to defend my honor, but he had his fool mind set on pacifying the little bitch. I only found out about this conversation much later. I usually open the restaurant for a couple of hours before school to get the breakfast crowd, so I tend to arrive a few minutes behind them.

"You know she's not. Why can't you two try to be friends?"

"Shut up Ranma! I'm not speaking to you!"

About this time, they'd arrived at the gates. Kunou was waiting for them.

"Foul fiend Saotome! Not only do you force your lecherous attentions on Akane Tendou and the Pig-tailed-girl, but now my noble ears have heard of your molesting of the Okonomiyaki seller up the street! Have you not the slightest concept of decency you lothario?" And so saying, he began his attack.

This was strike one.

"What the hell are you talking about Kunou?" Ranma shouted.

"Why bother denying it, Ranma? I saw you pawing at her with my own eyes!" Akane snapped, only escalating the problem with Kunou.

"I WAS NOT! You should get your eyes checked, you half-blind tomboy!" Ranma snapped back.

"Fiend! How dare you insult the fair Akane Tendou? Fall!" Kunou's attack was about as effective as usual, despite his enthusiasm. Ranma leapt over his thrust and landed hard on Kunou's head, knocking him unconscious and likely damaging brain cells that Kunou can ill afford to lose.

"How'd he find out about that anyway?" Ranma scowled, turning to Akane. "Not that it happened the way he said."

"Must have been Nabiki." Akane said, unconcerned. "After I got home last night I was so mad I told her and Kasumi what a pervert you were being."

"WHAT?"

This was strike two.

Unfortunately there were enough students around to have gotten the gist of Kunou's accusations, and the gossip began to buzz. Many variations were involved, ranging from him outright raping me to me offering myself to him naked save for being covered in okonomiyaki sauce for him to lick off (hmm... maybe an idea for our honeymoon). Naturally, there was not a single person to offer forth the opinion that maybe it was all an innocent misunderstanding, or that Ranchan would never do something like that. Everyone was perfectly happy to assume the worst of him, and Nabiki was soon in the middle offering to sell the 'inside scoop', as though what she had to say was any more accurate.

This was strike three.

This is the scene that I arrived upon. I was immediately surrounded by a dozen girls offering condolences (from those following the 'rape' theories) and asking what it was like (from those following the 'consensual' theories). I was totally confused, and still trying to figure out what they were talking about ("What do you mean, 'was the sauce sticky'?) when Akane got offended at the gossiping people who started construing that Ranma had dumped her. Naturally, instead of confronting the people making the wild accusations, she took it out on Ranma, who was just standing still at this point and twitching in anger.

"Ranma! How dare you embarrass me like this!" She yelled as she brought out the mallet.

Unfortunately for Akane, there was no strike four in Ranma's book. Something inside him finally went 'snap'.

The mallet that usually impacted with Ranma's skull met with his fist in mid-swing instead, splintering into pieces.

If she was shocked that he wasn't going to just stand there and take it, or even run away like usual, the furious glare he sent her way stopped her cold. He'd gotten angry with her before, lots of times, but he had NEVER looked at her like that!

"Embarrass you? Embarrass *you*? Are you completely insane? This whole fiasco is your doing! You barged in on me and Ukyou, took one look, and immediately got the wrong idea! You think *you're* embarrassed by all these sick rumors about me that *you* started? Grow up you little brat! I've *absolutely* had it with you. You pull that mallet on me one more time and I'll break your motherfucking arms!"

Akane's jaw was somewhere around her knees, and so was everybody else's in the entire yard, including mine.

Something was very, very different about Ranma, and all the rules had just changed, but never let Akane be accused of being particularly observant, or able to take a hint. As soon as the shock began to ebb, she started to shake with rage.

"You... you... Ranma! How dare you threaten me like that! You haven't got the guts to-" And that was as far as she got. Ranma put a stop to her ranting by slapping her. This was not a little love-tap slap we're talking about here. This was an any-harder-and-her-neck-would-be-broken slap, and it knocked her completely off her feet.

Ranma turned on his heel and marched into the school without even glancing back once. It was probably lucky for Kunou that he was still unconscious. If he had seen that blow he would have been all over Ranma, and in his current state of mind, Ranma probably would have seen fit to leave the Kunou clan without a male heir.

