Chapter I
POV Bella
Edward had come back for a month, a month during which I had done every single thing I used to do before this shitty birthday ... the very moment my life fell into darkness. It had lasted for about six months.
I had reconnected with the Cullens, except Jasper because I was afraid, but I didn't fear him. He was distant with me, his behaviour made me think that he wanted me not to look for his company. Alice, well, she was Alice. The night before, she had taken me for three hours to Port Angeles to go shopping. She even had me buy underwears which I was slipping under my babydoll nightgown made in dark blue silk that was getting off mid-thigh.
I glanced at the bathroom mirror. I quickly did my hair again and got out to join my marvellous vampire boyfriend who was waiting in my room, as he had done for the last month. I took a deep breath because today I was hoping to take a huge step in our relationship. I opened the door and noticed him lying on my bed, his arms crossed behind his head.
I thought "he's so gorgeous".
- You are amazing, Bella. Actually, there is no word to describe how beautiful you are. If my heart was still beating, it would have stopped the moment you walked through that door, my love.
- Thanks, I stammered.
I joined him in the bed, and in a moment of excitment, I sat astride on him. At the very moment I was going to bend on him to kiss him, he told me :
- Hold on, Bella. What are you doing ?
He sounded surprised but I was able to hear some desire in those words.
I thought "easy as cake". I answered :
- I just wanna sleep with the man I love. No more, no less.
Without any more explanations, I kissed him.
Surprisingly, he kissed me back with passion, but still with this crappy safety, that is to say forbidding me to french kiss him. It angered me. I walked away from him, ignoring my wish to go on and yelled at him :
- Stop trying to forbid your mouth !
- I can't, my love, it's for your security, please stop ...
He added quietly, caressing my cheek with his frozen fingers, which made me want him more :
- You know I want it as bad as you do, but I just can't ...
I shut him down, squeezing my first finger upon his lips, showing him I was fed up with this explanation.
I understood that I didn't stand a chance, this scene had been happening for the past five days.
He tucked me, offering his arms. I put my head on his chest and he sang to me, my beautiful lullaby, as he did every single night. Except that the next day, it would be Saturday and this meant that he would be there when I wake up.
Morpheus welcomed me in his universe a few seconds later.
« I was lying in our glade, Edward by my side. He was caressing my abdomen where he lingered. Then he slipped his hand to my cunt wet with pleasure.
Few minutes later, I was overwhelmed with well-being.
I pulled him to my lips by the hair and he started to kiss me impetuously, letting our tongues sketching a sensual dance. Without even realizing, I felt something cold and stiff near my privacy and... he entered. I groaned upon his lips, he grunted upon mine.A long choreography came with this, a choreography made of comings and goings, slow, but deep.
After what I believed to be hours, I started to come around his lith. We let us enjoy the sin of the flesh.
After a trip to the seventh heaven, he wame next to me on the blanket and I let myself fall in his marble-made arms.
Without me realizing, a wintry wind whipped my face and the next moment I was alone in this glade. I started calling for Edward when I woke up. »
- Shhh, it's okay deary, it was a nightmare, I'm here, I'm right here.
- Edward, I'm so sorry, I said, snuggling into the arms of my adonis.
- It's okay, go back to sleep babe, I'm with you.
- No, I don't wanna sleep any longer, what time is it ? I asked.
- Early, too much early to wake up, go back to sleep please, he said to me. His voice sounded different ... Like a supplication.
- NO, I don't want to, and since you won't tell me what time it is, I'll take a look.
I did what I said and looked the alarm clock which was showing 3:46. Holy crap, it sure was early.
Edward didn't say a word. It wasn't his usual behaviour, and I didn't look forward. I sat next to him. I looked at his crotch wich was ... well ... plumper. Erected.
I hardly swallowed my saliva and wondered what Edward could think of to react physically, because even during my vain attempts to seduce him, he never reacted this way. And I wondered ...
- What are you thinking of, Bella ? Still this wrinkle between the eyes ? he asked me, interrupting my interrogations.
