Unlike my previous Digimon story, this one is simply wish fulfillment on my part. This is a twoshot and I hope to have the next part uploaded within the next two weeks. The title of this story and the chapters I ripped off from My Youth Romantic Comedy is Wrong as I Expected. But, Taichi's personality isn't based on Hachiman's. I think that'd be a bit much. So instead, he's just a bit cynical and moody.
Even so, Yagami...
Your efforts will never betray you. Although, your dreams might. Rather, it's more often than not that your dreams betray your expectations. No matter how hard you work, things might not end up the way you'd like them to. However, you should still find solace in the fact that you gave it your best, and it couldn't be helped one way or another. At least, I keep telling myself that.
"Seriously, you need to come visit some time. It's been years since we've seen each other. I haven't even seen you since your wedding! And it's been even longer since you've even talked to anyone else!"
"And here we were having such a nice conversation," I sigh in to the receiver, making sure the person on the other end can hear the exasperation in my voice, "and then you gotta go and ruin the mood."
"Could you stop being so stubborn?" Oh, she didn't like that at all. "Everyone misses you! You've been so out of touch with them for years, you didn't even bother to tell them that you're married and have a kid! And what's with this whole swearing me to secrecy about your life thing anyway?"
I swear it's the same conversation every time. I took a scholarship offer to play soccer at a university in Osaka. I didn't really say anything to anybody about it, besides my parents and my busybody high school teachers. I didn't even tell Hikari until about a week before I left. Whenever anyone asked where I was planning on going for university, I always found a way to dodge the question seamlessly. Well, when your charm and charisma stats are as high as mine, it's pretty easy to get away with these kinda things.
"I was married." The words come out of my mouth a bit more bitterly than I expected. "You say the same things every time, you know that? And I give you the same answers every time. The definition of insanity is trying the same thing over and over while expecting a different result."
"I really don't know how you became such a cynical asshole. You used to be so sweet and caring. Now you just push everyone you cared about away like they meant nothing to you." I could hear sniffling on the other end of the receiver. "You used to be our fearless leader."
"I've always been like this, Hikari. This is who I really am."
Well, this was certainly a new twist to the weekly phone conversations we've been having for years. I guess my cold demeanor and efforts to keep everyone at an arm's length has finally gotten to her over the years.
"No. No, it isn't. This is just a facade you've put up to keep yourself from getting hurt," her sobs are becoming more and more obvious the longer this conversation continues. "I was really happy when you got married, because it finally felt like you were like yourself again. But..." her voice cracks.
I know what she wants to say. She won't say it because she knows it will hurt me if she does. My heart feels like it might break if she says another word. But, her sincerity in trying to reach out to me is making something in my heart move. It's a feeling I haven't felt in a really long time. Maybe it's time to make the trip back to Odaiba for a while. Maybe it'll be a nice change of scenery from Osaka.
"Well, I have been pretty unfair. Mom and dad don't even know what their grandson looks like, and you don't know what your nephew looks like either. I have a bunch of vacation days saved up, I could afford to visit for a week."
I can hear her breathing start to regulate and her sobs start to dissipate as well. Truthfully, they were going to force me to take a two week vacation anyway, so this lines up pretty well. A part of me misses my family a lot, especially my adorable little sister. Although, last I saw her she was all grown up. It was a weird sight to behold, but I can't see her as anything more than that the little sister I always doted on.
"Onii-chan!" It's been a while since she has called me that. It makes me feel nostalgic. "I get to finally see Tatsu?" I can hear her squealing on the other side. Well, that was a pretty rapid change of mood.
"Yes, yes, I'll bring Tatsuya." I can't help but smile a little bit. It's been a while since I made her that happy. It made me feel like an actual older brother again.
"I can't wait to tell the others!" Uh oh. Hold your horses Hikari. "And before you start protesting, you have to see them. They haven't even seen you since high school! They're your friends!"
"They were my friends, Hikari." I spit the words out with a bit more venom than I intended.
"You pushed them away."
"I couldn't endure their superficial friendship anymore."
"They were your genuine friends." I wince at her words a little bit. "They still ask about you. They still talk about you. Sure, they're a bit miffed that you never contact them, but they still care. They just want to know how you've been doing. Sora has especi-"
"Fine." I cut her off before she can say anything else. "Do what you want. I'll be in Odaiba for two weeks Saturday morning." I hang up before she can respond.