If I wasn't so shocked that I could use my jaw for something other than polishing my shoes, I probably would have said something along the lines of 'about time she got what she deserved', but as I mentioned earlier on, this was kinda scary. Just how serious was Ranma about this 'breaking Akane's arms' thing? Don't get me wrong, I hate the bitch, but I really didn't want to see that happen to her. I wasn't too hot on the idea of Ranma going to jail either.

Now Akane didn't get up right away. In point of fact, Ranma's blow had made her so dizzy she had to struggle to keep conscious until it passed. When she could sit up again, there was this blank look somewhere between shock and horror. As the reality of what happened slowly began to sink in, she started to cry. Instantly her friends were by her side, asking her if she was all right and expressing disbelief at what a bastard Ranma was.

Now *that* got me moving again. No wonder Akane was so immature and irresponsible! Every time life sent her a sharp learning curve her friends all babied her and kept telling her it wasn't her fault. I can't say I agreed with the way Ranma had done it, but he had finally stood up to her bullying. There was no way I was going to let Akane's little airhead friends blame him for finally giving her a much needed reminder that he was a human being with feelings too. I walked up and approached the group.

"Akane, I'm not going to say I think he was right to hit you, at least not that hard, but even you have to admit you had that coming for a long time now. You made this whole mess this morning all by yourself, just because you saw him and me alone together in my restaurant and jumped to conclusions and assumed the worst of him like you always do. You never trusted him Akane, not once. And you've been bullying him since the day he arrived on your doorstep. You've done a lot worse to him, a great many more times, than he just did to you now. You've hurt him one too many times, and he's had enough. If you remember even one thing about this, remember this: it's *your* fault, and no one else's, no matter what lies your friends are willing to tell you to get you to stop crying."

It was a pretty good speech, if I do say so myself, and even if Akane ignored the whole thing, it at least got her friends to stop and think about what they had been saying to her. They were pretty quiet, at least until I left for class.

When I found Ranma, he was hunched over his desk with his eyes closed. At first I thought he was upset, but the soft snores told me he was asleep. How he could just take a nap after such a dramatic morning was beyond me, even if he did this a lot in the mornings. I decided not to wake him, but I knew I was going to have to have a talk with him later. I sat down in my seat a few rows back and to the right of him and just waited for class to start.

I needed the time to try and sort out just what I was going to say to him. "Congratulations! Good job!" seemed a bit much. On the other hand, I certainly wasn't going to scold him for finally sticking up for himself. Truth to tell, I wasn't exactly unsympathetic to Akane's feelings either. She just had her whole world turned upside down, and had a hard lesson about real life literally beaten into her. Her whole frame of reference was shattered, and I was worried about what the picture was going to look like when she eventually put the pieces back together. Just in case you were wondering, I've never really studied psychology, unless you want to consider bartenders to be unlicensed therapists, which isn't too far off if you think about it. Those of us behind the counter get to hear about a lot of problems and life stories, and we're not too shabby at dishing out good advice either. Not to mention, a few beers or an order of okonomiyaki is a much cheaper fee than what professional shrinks charge you for their advice.

But enough about me and my hobbies. It was only a couple minutes until the start of class when Akane and her friends came in. Her face was swelling up pretty badly, and her face was stained with tears. She really should have gone to the nurse's office instead of coming to class. I was going to quietly get up and tell her so, but I didn't get the chance.

That many footsteps coming in must have clued in Ranma's subconscious that class was about to start. I guess it's sort of like those businessmen who can fall asleep on the train and wake up before their stop; ingrained behavior. At any rate, Ranma woke up and saw Akane.

"Geez Akane! What the hell happened to your face?"

The thoroughly miserable Akane gave him a look of hurt betrayal that even made me wince. What the hell was he doing? He'd made his point; he didn't have to rub salt in her wounds by mocking her too.

Akane's face slowly broke, and she burst into tears again. She dashed out of the classroom sobbing. Ranma stared after her with a look of worried confusion on his face.

"What did I say?"

At this point, I was starting to wish I had a mallet-making talent like Akane, or at least that I didn't check my weapons in my locker on the way to class (the teachers had become kinda insistent on that once they realized they weren't merely cooking implements). Not having those options, I marched up to talk to him.