I noticed at that very moment that he was sitting on the bed, and that his face was very close to mine.
- Well, I was wondering the exact same thing. What were you thinking of ?
- Nothing my love, just that I love you and I don't deserve your love.
- Okay, but then explain me why you were erecting ...
Edward put his hand on my mouth to shut me up, glowering at me, which made me blench. He told me, with a voice I hadn't ever heard :
- To make it simple, let's say that you forgot you were talking while you sleep, and this time your body expressed itself too ...
He looked down to his erection. I remembered my dream and I certainly became scarlet.
- I'm so, so, so, so, so, so sorry, I didn't mean to ...
- Shhh, don't apologize, I can't blame you for anything. I'm the only culprit in this, beacause you are no longer 18 and you are sentenced to chastity as long as you choose to love me. I do owe you an apology. Forgive me my love.
- Well, to be completely honest with you, I have some trouble ... I want you, but I love you, so I will hold on until I graduate, and then Carlisle will turn me. Then we will be able to express our love for each other.
After this talk, I fell asleep hearing my lullaby, in the arms of the man I loved, and whom I loved for ever.
The days went by and a routine came with them. Ewdard came to pick me up in the morning, dropped me home in the evening and came back when Charlie was asleep, but something- some things- had been tickling me for a while.
I needed to tell Edward about it as soon as I get in the car.
The bell rang and I got out of class as fast as possible and joined my vampire, who was waiting for me near his pretty Volvo. Once inside, I initiated the conversation.
-Edward, I wanna go to see Jacob at the Push ...
I saw he was going to protest, so I added :
- And I'd like to have a talk with Jasper, cause I can't stand this situation anymore. I need to make it clear. I think he hates me, and I want to know why.
- Oh, my love. He doesn't hate you, he ... Look, I drop by the villa to discuss with him, but about the cur ...
I stared at him, very anger.
- Let me reformulate. About Jacob, I don't want you to go there, it's too dangerous for you, I don't want you to be in danger.
On those words, he started out and I deduced the discussion was over. But on the good side, Edward was gonna talk to Jasper about my discomfort regarding the distance he was building between us.
When we got to the villa, Edward asked Jasper to go with him outside. Alice's face was split in two by a wonderful smile.
We were talking for about 15 minutes when the boys walked through the front door. Emmett made a salacious joke, as usual. Edward went upstairs without looking at me, and then everybody but Jasper had disappeared. He squatted in front of me, and told me calmly :
- Bella, I want to apologize for the distance I dug between us, but I thought that you wanted it, I do suffer from this gap between us. I am the only one who do not have a relationship with you, and you soon will be part of the family as a vampire, so what can I do to change this situation ? I will do everything you ask, except turning you right now, he told me smiling.
- Well, I didn't think I'd win this. I mean, I thought you hated me ... I didn't think about it, so do you have an idea, because I don't, I said, embarrassed.
-What would you say if I took you to dinner tonight ? Do not worry, before both of you arrived, Alice saw my discussion with Edward, with you and she saw us in a resaurant in Port Angeles and there was no dead person ... but me, of course.
His smile was sadistic at this moment, and it chilled me.
- I'd very love to go to the restaurant with you tonight, but one, Charlie probably won't agree, and two, I don't know if Edward will accept to let me go with you on my own. Don't mean to offend you, but he's really choking sometimes.
- I understand ... I am going to bring good news. Alice called Charlie half an hour ago asking him if you were allowed to go shopping with her in Port Angeles, and Edward will not be a problem, he knows that I can control myself.
- Come pick me up at 7 PM and we'll go dinner, well, I'll have dinner in front of you. Don't bite me, I teased him.
And at this moment, I didn't know what went through my head. I bent over and hugged Jasper.
POV Jasper
She barely finished her sentence that her warm arms were all around me. I did not know how to react, or what to do. I had never, never, hugged someone, except vampires, and this made me feel weird.