I'm in a bit of a bad mood after the phone call. I'm not mad at Hikari, but rather at myself. Why can't I just be honest with my feelings anymore? I'm the one who was being superficial in high school. I acted like I always did, without ever really expressing my troubles to anybody. Of course they wouldn't notice, I'm a pretty damn good actor when it comes down to it. I've gotten good at pretending that everything is fine. Keeping a level head is one of the most important traits for a leader after all. I wasn't able to be honest with them or myself, which led to me to start resenting all of them. Especially her. Why did Hikari have to bring her up anyway? She was my best friend, and we promised we'd always have each others' backs, but in the end she chose Yamato.
At least, that's how I used to think anyway. Now, I'd like nothing more than to go back and apologize. If I had been more transparent about the way I was feeling instead of just bottling it up inside of me, they wouldn't have hurt me as much as they did. I would still be friends with them. I don't know if have the courage to face them anymore.
"Papa..."
I turn around to see my adorable little son, "What's up bud? Can't sleep?" I pick up my four year old son and hold him close to me.
"I had a bad dream. You were crying again, papa. I don't like it when you cry." This isn't fair, he's too adorable. My heart melts every time he speaks a word. He's a spitting image of me, with wild brown hair just like mine used to be when I was younger. Well, my hair is still pretty out there for other people's standards, but I'm sure I'm essentially unrecognizable through my hair as I once was. There is one thing that my son inherited that wasn't from me. His eyes, and not just the fact that they're a lighter shade of brown than mine. Every time I look in to his eyes, it's like I'm staring in to her eyes all over again.
"It was just a dream. I'm fine, see?" I reassure my son with one of my signature grins. I truly feel like I can be myself around him. He mirrors my grin with one of his own. He takes after his dad after all! "How would you like to go see Grandma, Grandpa, and your Aunty Hikari?" His eyes light up adorably as I speak these words.
"Really? We can go see them? I love you, papa!"
His tiny arms wrap around my neck and squeeze as hard as they allow him to. We stay like this for a few seconds and he finally relents. He looks like he wants to say something else as he is looking at something behind me. What is he looking at that's so interesting anyway? Turning around, I see the fridge. Is he hungry? No, he'd be crying in pain if he was hungry, he takes after his dad after all! I scan the fridge up and down and notice all of the photos stuck to it. I look back and forth between his face and the fridge to try and figure out what he's looking at, and after a few seconds I realize his eyes are intensely staring at a certain photo from when I was younger.
It was a group photo of the eight of us, our little Digidestined group. It was taken before everything changed and I had started my downward spiral. As I stare at the photo, I can't help but feel doubts about seeing them again. Some things can't be understood unless said out loud, but just because they're said out loud doesn't guarantee that it will be understood. Try as they might, they may never be able to understand how I feel. Something as difficult as this, would they even try to understand? Hell, I'm not entirely sure even I understand? What is there to understand anyway?
"Papa, your friends will be there too right?" Tatsuya finally squeaks out.
"Yeah." I answer halfheartedly as my the thoughts in my mind continue to race.
"You look sad every time you look at that picture. Do you miss them? Like I miss mama?"
I hold my son close again, lightly pushing his head so that his chin digs in to my shoulder blades. Those words would break me. I start to feel my eyes water and I desperately try to hold it in. But, I just can't take it and the salty fluid rushes down my face as my whole body trembles.
"Papa, you're crying again. I'm sorry. I know you miss mama too." I start to feel my shoulder becoming wet. We stay in that embrace for what seems like hours, but in reality it was probably only five minutes. Father and son, embracing each other in mourning the loss of a wife, a mother, and friendships. In that moment I feel as if the only companionship we will feel in our lives will be from each other. My cynical and rotten outlook on life that I have been harboring for years forces this feeling on to me.
I look back at the picture on the fridge and remember my conversation with Hikari earlier. We're all smiling earnestly, looking past the camera in to a better tomorrow. Back when we felt our youth would be never ending. I look at my own youthful face full of hope and determination. Those deep brown eyes pierce my dead ones. Maybe I will find companionship again.
