The door opened into the dusty building, the creaking floors sighing accusatorily at her presence. She managed to get back out again without anyone addressing her. It didn't seem like the sort of place where people tended to ask questions, but she kept her head ducked down anyway. She scurried out, into the cold air biting with the onset of winter. She shivered, clutching the thin fabric of her dress closer to her. It was done. She was almost free.
She unlocked the car quickly, furtively, afraid someone might see her. She didn't turn on the headlights as she drove away, opting to wait a few minutes before making herself noticeable. The knot in her stomach remained obstinately present, even as the town receded into the darkness behind her. She glanced at the papers on the seat beside her, a goldmine of useless information. It was as if someone had dropped the letters necessary to spell out the secrets of the universe into a bowl of alphabet soup-the answers were all there, but they were completely unobtainable. She stared straight ahead at the road, unfolding before her relentlessly. It was dark; here, outside the city, you could still see the stars in the night sky. She didn't look up, didn't have time to appreciate them. She already felt small enough, and hardly needed their help.
She gently probed her conscious as one might test for a pulse. She didn't feel any different. Maybe she had been right, and this one act wasn't enough to perpetually condemn her to villainy. She had given the Quagmires plenty of time to escape, after all. They would have a fair opportunity to get out before the fire went too far. Swiftly, she pulled the car to the side of the road, getting out just in time to vomit again.
All at once her emotions came back, surging with an uncorked pressure that felt like it could only have come from a bullet through her chest. She began sobbing, loud ugly sobs, sinking to her knees in the dirt of the roadside. Her cries wracked her frame, dissolved her bones, melted her resolve. She wept bitterly, keening into the empty night, trying to expel all of the suffering that contaminated her blood. The night seemed irreverently quiet, as if all of nature was watching her, the stars only existing for the purpose of unkind judgement. It may be unkind, but it certainly wasn't unfair, she thought, hating herself. Why did she have to be such a coward? What could she possibly do now? "What you have always done-survive" her deeper thoughts whispered to her. She stood herself up, wiping the dirt from her hands, reentering the car. She froze in her seat, still feeling the tears pouring down her face, but utterly powerless to stop them.
Her hands were as heavy as drowned men's cannonballs as she lifted them to drive away, occasionally pushing the tears off her face, her cries dissolving into sporadic hiccups. There was no time to feel sorry for herself now. She had to be prepared for whatever came next. She had to be ready. She was in the hardest part of the plan now, but she would push through, and once she did, it would all be worth it.
