The Real Jace
A/N This is my first time posting a fanfiction. I hope to be an author someday and I am using this as practice (plus I love Jace XD). I would really appreciate reviews, especially criticism, flame me if you want I really don't care. I just want to know what you think.
CHAPTER ONE
"Izzy, I'm fine" Jace Lightwood lied. He walked into his room resisting the urge to slam the door in his sister's face -he listened at the door till he heard her walk away- Clary said it was ok to think of himself as a Lightwood, said it was as it should be, but he wasn't sure. He didn't deserve to consider them his family, any more than he deserved Clary Fairchild. But much to his surprise neither his family or Clairy seemed to be going anywhere.
He sighed, he didn't know why he felt so depressed all the time. It had started a long time ago he knew, when he was 10 the day he had thought he saw his father murdered. He knew that in itself was probably fairly normal -if you could call seeing your father die, when he didn't really die, and wasn't really your father normal- but now that he had a family and Clary it should be better right? Instead he kept remembering things Valentine had taught him. Things like to love is to destroy. Maybe it didn't matter who your birth parents were. Maybe if you were raised by evil you became evil. He certainly felt evil at times.
When ever he hurt Clairy as uniteunal as it may be, he heard those words play over and over in head. He thought about how she had cried earlier when he told he was bad for her, ought to leave her- she had tried not to cry but he saw her tears, the tears he had caused. He let her comfort him - again- knowing it was the only way to comfort her. He couldn't keep doing this, Clary was upset, both she and Isabelle were worried and it was all his fault.
This couldn't go on, he needed to end it, end his own life maybe -if that was what it took so be it. He didn't like his life all that much anyway. He had to get out. But the clave wouldn't let him leave till he was 18 and to leave now would get him kicked out of the clave forever. A fate worse than death in Jace's eyes.
He threw himself onto his bed, and tried to think, he had to protect them for himself, but how? As he thought about how he had made Clairy cry he found himself wanting to hurt himself, the hurt he had felt at her hurt was not nearly a enough- yet at the same time it was far too much. He found himself reaching under his bed for a box he had opened too many times. He pulled out the little silver box and opened the lid, he stared at it's contents for a few seconds. Then he lifted the knife out and placed the cool steel against his arm. He took a deep breath and pushed the blade into his skin pulling it across his arm. He cut deep and the blood quickly began to flow down his arm. He sighed, it was sick he knew that this mad him feel better, but it did, so he did it. He always healed himself with a rune after, it wouldn't do for anyone to see his cuts while they were still bleeding. He healed then just enough that they blended in with all his other scars but not enough to take them away completely (The scars were a reminder that he wasn't ok. He was sick of pretending to be ok, to take them away completely was to lie to himself, he knew it didn't make sense, not really, but it did to him and that was what mattered). If anyone found out he didn't know what he would do. But at the same time a small part of him wanted to be found out. Wanted someone to help him, to save him, but was it too late? If it was he would have to kill himself, end all the hurting of the people he loved. This was the way he thought, every day these thoughts ran through his head, every day he hid it. He had to go on for a little longer at least. Max had just died his mom-he felt guilty calling her that but empty when he didn't- couldn't take another death just yet, even if this one would make things better in the long run. He made another cut letting the blood pour down his arm. Then he cleaned off the knife and put in back under his bed. He sat down and watched the blood flow till he started to feel light headed ( He knew he would never go too far with cutting- unless he wanted to...but he wondered how mundies who cut did it, they didn't know as much about wounds, hadn't been forced to learn all about blood loss both through classes and experience. Most importantly they didn't have steles, couldn't heal their wounds, hide their wounds...couldn't save themselves if they went too far and changed their minds). Jace reached for his stele and draw a quick healing rune. It wasn't as good as Izzy's or Alec's, it wasn't even his best, but it only needed to stop the bleeding and heal the wounds enough that they wouldn't attract attention.
He felt tired and light headed from blood loss, he lay down in his bed and slowly drifted off into the safety of sleep. His nights were hunted with nightmares, but during the day, when he was warren out from secret crying and blood loss, as he was now he could enter a safe half sleep in which he knew he was sleeping and knew he ought not to be,yet he chose to stay there, where it was warm and safe.
About 2 hours later he was awakened by a pounding on his door, it was Izzy again.
