A/N: Something I had to get off my chest.
Empty. That was how John felt.
Being Mary Watson is the only life worth living
With that sentence, his whole world as he knew it, changed into an alien species. He was repelled by who he was.
Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and wish you could see someone else?
He was a monster. An absolute monster. A pathetic excuse of a human being. Here he was, living with a dedicated wife and the most amazing daughter he could have asked for, and yet. It wasn't enough. He wanted more.
He felt disgusted with himself.
He felt unworthy of the Mary's and Sherlock's love. Mary loved him with all her heart. And, John, the monster he was, easily betrayed her confidence. She didn't even know. John would have preferred anger, screaming and shouting, perhaps even a gunshot or two. But the overwhelming guilt that she died in his arms, thinking that he was the most perfect person she knew, behaving like she did not deserve his love. That John could never get past. He was always letting people down, especially when they needed him the most.
Sherlock, on the other hand, loved him more than Mary. John surmised as much during the CAM bonfire incident. Sherlock saved him, not the super talented and professional assassin that was his bride to be. Frankly, John didn't care what kind of love it was. Everyone thought that it was John Watson who keeping Sherlock humane. It was the other way round. The list of things Sherlock did for John were endless.
And he hit him. Very hard. Just at the moment Sherlock he needed him the most. Drug-addled,confused, scared. Sherlock needed John on his side. And, John? He kicked Sherlock. That wasn't even the worst part. No. The worst part was that Sherlock accepted.
No, it's okay. He's entitled to.
He seemed to have accepted John's completely irrational anger. The way Sherlock looked at him. God. He looked like he was willing to do anything so that John would stay. Sherlock accepted that it was his fault Mary died even though it wasn't. Sherlock Holmes, one of the smartest and dangerous people alive, high functioning sociopath, not a care about what other people think, enormous ego, was just lying there, letting John do whatever he wanted.
Because Sherlock Holmes preferred John's hatred rather than not having John Watson in his life at all.
John stared at his hand, smeared in Sherlock's blood. What had he become?
SHSHSH
The stupid, stupid idiot.
He was playing with his life just beacuse John would come back to him?
What an utter idiot.
John ran, he ran like there was no tomorrow. Indeed there wasn't. I f Sherlock...if he died, died in the chase of earning back John's friendship, John would have two persons blood on him. Mary and Sherlock. Both of them dying to save John Watson and the things he loved the most.
He couldn't.
Not again.
This was his shot at redemption and he was damn well going to take it. He didn't care about his own life anymore.
Not when his whole world was threatened.
SHSHSHSH
For the first time, John and Sherlock needed words to talk about how they were feeling.
I cheated on her
John let his words flow, every word soothing his conscience, every sentence lightening his guilt ridden heart. He spoke, determined to confess. To tell Sherlock everything. It was his apology.
That's the whole point. The man you thought I was...is the man who I want to be.
And, John truly thought he was incapable of making someone feel that way. He felt incapable of anything. He was a mess, a mess even Sherlock didn't deserve.
Text her. She likes you.
Truly, Sherlock Holmes deserved the kind of love John received from Mary. Sherlock Holmes deserved that. Not John Watson.
It is what it is
He melted in Sherlock's arms, amazed that after all that John had put Sherlock through, he was still here. That he still loved John.
And John was not going to mess around this time. No way.
It was a new beginning. A shit beginning. But it was a beginning.
It was time to become the man he wanted to be.
A man worthy of the love he received.
A/N: Hope you liked it! Let me know what you think. Next chap: Shelock's POV