I was paralysed and stark as a stake. I even stopped breathing, but I felt her heart beating against my chest, and this was starting to fog my spirit.
I called Edward by thoughts and two minutes later, Bella was in the arms of my brother, and I felt Alice in mine.
POV Bella
I didn't know why I did that, mais when I saw his reaction, Jasper didn't like it.
I was in Edward's arms, and I just wanted to cry. Don't ask why. Jasper said earlier that he didn't hate me, but I felt rejected by his frigidity while I took him in my arms.
Several minutes went by, and Edward drove me home, saying I still could cancel the dinner with Jasper, but deep inside, I didn't know why, I didn't want that. I wanted to go dine with him, to get to know him better, to know a Jasper while I was a human being, as I did for every Cullen.
That way, when I will be like them, there won't be any difference in the affection I have for them.
Edward dropped me home and kissed me wishing a good night. He told me that with Emmett, Alice and Rosalie, they were gonna hunt on the border of Canada et that they wouldn't be here before the next morning, but that if there was a problem, he would come within the hour. He told me that Carlisle and Esmee stayed at the villa in case of a problem with Jasper. But Alice didn't see anything wrong.
I got out of the car and watched him go away with the odd feeling that my life was gonna to change, big time.
POV Edward
Alice told me that if I tried to stop Bella from going to this dinner with Jasper, she would never forgive me, and be very unhappy. And the day I came back from Italy, I swore I would never hurt her again.
I had to go hunting with my siblings, but before that I had to ask Carlisle and Esmee to watch the night of my dear Bella, because I did not trust Jasper, and he did not trust himself. I could not stop reading his mind which revealed me he was wondering about the progress of the night.
But he was pushed by Alice who confirmed 99% sure there would not be any incident during the meal. Jasper pleased her by going. Plus, I knew he did not hate Bella, but I also knew he did not want this dinner. He did not like her meaningless human nature.
POV Jasper
I kissed Alice one last time, look Edward and mentally asked him if he had not changed his mind.
There were a lot of feelings coming from him : fear, anguish, but also resignation. I understood that he was like me, he wanted to please his soulmate.
I took the keys of the Mercedes of Carlisle and drove to my suffering.
And I meant it !
A night with Bella ... I appreciated her, but she was a human being, nothing but a human being.
Having to spend an entire night in a restaurant, faking to eat a little because surrounded by human beings, each one more annoying than the other, and whom big deals would be mainly sex, it was definitely a crappy night.
I stopped the car in front of Bella's, I got out but I saw that she was already out and reached the passenger door. I installed behind the flywheel while she was sitting on the sit next to mine.
The rest of the way was silent. Not emotionally, because Bella was a distraction on her own. If I were blind, I would think that we were more than two in this car.
Fear, anguish, joy, apprehension, stress and a feeling I could not identify, which was a premiere, were flooding the car.
POV Bella
I didn't know what to think, I was just crazy.
Ever since I sat on this f***ing seat, I felt an attraction towards the driver : Jasper.
Jasper, not Edward.
This had to be a nightmare, because I wasn't dreaming.
I felt the exact same attraction than one I felt towards Edward, the time we watched a video in our biology class, when I arrived in Forks.
To put my ideas back together, I put my hands on my head and tried to think about Edward, his hands upon my body, his kisses, the friendly cuddling with Jasper ... Stop !
I thought "poor thing, stop thinking, it will be better".
I glanced at Jasper, he looked calm, very calm compared to me. I told myself I was crazy and stupid. I wanted to ask him to turn around when all of the sudden he stopped and looked at me :
- Bella…
He whispered it, a whisper, and I wondered if I was supposed to hear it.
- Yes. Is there a problem ?
- Actually, yes, there is a problem. A huge problem !
- Look, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have forced you to be my friend ...
I duck my head because I didn't think a word, I felt weirdly still. Maybe Jasper was sending calm waves to me.
- ... I wouldn't blame you if you turned around, I added.
POV Jasper
I could not believe it !