I never thought I'd come back here. I never thought I would be standing in front of this door again. I never thought I'd find myself back in this city, my hometown. Yet, here I am. The small hand I'm holding squeezes mine affectionately, as if sensing my hesitation. Yes, if not for him I would not be standing here. I wouldn't be able to throw away my cowardice if I didn't have him here by my side. I flash a grin to him to show him it's alright. He mirrors my grin and I face the door once again. I reach deep within myself to tap back in to my old personality to give myself the courage to knock.
"Coming!" a familiar voice chimes through the door. A few moments later it swings open, revealing the source of the voice. "Taichi!" My mother welcomes me with open arms, "I'm very upset with you, but we'll talk about that later! I'm just happy you're here." She turns her attention to the little fella by my side.
He flashes the signature Yagami grin I've made so famous, "Grandma!"
"And you must be little Tatsu!" She embraces her grandson for the first time, "Well, come on in you two!" She stands up and walks through the door, beckoning us inside. "Oh, and you didn't have to knock, you dimwit. This is your home too. I assume you still have your key?"
"Yes, mother." I scoff a little bit, "It's been so long that there's no way you would have recognized me anyway. I would have been mistaken for an intruder and you would have taken measures to defend your home while notifying the authorities." Why is it so hard for me to just say, 'I'm home!' and leave it at that?
She sighs and places one hand on her forehead and the other on her hip, "Looks like Hikari was right, you've developed such a rotten personality." Despite her frustration with me she smiles warmly, "I'll call her to tell her you're here."
"He really looks just like you," Hikari motions to the small child riding on my shoulders smiling and laughing as he plays with my hair. Just picturing his expression puts a smile on my own face. Hikari stares at my face for a few moments and smiles, "I know you're in there somewhere, Onii-chan! Somewhere buried underneath all of the cynicism, the bitterness, and the pain."
I continue to walk, not giving her a proper response. "Where exactly are we going anyway? You can't even tell me where we've agreed to all meet up?" I look at my sister with a raised eyebrow.
She pouts for a moment and sighs in resignation, "Fine, since you won't stop bugging me about it. We're going to Sora's house!" She smiles widely, but I can see something hidden between the lines. It feels sinister in a way, at least to me. I have a bad feeling about this.
"You sneaky little sister…" I sigh in exasperation and she smiles at me reassuringly. "I wonder if her and Yamato have kids yet," I say this as an attempt to keep the conversation going.
She replies with a dull 'Oh,' as she seems to realize something. What is it you're hiding from me now? Her expression changes to one of thoughtfulness for a few moments, but in the end she doesn't say anything and her countenance reverts back to its previous state. Seriously, what's with this little sister of mine and when did she learn to be such a schemer? I switch my mind in to interrogation mode and ready myself to throw a slew of questions at her when her eyes widen a bit and interrupts my thought process.
"Look! We're here!" Hikari exclaims as she diverts my attention to the building thirty meters in front of us. "It's on the third floor, come on!"
I follow her as she urges me on. I feel tiny hands begin to pet my head, as if he can feel my uneasiness. Seriously, this kid is a bit too sharp for his own good. A trait he gets from his mother. The climb up to the third floor takes minimal effort, despite the extra weight on my shoulders. I haven't played soccer competitively since university, but I have been involved with a local men's club that gets together twice a week to play so I've kept in pretty good shape.
Speaking of soccer, Tatsu is almost at the age where he can join a club soccer league. I've been taking him to my club and he watches me with the utmost enthusiasm every time. When he joins a club, I plan to quit my club and volunteer to help coach his team so I can be with him more. Although I have to be careful not to pressure him too much. He has to develop his love for soccer on his own, I can't push my love for soccer on to him.
"Alright this is the room!"
Hikari snaps me out of my thoughts as we stop in front of '307.' Inwardly I get nervous. I have no idea what to say. I know what I want to say, but actually putting the words together and speaking them is a different story. I can feel little Tatsu playing with my hair more enthusiastically. I'm sure he's noticed how my shoulders have tensed up and is doing this to try to get me to relax a bit more. It works as I hear him making slight cooing sounds which puts a smile on my face and allows me to relax a bit.
