The Highest Hopes

"Here,take him."Shepard ordered James,giving him Alenko's arm. Kaidan hesitated leaving her,but he had no choice. He reluctantly crossed his arm over Vega's shoulder,shouting her name. He stared back at her.

"You gotta get out of here."Shepard ordered them,but Kaidan couldn't accept it. He couldn't just leave her behind,get into Normandy and leave. It was wrong. So fucking wrong.

"Yeah,that's not gonna happen!"Kaidan told her,somehow a bit decisive. He seemed determined to stay there,fight,be with her. However,Commander had a different opinion about it. Victorianna had to make sure he was safe.

"Don't argue with me,Kaidan." Shepard tried to shield herself behind her emotions for him and her determination to the purpose she was set to finish. She looked at him through the eyes. Her words were stable,warm and leaving him no choice but obedience. Nevertheless,Kaidan didn't seem able to give up on his powers and his love.

"Don't leave me behind..." his last attempt to persuade him seemed to occur in vain but her felt that he had try. His voice was unusually low and emitting a pleading tone. Shepard's violet eyes were stuck in him. She understood. She knew.

"No matter what happens..." Victorianna spoke out as she approached him. A smile started to be drawn in her face,consisting of hope,warmth and affection.

"...know that I love you. Always..."she said,as the distance between them became even smaller. She saw his face,full of blood splats. His brown eyes took a honey color,as light fell in full force on them. He looked hesitant,like his ears misheard,fuck the noise around him. Still they did not. And the slight stroke of her thumb at his cheek,confirmed her words. He could feel the cold metal of her amour,but underneath he thought of her slim fingers. The traces of her skin he charted and loved.

He remained a bit silent for a few second. He breathed and said what he had to say,what it was expected to be heard. His hand touched her palm. He held it for a moment,a perfect moment in an unperfect place,in the unperfect time.

"I love you,too..."he slowly whispered. Shepard felt content,that smile still struck in her lines,an expression she didn't use that often,but when she did,it made Kaidan the happiest man alive. He wanted to kiss her once again,to eternally keep the taste of her lips in his mouth,to have the aerie of her breath into his lungs,to keep a part of herself in him.

She let go of him. The more she stayed,the more painful it would get for both. Her face was showing promise and hope. The eyes speaking her return in his arms.

"Be careful..." he advised her,as his hand stretched to leave her palm. Shepard stepped backwards,still hopefully staring at him,before turning her head and noticing the Reaper above their heads...She had no choice...She had to save the crew,she had to save him.

"GO!" Shepard shouted her final order. Kaidan was stuck. His eyes were slowly getting wet and his eyebrows took a shape of desperation and guilt. His hand was still outstretched,trying to get hold of her once again. He felt his wrinkles giving him pain,while new ones seemed to pop out from nowhere. He could not just go,but the array of choices was weary. His hand fell down on his hips and the last thing he remembered was her running through the beam. James lead him backwards,and the door closed,as the rest of the soldiers went in...

Kaidan's brain entered in pause mode. He couldn't think,he couldn't see. Numbness and devastation were the things he felt growing deeper and deeper. Not again,not for the third fucking time. That was a torture,nothing more and nothing less...


James led him to the Med Bay. He heard Doctor Chakwas asking him to take of his armor. When he removed all the pieces of his protective metal around him,he could feel his body ache,the wounds were more intense than he could imagine,as a huge burn mark took its position on his leg. Karin applied as much medi-gel as she could but the damage should be healed by itself. And even if this kind of wound could be healed,time after time,the deep hole in his heart would never be filled.

Garrus was there,his eyes carefully examining Kaidan. His shoulders were hunched and his gaze fell on the floor,his fists a concrete power resting empty on his feet. What the turian could say which could console him? Vakarrian was never a master of speech and in cases like this one,words seemed to pointlessly fail him. However,knowing Shepard and what a stubborn piece of woman she is,Garrus could only hope that she will get through,come back and tell them that "...it was a hell of a practice".The turian smiled under his mandibles. The best damn soldier he had ever met had to come back alive or else he could never forgive her for not allowing him to pay these drinks.

Kaidan was helpless,alone,desperate and broken like a mirror's shattered pieces. Sharp and lethal,these pieces bled through his heart. He wanted to scream,he needed to cry,to smash the pain away. He found an uncharted urge to break something. He couldn't. He just couldn't.