My body had been attracted to my right side, this was Bella, for a large moment, and right at this moment, she asked me to turn around !
The moment I was going to stard out, I felt a huge wave of serenity, and this unknown feeling hit me right in the face.
Without realizing ot, I was lips-on-lips with Bella Swan, the wife of my brother, the best friend of my wife, a meaningless human.
I was going to stop this kiss when I felt her moving her lips, responding to my desire. I responded to her kiss with even more passion.
I, Jasper Cullen Hale, disconnected from the world for a while, tasting Paradise, the lips of this little human being, that were sending waves and waves of pleasure and desire. The only thing I was aware of were my hands on the side of her face, and her hand in my hair.
POV Bella
Oh God, oh God, what was wrong with me ? I loved Edward, despite that I was kissing Jasper, his brother. It had to stop !
But when I wanted to repel him, my hands decided to go in his blond hair.
I was a ragdoll, linked to his lips since I didn't know when, I actually started to feel the lack of air in my lungs, so I forced myself to let his lips go, mentally slapping me thousands of times.
I did it and opened my eyes to see those gold-colored eyes of Jasper staring at me, probably looking at me the way I was looking at him.
Without a word, I went back on my seat. During the kiss, our bodies naturally moved to the center of the car. I looked right in front of me. I didn't know what to do. I was feeling guilty towards Edward more and more.
If he learned it, he was going to dump me for good and I wouldn't survive, not a second time. Plus, at this very moment, he probably was on the road to come and kill me bare handed, Alice must have seen all the scene ...
I felt the giant hole in my chest, I heard sobs too. I looked to Jasper who was focused on the road, sqeezing the wheel too hard, but he didn't say anything, he wasn't crying either.
Where did those sobs come from ?
I looked at the radio. It was off. And then, the illumination.
"You silly girl, Bella, you are the one who's crying".
I felt the car stop, but I wasn't able to move, the hole in my chest paralysed me.
POV Jasper
I had been in front of her house for 5 minutes, but she did not move. I was feeling this terrible pain she was sending to me, and I wondered how she could bear it. I did not say anything, I did not even say a word, I did not know what to say. I just thought that I was a dead vampire, because if Edward did not kill me, my wife would.
Alice, my Alice whom I just offered a vision of me kissing another woman, even worse, her best friend, her sister, the wife, more the soulmate of my brother.
And just like a fool, I was there, holding this stupid flywheel and looking forward. I wanted her to get out, I wanted her to never have come into our lives, because ever since she had arrived in Forks, my life had changed, my family watched me even more, with a recurrent feeling : the lack of trust.
There had been this incident, I wanted to kill her to deal with this. I had a huge fight with Edward, and Alice.
Without mentioning the void Bella left after the incident of the birthday in the heart of my entire family, the loathe she was feeling. Even Alice did, a particle in the universe, but it was here.
And here I was, I just cheated on my wife, the one who had shared my eternity, my absence of life for so many years, the one who taught me how to live in an other way. Not in loathe and wrath.
POV Bella
At this moment I felt the overwhelming rage. I looked at Jasper, who was still staring at what was in front of him. He sent me loathe ... and then I got that it came from him. He was blaming me, hating me.
I hated myself, I wanted to die, I didn't want to face Edward telling me he was leaving again.
Mecanically, I raised my hand and slapped Jasper with all the rage I had. He didn't even move? What the hell ?
Let him kill me ! I was dying, I didn't deserve to live any longer. I didn't want to.
But Jasper wouldn't react.
POV Jasper
I felt a breath upon my face, my cheek, but I did not look.
It got worse since Bella started to strike my chest. But there was something worse.
- Kill me, f*ck, do it, I'm begging you, I'm dying, ever since ...
She did not finish the sentence.
I blocked her fists which were still hitting me. I took her in my arms, got out of the car and climbed the house to her room. I dropped her on the bed, and without a glance, I got out of there. I began to run as fast as I could.
At this very moment, while I was thinking about the way I was going to make amend to Alice, I felt empty. I decided to keep running as far as I could from this little house which was filled with sobs.