Hikari knocks and I hear a feminine voice call out, "Coming!" on the other side of the door. A few moments later and the sounds of locks and latches being undone fill the air. My heart is racing and I feel my face becoming warm. Why am I so flustered? Would greeting them normally work? Will I be able to act as I always had? Or will I fall into the bad habit I've gained over these years I've been away from them? Will I finally be able to be transparent with my feelings and what I want? Or will I push them away on instinct like I've been doing with my sister all these years? It's the moment of truth as I see an auburn hair color with a matching pair of eyes that I've been familiar with since childhood pop out from behind the door.
She instantly looks at me and blinks twice as if she were trying to make sure I'm not just a mirage that will disappear when she blinks. Her mouth opens slightly releasing a gasp.
"You're… really here." She steps forward to reach out to me when her eyes focus on the pair of legs dangling off of my shoulders. She looks up a bit to see the owner of the legs, "Taichi, you have a miniature you sitting on your head." She giggles a bit.
"Uh… yeah. This is my son, Tatsuya." I manage to stammer out a few words. "Um… I guess there's something I should say." I start to get nervous. I wasn't able to say it to my mother, and it might sound weird saying it here, but it feels like something I need to say. Sora looks at me expectantly. It's awkward for a few moments when I feel a nudge at my elbow from Hikari. I take one glance at her and she nods understandingly. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, "I'm home."
Sora's eyes widen and a single tear falls down her right cheek. She smiles warmly at me, "Welcome back." She motions us to come inside.
I sit down in Sora's living room on the floor next to the table in the middle of it. Little Tatsu has now climbed in to my lap and taking in his surroundings. Sora goes to grab refreshments and snacks with Hikari offering to help her bring them out. None of the others have gotten here yet, Hikari had lied to me about the time we agreed to meet and we ended up coming half an hour earlier than when the rest of them will supposedly show up. Hikari and Sora chat and catch up while I just sit here coddling my son in silence.
"She really is nice like Papa said!" My son turns to face me. Too adorable, stop that Tatsu! Stop it!
"Your Aunt Hikari?"
"Her too, but I mean Sora! She's just like you said!" My son beams at me.
"Oh? You told him about me, Taichi?" Sora and Hikari walk in to the living room with a pot of tea and snacks on a tray. Before I get to say anything, little Tatsu here nods at her and starts chatting away.
"Papa likes talking about his friends!"
"I hope he hasn't told you anything bad about me." Sora smirks at me with a seemingly hostile look in her eyes.
"No! Papa told me that you're really nice and pretty, and he was right!" Tatsu flashes her the trademark grin which makes her cheeks turn pink a bit. My little Tatsu at the age of four already flaunting off the Yagami charm. I couldn't be more proud of him.
Sora sits next to me in order to talk to Tatsuya some more. Their conversation continues and shortly Hikari joins in. The three continue to chatter away while I just stare at my son, watching him. He turns five next month and I can't believe how big he's gotten. The time flies by and the sounds of knocking interrupt the sounds of laughter in the room. Sora stands up to go greet the guests.
"Yamato! And everyone else too! What a coincidence that you guys are all here at the same time!" Sora's voice can be heard from the living room, announcing the arrival of the rest of the guests.
What is this convenient coincidence? I can't help but shake the feeling that if my life were an anime or some other medium of entertainment, that their arrivals coinciding with one another is for the author's convenience. The author must have gotten too lazy to write out the rest of the characters' reactions and interactions with my son and I one by one. But, that sort of thinking is ridiculous in itself. This isn't an anime, or a light novel, and I sure as hell hope it isn't some meta fanfiction. This is my life.
"Pardon for the intrusion." I hear Yamato's voice call out.
Excuse me, Yama-chan? Did I just hear you say 'pardon for the intrusion,' in your own home? Shouldn't you be saying, 'I'm home!' or something along the lines of that? I shoot my sister a questioning look and she responds with a blank look on her face. Don't play dumb with me, damn it. When did my innocent, adorable little sister become such a slippery fox?
Unfortunately, my thoughts distracted me from the fact that I should be bracing myself for the onslaught of questions I'm sure are headed my way.
"Taichi..." Yamato looks at me for a moment and then looks at the child in my lap, "you've got some explaining to do, buddy."
