Title: I know it says something about a video diary, but it's got more storylines than a very short court case and is a bit mad. So it really has no title. Maybe later…

Genre: Humour, mild romance, a small amount of parody. Just a little bit of everything. Bake at 220oC and serve immediately.

Author: FicChick and Quillmagic. She wants me to say "TOTALLY RANDOM!" (woohoo). Thanks for that, Aish. Typed and edited by FicChick.

Reviews: Yes please, no flames, constructive criticism and madness acceptable.

Author's note: This story goes on a bit. It's taken us the best part of a year to write 16 pages. And it really stinks. Just kidding. It's just, totally random. And there is more to come, but I'm under pressure from fans that shall remain nameless (aye rite, Grace, Carly and Aoife), to post this. Also, it was written (or started, anyway) before the 5th book came out. And, if you see A/N it means that in the original version, the author of that particular section put in an author's note. If you see E/N (Editor's Note) it means that I (FicChick) have put in something that wasn't originally there. I don't think that makes much sense, but hey, does anything?

Disclaimer: Shakespeare owns Romeo and Juliet, and JK Rowling owns the gang and Hogwarts and all them peoples that we don't. No disrespect intended, JK. Or Warner Bros. Don't wanna get on the wrong side of them, do we now.….

Thank you. Now read this story.

Chapter 1: Diaries, Daredevils and Disasters

Ron's POV

'K well, hi video camera. This is sooo unlike Hermione, when she found out my secret she pointed and laughed for hours, I mean hours. Okay there was a split second when I thought she was going to stop but she didn't. So let me update you. (Takes a deep breath and fixes the camera)

Right. It all started when a month ago, when I started 5th year, I said, Hey it's a new year, still Harry's friend, bet there'll be more adventures. So I started to write a diary. Then Harry saw me writing in it one night and he said "Hey don't write in a diary are you NUTS?" I said ok yeah I am kind of and asked why. He said "Remember second year? Riddle's DIARY!" So we sat there a bit, just in a daydream of what happened. Then I told him how I really wanted to keep account, so Harry said, "Why not keep a home video thing?" So Harry explained about Muggle video cameras.

So I got one. Each night I talked to it. One day I go say to my camera that "I am addicted to Tweenies chocolate bars". You know, those muggle sweets. Next day what do you know, I go annoy Mione about being a know-it-all, so she went and was probably looking for dirt on me. So she goes into MY trunk, and takes MY home video tape. I knew I shouldn't have labelled it 'MY PRIVATE DIARY VIDEO DO NOT TOUCH OR YOU WILL FIND OUT REALLY EMBARRASING THINGS!' (Ron starts scribbling on his hand – Do not go drawing attention to things you shouldn't) Sorry about that, note to self.

Well anyway. She (gulp) found out about the Tweenies thing. She laughed for hours, I tell you! I bet she will tell everyone tomorrow. I hate her (eyes light up). Wait a minute.…. I shouldn't just hate Mione. It was Harry's fault; he made me do a home VIDEO diary! If it had been on paper I could have locked it! Curse you, Harry Potter. My life is over. Help.

(Turns off camera)

Hermione's POV

(Switches on camera. Bursts out laughing. Turns camera off, and calms down. Turns camera on again, angles it on bed)

So. Hi. This is my video diary. So I'm meant to tell you everything. So I will.

Today I found Ron's video diary. So I shouldn't have laughed. But he likes Tweenies chocolate bars? Maybe he's trying to chat up the camera or something. But that is just too far. I mean – Tweenies? (Bursts out laughing again, camera falls off bed.) Oops. (Picks up camera) I know it was stupid, because I wouldn't like it if he watched mine, but he like so should not have written 'Embarrassing things' on the cover.

So. Down to the nitty-gritty. Only Harry knows about this diary thing, unless he told Ron. And Ron gave me the idea (giggles). He mentioned me. A lot. (flicks hair like model in shampoo advert). B.….but he called me a.….a.….knowitall. (Bursts into tears). I mean, just cause he.….he.….is.….er.….Ron.….and.….I'm clever – So? I'll get more OWLs than him. HA! Who'll be laughing then? Probably Crookshanks.

Hmm…so, today. Well I had transfigurationpotionsarithmancyherbologyhistory-ofmagicandcareofmagicalcreatures (gasps for air). Hagrid had a manticore in class. A MANTICORE! It was the scariest thing I have ever seen! And, I mean, you can't kill it, or stop it attacking you. And I am so never going to run away from a manticore. Only interesting thing it did was bite off Draco's leg. Hagrid will never get out of it this time. Ha ha, only kidding. We did nifflers. Bo-ring

So nothing really interesting happened today. Oh yeah, we learned about cross-object transfiguration. Watch. (Transfigures her quilt) DAMN! Ohmygoshohmygosh OH MY GOSH! It's a.….it's a.….um.….(runs for book) It's a Quintaped! Aaah! (reads page ever so fast) Ok.….you're – gonnakillme. (Scratches head). Ack! What is…(pulls wire out of hair).….this? It's a microphone! RON! YOU ------ Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (drops camera on floor)

Ron's POV

(Just been talking to camera) Well then can you believe what Lavender said to Parvati to tell Harry to tell me.….(Hermione – "RON! YOU – Aaaaaaaaaaaa" etc etc) Hmm. Sounds like Mione. Well ha ha serves her right. Wait a minute; this could be one of those exciting parts of my year! Let's go and see, shall we? (picks up camera and films himself going to the girls' dorm.)

