Part 25: The End of the Beginning

Summary:

When Chakotay dies, Captain Janeway learns important lessons about him, her 23 year old journey and about herself (J/C, P/T, D, K, Tu)

Pairing:J/C, P/T, D, K, Tu Rating: PG-13 Type of Story: Mush Level: 3


Part 25: The End of the Beginning

"……..I don't regret one single moment of it, and I don't regret any of my decisions. This is the journey that I had been destined to take, the family that I was destined to have, and you the man I was destined to have at my side to make it possible. No matter what happens when we get home I will never regret one single moment, not even the bad times."

"Admiral?"

Kathryn jumped. She hadn't even realized that she had zoned out while the Doctor was talking to her. It was just that what he was telling her was almost too much to bear.

"I'm sorry Doctor, what were you saying?" Kathryn focused on the Doctor once more who had a look of pain on his face. She knew that it wasn't just because the news he was delivering was causing her pain, but because the loss that was about to occur was going to affect him also. More than anyone would have ever expected it to. He continued with his voice low.

"Chakotay's muscles in his legs are beginning to deteriorate rapidly and pretty soon the disease will spread upwards…" The Doctor was using an explanation to soften the blow. Who would have thought that he could have developed such a bedside manner when he was first activated 24 years ago?

"How long?" She demanded.

"About two weeks, three weeks on the outside for the last two phases to manifest themselves. There isn't anything more that I can do for him besides keep him comfortable." The Doctor's voice was soft as he gave the explanation and then it caught at the end of it. Kathryn understood. Feeling helpless was not something that the Doctor suffered well and neither did she.

"He wants to talk to you."

Kathryn took a deep breath and tuned the handle to the door of the room and went in. The room was quiet and a large one in Starfleet Medical. A Captain would deserve no less than that. She could see that it was already adorned with flowers and Kia fruit. She had sent the three arrangements and the fruit via subspace as soon as she had heard he had been hospitalized. She was in a conference with the Bhagerians during the most delicate part of the negotiations. That was two days ago. Because of the nature of the negotiations, she had held all her sub-space communications until the end of the session and hadn't received notification of his condition until Chakotay was hospitalized for about a day. It was a good thing. She would have left them as soon as she had heard even if it was in the middle of a session and made her way back to Earth. She also thanked the Spirits that he hadn't died before she got there. It would be one more death on her conscience and one more decision in the long list of decisions that she would have never forgiven herself for.

The flowers were carnations. They were her favorite flower. When they were married, he had replicated eight bouquets to adorn their quarters on their honeymoon. A spasm of pain went through Kathryn as she looked at the blossoms. It always did when she thought of Annika Hansen, Seven of Nine tertiary adjunct of Unimatrix 01, his wife; her adopted daughter. She fought to keep that particular feeling of loss at bay. Now more than ever he needed her to be strong. He needed her to be the First Officer and to look out for the Captain and protect him, even from himself.

As she had failed to do for both of them long before.

The man on the bed was a shadow of the man who had stood at her side for twenty three years. He looked pale, the disease robbing him of his natural brown pigmentation which told of his earthly heritage. His eyes were closed. He was resting. Kathryn willed her feet to go to his side. He had deteriorated so much after she had left for the conference. He had looked so healthy when she last saw him, the disease not having robbed him of much yet, so alive………but not full of life. He hadn't been that in a long time. A part of him died when his wife of three years died in his arms on Voyager, and he was never the same again.

And neither was I.

She took one of his hands. They seemed to have shrunk. Were these the same hands that had held hers so many times, so many years ago? When they were both still so optimistic and hopeful for their journey? When they were lucky enough that even though the destination was so far away, they still had each other? When the senior team was in tact? They didn't seem to be. They were shaking slightly.

She covered the one with another of her own as if to offer him up in prayer. And perhaps in a way she was doing so.

Slowly he opened his eyes and when he saw her, he smiled. The reaction was instantaneous. She returned it and at once she felt a tightening sensation in her mouth. She hadn't smiled like that in a long time and her muscles were protesting. It was also the first time in years that she had seen that particular calm smile on his face. He had smiled so little in their last few years of their journey that she had remembered each and every time.

"I didn't think that you would make it." He said quietly.

"You know I always keep my promises."

The smile was back, but it was sadder this time as he replied.

"I know."

"How long?" Chakotay demanded of her. He could have asked the Doctor, but she had a feeling that he wanted to hear it from his Captain.

"Two weeks, three tops."