Next to walk in is a short redheaded man, "This... Actually doesn't surprise me. It's been what? Nine years since we've seen each other? Although, I wish you kept in touch." Ah, Koushiro. Ever the logical one. You were the only one who even seemed to understand me in the slightest during our last years together.
Takeru's turn, "Holy crap, Taichi's a father." Nice to see you too kid. Still want me to be your brother instead?
Mimi, "Why is there a mini Taichi in your lap?" Hey, Sora already made that joke.
Finally, Jo walks in, "Well, isn't this a pleasant surprise?" Jo was always nice to me. He always checked in to see how I was doing even at while at university.
They all had barged in at the same time, giving me no time to give them proper individual responses. So I'll opt to address them all at once. It only seems appropriate.
"It's been a while." The words come out a lot more lamely than I want them to. Seems like I can't quite express myself properly yet. Looking down into my lap, I address their concerns, "This is my son, Tatsuya."
"Well, I'm sure we've all figured that much. That's not a satisfactory explanation as far as I'm concerned." Yamato, always with the calm and collected persona. He walks over to get a closer look at little Tatsu, crouches down and introduces himself, "My name is Yamato. I'm an old friend of your dad's, it's nice to meet you finally." He extends an invitation for a handshake to my son.
"I know. You look just like the picture on the fridge at home, except you're bigger! You all look like you do in the picture!" Tatsuya grins and accepts Yamato's handshake. Everyone glares at me questioningly. Oh dear, my son's big mouth is going to cause me unending grief today, I feel it in my bones.
"You… keep a picture of us?" Yamato looks at me. When he first walked in, he stared at me as if I was a stranger, but now he's finally looking at me like I'm an old friend.
I stay quiet for a few moments, I stare at my son, unable to look any of them in the eye, "... yeah. It's that picture of all of us on your, Sora's, and my last day of junior high." Before everything changed I add bitterly in my head.
"This whole time, we thought you didn't care about us." Everyone nods and murmurs in agreement with Yamato's statement. They stare at me so intensely I feel as if their gazes will burn a hole through me.
"I..." I want to say it. I want to say these words, but they won't come out. Of course I still cared. Not that I was capable of showing it anymore. But, would they understand?
"Why did you leave without saying anything?" Takeru looks at me, "We were worried. Worried that we had done something to upset you, worried that you didn't like us anymore." His gaze shifts over to my left, where Hikari was sitting, "And when Hikari told us she promised not to tell us where you were, what was happening with you... we were all sad." Even after all these years, he still knows how to work that little brother charm of his. "Why didn't you talk to us? We could have understood better if you talked to us."
Sure, it's almost impossible for anyone to understand if you some form of verbal communication isn't exchanged. However, even if we talked about it, it doesn't mean that they would have understood. Hell, I don't even know if I understood at the time. Even now, I don't know if I understand. I thought I did once I met my late wife, but that answer has become lost to me.
Why am I like this? Why did I push them away? I was hurting yes, but did I push them away just because I didn't want to be hurt? Did I really do it for such a selfish reason?
"Even if he tells us, it doesn't mean we will understand." Koushiro speaks up after thinking for a few moments, "I never said anything, but I noticed a change in your mannerisms during high school. Sure, you made an effort to keep up your normal persona, but there was something different. I believed that you would talk to us about it when you were ready, so I left it alone. But, then you up and left without any warning."
Koushiro looked hurt. He once told me that out of all of us, he considered me to be his best friend. I was the one who understood him the best after all, I understood his antisocial tendencies, his tendency to cling to logical thinking while ignoring the emotional aspect. But here he was, throwing the loyalty to logic out the window and analyzing me on an emotional level. He's matured.
"Does it matter? Just because I left your lives, it doesn't mean the sun didn't rise anymore. Life still went on, and everyone moved forward." These aren't the words I wanted to say. It seems this is harder than I ever imagined it was going to be. Even so, I can't stop myself, "Not like it matters right? In two weeks I'll leave again, and things will just go back to the way they were." Why must I push them away?
"Papa…" Tatsuya tugs my at my sleeve, "Papa's being mean and lying. Papa misses them right?"
"Tatsu…" Now there's definitely no way I can look any of them in the eye.
"Taichi." I look at my right and see Sora looking at me with a determined look, "Be honest with us. Please."
