HA! You thought this would be a regular story! But it was me, DIO! After deciding that the author should really come up with another crazy shitpost, I decided to pay him a visit. Trust me, it wasn't a pleasant sight when I entered, and even I (DIO) would rather spare you the details. That being said, he cannot talk to you know, seeing as convincing him required me to politely bash his teeth out (his last words were "Oh, you're approaching me?", I believe). Therefore, I (DIO) shall leave you with this story. Enjoy, foolish mortals...
Jotaro "dank memes" Joestar and his grandfather, Joseph "danker memes" Joestar, were walking down the streets, minding their own business. They were on their way to the supermarket to buy some delicious, juicy, healthy apples. It had been nice and quiet for quite some time now. No random weirdo's trying to challenge them, no cultists with stone masks, no vampires, nothing.
"Grandfather," Jotaro asked. "I sense there is something on your mind. And something tells me we are not out here to just buy apples for an apple pie."
Joseph chuckled.
"You have always been very clever Jojo. You are right. I have been thinking about you and your training. You have proven on multiple occasions that you may be ready for the next step.
But I must warn you, Jojo." He placed a hand on his grandson's shoulder. "It will be extremely difficult. You will be faced with many challenges along the way."
He placed his other hand on Jotaro's other shoulder. "Do you understand, Jojo? It may be a matter of life and death. Death, you hear me!"
He started shaking Jojo wildly.
"IT'S GONNA CHANGE YOUR FUCKING LIFE, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, JOJO?
AND IT WILL BE EXCRUCIATINGLY DIFFICULT, JOJO!
SONO CHI NO SADA ME, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOJO!"
Then Jojo just fucking slapped him.
"Yeah, yeah sure. If you say so grandpa. You wrinkly old ass, yeye looking motherfucker."
Joseph smiled.
"That's my boy."
They then arrived at the store, bought their apples and returned home.
"Now, Jojo." Joseph said. "As I said, the next lesson will be very difficult. I have faith that you may succeed where I have failed in the past." Jotaro smirked.
"Not to blow my own horn Grandpa, but I think the same. I will not let you down."
"Excellent! Then we can get started. I need you to close your eyes Jojo. I will hand you an object. I expect you to know what you must do afterwards yourself."
Jotaro obediently closed his eyes. His thoughts drifted to what this object could possibly be. Would it be something heavy? Something disgusting and slimey, like a large snail, or something similar? Would the item sting in his hands? And what could grandfather Joseph mean by 'I know what I must do afterwards myself'? Maybe that was the real challenge... It seemed childish of him, but Jotaro was semi-convinced that the item he would be handed would lead him to some kind of treasure, almost like a pirate in a children's book.
Then, he felt something get pushed into his hands. It was surprisingly light. Plastic. He could hear that something was inside of it too. It seemed to be partially wrapped in another layer of plastic. His curiosity started to get bigger. What could this object be?
"It is time Jotaro. You may open your eyes to your new challenge now." He heard Joseph whisper.
Jotaro took a deep breath and slowly opened his eyes. He looked down and he saw that the item that Joseph "danker memes" Joestar had given him was...
A copy of Bloodborne for PS4.
"Dafuq?" Jotaro said and he looked at his Grandpa.
"You have to help me Jojo. I can't even get past Father Gascoigne..." Joseph begged.
"Bruh..." Jotaro uttered. "Was this talk about a new challenge all just some big plan to get me to help you play a video game?" Jotaro said as he opened the plastic casing.
"Why, yes." Joseph said.
Jotaro looked down at the disc, trying to process what was happening here. But then, when he saw the disc, he noticed there was no picture of Bloodborne on it.
Instead it was ME, DIO!
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Jotaro groaned.
"Yes Jotaro, you have fallen right into my trap!" Dio yelled and he laughed menacingly.
"You see, as I copy myself onto more and more discs, I will grow more and more powerful. I will be able to hypnotize millions of people at the same time. I shall use them to build an army, an army that will take over the entire world! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Jotaro and Joseph both flipped a table and Joseph exclaimed: "It's useless Dio! Jojo's stand is far too powerful for you! Even your ZA WARUDO is no match for it."
Dio laughed.
"You are a terrible liar Joseph! We both know that Star Platinum cannot defeat ZA WARUDO."
Jotaro chuckled.
"Oh my dearest Dio... I do not use Star Platinum anymore..."
"Nani?"
And then Jotaro used dark magic to summond Earth's mightiest hero's: Saitama, Shaggy and Shrek.
"Wait what the fu-" Dio started before he was knocked down by Shaggy.
"Like, are you seeing this fellas?" Shaggy said to his companions.
"This one has a big mouth, but I only need to use 3.141592653 percent of my power to knock him to the ground."
"FOOL! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME, DI-" Dio stammered in shock, but when he tried to finish the sentence, he was hit by a powerful cloud of wicked onion-scent.
"Go ahead Saitama!" Shrek said. "Take care of him, layer for layer."
"That would be kind of time-consuming, don't you think?" Saitama said and instead he just obliterated Dio with one single punch.
And so, Dio was defeated forever. Earth's mightiest heroes joined Jotaro and Joseph and they all enjoyed a nice big apple pie and all was good.
That is, until Thanos came in and snapped everybody away with the infinity gauntlet.
Wait, what the fuck kind of weeby shit is this?
Don't you worry about me folks. Once I finished writing this story I took the liberty of cursing Dio, who is now either forever stuck in purgatory or compulsively writing reviews in Spanish... I may have pronounced the curse wrong...
That's all you're getting for now. Daddy needs to rest.
