First FanFic. I DONT Own Sea Patrol or Any of its Characters

-

Escaping was my only option, only it was never an option only a way out.

How could someone cause some they love so much pain. How could one person make so you determined to not end up like them, by never giving yourself the chance to. How could someone hurts you so deeply that forgiveness will never be an option. That it seems as though, you can never understand the thoughts that once circled their conscience. How could someone that hurts you so deeply make you feel torn in two; one part of you wanting to find a way out, the other simply wanting to make sure your mother was still alive?

I suppose I could never call her that; a mother because in reality I was raising myself. I was running the baths, making the food, ironing the clothes taking care of the house and making sure she was okay. I couldn't leave; I wasn't old enough. I was suffocating in a place she called home, a place I would never feel safe or be able to relax; a place where leaving was my only option; only it was never an option only a way out.

Soon as I was old enough I was out of there, never to return ,only when I allowed myself to think about it did my mind wander back. I swore I would never return and I never will. I some how seem to attract environments that aren't to my advantage. Joining the RAN was probably my best life choice. ADFA was an experience but never a difficulty, compared to where and what I had come from; it was a breeze. That was until I met a man; I suppose you could say we had a "thing". I was in wonderland I thought it was amazing; yet I had lost my sense of reality. Once I had woken up to myself I realized I had got myself in to deep. I dealt with it in the only way I knew how, by finding a way out; the only way I had ever learned. And I left.

Things were going great. I had put so much of my life behind me that there had to be some good in front. I had come to the realization that the whole married, with the 2 car garage, a white picket fence and the 2.5 kids was never going to be my forte. I had cut that part of me away; I was an officer in the Royal Australian Navy. The Navy the only thing that had never hurt me, the one thing that never betrayed, lied, loved or drank. It was the one and only thing in my life that I could rely on.

I was on my way to the top, and you can bet your bottom dollar that I was heading straight for it; that is until I was given the posting of the patrol boat the HMAS Hammersly. A patrol boat based in Cairns, they had to be kidding me. But as usual the ever professional I accepted the posting with grace and style.

Nothing had hurt so much in a long time, I thought that perhaps nothing ever would but this did. Did he not care, or was he just avoiding the confrontation.

From the beginning I tried, and failed at avoiding the feeling that I once left behind; who the hell was I trying to fool. I always seem to be finding myself, just waiting a few extra minutes on deck or in the bridge or even in the senior sailors mess just to be with him. How could I love someone who hurt me over and over again? He attracted me; even tempted me if you will. How could I love someone that had simply broken my heart?

No matter how I tried to distract myself, he still keep managing to seep into my thoughts, my dreams, even my ambitions.

After three damn long years I have finally accepted two things one I love him with all my heart two we can never be together.

I have waited three years for this dinner ever since I began working on the Hammersly. I have waited for this; finally the closure, the understanding, the free flowing conversation and the harsh realisation that sometimes I can't just look for the way out.

"Hey Kate, is the dinner nearly ready? I'm starving."

"Yeah Mike, just a few more seconds."

I guess my way out this time, will simply have to be a way back in.