(Knocks on door) Mione what the hell are you doing? (Hermione – Nope not yet.…. Aaah!) Come with me, camera, as we enter the girls' dorm. (Kicks open door and puts camera on the table to film this important event.) So, Mione, what's up? (Hermione is shivering in a corner.) I bet she got an A- in potions not an A+ ha ha! I knew it! In yo face, Mione! (Hermione-"Aww I've done it wrong! Damn my rotten luck! All on camera!") So Hermione has just said it has all been caught on camera! Ha ha ha! And now look at her shivering in her corner ahahahahahahaha! Shove that up your ass, Mione! Mwhahahaha! (Hermione gives him an insane look) Ahem. I mean all is well and fine. (picks up camera and begins to film the girls' dorm) This is Mione, and this is……….(the Quintaped jumps from chandelier on to Ron's head, covering the camera.….)

No one's POV

Harry, who was happily sitting in his dorm, pondering over whether Cho would go out with him, suddenly heard another ear splitting scream. Harry quickly jumped to his feet and tied his bed sheet around his neck like a cape, puffed out his chest, put his hands on his hips, and stood posing for a while. Then he realised he should go save whoever screamed. He jumped on his broom and flew through the window. For some reason he was having problems with controlling his broom and zigzagged around until he found what all the noise was about. Hermione saw him, stopped screaming, and looked dreamily up at Harry, who was flying into the wall repeatedly. 'Ah, he is so graceful,' she said with her hands on her heart.

'Eh what?' came the muffled voice of Ron from under the giant Quintaped.

'Oh shut up Ron,' Hermione snapped, her eyes fixed on the "graceful" Harry.

Suddenly Harry caught the back of Hermione's robes with the broom, and zoomed out the window. 'Hey, Ron's got a big hairy thing on his face,' he thought out loud. 'Oh my god, my friend is hanging from my broom by her robes!' Harry then completely lost control and fell from the broom. He hit the ground, 50 feet below, with a thump. He looked completely paralysed as he grinned sheepishly at the sky.

'Aaaaaah!' Hermione screamed. 'Broom, put me down!' The broom gently lowered Hermione to the ground and zoomed back to the Gryffindor Broom store. 'Oh my god, oh my god, not Harry, not Harry, ok Hermione, deep breaths, deep breaths…OH MY GOD!' she yelled finally, sinking to her knees on the ground next to Harry, her arms outstretched and her face looking up to the sky. 'WHY HARRY?'

Meanwhile in Dumbledore's Office...

'Drat it, where is that elf? Dobby was supposed to bring me my tea an hour ago.' He put his hands in his pockets and continued to pace round in circles. 'Oooh! A knut!'

Back to the gang...

'Oh my god, oh my god!' Hermione was still hyperventilating.

'HARRY POTTER! You is come back to Hogwarts, sir, Dobby said bad things would happen if you is to return.' Dobby was running towards them, waving his finger in a supposedly patronising way. Then he realised…Harry Potter was hurt! 'Oh no, sir!' He slapped his forehead and scurried back to the castle.

In Dumbledore's Office...

'Where is my tea? I want some Tetley NOW!' He spun the Knut on the table for the 100th time.

Back to the gang...

Ron, with the Quintaped still stuck to his face, wrestled his way over to where he thought Harry and Hermione were. 'Nobody cares about me!' he sobbed.

'Shut up Ron,' Hermione said, and went back to her hyperventilating.

In Dumbledore's Office...

'I want tea! I want tea!' Dumbledore chanted, banging the Knut on the table with every word.

Dobby came running into the room. 'Dobby is so sorry he forgot Master Dumbledore's tea, he will iron his fingers for this,' he said, as Dumbledore took a long sip of his tea. 'But Harry Potter is HURT!'

Dumbledore spat out his tea, and in rushing out of the door, failed to notice he had tossed the cup out of the window.

(STOP! Let's see how everyone looked at it, shall we?)

Hermione's POV

Aaah my hero is so courageous, so selfless, so graceful so…aaaah! So.….can't.….breathe.….hanging.….from.….broom.….by.….robes.….but anything is nice when I'm with my darling Harry. (Harry says: Eh? Ron's got a big hairy thing on his face) Ok, so he's a little dim, but nobody's perfect (she sighs dreamily) Ohmygodohmygod my love has fallen off the broom! Deep breaths, deep breaths…Broom, put me down! Oh, my love, why you, my love? I know he wasn't very observant, god, but we could have fixed that. WHY HARRY?