"Ranma! What are you doing? I mean, the slap she had coming, but why are you doing this to her now?" I realized later that I even forgot to call him 'Ranchan'.

He blinked at me. "Slap? What slap?"

I frowned at him (and I wasn't the only one in the class doing so) but before I could press for answers, Miss Hinako walked in and wanted to start the class, so I had to go sit down.

When she got to Akane's name in the roll call, obviously no one answered. "Where's Tendou-kun?"

A student by the window pointed outside, saying. "She ran home."

Hinako-sensei blinked and zipped over to the window, where she could apparently see Akane running out the gates. "Why that naughty girl! How dare she skip my class!"

I felt the need to speak up in her defense. "Um... Hinako-sensei? I think she's actually going to see Doctor Tofu. She got... well... a bad bruise on her face and probably didn't want to risk it leaving a permanent mark."

Hinako blinked. "Oh, okay. We'll just call that 'medical leave' then, as long as she comes back after seeing the Doctor." I winced. Somehow I doubted Akane's be returning today. "How'd she hurt her face anyway?"

The whole room was silent, not a one dared answer. The odd thing was that Ranma had perked up curiously at the question, as though he wanted to know the answer too. Weird. Since no one else was talking, I decided to speak up again.

"She tripped and fell on the front step, Sensei." No sense getting Ranma in trouble with the school, I figured. He was going to be in enough when he got home. I wondered if I should go with him for support, but I decided to reserve that judgement until I could figure out why he was pretending ignorance about the whole thing. Soon as the next break hit, we were really going to have to talk.

***

Talking with Ranma didn't get any answers, only more questions. He honestly didn't remember what happened in front of the school. Ranma has a very honest and open face, and it's easy to tell what he's thinking. That's why he's such a lousy poker player. Lying is the one skill Genma didn't pass on to his son, or at least not the ability to do so credibly. He really didn't remember, which was really really weird. Come to think of it, his hitting her and talking like that was pretty weird in the first place.

I didn't tell him what he did, and he wasn't quite able to put the blank spot and Akane's face together (on rare occasions, it's good that Ranma's not all that bright). I suppose after our talk, he figured that Akane had somehow hurt her face during those few minutes this morning that he couldn't remember, but the idea that he had done it never occurred to him.

I decided that before I took him home, I'd better take him to Dr. Tofu's first. As soon as class was over, he and I went straight there.

Dr. Tofu frowned at Ranma the minute he saw him, which answered my question of whether or not Akane had dropped by to get her face looked at.

"Hold on a minute, Doc." I said before he could open his mouth. "It's not Ranchan's fault."

"I don't care what his reasons were. He had no right to do that." He said coldly.

Ranma just looked confused and a bit hurt.

"I don't think Ranchan was in his right mind at the time, Doctor. You have to admit, it doesn't sound at all like something he would do, does it. Add to that the fact that he can't even remember doing it... well I think all is not what it seems. Could you examine him to make sure?"

"Doing what? What did I do?" Ranma asked worriedly.

Dr. Tofu looked skeptical, so I decided now would be a good time to break the news to Ranma.

"Ranchan, you remember that huge bruise on Akane's face this morning?"

"Yeah? You still haven't told me how she got that." He asked warily.

I just sighed and pointed at him.

"Huh? You mean I did..." he trailed off as I began nodding sadly. "No... No Way! Aww God no! I would never do anything like that! Did you see the size of that bruise? Do you even know how hard you have to hit someone to leave a bruise that bad?" He was babbling now, but I answered anyway.

"Hard enough to knock her right off her feet. That was you, Ranchan." I said quietly.

Ranma was most definitely freaking out now. "No no no no no no no! I don't even hit her when we spar! There's gotta be some mistake!"

I think Tofu finally believed me. He came up and took Ranma by the shoulders. "Calm down Ranma. Let's take a look at you and see if I can't figure out what happened. Here, sit on the bed." He said, pointing to the examination table.

Ranma still looked scared, but he obeyed the doctor and answered all his questions as best he could.


Once the examination was over, the doctor confessed he could find little wrong with Ranma physically. His formidable skull remained uncracked and unconcussed.

"... Which can only mean your problem is more likely psychological, which I have to say is not my specialty. I may have to refer you to a specialist to fix this. Tell me Ranma, do you have problems with stress?"

