He's not sure when it started, when he went from seeing Carl as a potential son to something more twisted, but he thinks it was the time he walked around Alexandria with him. Carl's anger and annoyance written all over his face and Negan was. So. Damn. Proud that this kid wasn't afraid of him. A little bit of molding, pushing and pulling, and Carl could take his spot one day as a fearless leader. He had the attitude, he had the bravery, the intelligence, the balls. Negan would be Carl's mentor and teach him every damn thing he knew.
But then he found little Judith cooing away in her crib that day. Such a sweet and vulnerable face, Negan couldn't resist. He had lifted her from the crib and immediately found her being pulled away. Carl had taken her from him without a second thought and had her balanced on his hip, her small fingers in his hair.
"She doesn't like people she doesn't know holding her."
Negan took her back after swinging Lucille a bit, but he watched throughout the day as Carl interacted with the little girl. He changed her clothes, he brushed her hair, helped her brush her teeth. He changed her diaper, practiced new words with her and fed her before even making his own plate of food.
Carl isn't a kid anymore and he sure as hell wasn't back then. He wasn't a kid running around being stupid and reckless, he was an adult long before he hit 18. He was practically a father to his sister - Carl didn't need Negan to fill the role of his daddy when Carl was filling that role for someone else.
Some times, Negan would lean against the wall and wonder if he would be the father Carl was if Lucille didn't get cancer and the world didn't go to shit. Would he have sang songs and learned how to braid for his little girl? Would he have tossed his son in the air and cuddled him at night? Would he have held Lucille close and watched their kids open gifts on Christmas morning? Would he have liked it?
Carl did. He did all of it. He cooked for her, potty trained her, kissed her bruises and taught her to use a knife. He ran himself ragged caring for Judith and smiled as he did it.
Negan remembers when the weirdness started months earlier, just after Carl hit 19. Watching as he helped her out of dirty clothes and wash her hands before an awkward family dinner Negan invited himself too. He had given Negan one last glare before going into the near by kitchen, both Judith and Negan always in his sight.
He pictured the whole thing. Getting up and kissing Judith on her head before following Carl, wrapping his arms around that thin waist and nuzzling his neck and Carl chuckling while he fixed the food. Then a proper family dinner with relaxed conversation and laughter, maybe a neighbor or two over, both of them wiping food off of Judith's smiling face. They'd put her to bed after reading a story with silly voices before slinking off to their own bedroom for an intimacy none of his wives could provide him.
Those fantasies became more common as he visited Alexandria more. Judith doesn't see him as a threat (yet) and smiles when he arrived. Carl holds her hand and keeps her beside him.
If they had met differently, would there be a time where Carl would greet him with a smile and kiss and Judith would run into his arms?
But Negan has a group to provide for, an image to maintain. So he crushes down the image and twirls Lucille in his hands, orders his men inside and take what they deserve.
When he sees Carl and Judith watching him, he has to walk away.
