Optimus had decided, it didn't really matter anymore. Too many had fallen, too many innocent lives had been taken because of their senseless war, because of him. He felt each bot that died; neutral, Decepticon, Autobot, due to his lack of leadership abilities.

Primus would be disappointed in him if he could see him now, the Matrix had been silent for vorns, the same amount of vorns that they spent killing one another, killing their planet, killing Primus.

Optimus Prime often laid on his recharge berth, thinking. His thoughts traveling between his failure to protect his home, the failure to protect those around him, the failure he was the cause of.

It was becoming dangerous for the Prime to be left alone with his thoughts. He began to long for battle with Megatron, a fight which would place him in med bay, he often hoped the damage would be too severe for Ratchet to put him back together. It hadn't taken long after all of this started that Optimus Prime was no longer able to recharge properly only thinking about how he failed Primus, his faction, Alpha Trion, the citizens of Cybertron.

He often just stayed up all night reading data pads that were never done and fall into stasis due to low energy from not recharging. He didn't care that he stayed up all night, he kept his processor off of the disturbing thoughts often flowing through his processor. Ratchet had demanded that the Prime get some sort of recharge, Optimus nodded telling him he would, but sneaking data pads into his quarters working on work, hoping to fool the medic into thinking he was recharging.

Optimus hoped the facade he put up was working, he was beginning to tire. The fake smiles, laughing when every one else did, he eventually convinced himself that this is what was suppose to happen. This was how he always was, how he would always be, a failure.

His depression eventually escalated, eventually taking a whole cycle to down a full cube of energon. A mech of his frame type needed at least three cubes a cycle. Roller was beginning to worry, beeping up to his companion, trying to help. Optimus just smiled to the scout and stated he was fine, just feeling under the weather.

He began to focus entirely on his work, Roller and Trailer often did not see the main component of their trio. The Prime continued to sign and read data pads, his processor off of the disturbing thoughts, ignoring the issue.

He had finished the last data pad, and needed a distraction. His frame was lagging and his processor was quickly running scenarios he wished to disregard. It was time for a drive, a long, long drive. Optimus quickly walked to the entrance of the Ark trapped with in the confines of the volcano and transformed. Quickly the red White Freightliner cab-over engine tractor trailer truck bob-tailed out of the Autobot base heading for the interstate.

He drove the interstate until he reached a little down off the map, deserted exit and entrance ramps. Houses couldn't be seen for miles. He sighed contently finding solace in the small quite area just off the expressway. He turned down a road passing very few houses, some farms and pastures full of animals domesticated and wild.

He found acres of land, with nothing surrounding it other than equine and cattle. Optimus transformed walking over to the field, sitting on the ground pulling his legs to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees. He could break down here, none of his soldiers could see him, hear him. He could remember life before the war, before this whole mess started when he wasn't doomed to fail.

He remember back, his work at the Hall of Records in Iacon, when he was Orion Pax. The shy, book worm that practically lived in the library he worked at. He had read every data pad within its walls.

He remembered his old boss Alpha Trion, the mech who placed this burden on the young Orion Pax's shoulders.

He remembered Jazz from before that war, Orion Pax had once called him best friend, no matter how childish it seemed that was the only way describe Jazz. He pulled the librarian out of a funk when he got too engrossed in a data pad. He introduced the shy Orion Pax to Megatronous the gladiator, to Starscream the Prince of Vos, and to Prowl enforcer from Praxus.

Once the Matrix of leadership was bestowed upon the humble librarian Orion Pax, Megatronous had fallen into a blind rage. Fighting those that tried to reason with him, vowing that he should have been Prime. He vowed he would kill the Prime, pay for his mistake, his failure.

Jazz had offered his assistance to the Prime, telling him he would be there once the new Prime had allowed his real feeling to show through to his once best friend. Jazz had helped the Prime through that bought of depression before it got out of hand.

Then the spurts of depression from the Prime became worse, as the war progressed. Jazz had still kept his same old personality, he had started to court the ex-enforcer and current Autobot second in command, Prowl. And when the Prime had needed the mech the most, he never answered.

He never blamed the mech, he was courting Prowl, how could he have blamed Jazz? He was the one that was damaged, he was the one that started the war. He didn't deserve the friendship the saboteur offered Orion Pax so many vorns ago.

That was the day Optimus Prime realized, he was the only one who could bear these burdens no matter how they affected him. No one else would give him the time of day to listen to him complain, so why even try. He had to carry these thoughts, these failures, until he cracked under the pressure.

The pressure was beginning to become to much, just sitting in the lonely field, sitting with his helm resting against his knees, he finally cracked. Coolant escaped his optics, as his vocoder finally released a burst of noise. His intake manifold shuttered as he tried to regain composure, the walls he spent vorns building finally crumbling.

No one would come, not for him. It was his fault they were on this dirt planet, why would they assist the mech that destroyed their home planet? He knew he didn't deserve to be the leader of the Autobots, he placed his servo over his spark chamber. It would be so easy to extinguish his own spark, but he would never do it, he couldn't. death was or bots who had people to care for them. Death was a reward he didn't deserve. He had convinced himself long ago that the Autobots would be better off with out him as their leader.

After all who was he really? A mech who lost his friends, his planet, himself.

A small part in the back of his processor hoped one of his Autobots had followed him, would tell him that he mattered, that he wasn't just some mech chosen to be Prime because the only other option was Megatron.

But as always, they never did. There were no messages in his hub asking where he went, why he wasn't recharging in his berth, why the half full cube from the previous day was still sitting on his desk in his office.

Optimus Prime calmed, done with his break down. He transformed driving back to the ark stuck in the volcano.

Jazz was the one to greet the Prime, "Hey Prime, was just coming to see you in your office."

The Prime looked to the saboteur, "What for?" asked Optimus a little too emotionless.

"You okay?" asked Jazz concerned.

Optimus just smiled a fake smile that showed through his optics, "I am fine Jazz, thanks for asking."

Jazz nodded continuing with what he was going to talk to the Prime about.

The smile worked every time, but all he really wanted was some one to shake him, let him break down, and tell him he was worth so much more than what he told himself.


I hope you enjoy, please notify me of any mistakes, this story didn't have a beta.