"Diary of a Crazy Person"

July 31st

6:30 a.m.

Sometimes I wonder what the big fuss is about cats. Most of them are very mean and territorial, which I find extremely annoying, and some of them are stupid, retarded, perverted freaks like the one next door.

Mrs. Next Door's stupid cat is the reason I'm up at 6:30 a.m. on Saturday morning. That cat snuck into our front yard and started humping our willow. Poor willow, it's not your fault you're being used as a sex object by the cat next door.

I wonder though, how I managed to do what I did next. I got out of bed, put on my slippers, and walked outside for all in the world to see in my Little Mermaid knickers. Now, you probably didn't there were Little Mermaid knickers, but they are, they are limited edition ones. Mum told me that I should put them in a Safeway bag or something, and keep them safe, just because it was one of ten in the *whole world.* Screw that, the undies were comfy as hell, even though they are rather large.

All right, so here I am on our front lawn wearing gigantic knickers, and I look at the perverted freak, and before the fool could even realise what was happening he was back on his side of the fence. That's right, I threw him over the fence, you would that was reasonable right? I mean, it wasn't like I tossed him like a basketball. Actually. it was a lot like that.

Now, remember I'm still on the front lawn in my big knickers when Mrs. Next Door comes out and starts yelling at me. What is this for? Did she not see that I did the entire street's tree population a big favour? Well, it turns out she didn't and all she was worried about was her, '...tiny, little bubbly wubbly..." Little? Did she not see that thing *humping* the tree a few minutes ago? Nope, she's still worried about her stupid cat.

Hang on, what is she doing now? Well, now really, she's almost on our side of the fence. Perhaps, not her as much as it is two of her four chins. Ugh, one of them's got a mole in it. You could live in that mole.

"Evan, my goodness," she says. "I thought you were a nice girl."

A nice girl? Does she not know who I am? Ha, that's a good one...I must tell Mum and Dad that one later...

She continues to yell, then she calms down a bit, she says good morning and walks inside with her retarded cat. He hisses at me. That stupid, little git. I hope he gets lost in one of Mrs. Next Door chins.

7:00 a.m.

Saturday morning cartoons. What's gone wrong with them? It always used to be great, and now it's simply lost it's charm. To be truthful, it sucks. I wonder what will happen to them. Perhaps they will go into hiding. God, I wish I could go into hiding. Sadly, I'm still here, jammering on about Saturday morning cartoons.

7:03 a.m.

I must find something to do. Ooh, I want to play cricket with the stupid cat. That should be a real game, you know. I must tell Oliver.

7:06 a.m.

Dialing Oliver's phone number:

Grunt.

"Oliver, it's me," I say.

Another grunt.

"I want to play cricket with Mrs. Next Door's cat," I tell him.

"Shove it up your ass, Ev," he says.

"The cat?" I ask.

He grunts in reply.

"It was be rather unpleasant to be walking about with a cat up your ass," I say.

"I don't bloody care!" he yells, and then he hangs up.

That was my best friend. He's not a morning person.

7:07 a.m.

There are thirty-three days until I return to Hogwarts. I wonder if I call Oliver again, he'll tell me to stick Hogwarts up my ass.

My ass is a bit big, but I don't suppose Hogwarts would fit. Professor Flitwick probably would though.

7:09 a.m.

Well, in all my fifteen years of living I had said some pretty disgusting things, but that - by far - is the worst. A person up your bum? I'd rather see retarded cat humping one thousand trees than go through that.

7:11 a.m.

I've thought of something to do. I'm going to wax my legs.

7:22 a.m.

All right, I've chickened out, I'm just going to shave.

7:39 a.m.

This has to be the most uncomfortable position ever. My right leg is on the toilet, my left leg is on the sink, and here I am, shaving away.

7:45 a.m.

Funny story, I shaved yesterday. I now have cuts on my legs everywhere. Hmm, at least my legs are silky smooth.

7:56 a.m.

I look ridiculous. I have SpongeBob SquarePants Band-Aids covering 3/4 of my legs.

First with the gigantic knickers, now this. They might as well call me Mrs. Big Knickers With Blue Legs, because that's what they look like: blue.

8:09 a.m.

Dad's finally up, he took one look at my legs and shrugged. Not surprising really, I do this kind of stuff all the time.

I told him Mrs. Next Door called me, 'nice'. I knew it, Dad cracked up.

10:56 a.m.

The phone rung. I picked it up. It was Oliver.

"Oh, I expect now you'll want me to stick the phone up my ass?" I ask.

"Evan, you know I'm not a morning person." He says.

"I know, but you could at least be considerate of your best friend." I say and then I hung up. I'm telling in three seconds the phone will ring.

One...two...three...

"Stop calling, Ollie!" I say.

"Why Miss Parker, I didn't know you had a nickname for me." Uh oh. It's Dad's boss. I pass the phone to Dad without saying a word.

4:56 p.m.

Oliver called back four hours later.

I refused to speak to him, and he said he would bring over Dove chocolates. I told him         

to leave it on the doorstep and leave. It turned out he was already outside talking on his mobile, and he had seen my big knickers and blue legs.

5:09 p.m.

Ah well, at least Oliver has taken a strong liking to my 'Cat Cricket' idea. We start tomorrow.

Thanks for reading guys! I hope you enjoyed it! Please review! And this is a British story, I'm Australian, but I do know a fair few British words. Perhaps, I will explain the whole thing down here.

This start is set around Harry's first year of Hogwarts, I'm pretty sure that was Wood's fifth year of Hogwarts, anyway, Evan, as you know, is his best friend. It's in the format of the Georgia Nicolson books, as you might know if you've read them.

Anyway, so Evan and Oliver are best friends and are the fifth year, Harry, Ron, Hermione are starting Hogwarts, so there's going to be the whole 'Harry Potter coming to Hogwarts?' thing going on.

I have one question for you guys. What year was Fred and George when Harry started Hogwarts?

Please review!