"Me? Nah. I can handle anything."

"Are you kidding Ranchan? You've got enough problems to have multiple ulcers by now." I had to put in. Normally, I would keep anything Ranma told be in confidence private, but this was Ranma's doctor and he was most definitely not well.

"I see. I'm going to consult with some friends of mine in the psychiatry profession. Until then, all I can recommend to you Ranma is that you take it easy and try to relax."

"Fat chance of that." I said. "The minute he gets home he's going have the whole house all over him for giving Akane that bruise."

Ranma put his head in his hands and groaned.

"Hmm. Perhaps it would be best if I came with you to explain things." Dr. Tofu suggested.

"And maybe you should go in by yourself while we wait inside." I suggested.

"A very good idea." Tofu nodded.

I thought for a minute. "And, if you want to avoid the wrath of the Tendou's altogether, you can stay with me until things blow over. I've still got that spare room for you if you want it."

"Thanks Ucchan," he sighed, "but you don't have to do that."

"Ranchan! I'm your fiancée... and your friend. I'm going to help you get through this!" Damn. Now I was using the F-word. Oh well. Ranma really needed both right now.

"Let's keep that option open." Dr. Tofu suggested. "But let's test the waters at the Tendou place first."

"Alright." I said, and looked at Ranma. He reluctantly nodded.

***

Dr. Tofu had been the family doctor of the Tendou's for many years so he wasn't completely surprised at what he saw.

Soun was pacing back and forth in tears, alternating between sobbing and going into a small 'demon head' while making dire threats of what he was going to do to Ranma when the 'coward' finally crawled home. Genma was sitting with arms folded and scowling at the ground, muttering questions about where he had gone wrong with the boy. Nabiki was sitting at the table staring out the engawa with a look of cold fury on her face, no doubt plotting much more feasible methods of revenge that she could bring to bear on Ranma for harming her little sister. Kasumi was trying to calm her father down, but even she had a very distressed look on her face. Kasumi... Kasumi...

Er... best to keep his mind on the matters at hand. This was serious business here.

"Ahem!" Tofu cleared his throat and announced himself. Soun was immediately grabbing him by the gi and shifted into full sob-mode.

"Oh Doctor! Is my dear Akane going to be alright?"

"Of course, Mr. Tendou. It's just a bad bruise, and if she uses the ointment I prescribed her, there won't even be a mark."

Kasumi looked up at him and blessed him with a heavenly smile of gratitude. "Oh thank you Dr. Tofu."

"Ah... er... nothing to it. Now, we have serious matters to discuss, namely Ranma."

Soun's tears shut off immediately as he performed a full demon-head. "That little beast will pay for what he did to my little girl!" He snarled.

Tofu sweated a little under the psychological attack. "It wasn't Ranma who did it."

That, at least, got everybody's attention.

"What do you mean, Doctor?" Kasumi asked.

"Yeah." Nabiki frowned. "I was there watching the whole thing. It was Ranma who did it, and he threatened to break her arms too."

Tofu raised his hands before Soun could go into his demon-head attack again. "Everybody calm down. Obviously, it was Ranma, yet at the same time, it wasn't. Allow me to explain." He waited until everyone was sitting down and he had their complete attention.

"Now then," he readjusted his glasses, "from what I've been able to determine by examining Ranma, his very unusual behavior this morning was a result of massive amounts of accumulated stress overwhelming him. To put it another way, he temporarily snapped his mind. A few minutes later, he returned to normal, and he can't even remember doing what he did in front of the school. I'm going to talk with my collogues in the psychiatry field, but at first glance it seems to be a sort of split personality."

"Like Jeckle and Hyde?" Nabiki asked.

"Something like that. Now it's important to remember that the law recognizes that a person with this type of disorder is not responsible for the actions of the other personality, unless they intentionally avoid treatment. I think you need to adopt the same attitude. The person presently waiting outside the gate is not the same one who threatened and struck Akane this morning. In point of fact, he's horrified that it happened and rather terrified of the ramifications of having this alternate personality going around hurting people."

"Oh, poor Ranma!" Kasumi sighed.

"Poor *Ranma*? What about Akane?" Nabiki snapped.