"So you'll get to do this all over again then, huh?"

She knew what he was trying to do. He was trying to lighten the mood and to remind her that he was going to have a little time again to live and that she didn't have to punish herself for putting strangers ahead of her crew, her own people this time. But what he didn't know is that it was too late for that…….or maybe it wasn't.

The Doctor picked that time to come in. Normally he would make some sort of banter and some light comment about his patient needing to rest, but he didn't. He went about his scans quickly and quietly. And he did it around her, knowing that she would not break the physical bond that she had made with her best friend by holding hands. When he was finished he said simply.

"You need to rest Captain and you'll need constant medical care during those upcoming weeks. I will start making plans to have you stay here…."

"No!"

Both Kathryn and the Doctor studied Chakotay intently as he cut into their conversation. That response was not only unexpected, but the most forceful that they heard in a while.

"I want to go home. That is where I want to die. Not in this hospital, not among strangers, but amongst friends,……family." He looked pointedly at Kathryn.

"Admiral?" The Doctor turned to her.

Kathryn was being haunted by a sense of déjà vu. How many times on Voyager had there been disagreements between Chakotay and the Doctor, Tuvok and the Doctor when they decided to go on dangerous Visions Quests, dangerous Mind Melds or perform some other action that may adversely affect their health and the Doctor had looked to her as the person to side with him. She couldn't think of a single time when she hadn't sided with them against the Doctor for the safety of her ship and crew. Although Voyager was now a museum and the crew that made it home was not under her command any more, she didn't disappoint.

"Doctor, I think that Chakotay has the right to die, however and wherever he chooses."

Her voice wavered a bit when she spoke of the inevitable and even though she was concentrating on the Doctor, she felt an increase in the pressure of her hands. Chakotay was showing her his gratitude.

"Very well, I'll begin making arrangements for his transport. Admiral, he will need a nurse……."

"I'll take care of everything."

The Doctor took a long look at her and satisfied that she was OK mentally for now, he left the room.

"Kathryn." She turned towards him at the sound of his voice. "Thank you."

With her free hand, she smoothed his hair. It had become grey specked over the years in the Delta Quadrant, but in the last year, it had turned snow white. She did something else that she hadn't done in a while. She traced his tattoo slowly, lovingly lost in the memories that the action was bringing. She felt a slight tremble when she started which hadn't been there before. She knew that it wasn't the disease but her actions that were causing it. Chakotay was staring at her with haunted eyes. When she had finished he said,

"Thank you for the flowers. I know how hard it must be for you to see them…..to remember her."

Kathryn had rested her palm on his cheek when she had finished tracing his tattoo. And as she leaned over him and smiled, she realized that he was crying. She felt the wetness running down her cheeks and realized that she was doing the same thing.


"I'm sorry, but we can't release you for three months Admiral."

"Then I resign."

"Admiral, I know that this last year has been difficult and I understand that your former first Officer, Captain Chakotay is gravely ill, but we can't let that stop us from seeing the big picture. To quote Ambassador Spock, the needs of the many…….."

It was without a doubt, the single most damaging statement that he could have made to his case.

"Admiral, I am not Vulcan, and I don't give a damn about the Bhagerians, or Ambassador Spock or duty at the expense of friendship anymore. Fifteen years ago, you may have had better luck with that argument but as it stands now, my position is clear."

Kathryn stood up and placing her palms flat down on the table as she spoke to the Vulcan Admiral, her face four inches from his and her eyes blazing, pinning his characteristic blank stare with her crazed one.

"I'm going to Appalachia City tonight. Tomorrow, I expect to hear from you whether my leave has been approved. I will be free for the next two days from 08:00 to noon, to brief anyone to take over my current assignments, if my leave has been approved. If not, you will have my letter of resignation on your desk as soon as the denial notice has been issued."

She spoke softly and at the end of it, Kathryn paused.

Admiral Kenneth saw the rage in Admiral Janeway's eyes. He felt her grief, her pain and her profound sense of loss and he saw that it wasn't as recent, as it was ancient and cut across her soul. He recognized her bitterness and he realized at that moment that the journey that they all hailed as the definitive journey in Starfleet history, and the gains to the Federation terms of technology and cultural exchange that came with that journey, was brought at too high a price for the Captain who was known throughout the quadrant as the female James Kirk.

"And as for what Ambassador Spock said, which seems to have become a tenant of Vulcan philosophy…..."

