Holes

Kneeling on the wet ground, fire glowing behind me, I held Marissa's head in my right hand. She bled from her temple and swallowed lightly.

"Wait here, I'm going to get some help, okay?"

"No, Ryan, don't go. Stay here."

I paused. "Okay." I watched her blink slowly, her eyes unfocused.

"Marissa."

Her expression was fading. Her wet face reflected the street light above us.

"Marissa."

She blinked slowly. After the last blink she closed her eyes. They didn't open.

"Marissa." I shook her head lightly. "Marissa." I felt my face heat up with panic.

"Marissa. No..." I felt her body relax. And then I felt her leave.

I gasped and sat up in a cold sweat. My face was burning and dripping with sweat and the goosebumps on my arms stung. I stared into the dark, and my eyes finally found their way to my clock. 6:03 am.

The funeral. It's in three hours.

I pulled the covers off my legs and swung around putting my feet on the cold floor. I looked toward the glass door and saw my reflection. I've never seen myself like this before. My hair is long and gets in my eyes when I blink and I haven't shaved in over a month. I haven't seen any point in anything anymore.

I stood walking toward the counter and tried to maintain balance with my hands against the edge, closing my eyes. Light-headed, I stood there and breathed. Her voice echoed in my head. Every word she ever said. It all stays with me. And I can't erase it no matter how hard I try.

I came back down to earth and picked up my flask, gulping until my throat and chest burned. Until I couldn't feel her anymore.


-Summer-

I grabbed my purse stuffing it with tissues and money. I threw on some clothes that were just laying on my floor, too lazy to walk a few feet to the closet.

I made my way to the bathroom and opened the bottom drawer of the cabinet. I heard footsteps in the hall and I slammed it shut standing up straight pretending to fix my hair in the mirror. Dad walked in.

"Good morning Summer." You remember what today is, right?

"Of course I remember, Dad. It's Coop. How could I forget?" I said frowning, my body slumping without energy.

"Alright, I'm just making sure. You know you're supposed to wear black…"

"I know Dad. I'm just running some errands and I'll come home in a couple hours to change."

"Alright then." He kissed my forehead and walked out briskly.

I waited until the noise of footsteps and creaking doors faded to silence. I heard his bedroom door click shut.

I bent over again reaching for the bottom drawer. The drawer was half full of transparent orange, white-capped bottles. Less than three weeks ago, the drawer had been overflowing. I'm running low already.

I picked one up, focusing on the label that read, "M. Roberts, Valium, pain medication 50mg tablets." Thank God for crazy step-moms. She's gone anyway. She doesn't need them.

I held open my purse with my left hand, shoving in the small bottles two by two, the last bottle remaining in my hand.

I closed the drawer quietly, my heart racing in fear of my father seeing me. I walked quickly back to my room, closing and locking the door. I opened the bottle, pouring several white tablets into my hand, throwing them all to the back of my throat at once. I painfully forced them down with a big gulp of Captain Morgan I keep in my flask, taking it everywhere I go. Tastes like nail polish remover, but burns my feelings away, and fills a hole…at least for now.


-Ryan-

After drying off, I started getting dressed. All black. Suit and tie. I'm not cut out for this…still.

I can't do this.

I have to do this. It's Marissa's funeral.

I pulled my shirt over my head and tugged it down over my stomach.

I drove fast, finally pulling over to the side of the road, the brakes screeching. I was shaking with anger and fear and stepped out of the car. I slammed the door walking over to the passenger side, my head in my hands. I opened her door, and slammed it repeatedly. She looked at me terrified and crying, her eyes read from drinking too much.

"This is what my whole life has been like. My mom, my step-dad, my brother. I've dealt with it enough. I don't need the same thing all over again from you," I screamed at her. I'd never seen her look at me that way before. Surprised, scared, and guilty.

"I'm sorry…okay…okay," she pleaded.

I sighed, trying to collected myself, softly closing her door again. I walked back to the driver's side and got back in. I sat there calmly but out of breath, just staring ahead.

Why do I have to remember these things?

I got angry, my whole body shook with anger and I tensely screamed and kicked the wall over and over.

I kept taking out my anger on the wall until I felt two small hands on my shoulders. I tried to stay still.

I turned around and Summer pulled me in close to her. "I know it's hard. It's hard for all of us. Just try to stay calm. There's nothing any of us could have done. Otherwise she would still be with us today. You know, you really should go today. She would want you there. And you know she'll be there too…"

I couldn't say anything at all. I just stood there. Summer reached into her purse pulling something out, placing it in my hand. I heard pills shake against the plastic and I squeezed it tightly in my palm.

"Thanks," I whispered.

"Anytime. I told you I found a way to get by," she said softly.


We all stood around in a circle, shoulders touching. The sky was getting greyer by the minute, and an eerie cold passed through my jacket giving my chills.

Why doesn't it feel like she's here? I need her to be here with me.

I glanced over at Seth, Summer's small arms around his waist, black makeup in the tears rolling down her cheeks.

But I stood there alone. I crossed my arms and watched the long black box, blurring out the sound of the priest's voice.

I sat in the swinging seat to her left and after it rose higher in the sky, my heart beat faster. Not only were the people on the ground getting smaller, but I was up there terrified with her. She was mad at me. I needed to fix it.

I pressed my eyes shut. "Are you okay?" she asked concerned.

"Just a little afraid of heights," I struggled to say, my lips still pressing together as I held my breath.

"Listen," I managed to say, "I really want this to work no matter what, and I'd do anything to make it happen. And maybe we can talk about it more when we get down from here."

"If we get down from here," she said sarcastically and laughed.

"Oh no, don't say that…" I said gripping the bar in front of my even tighter, my knuckles turning white.

"Well I guess you just need something to take your mind of it then…"

My eyes were still closed tightly but I felt her face and her breath in front of mind as our lips touched. In shock, my eyebrows raised and the longer her lips glided between mine, the more I loosened my grip on the safety bar. Eventually I concentrated so much on the high of just feeling her, I completely forgot about the fact that we were stuck in the air, and the car started moving forward again. I let go of the bar, putting my hands on either side of her face. It felt like it would last forever.

I finally zoned back in, and I felt the tears rush to my face. I lost control of my ability to hold it all in. I lowered my head to hide my emotions from all the people around me. I wanted so badly for her to walk up behind me and tell me she was okay and that they saved her and she was never going to leave me again. But knowing that could never happen made me want to swallow all the pills at once, and be able to go find her again.


I slowly stepped my way to the beach house, drying my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket as I walked through the door. I closed the blinds, not turning the lights off. I walked to the sink, swallowed a few pills and washed it down with some whiskey. I let out a long sigh as it burned down into my stomach. I reached for a folded piece of paper a couple feet away. Opening it, I read again, "We are pleased to inform you that upon reviewing your transcripts and personal essay, we realize that you are an impressive student that we are proud to admit…"

I stopped reading mid-sentence, tearing the letter in three different ways, scattering it across the floor. College is for the future. And my future disappeared.

I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared around at the empty room.

There's three in the hall from those pictures in the closet

Two in the bedroom from that night I lost it

And one deep inside me determined to stay

They don't get any bigger but they don't go away

I pour drink after drink but nothing hits bottom

I've been on my knees, admitted my problems

The love that we made still barely an echo

And I'd try anything for these vacant, hollow

Holes, in and around me, I keep falling back into

Holes dig in and surround me

God knows what I'm going to do to fill in these holes left by you


Disclaimer: I do not own The OC or any of its characters. The song is "Holes" by Rascal Flatts.
A/N: Please let me know if you catch any spelling errors!!! Thanks :O)