This story is a collaboration of the comedic expertise of moi, HealerAriel,
and my best girl bud, nicknamed Chloe (this WILL make sense, believe it or
not, once I submit one of our other stories). The original manuscript is,
sadly, now in the possession of her mother -who doesn't care for our sense
of humor- but we're going to rewrite this the best we can based soley upon
memory. Hopefully, it'll even turn out to be better than the original!
Enjoy! And give us lotsa reviews, or we'll be sad! And we're not nice when
we're sad!
Note: since italics don't show up, *this* = thoughts.
As told by Padfoot:
Another year at Hogwarts. To me, this meant two things. First of all, way more detention for me and my best bud, James; and second of all, way more time with the girls who worship me. Yes, I am Sirius Black, and I am a sex god. Hey, I didn't ask to be hot and charming and intelligent, it just sorta happened that way - not that I'm complaining. I mean, don't get me wrong, James and Remus are good-looking and all, but come on, they're not me! Yeah, sucks to be them.
I, however, was in a damn good mood at the moment, having just beat up our resident slime ball, Snape. The loser accused me of stealing his girl! And she was coming on to me, even! Man, that guy needs some therapy, and a shower wouldn't hurt him either, for that matter. When'll he learn, chicks don't go for the bathed-in-Crisco look?
"Sirius, would it kill you to put that thing away?" Remus asked. I gave him a look and went back to admiring myself in my mirror. Man, I was flawless.
"Trust me, Moony, if you had been blessed with this hair, these eyes, these lips, and this Adonis smile, you'd be checking yourself out, too," I informed, flashing my perfected devilish grin and giving my long black hair one last flip before grudgingly putting the mirror back into my pocket.
"It's his modesty that really gets me," James said, taking his attention from the rolling hills outside the train to give me a smirk. "He's not at all conceited." Remus and Peter laughed. I gave them a superior look.
"Yes, Jimbo, my modesty amazes even me," I replied. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not that dumb: I knew that James was being sarcastic. I just felt like cheesing him off.
"You are such a freakin' weirdo, Padfoot," he said, grinning.
"Takes one to know one, Jimmy," I replied, sticking my tongue out. At that precise moment the door to our compartment opened and a girl with strawberry-blonde hair came in, took one look at Remus (not me?!) and tripped over her own feet.
"Ow," she said, struggling to get herself untangled from her school robes and get to her feet at the same time. This did not work out well, and she ended up losing her balance again, and would have fallen once more if Remus had not decided to play gentleman and catch her.
"Are you okay?" he asked, helping her to steady herself. She was obviously younger than us, and not used to wearing robes. She was also very pretty, I mean, for a kid.
"Uh, um, y-yeah, I'm fine," she said, gazing up at him with this look of total adoration. Man, little girls...
"You're new, aren't you? This is your first year?" Moony's admirer nodded, too enamoured to form words at the moment. Remus grinned. "What's your name?" he asked.
"M...M-Margaret Baker," she stammered, still very busy staring at him.
"Well, how about we call you 'Klutz'," Peter suggested, "because...you're a klutz!" James and I started laughing, but Remus soon silenced us with a death look and, in true knight-in-shining-armor fashion, bent and kissed Klutz's hand (she blushed) and said, with a very un-Moony grin,
"Remus Lupin at your service, Margaret."
*Man, Moony's learning how to really put on the charm*, I thought, impressed. I had, of course, taught him everything he knew.
"And these are my friends," he added, introducing me, James, and Peter. "We're fifth years."
"Yup, we be bigga, fasta, and stronga dan you little punks in da first ye-ah. We have da powa to strike you down! Haha!"
"Sirius....what the hell?" James said slowly, looking at me like I was deranged. "What have you been smoking?"
"You know, I can't remember exactly, but it musta been some strong sh- "
"Sirius, there's a lady present," Remus warned, flashing Klutz this really charming smile none of us had ever seen before. Klutz blushed again. Geez, she was officially smitten. "Maybe you should go now, before Sirius does anything else to prove his insanity," he said, ushering the girl out with his fingertips resting on the small of her back.
"Er, uh, o-okay," she said, seeming again at a loss for words.
"Very charmed to have met you, Miss Baker," Remus said, still in total-charmer mode. "It's been a pleasure."
"Um, yeah. Bye, Remus," she replied. She blushed a third time as my suddenly very smooth buddy kissed her hand again, then went off into some other compartment. Once she was out of earshot, it was official rag-on- Moony time for me, Jim, and Petey.
"Damn, Moony," I said. "You just about turned her into a quivering pile of jelly. I salute you!" James meowed loudly, then sang,
"Moony's gonna get some, OWOOOOOOO!" We all cracked up as Remus's pale cheeks went pink. He grinned.
"Hey, contrary to popular belief, Sirius isn't the only guy in school who's capable of making a girl melt like a popsicle in July," he said, lounging in the seat next to me. "Old Moony's got a few tricks up his sleeves."