Harry's POV

Ouch. That hurt. I think I must be too sore to move. Have I cracked my head? Hmmm.….pretty clouds.….Aaah.

Dumbledore's POV

(Dumbledore is sitting at his desk, twiddling his thumbs and humming) Where is that elf? He should have been here ages ago. Is it his day off? Oh, come on, I need my tea. (He walks over to the Pensieve, and swirls it around) Isn't it strange how all I seem to be thinking about is TEA! (Fawkes squawks loudly and bursts into flames) About time too. Aha! Hello Dobby! My tea? Thank you. (Dobby says: Dobby is sorry he forgot Master Dumbledore's tea but Harry Potter is HURT!) Oh drat it. No one told me Voldemort was here! Oh well, I better go and kill him. Oops! Would you look at that! My teacup has just collided with the window!

Harry's POV

Ow! That. Hurt. AAH AHH HOT LIQUID! PAAAAAIN! Oooh! Tea! (Grins demonically)

Hermione's POV

Oooh! Tea! From Heaven! Or Professor Trelawney! Oh, Harry's going to be just fine now, I can smell it in the air. Hope smells like tea.

Ron's POV

Stupid.….Hairy.….Beast.….with.….bad.….breath.….(Dobby comes running over and says: Haaaai YAH!) Oh dammit. Why'd he have to come? Oh! It's because…YOU CARE Dobby, you really do care about me! Thank you Dobby, I am forever indebted to you!

Dobby's POV

Take that and that and that and that and OOOOWWW! IT GOT DOBBY THE HAIRY STUPID THING! (Nurses large gash down arm, and keels over backwards.)

Ron's POV

Phewf. I can breathe. So. Back to the camera. This moron Harry's trying to impress the ladies. And again, failing miserably. Note to self: Never try to be noble. Does not pay. End note.

Dumbledore's POV

Oh drat this gammy leg. (Sees scene of destruction on lawn) Ack! I'm…I'm…TOO LATE!

Draco's POV

What the hell does that mudblood Granger think she's doing? She never looks at me like that.…. and what has that Weasley scum got? A camera! Aaah! My gel my gel my gel! Where's my gel? Oh yeah, in my dorm (He runs over and looks at his reflection in the lake, and the giant squid looks back at him) Oh no! I look awful! D'ya think Hermione goes for looks? Or…impress the camera… Too many choices!

Colin Creevy's POV

Look over here, Harry! Say cheese! Come on, Harry, you can't call that a smile…

Draco's POV

Damn it! For once in my life the attention isn't on me! Hmm…Ah ha! A book! (Hits himself on the head with book and falls over backwards).

Harry's POV

Attention seeking prat. Unlike me. Oi! Where are you going! Come baaaack! (Everyone goes off to look at Draco)

Draco's POV

Stupid Mudblood, can't she clearly see I am the BEST. Oh, lah-di-dah, my exam paper is on the grass lawn. Like anyone cares. Well, I suppose if I can get so much attention by hitting a book off my head, then it's no wonder the whole school swarms around Potter. Yet they seem to have left him lying on the lawn.…. ahh! There's an idea. (he yells with no expression in voice) Ahh! Aaah! Help me pleeease!

Hermione's POV

Oh that must be jealous Malfoy (Harry shouts: Oh, you're smart, aren't you?) Oh, shut up, Harry, and yes I am so darn smart don't hate me because I'm wonderful.

That night…

No-one's POV

(Scene – Hermione, standing at dorm window, looking dreamily down on Harry, who has been left, paralysed, on the lawn. It's 12.30pm, maybe Harry and Hermione are half asleep.….)

'But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Hermione is the sun! Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious Malfoy!' Harry said.

'Lumos. Oh! Shakespeare. JKR's having a good day.' Hermione muttered. 'O, Harry, Harry! Wherefore art thou Harry? Deny thy father, and refuse thy name, or, if thou wilt not, be sworn my love, and I'll no longer be a Granger. What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other name would smell as sweet.'

'Too far, Mione. So are you just gonna leave me here?'

'Thou wilt remain, for I fear that movement may pain you… I mean, we'll get you in the morning.'

Hermione slammed the window shut.

Next day...

Harry's POV

So it's Monday morning, back to class for some of us. So here I am, countless broken bones, you know, you'd think they would be a little bit more caring. After all, I told Lucius Malfoy I'd always be around to save the day. Oh, there's my class.….must.….shout.….after.….them….. HELP! HELP ME! Finally, the know it all has found me, the idiot. Wait, she didn't know I was here, did she? Oh, wait, she did. So it all comes down to not caring, does it now. She is going down, man. Well, once someone comes and saves me.….(pouts).

Hermione's POV

Oh, how could I have left my love down there? Maybe it's because my true love is Draco and we will get married. Then one day Draco will leave me and I will be forced to divorce him. Then I will marry Harry (Sighs). Or, maybe it's because I was cold. But I guess it will remain one of life's great mysteries.

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