A/N: I'd bet four naked hobbits that people have done Marriage Prospects for Lord of the Rings before now, but since I don't have four naked hobbits, I can't make any bets. (Just in case.) That being said, this is for those of you who ever wanted to know what it was like to marry one of the LOTR boys (or girls). I'm using a combination of bookverse and movieverse, and for the record, though, most of the physical descriptions are from the movie. My versions of the characters might seem to be a bit buttered up; it's the fast-talking door-to-door salesman that lives in all of us.

Disclaimer: We all know damn well that I don't own LOTR... If I did, then someone else would be writing this monstrosity.

xxx Frodo Baggins xxx

Other names, titles, and aliases:

'The Ring-bearer': Frodo's the one that carried the Ring to Mordor, remember?
'Elf-Friend': Gildor called him this because he could speak Elvish.
'Mr. Underhill': Frodo's assumed name in outside the Shire, though he only uses it in Bree at the Prancing Pony.
'The Halfling': This is what Boromir referred to Frodo as when retelling a dream.
'Master': Both Sam and Gollum call him master throughout the story.
'Bronwe athan Harthad': (Endurance beyond Hope) Gandalf called Frodo this in an early draft of 'Many Partings.'
''Deputy Mayor of Michel Delving': Frodo's position from November 3019 to Mid-Year's Day 3020.
'Frodo of the Nine Fingers': Gollum bit off a finger of his, thus leaving him nine fingers. But this is Sam's idea of what Frodo should be referred to in those story-songs he's so fond of.
'Daur': Frodo is called this at the Field of Cormallen.
'Maura Labingi': Frodo's hobbit name.
'Iorhael': Frodo's Sindarin name.
'Bingo Baggins': Frodo's name in early drafts of Lord of the Rings. No, seriously.

Appearance: The first thing that most people notice about Frodo would be his enormous blue eyes. At times they seem to be a bit out-of-proportion to the rest of his hobbit-sized body (along with his feet), but, like most things in life, bigger is better! He's got a pair of lightly pointed ears hidden beneath that mop of dark, curly hair, which also managed to find its way down to his legs and feet. He seems rather thin and pale, considering the amount of time he spent trudging through the wilderness in the hot sun; maybe he's secretly related to a larger number of half-Elven Mary Sues than accounted for? Upon further inspection, the ring finger on his right hand is missing; if it had been on the left hand, you might have trouble with the whole wedding ring-deal, though I doubt Frodo would be into wearing any ring. Also, the gap between his teeth doesn't seem to make him any less attractive than it would, say, Boromir.

Clothing: Frodo likes to wear hobbit clothes, because, well... He is a hobbit. Since such is the case, he forgoes shoes and the bottom third of the hobbit-breeches. At the beginning of the Quest, he's dressed fairly well in a brown waistcoat, vest, and breeches, with a floofy white shirt underneath. Sometime after Bree he acquires a cloak, then Galadriel gives him an Elven cloak. (Spiffy thing, that was...) By the time he reaches Mt. Doom, though, a majority of his clothing has gone missing, and if the Quest had been longer, I'm guessing he would have been naked by the time he had destroyed the Ring. Damn... But as a side note, make sure to get Frodo some different hobbit-breeches; the ones often present don't fit quite correctly, thus showing off a few (very nice) things.

Intelligence: Bilbo taught him a few nifty things, including a fairly good knowledge of the Elven language. Frodo apparently likes to read, but I do sometimes wonder exactly what he's reading... Your guess is as good as mine on this one. Frodo appears to like to write as well. He knows calligraphy (yeah, there's a skill that's really useful in life...), but I would imagine that he gets sloppy sometimes, thus resulting in ink stains on his hands and clothes. Better learn how to get ink out of shirt sleeves, honey...

Personality: Before he inherited the Ring, Frodo was pretty happy and well-adjusted, even though his parents had died. Living with Bilbo didn't seem to change his personality too much; he was still jolly and merry up until the Ring came to him But alas, the damn Ring ruined everything. It made him slightly insane while he possessed it, almost like a drug. Along the Quest, he bares his only heroic qualities: endurance and willingness, but they quickly disappear upon his return to the Shire. Once back home, Frodo remains a bit reserved and melancholy. Try to be as comforting as possible when he goes into random fits of depression, due to one Ring-related thing or another.

Finances: Frodo is the sole heir to Bag End and its fortunes, so don't plan on being too poor. I would keep a sharp eye out for Sackville-Bagginses trying to steal things, if I were you. Maybe spend a bit of that unused money on a security system to keep out unwanted visitors; you know, the kind that shoots flaming arrows at intruders? That'll keep 'em out!