"What happened to Akane is unfortunate, but blaming Ranma for it is not going to help. In point of fact, it would only make things worse." Tofu said calmly. "I believe this condition was brought about by excessive stress. Blaming him for something he can't even remember doing could trigger the other personality to resurface again. I've prescribed him a temporary treatment of rest and relaxation until a more complete diagnosis can be done by someone qualified. Once his exact problem is identified, then medication can likely be prescribed to prevent his alter ego from taking control.
"Until then, he absolutely *must* keep his stress level down. As is already obvious, someone as powerful as Ranma can be extremely dangerous if he cannot control his anger. No confrontations, no aggravations, and no accusations. Basically: stay off his back."

"We understand, Doctor." Kasumi said, and she did; though Tofu wasn't as sure about the others. "We'll do our best to keep him comfortable and calm."

"I suppose I can hold off on revenge until he gets better." Nabiki grumbled.

"Hmm, yes." Soun agreed, frowning.

WHAM! Dr. Tofu's palm impacted with the table, causing everyone in the room to jump.

"Absolutely not!" He snapped. "Ranma's condition has come about because his life is too complicated, with too many aggravations and frustrations! All the fiancées that pull him in different directions! All the challengers who blame him for things that aren't his fault! Every belittling, humiliating and yes, cruel thing that had been done to him by those around him had created this situation! I'm not just saying to grant him a temporary reprieve. I'm saying that all this has to stop, once and for all! You people are quite literally driving Ranma insane!" Tofu bellowed. He gave a hard stare at everyone around the table.

They were all looking at him with very wide eyes. They had *never* seen the good doctor lose his temper like this, and it went a long way to impressing them with the seriousness of this situation.

Kasumi looked rather hurt. "All of us, Doctor? Have we really all been doing that to him? Even me?"

Guilt assailed the good doctor. "Well to be perfectly honest, Kasumi, I can't think of anything you personally could have done to contribute to Ranma's condition. For the next little while though, it would help if you showed him a little extra compassion and consideration. I think he has very few people in his life who truly care about his feelings, or at least that's his perception. You could be a great help in that area."

Kasumi smiled, both in relief to discover she was not at fault, and because she knew that she could be of help. "I'll do that Doctor."

Tofu turned his gaze to the others. "The rest of you though, are guilty as sin. Like I've said, for the short term, you need to just back off. For the long term though, you need to stop giving him more problems and start helping him solve the ones he has. You Nabiki, would be remarkably good at that, I think."

She looked uncomfortable. "Me? Why me?"

Tofu smirked. "First, because you're very clever, and second, because you gave him a lot of his problems in the first place, so it stands to reason that you can undo your own work."

Her eyes darted about evasively. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Tofu gave her a look that would not have been out of place on a stern father (but she and her sisters had no idea what that looked like). "Don't think you can pull one over on me, young lady. I treated your first diaper rash."

Nabiki flushed. "Hey!"

Tofu grinned. "You never wondered who your godfather was?"

Nabiki's eyes went wide. She looked at her father, who nodded. "You're kidding me?"

"Nope."

Nabiki frowned in thought. "Wait, you aren't Kasumi's godfather, are you?"

Tofu shook his head. "I didn't take over my practice until about a year before you were born. Apparently I was such a help during your mother's pregnancy that she felt I had almost as much an invested interest in you as your parents did. I believe Genma is Akane's Godfather, which should tell you about how long ago they were planning this 'joining of the schools' business."

Nabiki files all this away for future reference. She looked at Genma and frowned. "You better not suddenly die on us, Daddy, or Akane is not going to be happy with you."

"Hey!" Genma snapped indignantly. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I think we all know what a stellar parent you are, Mr. Saotome." Nabiki said dryly.

Tofu brought this to a halt, as Nabiki was dodging his question. "So Nabiki, will you?"

"Will I what?"

"Will you try to dig Ranma out of some of the messes you've gotten him into?"

Nabiki had that evasive 'why are you trying to make me feel guilty' look on her face again. "I suppose I could try." She muttered.

Tofu nodded. "Good. Now where's Akane? She's a major contributor too."

Kasumi looked apologetic. "After she came home, she just went to her room to cry." She hesitated. "I could get her if you want."