Everyone gathered up at the med-bay,orbiting Kaidan. Tali felt lucky wearing her mask,her face was a horrible mess. Liara,who always had a way around the words,felt breathless. James had a much more concentrated look,however he felt like he was deceiving the others and more importantly,himself. Even Javik had shown a glimpse of emotion. But the worst was Kaidan .He felt an ugly deja-vu hitting him again. The funeral,her empty coffin,tears,rain,black,voices,cries...

"Not again,please Vicky .Don't...I...I...love you...Fight,like you always do..."silent sobbing stroke him hard. And his biotics operated,a blue dim light flashing the room. Chakwas and Liara tried to settle him down. He resisted. He denied the truth.

And then it came.

A red explosion, something bigger than life. She made it. The Crucible fired.

The spasmodic fall of a mechanic body followed,Tali and Garrus approached EDI's lifeless body.

And the ghostly taste of her strawberry lips brushing his,a passion he never felt before,the touch of her fingertips on his cheeks and all the small things he loved on her transfixed into a mixture of affection and pain.

Her dogtags. They exchanged dogtags that last night on the Normandy,before getting to Cronos Station.

I will give you a part of me

My identity

And you will give me yours

Like halves of the whole

We'll meet in a new world

Her name was encarved there. And Kaidan felt that he was holding her tags so tightly,that he realized the smell of the blood drops on the floor. Her name was filled with his blood,And his heart was full of her memories...


A heavy chest. Like all the heroics she did fell up on her,in the form of uncivilized debris .A clinging sound ticked through her ears. Kaidan's dog tags. She could not see a thing. Her existence fell failing,unable to move and adjust.

Her thoughts were her only lull at the time being. His voice and his lips. His embrace. The way he made love to her,simply yet powerfully,lovingly and sweetly. Their first kiss. His warm whiskey colored eyes .Anything and everything which indulged Shepard to fall in love with his incredible man.

Her crew. Garrus and his obsession with calibrations. Liara and her love for the mysteries of the past. James and his silly nicknames. Tali and her passion with engineering Cortez and his gentle manners. Traynor and her signal observation abilities. Joker and his sarcastic remarks. Javik and his dysfunctional settlement with the reality. EDI and the human related questions. All the people who stood by her side and fought every unpredictable odd thrown at them.

The Normandy. Her home,her ship. What guided her way through the galaxy and opened her eyes,as human,as soldier,as a tiny part of this massive Milky Way. The marvel of co-operative engineering between humans and turians was under her command and she lost it in a glimpse of seconds. Once,twice.

Victorianna felt odd,like she was stuck in a state between life and death. Unable to move she just waited to die in peace.

At least not today. Because a familiar female voice broke the deadly silence and gave Vicky a motive to keep hoping. The voice came closer becoming stronger. Although she was in an wacky delirium,Shepard figured out the woman speaking.

"Miranda?Is that you?"she asked,her voice crippling. She tried to raise her hand,but the young woman stopped her.

"Keep calm,Shepard. Help is here. You did it." she spoke calmly and slowly,allowing Shepard to analyze her words. She did what?

"The Crucible fired,the Reapers fell apart and stopped working." Miranda answered Victorianna's unsaid question. Shepard was a mess. Some sleep,medi-gel and rest couldn't harm her.

Miranda nodded her hand to some Alliance soldiers to come and retrieve Shepard's body out of the rubble. Miranda was in shock. Shepard was broken completely. She thought it ironic that she was the one who rebuilt her once,she had to watch the heroine of Elysium fall apart for the second time,and yet to be there to help her piece herself up again.

"Kaid...Kaid..."Shepard mumbled as they proceeded to the shuttle. Miranda held her hand,she knew.

"He escaped with the Normandy and her crew. They followed Hackett's orders,to break and rendezvous at a pre-determined spot. I'm sorry,I don't know more. But knowing Major Alenko,they will get through."Miranda tried to reassure her,although she wasn't pretty sure if she believed what she saying.

She watched Shepard as her eyes flied away into sleep. It wasn't death,just some rest. Miranda smiled and hoped that the man Shepard loved so much could come back to her. She was waiting. For him. For them.