I realized that I could not bear this guilt any longer, because this feeling was mine, I was not close enough to Bella to feel hers.
POV Alice
I was singing in the car in order to drive Emmett and Edward crazy when a vision numbed me.
"Jasper leaving Forks, I was curled in fetal position in our bed, Edward caressing my hair, Esmee" rubbing my back".
"Edward, turn around. Now !" I thought.
POV Bella
He was gone, without biting me, without feeding, without a look, and I didn't know what hurt me the most.
I was tired with my life, all this pain that I was enduring. I couldn't walk without falling, or unpack a damn gift without cutting my hand and trigger a reaction which left me dead during a long time and now, the kiss with Jasper without knowing how or why.
- Why, why ?
- Bella, my love, what's wrong ?
- Oh, Edward, don't leave me, please, it didn't mean anything, I love you, I ...
- What's going on, honey, I'm not leaving you, I just went hunting, I'm not leaving you, he said.
POV Edward
God, forgive me, she suffered again, she felt abandoned.
I took her in my arms and lied on her bed. I caressed her back, telling her I loved her, that I was not leaving her, that I was not going to go hunt that far anymore, I apologized.
Then, after stopping the sobs, I started singing her the lullaby, and she fell asleep in my frozen arms.
This night, I didn't care about it, because I knew that deep inside, she just wanted to feel my presence.
I didn't stop singing the lullaby and I promised that I wouldn't ever go away from her, except on her demand. I even thought that if she asked me to turn her agin, I would be selfish and say yes, because I loved her, and I wanted her by my side for ever.
POV Jasper
I had been running for a while when a familiar smell tickled my nose.
- Victoria, I said.
I began to follow her, the track was recent : Victoria was here. Maybe I could hit her to forget this anger, this wrath I felt inside.
A few minutes after, I literally fell on her. I did not want what she was doing there, I jumped.
She did not even get a chance to fight, I was already ripping her head off without any trouble.
I slowly ripped all her members -I did not use to do so- and I took some boughs in order to build a fire. I grabbed what remained from Victoria and threw them in the blaze. The remains were gone.
I was proud, because I did not lost my military style after all those years.
I sat in front of the spectacular purple flames and all I could think about was that this woman joining the man she used to love.
What was wrong with me, I was no woman ! I thought.
I had to face the truth, if I died, I would be alone on the other side and when my dear Alice would leave this world for the other, she would not join me.
I started sobbing for the first time in my whole life, but there were no tears. A stabbing sore throat replaced the need of feeding.
POV Alice
It'd been a while since I jumped out of the Volvo to go find Jasper in the woods, his smell, because if he came to leave me, I would not survive. I loved him, he was my world, I had been waiting for him so long.
When I saw him in that restaurant, I knew that I would die with him by my side. He had no right to leave this way, without explaining.
Looking for Jazz, I saw a purple fog raising in the air. I went that way. As I came closer, I smelt a familiar odour.
"Jazz", I thought.
I didn't look further, and once next to the blaze, I jumped on him. He was sitting, watching the remains of what I supposed was a vampire. But I did not care. I kissed him all over his face, and started to open his shirt. I felt so good when he responded to my caresses.
POV Jasper
I was a vampire and I was dreaming.
I was dreaming that Alice and I were having sex in this forest, as if our non-lives depended on it.
Our bodies were dancing, I came into her brutally and sensually. She was moving her hips to respond to my comings and goings. I grunted like never before because I feared that I might wake up.
- I love you, Alice, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I really do. I was saying those words like a prayer.
- Then don't leave me, Jazz, I love you, please stay with me, what did I do wrong for you to runaway without a word ?
- I ... I ...
I had to admit that I did not get it. She did not see anything, she did not see me kissing this rotten human being in the car ?
- Come back, Jasper, come back to me, love me, I'm begging you.
- I am not leaving you, Alice, oh, my dear Alice ...
And then, I kissed her with passion.