Dr. Tofu put up a hand, feeling chagrined. "No, that's not necessary. I forgot that Ranma's not the only one stressed out today. Just make sure you bring her up to speed before she and Ranma see each other again. Her temper could easily tip the balance at this point."

Kasumi nodded. "Of course Dr. Tofu."

The doctor slapped his knee and stood. "Well, I better get back to the clinic. I've got a lot of phone calls to make. I'll send Ranma in on my way out."

Kasumi stood as well to see the Doctor out, and since his mind was no longer focused on the serious business of his visit...

Soun turned to his friend. "So what do you make of this, Saotome."

Genma scowled at the table. "What a weakling I've raised! A one little hectic day and he goes all to pieces!"

Nabiki sighed. In one ear and out the other. This wasn't going to be pretty.


Ranma and I had taken a seat against the outer wall as they waited for Dr. Tofu's return. we stood abruptly when the gate opened.

"So... Um... Doc, how'd it go?" Ranma asked hesitantly. The doctor had a big grin on his face, so that was encouraging.

The grinning Tofu walked straight up and clasped me by the shoulders. "Don't worry Ranma, I've explained everything! Mr. Panda's not even mad about the bruise you gave Nabiki."

"Huh?" I gawked, having not had the pleasure of seeing the good doctor go into one of his 'Kasumi Bliss' trances as of yet.

Ranma just smacked his forehead. "Oh no! He saw Kasumi and flipped out again. Who knows what the hell he told them?"

"What do you mean?" I asked him, and Ranma explained about Dr. Tofu's little crush on Kasumi.

"So how do we snap him out of it?" I asked

"I dunno. It usually wears off after while, unless he sets eye on her again or someone mentions her name."

If Ranma's situation had not been so serious, I might have found the whole thing funny, but Ranma's very sanity was depending on this man here who was presently examining Ranma's face, and saying "Your bruise is healing quite well Akane. I can hardly see any sign of it anymore."

I grabbed the doctor by his gi with one hand and began slapping him back and forth across the face until he caught my wrist.

"That will do, I think." He said, not especially impressed.

"Sorry Doc," Ranma said in my defense, "You kinda got... distracted."

He blinked at Ranma. "Oh... right. Sorry."

"So how did it go inside?" I demanded.

"Fairly well actually. I managed to keep control of myself until it was time for me to go. It should be okay to go in now. I'm really sorry about a minute ago. It's just that Kasumi is so... Kasumi... eheh... eheheh... whihihihihi!" Tofu began giggling madly and wandering down the street in the general direction of his clinic. I was about to smack him again but Ranma stopped me.

"Ah, let him enjoy himself, Ucchan. He's done all he's had to do for the next little while."

I sighed. "I guess so, but it's hard to believe we have to depend on that nut."

"Hey!" Ranma frowned. "Don't talk like that. When Kasumi isn't around, he's the most brilliant Doctor in Tokyo. I couldn't be in better hands... though timing is important." He grudgingly admitted. "When Kasumi comes by to visit him, all the smart patients clear out."

"Okay, I'll give him a chance." I said. To be honest, I'd heard of Dr. Tofu's excellent reputation myself, and had been keeping him in mind in case I ever came down with something. I also didn't want to get into an argument with Ranma, especially since we had to watch his stress level. I had utterly no desire to be slapped today. "Shall we go in?"

Ranma looked worried. "Yeah..."

I clapped him on the shoulder. "Hey, quit worrying! The Doctor said it was ok, right?"

Ranma nodded, gaining confidence. "Yeah. Alright, let's go."


Kasumi waited in the foyer for Ranma to return. Compassion and consideration; that's what Dr. Tofu said. Well, she could certainly spare a little of both for Ranma. She'd help him in any way she could, and hopefully, he'd be better soon. Compassion and consideration... Consideration and compassion...


Ranma found Kasumi smiling at him when he came through the door. "Uh... I'm home." He said nervously.

Kasumi looked at his worried face and sensed how vulnerable he was at the moment. She stepped toward him and embraced him. "Welcome home, Ranma." She said with much emotion, meaning every word and letting it show.

I admit I was surprised. I somehow doubted she greeted him this way every day (and if she did, then he and I needed to talk). Ranma wasn't moving or saying anything in response. I walked around to see him staring straight ahead like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Um... Kasumi? Maybe you should let him go. I think you're making him a bit... nervous."