"Jace show me your arms"
Jace shuddered inside. "why?" he asked sounding bored and uninterested. He opened the door, wondering if she had somehow noticed one of the scars that wasn't from a battle, wondering what he would do if that was the case.
"Alec thinks you've been cutting yourself."
"why?" he repeated in the same bored tone.
"He saw cuts on your arm that he didn't think you got in battle". She rolled her eyes "You know how he is with that whole 'I'm the oldest I have to save everyone' thing.
However I believe he might be onto something this time. So I'm looking into it, like I said I would, instead of just saying and not doing like I normally do." she said in her normal 'I couldn't care less tone', hoping she didn't sound as worried as she was, as she had been for quite sometime now.
Jace sometimes wondered how much of Isabelle's happy, carefree teen girl thing was for real, he had a feeling it was-at least in part- an act (much like his own). But he couldn't really look into it without giving away his act, something he couldn't do. So he kept an eye on his little sister best he could, while protecting her from himself (he just hoped that her life would be better once he was out of it).
"Isabelle, Alec is nuts". Jace really hoped he sounded convincing. "We both know that. But I had hoped you, at least had half a brain." He hoped he sounded like he wasn't scared out of his mind.
"Alec may be a killjoy, and a nutball...but... you've just seemed different lately...and not in a happy way."
"Izz, chill I'm fine. I've just been through a lot lately. But we all have. I mean what with Max and everything." He knew it was low but this was the best way to throw her off. And it was true. He did miss Max he had been closer to the little boy the Alec and possibly Isabelle.
He mentally shook himself. He had to snap out of in. Isabelle was sobbing. He temporarily forgot his own pain. Knowing only that his little sister was crying her heart out, because what he had said and that he had to do something. Without thinking about it he reached out and pulled her in for a hug. She began crying harder now. Her head on his shoulder, her whole body shaking.
Isabelle hated crying in front of people, especially Jace who had always been so strong. But she needed someone to know what she felt. Alec was hardly ever home, spending all his free time with Magnus, and talking to her mom or dad was not something she could do even if she wanted to-which she didn't. That left Jace, Jace who seemed to maybe, just maybe need her right now as much as she needed him, not that he would show it, but maybe if she was careful not to let on how much she knew/suspected he would let her get close enough to help him. So although she knew for a fact there more to it then that just Max's death, she would try to comfort him from that for now, though maybe sobbing in his arms wasn't the best way to do that...oh well she couldn't stop now she was sure that at this point if he were to let go her she would collapse on the floor still crying. Plus if she wanted him to trust her she had to trust him. And what better way to show that trust then by showing her weakness.
Yes she decided this had been her plan all along.
Jace stood there holding his sister for a moment. He didn't know what to do with her. So he gently half carried half guided her to his bed, where he sat with her in his arms until her sobbing slowly stopped. She was asleep. She hadn't been sleeping at night he knew, he heard to crying in the night, but to go to her would be to admit that he wasn't sleeping either, so he never did. He carefully picked her up and carried her down the hall to her room. As he put her in bed, she woke up a bit.
"Jace, I'm sorry it's all my fault he died." she whispered half asleep.
"No Izz, it's not. Just sleep, your makeup can't cover up those black circles if they get any darker." Jace said trying to keep his tone light, as if he weren't about to start crying.
"Don't go" she never would have said it had she been thinking straight, but she was more then half asleep, and only knew that she wanted her big bother with her. Maybe he could protect her from the nightmares that haunted her. "I'll stay till you fall asleep." He looked down and smiled she was already asleep, looking so much younger that it reminded him of when he was 12 at liked to sneak in here to put gum in her hair. Until she started training anyway...
He stayed for an hour or two and fell asleep in her chair, getting some real sleep for the first time in a while. When he woke up he snuck out the door feeling a bit better. Maybe he could help people instead of hurting them. Maybe, but was it worth risking it? And helping Issy was one thing but what if to love to destroy only applied to people you LOVE loved? What if Clairy was in danger because of him? He shook his head, time to stop thinking for now. Maybe Alec wanted to go demon hunting.
A/N I hope you got SOME enjoyment out of it, If so tell me what you liked if not tell what you didn't like. I have chapter two almost done, I should have it up tomorrow or the next day.
Also I'm dyslexic so if you find any mistakes in spelling or grammar please point them out. :) lol (I'm adding this as I go back a fix I bunch of crap I just noticed I messed up :P I'm sure I'm missing something though so point it out!) XD