Home Economics: According to various fanfiction sources, Frodo is a horrible cook. Of course, what can be expected when someone has cooked for you your entire life? If you're an awful cook as well and can't do it yourself, I would expect Sam would be more than happy to cook for Mr. Frodo and his wife.

Combat: Fighting is definitely not one of the things Frodo excels in. Thank the Valar for Sting, Aragorn, and the Mithril shirt, or else this puppy would be long gone! Anyway, don't expect Frodo to succeed in valiantly rescuing you from hordes of Orcs anytime soon; the most he could do would be to inform our favorite Ranger on your disappearance, and then huddle up with the other hobbits next to a campfire and cry his little heart out. Upon Aragorn and yourself returning from your capture, don't be too upset with Frodo for not rescuing you. Even though he loves you, there wouldn't be much he could do to save you.

Special Skills: Not too many of these... Umm... He can do calligraphy-With nine fingers-And look adorable doing it? Yeah, that works, I think...

Competition: No one canon, really... Goldberry is the first thing that comes to mind, but I have a feeling she slipped something extra into Frodo's "water," which was already drugged. Even before Frodo gets to Bree, he forgets Goldberry, and she isn't mentioned for the duration of the story. So most likely she was a one-nighter, if that. Then there are fangirls, of course, but they don't really count, do they? A small number of Mary Sues have become attached to Frodo, but they're relatively easy to dispose of. (Ask Gandalf to send them back to wherever they came from; I'm sure he won't mind sparing a minute of his time for Frodo's wife.) Slashers (including myself, at times) have paired him up with just about everything on Middle-Earth that breathes, so if I were you, I'd pray to the Valar that he's actually straight. Some common examples of his male partners would be Sam, Aragorn, Legolas, Merry, Pippin, Bilbo, Gandalf, various Bree Ruffians... Quite a few, huh?

In-Laws: Drogo and Primula Baggins are, well, dead. They drowned in a tragic boating incident on the Brandywine River, but think of it this way: you don't have to worry about your mother-in-law hating you for any reason. Of course, you'll never get one of those "you're the daughter I never had" speeches from her, but I think you'll survive. Bilbo will make a great cousin/uncle-in-law. He's friendly and cheerful, if not a bit insane due to the Ring. He was pretty well-preserved for a while when he had the Ring, but by the time you get there, I'm sure he'll be next to dead, if not that. Be aware that there are distant relations, including the Sackville-Bagginses. (Give them more spoons when you meet them; it'll annoy the hell out of 'em!)

In Bed: If you're not careful, he may blush himself into oblivion, as well as embarrassment. (If all the blood is in his face, that might pose a slight problem down south...) Try to be sweet and thoughtful, and let him go beneath the covers should he wish to. The worst thing to do would be to scare him off. I get the feeling that whenever you choose to hit the sheets, it would be his first time. Let him explore a bit; be submissive. After all, having saved all of Middle-Earth and going without anything but a few lustful looks for more than fifty years deserves a few times on top, right? And try to refrain from the Sting jokes; he won't find them funny, just annoying.

Bad Habits: Frodo, like most hobbits, is a smoker, but at least he usually takes it outside. Don't expect him to stink up Bag End with pipesmoke. He's also an avid nail-biter; don't let him teach that trick to the kids, it's annoying as hell to get them to stop.

Other: Frodo is sometimes prone to sudden, unexplained illnesses and injuries. It would be wise to keep one of those super-duper handy-dandy Rangers-turned-Kings about just in case, but if you're unable to find one of those, a miracle-worker and a first aid kit will do just fine. If taken care of properly, Frodo usually recovers in about a week or so, but make sure he's completely well again before going out and about. Wouldn't want him to catch another case of pneumonia in July...

Conclusion: If you like your shoulder being cried on (You know you love it; don't deny it!), then Frodo might just be the guy for you. Be extra sweet to this sensitive blue-eyed cutie, and he'll remain yours for a long time. He'll be sure to remember your anniversary, and there most likely won't be "another woman" anytime soon. As a parting note, don't let him on any boats until you know you've got him for sure.

xxx Frodo Baggins xxx

A/N: Reviews are really nice; naked hobbits are nicer, though. If you haven't got any of those, a review will be just fine. The character for next chapter will be determined by popular request, and also by what mood I'm in when writing. (You know, sometimes I'm in a Legolas-mood, other times a Pippin-mood... Today I was in a Frodo-mood.) The name references are from www(dot)tuckborough(dot)net; I'm not really smart enough to know all that. (But hey, at least I'm smart enough to find someplace with all that stuff in it! You gotta give me points for that!) And, just so you know, the 'Other' category was a reference to FrodoHealers.