Kasumi immediately pulled back and held Ranma by the shoulders examining his expression with concern. "Oh no! You don't think I've aggravated his condition, do you?"

I had to chuckle. "I doubt it, Kasumi. From my limited understanding, it's the less friendly kind of stress Ranchan's got too much of. People antagonizing him, accusing him, belittling him and making him feel worthless and small. Those are the kind of things we need to keep away from him. You just sort of... embarrassed him."

"Oh dear. Really Ranma?"

He reluctantly nodded. "Well... a little bit."

"I'm so sorry. I just wanted you to know I care about you, even if I never said as much before." She said sweetly.

"Well thanks. I... Oh no!" He groaned, putting a hand over his eyes.

"What is it Ranma?" Kasumi asked with concern.

"Don't tell me, my engagement to Akane is off, and now I'm engaged to you, right? No wonder you're greeting me like this!"

I looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Well Kasumi? Is it true? Do I have to consider you competition now?"

Kasumi giggled. "Oh no, Ukyou. I don't think of Ranma that way. He's sort of like... a little brother. Yes, very much a little brother to me, and I love him that way, very much." She said as she gave Ranma another hug. This time, knowing the reasons and being a little better prepared, he hesitantly hugged her back.

"Heh! You know, I don't think I'd mind having a big sister." He said after a minute.

A smirked at the two. "Well this is all very sweet, but I have to confess that I'm a little jealous. I don't suppose I could get some of that?" I mean, really! The only time I ever got to hug Ranma was when he was absolutely miserable, and that had only happened the once recently since we were kids.

"Of course Ukyou." Kasumi said, breaking her hug with Ranma, and coming over to embrace *me*. "I'm quite fond of you too."

I would have given a lot to see my own face at that moment, because judging by the way that Ranma was cracking up, it must have been priceless.

"Uh... this isn't exactly what I had in mind." I muttered.

"I know," she whispered in my ear, "but that" and she inclined her head slightly toward the laughing Ranma, "was what *I* had in mind."

I decided seeing Ranma laugh was worth hugging her back. "You're smarter than people give you credit for." I whispered to her.

"You should never judge solely by appearances." She said coyly, before letting me go.

I grinned and turned to Ranma. "Okay laughing boy, I hate to burst your bubble, but it's time to talk to everybody else."

That sobered him up a little, but he grinned again. "Okay, but if Nabiki hugs me, I'm assuming you've all been replaced by pods and running for my life."

"Fair enough." Kasumi smiled.

"Should I leave?" I asked Kasumi. "I mean, if Akane's back to her old self, if she sees me next to Ranma, she'll immediately get jealous and Ranma's stress level goes up another five notches."

Kasumi thought about it. "Akane's been in her room... thinking... for the whole afternoon. I don't know that she'll come down tonight even for dinner, so it should be all right. Just to be safe though, you might want to not sit too close to each other at the table... and no holding hands."

Ranma turned Red. "Kasumi! We don't... I mean... we're not...uh... like that."

Jerk. "Who says we're not?" I pouted. "We *are* engaged, you know."

"Ukyou..." Kasumi said in a mild warning tone.

"Huh?"

"Now is not the best time to be putting pressure on Ranma like that. Using a bit of guilt to get a man to pay more attention to you is alright most of the time, but we really need to try extra hard not to upset Ranma right now, at least until he starts taking his medication to control his other personality."

That hadn't even occurred to me. Sure I wasn't one of the major causes of this stress like Akane, Nabiki and Genma, but even I, who loved him dearly, could make things hard on him too sometimes. It was a sobering thought.

"You're right. I'm sorry Ranchan."

"Don't worry about it." He said easily.

With no more words, the trio entered the living room.

"Um... I'm back." Ranma said nervously. Normally, he would never be this hesitant or shy, he would just waltz right in with a casual greeting to these people as he went about his own business. Today was not normal however, today was the day he had effectively beaten on Akane, reduced her to tears for an entire day, and injured her face just short of the point where she might be permanently disfigured. These people he walked by everyday would now be entirely within their rights to throw him out on the street, despite both the doctor's and Kasumi's assurances that all would be well.

