It's been a while since I've written a fic. It's about damn time! So, I hope you enjoy it, because I enjoyed thinking it up. I am sure it will at least somewhat amuse you, if anything. And now for my advice of the day: If you run with scissors, make sure they're really sharp. If they're safety scissors, the dull end will only hurt more as it plunges through your flesh. Now on with the fic!!!
Dumbledore sat at the head table gazing out at the student body. The sorting hat had finished its rhyming mumbo jumbo, and now everyone was sitting at their seats eating heartily. The old man looked out fondly at some of the older students, remembering how they had grown over the years. There in the corner was Hermione Granger having food chucked at her by the younger students. She certainly had filled out a bit since her days as a first year. And there towards the middle sat Cho Chang talking amongst her friends. For some reason he had remembered her cheeks being a little less pudgy last year. The head master shook it off and continued to peer about the room. Draco sat with his fat as ever lackeys as they chastised a first year and beat the child with paddles. That's when Dumbledore realized it: even Draco, the usually tall, slender one… now had a double chin!!! The headmaster's eyes darted frantically to Ronald Weasley. Was that a beer gut he was hiding underneath those robes?! Dumbledore couldn't believe his eyes. All of the children had more than plumped out over the years at Hogwarts. What could have possibly done this? Dumbledore frantically scanned the room for one boy, the golden child. If anyone was still in shape, it had to be Harry. There was no conceivable way that the savior of flippin Britain could have let himself go to waste… And then he saw him…
There at the middle of the Gryffindor table sat Harry, but not as the headmaster remembered. It was almost as though the Potter child had exploded over night! He took up at least 4 feet of the bench, if not more, just to rest his fat ass. His once brilliant green eyes were barely visible amongst the fatty slabs of skin on his face. And, my word, Dumbledore had never counted so many chins on one person in his entire life! Well, that did it. The old man then knew it was time for drastic measures. He looked over his staff, deciding which would be the best for the task which must now take place, and almost immediately his gaze locked on the frame of the ever greasy Severus Snape.
"Severus, may I have a word with you?" The head master beckoned. Snape sighed. He hadn't finished making faces out of the food on his plate. If Dumbledore could have called him just a tad bit later, he could have placed his carrots just so to make a rabbit with ears. Oh well, no rest for the wicked. His soon-to-be complete bunny would have to wait. The pale man perched himself next to the headmaster, waiting for the senile wreck to spout his words of old-fartdom.
"Severus, my old friend, do you see anything peculiar about our students?"
Snape scanned the crowd of juveniles, looking for something of relevant.
"Um," he continued to peer at them skeptically, "They all seem to wish death upon the Granger child, sir. Are you wishing that I put her out of her misery?"
"No, Severus!" Dumbledore chortled irritably. "I'm referring to something completely different."
"Oh…" Snape looked out at all the children yet again. "I'm afraid I'm unaware of what you are trying to point out."
"All of them," Dumbledore said, "Each and every one of them, have gotten-"
"Fat?" The potions master finished for him.
"Severus, please, try to be a little more sensitive. I prefer to think of them more as 'horizontally endowed'."
"… I'll be sure to make a mental note of that sir. So what is it you would like me to do about this large, 'horizontally endowed' problem?"
"Simple. We will need to introduce a new subject, one that has never been touched upon by the wizarding world before."
Snape stared at the headmaster apprehensively, waiting for the itching topic to be addressed. And then, after a long pause, Dumbledore stood up at the head table. The room fell hush as everyone waited for him to speak, not all together sure what he was about to say.
"Before we commence our evening feast, there is an issue I feel should be addressed. A horrible circumstance has recently presented itself to me and for this we must find a cure."
The Gryffindors immediately knew what this must be about, and scowled at the Slytherins. The green clad bastards must all be in league with the Death Eaters afterall, and Dumbledore was finally ready to crack down on them. It was about time, they all thought.
The Slytherins had their own ideas, though. Obviously, the headmaster had finally realized the wretchedness of the Granger child and had come to the sensible conclusion of doing away with her. Taken long enough.
The Ravenclaws, using their amazing intelligence, concluded that Dumbledore had stumbled across the secret portal to an alternate realm outside humanly-known earth, located at 3.75 degrees over a 476 angled position of Mercury, divided by pi, and square rooted by the cubed diversion of Pythagorean Theory. And here they thought it was a secret. Oh well, being that old, Dumbledore was bound to know something.
As for the Hufflepuffs, they were so ridiculously average that they couldn't even come up with their own conclusion. So they sat, watched as the smart one of their group picked his nose, and waited.
Dumbledore, feeling he had grabbed everyone's attention, continued his speech. "The problem I speak of is not one ever considered by our kind. However it is a danger beyond dangers….." A pause, absolute silence, followed by: "Fat. Fat is the problem." Everyone looked at him strangely, mind boggled by this anomaly. "Since you were young, and as you all grew taller, you also grew doubly wider. Therefore, I have come to a conclusion. From now on you all will be enrolled in PE- Physical Education. This is a mandatory class, no exceptions."
A random legless Hufflepuff frowned sadly.
"As for your instructor," Dumbledore went on, "I have appointed Professor Snape to the task. May he bestow his wisdom upon you all."
Severus Snape gawked at the old man skeptically. "Me? Why me? Why not that chick in charge of teaching everyone to fly on broomsticks who the author can't remember the name of? She actually likes it in the sun, not me!"
"Oh you mean that woman? She died."
"No she didn't."
"Yes, Severus, yes she did."
"Are you sure? I just passed her in the hall ten minutes ago."
"Shut up, Severus. She did. She's dead."
"Oh… okay… But that still doesn't explain why you want me."
"Severus, we all know that you are the best choice. You are the thinnest younger member of the staff. Really, since 7th year you haven't gained a pound."
Snape felt this was not the best time to mention his anorexic phase after Barbie broke up with Ken, or his no-food protests for Raffi to be knighted. Such shameful events were not needed to be dwelled upon. The grease ball quickly thought of how he could possibly get out of this mess.
"But sir, wouldn't teaching a Physical Education class to all grade levels interfere with my Potions classes?" He had him now. There was no way Dumbledore could get around that.
However, somehow the old coot had. "Why Severus, don't worry about that. I already thought it through. I'm handing your Potions classes over to Filch. I'm sure he'll do a lovely job."
"FILCH?!" Snape choked. "Filch can't even figure out how to eat pie! How could he possibly teach MY classes?!"
"Nonsense! I'm sure Filch will do a splendid job," Dumbledore said confidently as he watched as Filch attempted to shove pie up his nose.
Snape growled in defeat. Now he was stuck in the worst job ever.
The students weren't much happier. Harry began to pound sympathy cakes into his mouth as he agonized over the thought of the PE class. It now took him more than enough effort to lift his food to his mouth, much less actually try to work it off. Draco and his goons scowled miserably. Yet again the Granger beast had survived yet another day. On the whole, just about everyone at Hogwarts was feeling miserable. And, from the looks of things, it all would be getting much worse.