Kathryn paused again and Admiral Kenneth then saw no expression on her face. He blinked, because being half-Betazoid, he trusted in what he felt and he was surprised realize that there were no emotions left from the intense ones he had sensed just a moment ago. No human was that good at suppressing emotions, unless their psyche had done it unconsciously, after years of doing it consciously.

"Phaser it out of your tight little Vulcan behind."

Without another word, Kathryn Janeway turned and marched out of the conference room.


"Welcome home!"

Kathryn's voice was a lot lighter as she and Chakotay walked across the threshold to his house. Actually, she should say that she walked and Chakotay used his anti-grav chair.

"Thanks for getting me there,…..a second time." He smiled and looking at him she could tell that his spirit felt lighter too.

"Where do you want to go first?"

But Chakotay was quiet and she knew why. He was taking in the new furniture, the new desk and all the other changes that she had made to the cottage over the last three days.

"Kathryn?"

"Surprise. I hope you like it. Because you'll need someone to stay with you full time, there are some changes that needed to be made in order to make this dwelling place for two. If it was too presumptuous of me, or if you hate it, then tell me and I'll arrange something else."

"No, it's OK." He hesitated a bit and Kathryn knew why. But she wasn't going to complete her end of the bargain, until he saw the bedroom.

"I also that to replace of some of the other pieces of furniture as you would not have been able to manuever around it in your condition."

"I assume that includes the bed?" Chakotay was going into the bedroom as he spoke.

Kathryn knew why he had made the statement. Since the death of Seven, Chakotay had slept on a smaller bed, just enough to hold one person. When the replicator logs showed what he had done on Voyager thirteen years ago, she knew that he had made up his mind to remain single until his moment of death. She knew that he would wait through this life, until the next to be with Seven and wanted no other woman to take her place in this life so that there'll be no doubt in his mind who he would be spending eternity with.

Perhaps that's why she never married when she made it back home. No one could be more of a companion to her than he was, and no one could give her a daughter quite like Seven. Chakotay knew that who ever he got involved with would never really hold his heart as Seven did, and he made sure that it never happened. Just as much as she knew that whoever she got involved with would never be able to touch her soul, to challenge her, to enable her to change and to be who she was meant to be like Chakotay and that's why she never even entertained the idea of letting someone get close to her as he.

Kathryn held her breath as she followed him into the room.

Chakotay was silent as he was taking it all in. The divider, the extra bed and desk that was there as well as the temporary closet. It was small and it was cozy and she wondered if it reminded him of something else a long time ago. When he finished his cursory inspection, he began to speak.

"Kathryn I appreciate this, but it's too much. I'm sure I can manage in the bedroom until the time comes. I don't want some stranger in my personal space. Let the nurse sleep outside." His tone was firm and Kathryn knew from experience that he wasn't going to let this one go. But he didn't have to.

"I didn't think we were strangers Chakotay, but if it bothers you too much, I'll move my bed outside."

Chakotay turned the chair to face her. "Your bed?"

Kathryn leveled her head at him. "Yes, my bed. I'm going to be your new nurse. Well it's a role that I have played many times on Voyager and even thought I haven't been qualified officially, I think that I can do it."

Chakotay was puzzled.

"But what about your job?"

"I'm on a leave as of two days ago."

"For how long?"

"For as long as it takes." Kathryn was smiling at his look of amazement.

"But what about the Bhagerians and all the other people who need you?"

"The needs of the one outweigh the needs of the few and the needs of the many." Kathryn looked directly at him when she said it.

"That's not how it goes." Chakotay said softly, stunned and Kathryn smiled at his expression as it had been a long time since she had seen that particular look on his face.

"For me now, that's how it goes. You didn't want to die alone Chakotay. You won't."

Chakotay looked at her and Kathryn realized that she hadn't been scrutinized that way in a long time. Then he held out his hand. The action reminded Kathryn when she was so scared and unsure of a mission so long ago that she broke her own protocols and extended her hand for his support on the bridge. It was the first public display of affection between them that she had ever shown. She had extended her hand in insecurity of what was ahead, not knowing if she was going to make it back to Voyager. She extended it in trust that if anything happened to her, he would do as he had promised her, and guide their crew home.

Now he was performing the same action. He was holding out his hand in insecurity of what was ahead and in trust that Kathryn would do now as she promised him during that extraordinary journey. In the journey that was ahead in the next couple of weeks she would guide him home.

Kathryn took his hand and held his gaze for a little while longer and together they walked/moved into the living area.