Soun frowned darkly at Ranma. "Yes... I can see that." Genma was sitting on the engawa, shaking his head in disbelief even as he hung it in his hands in shame. Nabiki was giving him a carefully guarded look, not really damning or forgiving, just one that told of not trusting him enough to turn her back to him for even a moment.

"Father..." Kasumi said in a warning tone. Soun sighed and relaxed, looking more weary than angry. "Yes, well. your doctor has ordered you rest and relaxation, so why don't you take a long hot bath and go to be early?"

Ranma blinked. Well that was... civil, at least. "I'll do that, Mr. Tendou."

Kasumi wasn't done yet. She marched over to Genma and stood over him with arms folded, waiting.

Genma too sighed, and when he turned his face showed a more grudging disapproval that Ranma had seen many times before, as opposed to the outright shame and disappointment that had surely decorated his features a moment ago.

"Alright boy, thanks to your doctor's orders, I suppose your training is on hold for now. I won't wake you up tomorrow, so set your alarm. I'd recommend you do some light calisthenics each day just to keep your blood flowing and your circulation healthy to aid healing."

Ranma blinked. "I don't think it's that kind of... illness Pop, but I'll take your advice anyway, if only to keep my body in good condition."

Genma grunted an agreement, then turned back to the open air of the engawa and looked up at the stars.

Last Kasumi sat down at the table opposite Nabiki and leaned her chin on her hands. Her stare was not harsh, or mean, or any kind of a scowl, but it somehow subtly ate away at Nabiki's nerves as though her gaze was of acid.

"All right already! Let me think for a while to come up with some ideas, alright?"

"What's she talking about, Kasumi?"

Kasumi smiled beatifically at her younger sister. "Nabiki has agreed to put her considerable talents to the purpose of undoing the many complications in your life that she has personally had a hand in to make money."

Ranma blinked. "You mean she's gonna fix up all the crap she put me through?"

"Yes."

Ranma turned to Nabiki, who was either thinking very deeply or sulking mightily, it was difficult to tell the difference. "Really, Nabiki?"

Now she whirled and almost snapped at him. "Yes, really! But this is really going to cost you--"

"Ahem." Kasumi cleared her throat.

"I mean... I'll give you the family discount."

"Ahem!"

Nabiki looked like she was trying very hard to keep that phony smile on her face, and it wasn't working. Slowly, as though trying not to vomit mid-word, she mumbled the following sentence.

"I will... perform this service, completely f-f-fr-fr-free of ch-ch-charge!" Nabiki was twitching and shaking with barely restrained... mortification.

"Mmmmm!" Kasumi hummed a pleased sound.

As Ranma went upstairs shaking his head in wonder (and after bidding me a goodbye. I just wanted to come in and make sure all was right and good for Ranma's recovery) and Kasumi returned to her kitchen, Nabiki began to mutter under her breath. "But I swear, Saotome, as soon as you get better, you are going to suffer like-

"AH-HEM!!!"

"I mean I'll clean you up and help you stay clean." Nabiki muttered, letting her forehead slam into the tabletop with considerable force.

"And let all ye know, terrible true be the wrath of Kasumi Tendou." She whispered.

"That's nothing! You should see when I'm really mad!" Kasumi called cheerfully from the kitchen.

Nabiki 'eeped'. The muttering before maybe, if she was only just around the corner, but how in the hell did she hear that whisper from the kitchen???

***

So, sugar, that was the first day of Ranchan's schizophrenia, and it only got worse after that. Still, I'm glad he managed to sort things out, but there had to be an easier way to go about it than he did. Now I've to jet, I've got a fitting at 2:30 for my wedding gown. We'll talk again soon, and I'll catch you up some more about what's been going on.

Come back soon!


End chapter 1

================================================================================
Notes:

Man, it's hard to write in the first person when you're not used to it. I kept slipping back into third person without realizing it. If you notice any spots where it's really obvious let me know and I'll try to fix it.

So, next time on MM&U:
-What's Akane's reaction going to be when she hears about Ranma's little problem?
-Can Ukyou and Kasumi really keep Ranma's insane life at bay until he can get help? (Oh come on! What would be the point of the story if they could?)
-Who will be the next to feel the wrath of Ranma's dark side?

C&C to little old me, at hinoron@hotmail.com