"I…" I start again. The words just won't come out. I steel myself a little and look each of them in the eye one by one. Mimi, you were always sincere and caring. Jo, so reliable, even now I bet I could count on you to be there in times of need. Koushiro, you were always able to read the situation and knew a lot more than you let on. Takeru, just by looking at you we knew we could never give up hope. Yamato, I cherished your friendship, I really did, despite our differences. Hikari, you always shone like a beacon of light in the darkest of times. And Sora… in my younger days I was in love with you, but I never said anything. Although I'm sure everyone knew.
My friends, they had cared all this time. They might not understand, but they want to. They'll put forth their best foot in order to try to understand my feelings. They had all changed so much, but they didn't change who they were at their very core. I was the only one who had changed. I became cynical, cold hearted, and cowardly. I had begun to feel like myself when I first met my late wife, but then she was taken from me. My pillar of strength gone, I reverted back to this rotten personality I had developed. Years of alienation and isolation built up in my heart. But, she would want me to be happy. During all those years together, she kept bugging me to go reconcile with my friends. With her by my side, I felt as if I could find the courage to. But then…
"I'm sorry." I somehow manage to choke out the words. "It was my fault for never telling you guys. But during high school and even now, I'm suffering. I don't even know why, and I don't know how I managed to act normally for as long as I did back in high school, but I knew that I couldn't do it anymore. So senior year, when I got that scholarship offer, I took it without telling any of you. I know this is nine years too late, but I want to make amends."
I bow my head showing how earnest I am in my desire to reconcile with them. My ears are met with silence. My heart beats faster and faster with each moment that goes by. Why aren't they saying anything? They could at least yell at me or tell me to screw off. I lift my head and take a look around the room. I'm met by the soft smiles and warm, welcoming expressions of my friends.
"We've been waiting a long time to hear those words come out of your mouth, Taichi." Sora places a reassuring hand on my shoulder, which I jerk back from out of instinct for a moment before my body consents to the physical interaction.
"Everyone… thank you." I smile earnestly as I feel a heavy pressure lift off of my chest and shoulders. As if on cue, my friends start to bombard me with questions asking about what they missed out on my life for the past few years and started to go on about what I had missed out on theirs. The conversations continue for about half an hour. Apparently it has been a while since they all met up with each other as well, so they had a bit of catching up to do. At some point, little Tatsu found his way into Sora's lap instead of mine. Not that I still go through separation anxiety or anything, but I find myself still keeping a close watch on him.
"He really does look just like you." How many times am I gonna hear that today? "His hair is so adorable too!"
"Didn't you use to say my hair was disgusting, Mimi?" I raise an eyebrow at her.
"Well, yes I used to think so. But, after not seeing you for so long I started to miss seeing that unkempt hair of yours. It's become a bit of an endearing sight for me." Mimi smiles, "Not that your hair now is bad either, you've become quite the man, if I do say so myself."
"Shut up." I feel my face getting hotter by the second. It was completely out there for Mimi to be saying this stuff about me. Truth be told, back in high school I was quite popular among the female students, but Mimi was always there to make sure my ego didn't get carried away. Not that I really needed it, seeing as how I didn't care much for their attention in the first place, but I appreciated the gesture.
Mimi giggles a bit, "Ah, but you're spoken for now right? Speaking of which, who is the lucky lady? And when do we get to meet her?"
Mimi's words attract the attention of all the others who have now become interested in my answer to Mimi's inquiries. However, all they receive in response is my silence and downcast eyes. I glance a bit at the others, all expectantly awaiting my answer aside from Sora and Hikari. Sora and Hikari both had frozen expressions, as if they feared a landmine would go off any second now. I look at my son, and he stares at me with those cute little eyes of his, worry plastered all over his face.
"Papa…."
I smile and reach out my hand to ruffle his hair, while my other hand reaches in my pocket for my wallet. I pull out a small photo and place it on the table for everyone to see. It's a picture of a woman with long brown hair and hazel eyes. Her hair is braided and falls in front of her left shoulder. Her expression as warm and gentle as her personality.
"She's beautiful…" Sora murmurs beside me, not able to take her eyes off of the photo I had taken out.
"Yui Okabe. Er… well Yui Yagami I should say." I mutter lamely. Everyone looks at me for a second, "Geez, how slow are you guys? That's her name." I flash them the trademark grin.
