The short blonde vocalist — the way he made my heart race when he looked at me. The way my heart ached when I looked at him. It was something I could never understand; why did I care about someone so much that I hurt myself in the process of doing so? Why did I repeatedly love someone that could never love me back? Did I secretly enjoy the heart wrenching pain it gave me? The endless nights of being unable to sleep, did I secretly enjoy that too? Love was something I could never understand, it made no sense.

I was a hopeless romantic; I always searched for love everywhere I went. I always hoped to find that one person someday that I could spend my days with and talk to for hours on end. I knew it would never happen though. My heart would always belong to the blonde and I could never do anything about it but smile and act like nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong though.

It was wrong that I had feelings for him; he was my band-mate, my best friend. It was wrong that I was nothing but nice to him when he was a complete and utter asshole to me. It was wrong that I never stood up for myself or told him that it bothered me the way he acted towards me. It was completely and utterly wrong that I got so worked up and depressed over him. I was just so lost; I didn't know what else to do but be depressed.

I would lie in bed for hours on end every night and tell myself that I needed to get over him. Toshiya, you need to get over him. Get over him. Toshiya, you could do so much better. I always told myself those kinds of things. I could find someone so much better than the blonde, I knew that much. I didn't want to though. I wanted to get over him so badly but every cell in my body told me that I loved him and my heart wouldn't let me. The feeling of being madly in love with somebody had to be the worst feelings ever. The way the feeling makes your heart ache with loneliness from time to time. The way you care so much about them and they can never give you the same type of love back..

The feeling of being madly in love with someone had to be the best feeling in the world as well. The way your heart jumps and races whenever the person you love talks to you, accidently touches you, or just looks at you. Knowing that you actually have something to look forward to when you woke up, that was the best. It made you feel like you actually had a reason for living. Whenever the person you loved acknowledged you could never help but smile and feel like the luckiest person in the world on the inside.

It was like a spell. The short blonde put me under a spell that I could never break. The way he moved his hips during lives, the way he screamed his heart out while singing, the way he put so much effort into his music career. His passion for music attracted me in a way that I will never be able to describe in words. He poured his heart and soul into every word he sung and every word he wrote.

God, He fills me with all this confusion, hate, anger, sorrow, love, just every possible emotion. I got so angry at him for so many things I should hate him for but I could never bring myself to do so. No matter how many times he took a joke to far or how he accused me of lying all the time. Always calling me a lair and acting like a bitter heartless asshole but then he turned into this sweet, caring man who wouldn't do anything but try to make you smile.

Maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe he knew how he affected me and constantly did it on purpose just so he could watch me suffer. I wished he knew how badly he made my heart ache and made my head hurt. That would never happen though, he could never know how madly and utterly in love I was with him.