Mario got a card through the post.
"I've been kidnapped, save me Mario!" said the card. It was from Peach.
"Oh, for fuck's sake", said Mario. He had to rescue this bitch all the time.
Mario was particularly pissed off because he hadn't had a proper plumbing job in years because he was always busy saving Peach. Surely she could just, y'know, get better security? Stupid cow.
To be honest he only became a plumber because those porn films made it look much better than it actually was. He did, however, fail to question why the plumbers in those films never did any plumbing.
He also had a job as a doctor! He knew sweet FA about medicine, but that's okay because being a doctor is easy. All you have to do is palm people off with tablets.
Anyways he was walking through this generic looking World 1-1 where he saw some Goombas. One of them was called Sam. He jumped on their heads and killed the fuck out of them.
He also obliterated some Koopas, though one of the bloody things rebounded off a wall and hit him. Fuck.
A while later he got to a water level. He picked up a fire flower and threw fireballs at the fish. FUCKING PHYSICS, HOW DO THEY WORK?
Then he went to what looked like Bowser's Castle. Turns out it wasn't. He had a fight against Wendy O'Koopa, but she's obviously useless because she's a Milli Vanilli fan. Peach wasn't in this castle. Mario wondered why he didn't stick a fucking tracking device on the woman.
Mario then got mad. Like, really fucking mad. He took it upon himself to build a giant-ass fucking mech (this thing was 30 fucking feet tall) with machine guns and rocket lanchers and the whole fucking lot, with which he decided to use to DESTROY THE FUCK OUT OF THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM. Yeah, he was mad.
All that could be heard was the satisfying crunch of dead Goombas and Koopas. Mario got closer to the real Bowser's Castle (which he knocked down with the previously mentioned mech). There he found Peach in bed with Sonic.
"You fucking furfag whore!" shouted Mario. But it was okay, Peach wasn't particularly impressed with Sonic.
"I know you said you were fast…" said Peach. Sonic fucked right off. "Oi, Mario, get in here. You took your fucking time!".
And thus Mario got laid. Luigi stood sobbing in the corner because he knew he was forever alone. Toad offered to give Luigi head, but he knew it wasn't the same. He knew Mario was fucking the fuck out of that princess.