"You sure scored a good one, didn't ya bud?" Yamato smiles at me in congratulations. However, this only makes my chest ache, the longer we talk about this. They have a right to know. They're my best friends after all. They seemed to be worried for a second there, but as soon as I pulled out that picture and explained relief seemed to wash over them.
Sorry guys, I'm gonna have to rain on your parade. You wanted to know, after all. I reach in to my wallet again and pulled out another photo and place it on the table. This time, it was of a woman with grey- no, silver hair laying in a hospital bed. How could I call such beautiful hair like that a color so dull, lifeless, and ugly? This woman is much more frail looking, but has the same hazel eyes as the first woman. In fact, these two pictures are of the same woman. My wife, before and after she became ill. Even so, these two pictures are equally beautiful to me. Of the woman I love. In sickness and health, right? The room became silent- it looks like they finally understand.
My chest aches harder. At first the pain was enough to make me dizzy, but I've grown accustomed to it. My eyes stare at the ground intensely as if it would crumble beneath me and the Earth would swallow me up.
"Papa… please don't cry." How can I cry when you're looking at me like that.
"I'm okay, thanks Tatsu." I flick his nose and smile a bit at his indignant reaction. I turn towards my friends, "My wife passed away eight months ago."
They say nothing, giving me comforting smiles and looks. They know nothing they say would be able to ease my pain, but they express, non-verbally that they're here for me. Honestly, that's more than enough. The pain eases up a bit, allowing me to breathe regularly again.
"Oh shoot! Look at the time! I got an early shift tomorrow! Sorry Taichi, but I gotta go!" Jo frantically packs up his things and goes to leave, "Don't you dare push us away again! We won't let it happen so easily this time. I'll see you around!" I nod in agreement, and give him a slight smile assuring him that I wasn't going anywhere this time around.
Koushiro, Mimi, Takeru, and Hikari also excuse themselves. I try to leave with Hikari, but she insists that I stay for a bit longer. They give Tatsu and I hugs before taking their leave. Now, only Yamato, Sora, Tatsuya, and I remain.
"Sora, could I borrow your balcony for a sec? I'd like to talk to Taichi." This almost confirms the suspicions I had earlier. "That is, if you have a bit of time to talk." I nod and silently follow him out to the balcony. Outside, Yamato leans against the edge and looks up at the night sky. I stand close and position myself similarly, making myself as comfortable as possible.
"So, it's true then," Yamato gives me a curious look before I finish my thought, "You and Sora aren't together anymore."
"Nah, we broke up a long time ago, but as you can see, we're still friends." Yamato chuckles a bit. "We broke up about a year after we finished high school." Yamato stays quiet for a bit. It's a comfortable silence. Whenever we used to hang out, sometimes this was all we did. Yamato was never super talkative, and I like being considerate of others as much as I can. However, it seems like he has a lot of things he wants to tell me. "She was really upset about you leaving like that, you know."
"I figured. I mean we hadn't been super close in those last few years, but I know she was upset that I didn't say anything to her. I've known her since…. well since I can remember I guess." I run a hand through my hair.
"I knew how you felt about her. Well, not until after I started dating her, but I always felt a bit guilty."
"She made a choice, that's all there was to it." It was my turn to chuckle, "I actually didn't mind losing, if it was to you, that is."
"But, it still affected you. You distanced yourself from us because of it. Wait, it's not just your fault. We were the ones who didn't notice that you were feeling alienated and alone." Yamato sighs. "Well, either way she never stopped thinking about you after you left. It took me a while to realize it, and I'm still not sure if she has realized it or not yet. But, she has always been in love with you, I think."
"Pardon me, could you repeat that again? I think you just said something completely ridiculous." I laugh a bit.
"It's true, at first I was a bit pissed off. But, I've made my peace with it and have moved on. I actually don't mind losing, if it's to you, that is." We both chuckle at his twisting of my earlier wording, "It always seemed like she wasn't there. Any time we saw someone with wild brown hair likes yours, she'd do a double take, hoping it was you. After we broke up, Mimi tried to get her to date again after a few years and set her up with someone. He broke it off with her after about a month. The guy's reasoning was, 'She seemed like she was always staring off into the horizon looking for someone.'"