"And if Moony doesn't stop talking in third person, Padfoot is going to kick him in the balls," I informed.
"Yeah, Prongs too," James added.
"Fine, be that way," Remus laughed.
As told by Padfoot:
Another year at Hogwarts. To me, this meant two things. First of all, way more detention for me and my best bud, James; and second of all, way more time with the girls who worship me. Yes, I am Sirius Black, and I am a sex god. Hey, I didn't ask to be hot and charming and intelligent, it just sorta happened that way - not that I'm complaining. I mean, don't get me wrong, James and Remus are good-looking and all, but come on, they're not me! Yeah, sucks to be them.
I, however, was in a damn good mood at the moment, having just beat up our resident slime ball, Snape. The loser accused me of stealing his girl! And she was coming on to me, even! Man, that guy needs some therapy, and a shower wouldn't hurt him either, for that matter. When'll he learn, chicks don't go for the bathed-in-Crisco look?
"Sirius, would it kill you to put that thing away?" Remus asked. I gave him a look and went back to admiring myself in my mirror. Man, I was flawless.
"Trust me, Moony, if you had been blessed with this hair, these eyes, these lips, and this Adonis smile, you'd be checking yourself out, too," I informed, flashing my perfected devilish grin and giving my long black hair one last flip before grudgingly putting the mirror back into my pocket.
"It's his modesty that really gets me," James said, taking his attention from the rolling hills outside the train to give me a smirk. "He's not at all conceited." Remus and Peter laughed. I gave them a superior look.
"Yes, Jimbo, my modesty amazes even me," I replied. I know what you're thinking, and I'm not that dumb: I knew that James was being sarcastic. I just felt like cheesing him off.
"You are such a freakin' weirdo, Padfoot," he said, grinning.
"Takes one to know one, Jimmy," I replied, sticking my tongue out. At that precise moment the door to our compartment opened and a girl with strawberry-blonde hair came in, took one look at Remus (not me?!) and tripped over her own feet.
"Ow," she said, struggling to get herself untangled from her school robes and get to her feet at the same time. This did not work out well, and she ended up losing her balance again, and would have fallen once more if Remus had not decided to play gentleman and catch her.
"Are you okay?" he asked, helping her to steady herself. She was obviously younger than us, and not used to wearing robes. She was also very pretty, I mean, for a kid.
"Uh, um, y-yeah, I'm fine," she said, gazing up at him with this look of total adoration. Man, little girls...
"You're new, aren't you? This is your first year?" Moony's admirer nodded, too enamoured to form words at the moment. Remus grinned. "What's your name?" he asked.
"M...M-Margaret Baker," she stammered, still very busy staring at him.
"Well, how about we call you 'Klutz'," Peter suggested, "because...you're a klutz!" James and I started laughing, but Remus soon silenced us with a death look and, in true knight-in-shining-armor fashion, bent and kissed Klutz's hand (she blushed) and said, with a very un-Moony grin,
"Remus Lupin at your service, Margaret."
*Man, Moony's learning how to really put on the charm*, I thought, impressed. I had, of course, taught him everything he knew.
"And these are my friends," he added, introducing me, James, and Peter. "We're fifth years."
"Yup, we be bigga, fasta, and stronga dan you little punks in da first ye-ah. We have da powa to strike you down! Haha!"
"Sirius....what the hell?" James said slowly, looking at me like I was deranged. "What have you been smoking?"
"You know, I can't remember exactly, but it musta been some strong sh- "
"Sirius, there's a lady present," Remus warned, flashing Klutz this really charming smile none of us had ever seen before. Klutz blushed again. Geez, she was officially smitten. "Maybe you should go now, before Sirius does anything else to prove his insanity," he said, ushering the girl out with his fingertips resting on the small of her back.
"Er, uh, o-okay," she said, seeming again at a loss for words.
"Very charmed to have met you, Miss Baker," Remus said, still in total-charmer mode. "It's been a pleasure."
"Um, yeah. Bye, Remus," she replied. She blushed a third time as my suddenly very smooth buddy kissed her hand again, then went off into some other compartment. Once she was out of earshot, it was official rag-on- Moony time for me, Jim, and Petey.
"Damn, Moony," I said. "You just about turned her into a quivering pile of jelly. I salute you!" James meowed loudly, then sang,
"Moony's gonna get some, OWOOOOOOO!" We all cracked up as Remus's pale cheeks went pink. He grinned.
"Hey, contrary to popular belief, Sirius isn't the only guy in school who's capable of making a girl melt like a popsicle in July," he said, lounging in the seat next to me. "Old Moony's got a few tricks up his sleeves."
"And if Moony doesn't stop talking in third person, Padfoot is going to kick him in the balls," I informed.
"Yeah, Prongs too," James added.
"Fine, be that way," Remus laughed.