I turn my head around to look back into the window. Tatsuya seems to have taken a real liking to her and vice versa. "Well, it doesn't really matter now anyway. I don't see her that way anymore. I don't love her, I've moved on Yamato."
"Have you?" He looks at me with a stern look in his eyes. He's not asking about Sora. He's asking if I've made an effort to move forward ever since my wife died. I feel the aching in my chest start to come back and my breathing becomes irregular again. Sensing my change in behavior, Yamato puts a hand on my shoulder reassuringly. "Hey, it's going to be okay. We couldn't be there for you before, but let us be here for you now." He looks at his wrist for a moment, "I have to go. You know how to get in touch right? I'll be seeing you a lot while you're here, make sure to answer your phone."
I nod silently without looking at him. I'm trying my hardest to keep back the tears right now, and on small little push would be all it takes for the levee to break. I hear the sound of a sliding door opening and Yamato says goodbye to Sora and Tatsuya. I stand there for a few more moments before I decide to head back inside as well.
"Hey Tatsu, time to go." I say while avoiding looking at Sora. "Thanks for having us, Sora." I go to pick up my son from her lap.
"Papa, you're crying…" He's right. I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. The moment I looked in to Tatsu's eyes I saw his mother, and the emotions I had bottled inside me erupted. I reel back and push my face in to my hands as my body curls up in a protective ball. "Papa! Papa!" My son's cries become desperate. This isn't the only time he's seen me like this, unfortunately. But, I can't stop the tears.
"Taichi! What's wrong?"
"Sora, please help Papa… Papa cries a lot ever since Mama went away." He tugs at her blouse. What am I doing to this child? He's too young, I need to be strong for him. He shouldn't have to deal with someone as emotionally unstable as me. Why can't I be a better father? These thoughts only serve to pain me more.
"I'll try, Tatsu." He runs over to hug me. He's crying too. Crying because his father won't stop being sad. I know there's something wrong with me, but I can't help it. Sora sits next to me and thinks for a few moments before speaking, "Taichi, I'm sorry about everything you've gone through. Hikari told me everything before you came here, and she asked me not to bring up your wife. But, she hadn't told the others. I'm sorry such a painful subject was brought up." She slowly wraps her arms around me from behind. "I want to help you, I don't know how I'll be able to, but I'll do whatever it takes." She pauses for a few moments, "I love you. Always have, and always will. It's taken me a long time to realize it, but these are my real feelings."
"Papa…" Tatsu tries to control his sobs while he tries to speak, "She's not Mama, but she wants to help. I get sad too when I think about Mama. I love Mama, but I love Sora too."
I can't believe the words that are bouncing off of my ear drums currently. My son is practically begging me to give my childhood best friend a chance. To essentially replace his mother with her. It sounds really bad when it's put that way, but putting the intentions aside, those are the facts. I don't know what to think. The tears have stopped, but the pain hasn't subsided. Although my breathing has regulated a bit. Soon enough, I collect myself enough to give a proper response.
"Sora." She flinches a bit at the tone these words come out in. "I don't see you that way anymore. Well, I still love you, perhaps as a bit more than a friend. But, I just can't... It's too soon." My body relaxes a bit and I turn to face her, with my eyes still puffy from the tears.
"I know I can never replace her," Sora says with sad eyes, "but doing this to yourself isn't healthy! I don't like seeing you like this, and neither does your son."
We sit in silence for a few moments. I know she's right. I know Yamato is right. Hell, even my four year old son is right. I take a few moments to steel myself.
I look down into my son's eyes and see Yui again- pleading and begging for me to be happy. "I can't turn down a request from my adorable little son." I look back into her eyes. Her own eyes show hints of sadness, but they still have hope, something I'm sure my eyes lost long ago. "Maybe it is time I tried to move on."
Tears begin to well up within her eyes as she embraces Tatsuya and I. The three of us cry our hearts out, hoping to understand one another. Maybe just saying things aloud isn't enough for us to understand each other, but what counts is that we want to understand each other. No matter the effort needed, no matter the cost, she's determined to understand me, and I want to understand her.
But, will that be enough? I hear a familiar feminine voice echo from my memories. Of course it's enough.
I hope you enjoyed it. The next chapter will be an epilogue to tie it all up.
